Drew Brees tonight was the first of perhaps several QBs this season who will pass Dan Marino’s single-season passing yardage record. Tom Brady could realistically pass Breesus next week and render all the crazy celebration in the Superdome hilariously moot. Oh man, it’s just like ’98 with McGwire and Sosa except thankfully not baseball and America doesn’t have to pretend really hard that something is capturing its imagination.

As the record breaking approached, I wondered whether ESPN would go out of its way to embarrass themselves with overwrought graphics like they did with Favre’s 500th TD pass the year before.

It’s closer than I figured, but The Gunslinger’s is still a bit more ostentatious. And you can tell that ESPN thinks Favre has a bigger moment because they have their branding all over it. Sorry, Breesus, you’ll have to be more of a self-aggrandizing turd to get on Brittfar’s hype level.

So what else happened? A blowout? Most assuredly, there was that. But that’s to be expected with live blogged games. ALSO: Was there fodder for the sports talk guardians of proper conduct for the shield? Yes. Yes, in fact, there was.

Pierre Thomas put a bow on a football and handed it to a fan.

“Look.

Look, Pierre Thomas. Where I come from. When I come from. There was a thing called respect. If our efforts achieved positive results, in any field of human endeavor, that was to be attributed to the amount of hard work we put in beforehand. If it was a contest of sport, we were thankful that our hard work bested their hard work. You knew yourself to be fortunate. Whenever a man commits fully to working his hardest, as we all did in those days, you knew yourself to be lucky if your largest commitment of effort was greater than the man across from you, because you accepted he gave his all, and such a display of vulnerability was nothing to mock. You certainly showed no flash in victory. We cut a fine figure, possessing a workmanlike stoicism the likes of which you could only ask your daddy about.

Oh, and I’m probably the model of a guy who plows Bob Costas in his dreams.”

Lance Moore will probably also be fined for having Christmas foot wrap.

I don’t know about fines, but someone should be held accountable for what happened in the Betty White intro to the broadcast. Her stint with ironic last-gasp fame before death expired roughly a year ago, but she’s not comparing anyone to Hitler, so I guess she’ll do.

If it wasn’t already clear from the Juicy Fruit segment in the Saints’ America’s Team special, Sean Payton has an OCD issue with bubble gum.

Cherish these moments, friends. For this is the final Monday Night Football of the season. It was a fraught year for the primetime institution, what with sloppy blowout after sloppy blowout, Hank Williams Jr. getting bounced for getting Hitler-y on his rowdy friends and, to top it off, stadium blackouts. Don’t know what we’ll do without you. Maybe Gruden will actually land a coaching job before next season. Probably not, but we try to remain hopeful.

I initially figured that the Falcons have little to play for, having clinched the playoffs last night with a Chicago loss. But upon further investigation, it appears Atlanta can still technically catch the Saints for the NFC South title, longshot though it may be. So they’ll be playing in the Wild Card round regardless, but they could maybe host a game and spoil the Saints’ outside chance at a first-round bye. Ah, the joys of seeding. A shame they’re playing in the Superdome, where New Orleans wins every game by 40. It’s okay, though, because the Falcons have a really awesome conditioning regimen that eliminates injuries forever.

“I’m very confident with what we’ve been doing over the last three and a half years,” said general manager Thomas Dimitroff, who described the methods as semirevolutionary.

Quasi-innovative-esque! No wonder PK loves him.

By all indications, this should be a repeat of last week’s Superdome curbstomping that the Saints put on the Giants, only with a lighter shade of blue despair. It would be nice if NBC doesn’t see fit to copy ESPN and show six hours of mumbling game plan meetings between Drew Brees and Sean Payton in a drab hotel conference room. Bob Costas will half a halftime denunciation ready. He will decry the meetings as boastful and overly stimulating. Then Costas will demand that a plain text crawl of his musings replace al other visuals.

Nothing to do with the impending blowout, but what’s going on with The Matron Saint’s giant ’80s hair? A reference to the old Sarah Palin sportscasting days? Dropping hints that she and Tyler Palko deserve to be as one? Your guess is as good as mine.

What’s this? A Monday night game between two teams well positioned in the playoff chase? How many times has that happened this season? Oh yeah – once. It was Week 5 with Detroit and Chicago [Okay, Philly-Chicago is arguably another and the game itself was superior to Bears-Lions, but the Eagles are hardly a playoff caliber team, so there]. Better enjoy tonight while it lasts because it’s Chargers-Jaguars keck vs. dreck next week. Though we may have to do a Superdome repeat and live blog the Sunday night game instead. We’ll see.

Speaking of the Superdome, I missed the news last month that Mercedes-Benz bought naming rights for the once decrepit death pit turned renovated non-death pit. Awww, you went and got fancy on us, Saints. ANOTHER STEP TOWARD BEING REVILED OVERDOGS!

