Do you think I’m going to just sit idly by while some other jackass gets to throw my ball and take my audience? Do you really think Rex Fucking Grossman would just quietly accept his fate?! Do you think these eyes can’t tame a wild cougar?

Fuck that shit. I am not going down without a fuck.

You heard me. If you want to take my job, you’ll have to come and fuck the ever-loving shit out of me if you want to do it. Rex Grossman is no quitter. He will fuck and fuck and fuck until there’s no fuck left in him. That’s how he was born, that’s how he was raised, and that’s how he’ll die: fucking. If you think I’m going down without some serious hardcore, elbow-deep-in-your-butt gangbanging, you are sadly mistaken. I’m not backing down on this one. On the contrary. I am locked and loaded and ready to spray my salty jism all over this town if it means being able to do what I love most. I didn’t get this far not to fuck for what I believe in. I’m taking a stand. I’m holding my ground. And I’m fucking on it.

Think you can just waltz in here and tell the Sex Cannon what to do? Over my hard body. I fucked hard to get into this position. You’re gonna have to come get it. Naked. With my penis inside you.

Want to put me down for good, Chicago? Just. Fucking. Bring. It. And don’t think I won’t get my shots in. I got a nut just waiting for your eye. This is gonna be tooth and nail. Ass and ball. Tit and clit. Cock and mouth. If I lose, so be it. But there’s still some sex left in this cannon. I’ll fuck to the end. This was sexy business. But now it’s sexy personal.

So prepare yourself. You’ve got one big fuck on your hands. I may be going down. On you. But I’m going down swinging. My dick.

1, 2, 3 FUCK!

Your thoughts in the comments about about who wins this clash of the sideshows, maybe even who wins this contest of footballery they’re holding this evening. Haven’t had one of those in a spell. I’m going Saints, 33-27.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Let me explain something to you Rexettes out there. I don’t wear an athletic supporter out there. I don’t. Too constrictive. My cock does not like being reigned in, and I am not one to go against the wishes of Dr. Death And His Satchel (that’s my nickname for the entire three-piece set). So, before every game, I put on a football belt with the hip pads laced through. Nothing else. Then, I walk in front of a full-length mirror and masturbate to myself masturbating. Then, and only then, do I put on my game pants. We wear white game pants at home. In HD, you can really see my enormous phalange about to burst out of the pant laces. God, it feels so fucking good. Excuse me for a moment.

/finds a woman, nails her

Much better. Anyway, I’m here to ask for your support. Lots of people (strictly men, I assure you) in the Chicago area have recently taken to criticizing me in public. I don’t really know what I did to deserve this. I took you people to a Super Bowl last year. And, thanks to me, Cook County experienced a record number of childbirths in the past year. That’s fucking production. If you don’t like it, fuck you in the nostril.

So what if I fumble a snap or two? Wouldn’t you? I gotta put my hands on Olin Kreutz’ kreutzpie every goddamn play. Yuck. It just feels faggity and wrong. I’ve told coach Smith on many occasions that the Cumslinger works only from the shotgun. But he doesn’t listen, man!

So I’m asking for your help. Are you a Bears a fan? Do you have season tickets? Are you attending a Bears game anywhere this year? Then I want to see a visible sign that you are a member of my Sexy Army. Bring signs. Hold them up. Make sure they say shit like:

-SEX CANNON
-REX IS THROWING IT DOWNFIELD
-DUMPOFF PASSES ARE FOR H—S
-REX UNLEASHES THE DRAGON
-SEXY REXY HAS THE DRAGON.
-REX IS IN THE SEXY BUSINESS.

Or get creative. I don’t care. I’m not a writer. I’m a fucker. Take pictures of your signage in the lot or at the stadium and send them to the lazy douches here at KSK. You’ll get your pics posted and you’ll get a free Sex Cannon t-shirt, a $2.50 value. If you manage to get your sign on live television, you’ll get two free t-shirts and a free fingerbanging, courtesy of yours truly.

