We abandoned the the Friday Five based on your overwhelming desire to see scantily clad women you could easily find on a Google image search, but because we are loath to abandon established ideas, here are five things we enjoyed about the Sunday that was. There would be more, but the NFL slunk away from an easy victory in the ratings over Game 4 over the World Series because, who knows? We’re too busy trying to figure out if Miles “Baraka” Austin is actually a white guy.

1. Gus Johnson saying Chris Johnson ran “like he was being chased by the cops” after his 52-yard TD scamper against the Jags in the 3rd quarter.

2. Ravens fans carping about the refs even when they’re winning. Not that complaining about the officiating isn’t a constant state of being for Ravens fans.

3. Brittfar’s coquettish wink at the Brittfar Cam because Brittfar must be accepting of all the Brittfar love that the media must lavish reflexively on Brittfar

4. Joe Flacco’s triple salchow into a sack. The Steelers judge gives it a 2.0.

5. St. Louis trickeration to defeat the Detroit Lions in order to avoid becoming the next Detroit Lions.

Because those of us who root for teams that don’t sign Favre in a desperate and misguided attempt at getting a title never have our feelings conflicted. We can still delight in all his failings, especially when they finally surface against our (my) favorite team

MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

/gets Mastodon and Queens of the Stone Age to disband only to ruin Drew’s day further

//includes consolation photo of Vikings jersey customized with the Peterson nickname Drew coined

Airbrushed motorcycles with Scarface and Steelers themes. Only available on display outside Jerome Bettis’ bar and in every exurban shopping mall food court in the country.

And of all the lazy name plate replacements I’ve seen on mid-’90s pre-Steelers-uniform-design Kordell Stewart jerseys, this one is at least among the top 10 most generic.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — A Minnesota Vikings trainer today visited with former vice presidential candidate and outgoing Alaska governor Sarah Palin, touching off a swirl of rumors that the NFL franchise is planning to sign the politician to compete for the starting quarterback job in training camp with Brett Favre.

“At this time, no contract has been offered to Gov. Palin,” said Vikings general manager Rick Spielman. “I am not able to speculate on whether that will or will not occur. Like most teams, we are merely trying to gauge what, if any, ability she has to quarterback on the professional level.”

The political world was shocked when Palin announced on July 3 that she would step down as governor of Alaska midway through her first term in office. While experts have cited mounting legal debts as the reason behind her resignation, aides close to Palin have said she paid close attention to the way the Vikings organization bent over backwards in recent months to accommodate another useless media whore.

Said one aide who wished not be named, “It became readily apparent to her that the Vikings were willing to put up with a lot more shit than the GOP. And that was very enticing to her.”

During the press conference in which she announced her resignation, Palin drew criticism for employing an awkward analogy drawing from her days playing high school basketball. According to an unnamed staffer “that basketball analogy, while a little mangled, was politically calculated. It threw everyone off of the deal she was really trying to broker: becoming starting quarterback for an NFL team. Really, she wanted to say she was like a quarterback handing the governorship off to a running back, not unlike how one would hand off to Adrian Peterson. But that would tip her hand.”

The timing of the signing would be sensitive, coming as it does the same week that reports surfaced that Favre has already put a $30,000 deposit on a condo in a suburb of Minneapolis. While an offer to Palin is expected to be forthcoming in the next few days, a counter ploy for attention from Favre seems just as likely. Whatever form it will come in – hunger strike, zeppelin attack, angry jeans commercial – is unclear.

Favre was not able to be reached for comment, even by Peter King, who has at press time left at least three dozen teary voicemail messages for Favre seeking reaction. One was obtained by a reporter.

“Brett! BRETTY BOY! It’s Pistol Pete. I know, I know, I enjoying a good walk around Boston when this news comes on my Twitter. WHEN WILL YOU GET THE TWITTER!? Okay. Breathe with me. We’re gonna get through this. You… YOU NEED TO CALL ME BACK! I’m gonna do something rash. I know it. SHE WANTS TO TAKE YOUR JOB! I WANT TO DIP HER ORGANS IN MY COFFEE! Tell me it’s gonna be okay because RIGHT NOW I’m not really believing it. BRETTY BOY!”

Meanwhile, other Vikings players reacted ambivalently to the news.

“She’s a chick, so that’s different. But would it change much? Not really,” said defensive end Jared Allen. “I mean, Brett Favre is already a psychodramatic twat demon. We’re prepared either way.”

Added Allen: “I’d probably bang Palin first though. I don’t know. We’ll see how it plays out.”

Reports surfaced today that a Vikings trainer visited the Brittfar feudal land barony on Sunday to suggest to his lordship a regimen of exercises for his recently operated upon shoulder, so that the quarterback may be fine enough physical condition to torpedo the Vikes season by Week 1.

Sometimes we feel like we maybe have maybe a tad too much Favre antipathy on this site. So, concerned that a trainer from a team already fraught with inept quarterback play would only make things worse, we have some other suggestions to get that gun in slinging shape.

Surely you can think of some more. And not only hoisting a gun to discharge into his head.

I love those days where something awesome falls out of the sky and into our inbox. And today we have one such treat: it’s Brett Favre’s hillbilly cousin, and his Twitter feed. And you thought Twitter was retarded. Well folks, in the right hands, it can be AWESOMELY RETARDED. An anonymous friend from Heavy.com’s The Burly Show explains:

We were talking some shit about Favre on our Twitter page and got an angry reply from someone who seems to be his cousin, once removed, who apparently is just scouring Twitter, looking for posts about his “cousin” and freaking the fuck out. He is at Biloxijim.. His tweets are 98% swearing at “the haters” and 2% talking about his son’s little league team. He only started 2 days ago, but it’s amazing, crazy stuff. Here are some highlights:

mortreport Brett is coming back, and who cares why? We get to watch him and that is all the reason I need to support him coming back.

Heading out to watch some Lil’League Baseball. Go #12 Jimmy Erwin aka J Rod

Our operationneeds you to appropriately screw with this guy, so I wanted to pass it along to you. You need to put out the call to your readers to incite this guy on Twitter and see how far over the edge we can get him.

Thanks,
KJ

Consider it done, my dear.