‘A rickety tackler with a Frank Gehry eye for angles.’
The greatest fuel for hatred is a combination of knowledge and helplessness. Seahawks fans are helpless to stop Brian Russell’s third year in Seattle this fall, yet we are saddled with the knowledge of his utter lack of worth as a professional football player — a lack of worth that, when detailed on a blog, is so lengthy that it takes two posts to encompass. Read our misery over at Field Gulls: part 1 here, part 2 here.
Or, if you don’t feel like reading but would like to help out, murder Brian Russell. Murder him dead.
Because they harbor a delusion that tells them that we care, Seahawks fans are letting the world know that they would rather become the only team without a Super Bowl title in a division that includes the Rams and the Cardinals than see the Steelers win another one. Like the fellow in the video above, who went so far as to buy the hat of a division rival so that he may gain entry to the Cards bandwagon.
Not all C-Hox fans are decided, however. Regular KSK commenter J.L. White took the time to write us this lengthy e-mail (which I promise to finish reading one of these days) expressing his ambivalence about the contest. Uh, enjoy.
Dear President Obama:
We as a nation are faced with many challenges today, as we work to fix the mistakes of the past and at the same time make the future a brighter one for our children. There is no doubt that the economy, Iraq, and global warming require to be addressed both seriously and swiftly. You said during the inauguration that, “Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new.” Well sir, there is another challenge today that America must overcome very shortly, and it may require some new and creative thinking. Mr. President, I beseech you…..(pausing for dramatic effect)……please cancel this Super Bowl.
On the surface, this may sound like a heinous, almost un-American request. Did not both the Steelers and Cardinals reach t his match fairly? Are not both fanbases eagerly awaiting the outcome? Don’t millions upon millions of Americans celebrate this game not just as a championship match but as a chance to bond with their fellow man, shovel fried foods into their mouths for hours on end, and drink themselves to near unconsciousness? I say yes to all those questions, and I don’t ask this of you for any spiteful reasons (unlike what some festive primates might tell you.)
No sir, in fact I see this as an opportunity for all of America. I call not for the season to end this Sunday, but to be restarted so that we all can continue to enjoy America’s favorite sport throughout the doldrums of late winter and early spring. You also said during the inauguration that “Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life.” Do not the over 300 million citizens of this great nation deserve a chance to enjoy our favorite sport during the months we usually spend bored and waiting for its return?
Look, this Super Bow l, other than the glamour and prestige the event itself already has, is nothing special. As a basketball fan you’ll understand that the Arizona Cardinals are the L.A. Clippers of football. As for the Steelers, a grand majority of native Pittsburghers have fled the city many years ago, and most people who claim to be Steeler fans are really people who have no ties to any team, but like rooting for a team that has a cool-looking uniform and have been almost universally successful each of the past 40 years. Being one of these people, Mr. President, you should understand all too well.
Aside from these two fanbases (if you want to call what the Cardinals have a “fanbase,” that is) the rest of America will welcome a new season with open arms, even if it must be abbreviated to 8 or 12 weeks, so not to interfere with the Final Four. We will still have a Super Bowl when everything is said and done, and if these two teams make it back to the Promised Land once again, nobody should resent it. The sacrifices of a few hundred millionaire football players and the few dozen billionaire football owners should not outweigh the benefits to the rest of us. Not only will the nation’s morale improve, but more people will be employed to keep the stadiums ope n and to feed all the football fans while they root for their favorite teams. For once a truly bold initiative must spring forth from Washington, and I can think of nothing bolder than this.
During you inauguration you said, “We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers.” Well, we are also a nation of Packer fans, Colt fans, Giant fans, Dolphin fans, Seahawk fans and Cowboy fans. Instead of being divided 30 ways we can finally be united toward a single goal. This is but one example of what our imagination can achieve when joined with a common purpose. Join us, Mr. President, and carry forth that great gift of football and deliver it safely to future generations.
God Bless you and God Bless the United States of America!
Sincerely,
J.L. White
Stirring missive, J.L. Let’s see what Barry had to say.
Yep. That’s a burn. Won’t blame you. You voted for Brian Russell.