You have your marching orders. Let’s light this candle.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Your party is fucking gay.

When I had my birthday, we rented out a warehouse in downtown Chicago. Then we filled it knee high with baby oil and flew in nothing but Penthouse Pets. Did I shoot frozen ropes of Rexjelly all night long? I did indeed. I taught all of those girls and that zebra what a good, hard boning is. I like to fuck. It feels good. We had a raw bar and Queens of The Stone Age played. I don’t see any of that here. It’s not even a real party. You’re just fucking nerds online. I bet your “party” consisted of you heading to the shitter to jerk off. Sounds like a blast. Are you wearing tuxes to work today?

Faggots.

Someone go deep. I wanna give my armcock a workout.

Manny: Si, Senor Rexy. Otra Tecate?

You’re goddamn right I’ll have another. Aaaaahhh!!! I am so fucking relaxed. Manny here is the best bartender Fat Tuesdays has ever employed. And I should know. I’ve met all of them! Now I know some of you Bears fans are concerned about what happened in the Super Bowl. But let me just say, that hasn’t bothered me in the slightest, so I see no reason why it should bother you! There’s still plenty of gun powder left in the ol’ Cannon, if you catch my drift. And if you don’t, I’m referring to the amount of semen in my cockbag. Ain’t that right, Manny?

Manny: Es muy grande, amigo.

Fuckin’ A. God, I love it down here! You should have seen the girl I took home last night. She had a big round ass, with a crack so deep, you just wanted to fill it with taco meat.

Manny: Bien comida, senor.

Muy bien, compadre. Some of you might be wondering what I’ve been doing to improve my game during my three-month stay down here. Let me tell you something, Rex Grossman doesn’t do minicamps. Okay? There’s nothing mini about what I do. I only do things that are large, throbbing, and have the potential to kill lesser men. But, to put you at ease, I assure you I’ve been thoroughly working the two most important muscles in my body: the Dragon, and ol’ Chief Riding Bull down below.

Every morning, I wake up at 11:59AM, fuck, and then head to the beach. Then, I play volleyball using ONLY MY RIGHT ARM for a solid fifteen minutes. After that, the ladies usually come flocking. It’s like the Axe Effect, only I don’t need the Axe. Fuck Axe. And fuck Tag. I get the ladies to come calling with my OWN musk, bitch. After that…

Manny: (laughs)

Yeah, you KNOW what happens next, don’t you, Manny?

Manny: CANNON FIRE, senor!

Hell, yeah! Slap me cinco, motherfucker! I told you my English would rub off on you! You know, I haven’t read the paper much lately. What’s goin’ on in the world, Manny?

Manny: Senor Imus es un cabron.

Don Imus? Pfft. He’s about as sexy as a pregnancy test. I heard they released our schedule. You got that?

Manny: Si. Si. El preseason, senor?

No, skip the preseason. That’s maricon shit.

Manny: Los Chargers?

With Norv Turner coaching? That’s a win.

Manny: Los Chiefs?

Versus Chief Riding Bull? That’s a win.

Manny: Los vaqueros?

Cowboys? That’s a win. I like reverse cowgirl fucking.

Manny: Los Lions?

Pfft. Win.

Manny: Los Packers?

Against Oldey McShitmypants? Win. I am that asshole’s Bennie Blanco: younger, better, SEXIER. Remember Bennie Blanco, Manny?

Manny: Si. Era un badass. Los Vikings?

Win.

Manny: Los Eagles?

Win. Okay, okay, I’ve heard enough. They’re all fucking wins, Manny. I’mma plow through the league, then plow through the rest of Latin America. Sound good, amigo?

Manny: Viva el Cumslinger!

Long live me, indeed. See you in September, everybody!

Photoshop job courtesy of the incomparable twoeightnine

UPDATE: Want a “Viva el Cumslinger!” t-shirt? Of course you do.