Images via Yahoo! Sports and Sports Illustrated

Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre.

Last night saw Brett Favre lined up wide in the wildcat package and the veteran gunslinger put together a perfect demonstration of the illegal crackback block on Houston’s Eugene Wilson. And what’s this? The broadcast booth is criticizing him?

Where’s Tony Kornheiser to offer up excuses when we need him?!

How’s he supposed to know how to block, he’s a QUARTERBACK!

All right, people, if you’ve got HBO and you’re watching this aborted douchefetus, let us hear your thoughts.  Those without pay cable, follow along in the comments.  It’s the poor man’s live blog.

This is Dr. James Andrews, and if you follow professional sports you’re probably familiar with his work. It is Andrews’ nimble fingers that have been responsible for breathing the life back into hundreds of lame limbs from all across the sporting spectrum, and now he’s taking on Brett Favre’s bum bicep. Clearly the man has gone mad with power.

Jesus fucking Christ, James, if God really wanted Brett Favre to make another comeback he wouldn’t have taken the time to reduce the man’s throwing arm to delicious shredded beef. Who are you to interfere with His divine will? You must have an ego the likes of which we’ve only seen from Favre himself. I am pleading with you to think long and hard about what you’re doing before you selfishly repair another man’s injury.

That is why I am humbly requesting that you kick the Hippocratic Oath to the curb for a day and “take one for the team” by botching this procedure. In fact, I’m willing to start up a collection on this very blog to compensate you for doing as such.

Cancel the procedure?

We’ll figure out a way to make up for the lost income (invaluable gambling advice!).

Go through with the procedure but intentionally botch it to make sure Favre never so much as lifts his right arm over his head?

Double compensation, plus a free whore to do with as you see fit.

Feel too guilty to screw up on purpose?

We’ll buy you a case of Red Bull to chug before the surgery. That way your conscience can remain (somewhat) clear while your hands do their best impression of a Parkinson’s patient.

Feel free to sleep on it, James. But if you don’t have an answer soon I’ll be powerless to stop Drew from offering a bounty on your veiny hands.

[Office of Mike Tannenbaum, New York Jets general manager. Mike is sitting at his desk as Brett Favre walks in]

Mike Tannenbaum: Hi Brett, come on in and have a seat. So listen, I want you to know that the Jets are truly committed to having you back for 2009.

BRETT FAVRE: Welldatsoll wellinguud derr Mikeybuttah ainso surrabout cumminback cuzimmeen ibeenhere fowrdang monts inna ainseen no guud coonhuntin anuwhure. Endiffderr wonthing Brittfarr wondoo itsgo huntin dem coons.

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, uh, Brett, you know the correct nomenclature is African-American now. I mean, you know, between us whitefolk we can even–

BRETT FAVRE: NO CUMMON DERR yabigol hushpuppy. Coonsin crittersin varmits anna guudoll fishinole. Aingot nunnadat herriNoo Yowrk andiownlee spotiNoo Jerzeegotta bigoll Wappina tracsoot keeppon charjinmee fordda bait. Mighbe sumptin shaydeegonnonn derr, lemme tell ya.

Mike Tannenbaum: Hey, Brett, I totally understand. You’re looking for more of the natural amenities that you enjoyed in Green Bay. And the Jets organization is sensitive to that. So you tell me, what’s it going to take to keep Brett Favre in a Jets uniform for 2009?

BRETT FAVRE: Awcommunderr Mikeydon need nuttinbutta lilmoor tymma thinkuh boudit. Lettoll demoll meedya typespeckuhlatin kinda willie wonnie Brittfarr willie wonnie. Datderr’s guudfer bizniz, lemme tell ya.

Mike Tannenbaum: Brett, we’d really like to avoid that sort of attention this offseason. Now tell me. What does Brett Favre need from the Jets to play quarterback one more season.

BRETT FAVRE: Welluh…

Mike Tannenbaum: Come on, Brett, don’t be bashful.

BRETT FAVRE: Welluh…dat Mangeenee? Heddun thinkoll Britfarr ennuhthinkkit mybeeziur fwee din havoll puppytits assa big dog next year.

Mike Tannenbaum: So you want Mangini gone. That’s great, because I fired him like three days ago.

BRETT FAVRE: Yaddid? Aw dat jus dandy.

Mike Tannenbaum: Indeed. Now what else does Brett Favre want?

BRETT FAVRE: Well [reaches into back pocket], beenthinkinbowt dem yooni forms y’allad lasyeer? Ol’ Brittfarr haddenay deeuh boutdat. Now juslooky addis and telloll Brittwutyathink.

[Brett hands Mike a doctored photo]

Mike Tannenbaum: Wow, this is…this is something…I’ll have to get back to you on this, Brett. I notice that on this jersey, you don’t have a number.

BRETT FAVRE: Naw, seederr? Dassa bigoll possum.

Mike Tannenbaum: You want your jersey number…to be a possum?

BRETT FAVRE: Yessir, frunowwon immabee runninnow datderr tunnelendat bigoll voysgun holler, “Heer’s y’alls quoreback, nummer possum, Brittfarr!”

Mike Tannenbaum: That’s some powerful imagery, Brett. But I’m quite sure the league won’t let your replace your jersey number with a possum.

BRETT FAVRE: Dubble possum den.

Mike Tannenbaum: Brett…let’s just put this one aside for now. What else do you want?

BRETT FAVRE: Well…howbow summadem geesinda lockaruum?

Mike Tannenbaum: Geese? Brett…you can’t hunt geese in the team dressing room.

BRETT FAVRE: Hunnum? Ayduwanna hunnum? Ayjuslike geese. Yewlike geese, doncha?

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, yes, of course! I, uh, even had a pet goose as a child! Such…sanitary creatures.

BRETT FAVRE: Yew foolin. Ol’ Brittfarr knowdattif yew haddiny geesen yewdnoduh singulurfer geeses geese, ya bigoll dummy.

Mike Tannenbaum: Oh…well yes, haha! You got me, Brett. I should have known to put one over on you!

BRETT FAVRE: Wellemme thinkusumudder stuffen allbee fixintecall yewtumorruh?

Mike Tannenbaum: That’s fine, Brett. I’m glad we had a chance to meet. Take care.

[Favre leaves. Woody Johnson, Jets owner, enters]

Woody Johnson: So you got Brett to come back, right?

Mike Tannenbaum: That depends. [shows Woody the photo] How do you feel about double possum?

Oh my God! Did you hear the latest news? Brett Favre is MISSING!

Peter King knows something afoul is afoot because Bretty and his agent are no longer responding to the writer’s text-message inquiries. King has issued a full-scale Amber Alert, but those damn policemen don’t seem to be taking him seriously.

That leaves it to us civilians to find our beloved gunslinger. We can’t be sure where he is in the physical sense, but here’s a list of things that might be keeping him from returning King’s texts.

- Searching for the perfect pair of Isotoners

- Actually underground (in a hole with “Fragile” Frankie Merman)