I will kill a man. I will fucking do it. From PFT’s “The Way We Hear It” — While other observers in Seattle might have a hard time agreeing with its line of thinking after Brian Russell’s shaky ‘08 campaign, we hear the Seahawks’ brain trust still thinks their starting free safety’s savvy and steadiness are assets worth keeping.
Oh, that’s good. Those are my favorite stats. Savvy and steadiness. Someone call up Football Outsiders and make sure they take those into account for DVOA.
Memo to all NFL players: Any interaction with Brian Russell, no matter how small, can be calamitous to your career.
Vernon Davis learned the hard way. All he did Sunday was hustle 70 yards downfield to try to stop a Josh Wilson pick-6 and continue to be a “draft bust” by blocking in the Martz scheme that marginalizes him as a receiver. But he was powerless against noted incompetent dickface Brian Russell, who baited Davis into committing the 15-yard personal foul that awesomely set off Mount Singletary.
How does Russell do it? Well, how would YOU do it if you were too slow and too weak to stop any play on the field? Your only hope to make up for, say, a 29-yard Frank Gore run after you accidentally set a pick on a teammate (that actually happened on Sunday) is to be a huge enough asshole — just come off as a total bitch of a man, a weakling with a big mouth — that larger, faster, and more talented players lose their cool and rightfully smack your stupid bitch face.
How come it’s only the GOOD safeties that get murdered?
You know, you New York Giants deserve some more respect. That’s why I’m going to do everything I can from to help you guys out today. Well, everything that can be done from 20 yards off the line of scrimmage, anyway.
Why, hello there, Brandon Jacobs. No, don’t mind me. You keep running by, I prefer the challenge of tackling you from behind.
Derrick Ward, is it? Well, we can’t let Brandon get ALL the yards on the ground, can we?
(Eli Manning play-fakes)
Where’d the ball go?!?! It’s a run! It’s a run! I have to get to the line immediately!
(Sinorice Moss catches touchdown)
Wow, that was amazing! Y’know, Eli really is one of the greatest quarterbacks in the league. Heck, he’s completed almost all of the passes he’s overthrown today!
Look at that, another stillborn possession by our offense. All right, c’mon guys! Let’s get out there and ALLOW SOME TOUCHDOWNS!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!
Safety Brian Russell took snaps as a quarterback after practice, which was really like an emergency drill. He would be the Seahawks’ emergency quarterback behind backup Charlie Frye. Russell played quarterback until his junior season at San Diego State.
Don’t even THINK about it, fuckface! The team already sucks hard enough with you flailing around on one side of the ball. You weren’t good enough as a quarterback in high school to be recruited by ANY of the 119 D-I schools. The reason you play safety now is because you weren’t qualified to be a quarterback. At San Diego State. Ten years ago.
Jesus. You at quarterback could make you at safety look competent.
The way I see it, if Matt Hasselbeck and Charlie Frye get injured before Seneca Wallace’s calf heals, there are three choices:
Wishbone offense! Starring Julius Jones at quarterback! Hey, it’s not like the Seahawks have receivers anyway.
Ultimate fan experience! Always dreamed of playing quarterback in the NFL? Are you nearby? Does this helmet fit you?
Suck-start a Beretta 9mm and shuffle off this mortal coil. Ahhh, the sweet release of death. So preferable to watching Brian Russell play for your favorite team.
This is Brian Russell. He’s the starting free safety for the Seattle Seahawks. He is fucking terrible.
If you’d like to know why the Seahawks have four Pro Bowl starters on defense but still give up 30+ points to the Bills and 49ers, Brian Russell is your answer.
If you’re wondering how J.T. O’Sullivan can get sacked 8 times, but still throw for 321 yards with a touchdown and no interceptions: Brian Russell.
Did you see that Isaac Bruce, who is something like 47 years old, got 153 yards on only 4 catches? There’s a secret ingredient to that formula, and his name is Brian Russell.
How does he do it? How can one weak link in the defense fuck the team over so hard?
‘A rickety tackler with a Frank Gehry eye for angles.’