Longtime Bears center Olin Kreutz played at a superior level for 13 years in Chicago. This past off-season, he left for New Orleans to snap the ball to a good quarterback for a change. He obviously didn’t care for it, so Kreutz opted to call it a career this week. He cited a lack of passion as the reason for his reason to leave the game. Breesus has never suffered for a lack of passion, only for your sins, but he isn’t going to judge his team’s starting center for walking away. He knows Kreutz will find something else that makes him happy and gives him purpose, and really, that’s all that matters to Breesus.

As for this contest, hooray for second straight week of subpar primetime games! Did you know Drew Brees and Curtis Painter both went to Purdue? Sorry to spoil the factoid that announcers will use to fill dead air in a blowout. So maybe we will miss Fetushead for not being able to relive his Super Bowl XLIV pick-six heroics, but we’ll get by okay. As much as it was painful to see Tebow’s comeback against Miami produce predictably terrible headlines like these:

At least the loss keeps Miami in the running for top position in the Suck for Luck suckstakes. Have you seen the Indy’s schedule? It’d be pretty brutal even if they had Peyton. Without him, well, those two games against Jacksonville look like the only ones they’re capable of winning barring a complete meltdown by another opponent. Which is why we’re doing all we can to implore the Jags to roll over for Indy later this season. We’ll do anything! Buy tickets, jerseys. We’ll pretend like the team has a thriving fan base and is in absolutely no danger of relocation. All these things can be yours for two measly losses.

Anyway, various moments of lulz from today’s action:

Here’s Marmalard chucking the ball out of bounds on a desperation 4th down at the end of the Chargers’ loss to the Jets. DEATH FLOAT! That he comes off the field shouting at Norv is yet another blissful confirmation of everything we cruelly correctly assume about Laserface.

Matt Forte had an amazing juke on a TD run early in the Bears victory over Tampa. He followed that up by getting tackled for a safety, which featured a hearteningly malevolent “FUCK YOU” being picked up by one of the the field microphones. In my NFL, if you score, you should be awarded one extravagant dance routine or outlandish profanity. It’s only right.

The Vikings Brian Robison kicked Packers’ lineman T.J. Lang in the groin following a Green Bay field goal. Wish we had gotten player audio of that. In my opinion, “TAKE THAT, CHEESEDICK” is a simple and solid line for punting a Packer in the nuts.

Not carting Hines off the field in a rickshaw is pretty culturally insensitive, if you ask me. Even a pedicab would have been nice.

Drew Brees HERPED and DERPED and nearly cost his team the game with Gunslinger-style behind-the-back shovel pass monkeyshines, but all was well because with Michael Turner being mostly useless all night, the Falcons offense couldn’t get anything going. That said, a Breesus victory isn’t quite as life-affirming when the announcers bend over suggestively to apologize for his mistakes, as Jaws did tonight, saying that Brees has “amnesia” and that mistakes, even mind-bogglingly terrible ones, never dog him. Someone will have to remind him tomorrow that he has more than 20 interceptions this season.

I haven’t finished crunching the numbers, but I’m fairly certain TEAM NAME is still in playoff contention, but the other TEAM NAME has been eliminated. Will the NFL have to change division alignment if a 0-0 team qualifies for the postseason?

Hybrid cars, not hybrid fans.

There’s no way Atlanta doesn’t greet Michael Vick with a deafening cheer if the Eagles have to come to the Georgia Dome for the NFC Championship Game. There’s really nothing right about this sign.

Looks like the Falcons cram all the costumed dorky road fans into one conveniently torchable row. They must promise free props from “The Walking Dead” set.

Eminently commendable, however, were the Falcons cheerleader camo outfits. I’d ride those tanks any day!!!!

/is crushed under weight of own awkwardness

The Falcons have to lose out and the Saints have to win out for anyone other than Atlanta to win the NFC South. As everyone knows, the city of New Orleans began its completely real sports-guided road to redemption when the Saints blocked that Falcons punt on the Monday night game in 2006, which is something Dirty Bird fans must never be tired of constantly reliving.

Falcons players themselves seem to be plenty tired of it, as evidenced by Roddy White’s New Orleans diatribe on Twitter last week.

What is it with receivers and blaming God for things? If Atlanta wants a championship, they need some sort of biblical disaster to unfold within city limits. Does “The Walking Dead” count?

Remember, this is the final Monday Night Football broadcast of the season, so savor Jaws’ further devolution into slavering superstar nuthugger and possibly Gruden’s final THIS GUY in the booth, at least until he botches his next head coaching job. Not that this is the final primetime game of the week or anything.

“Sheriff? So declasse. And be so kind as to remove the commoner’s prefix from the proud Garrett family name, won’t you?”

Dallas handed New Orleans its first loss of the season last year, which is about as compelling a storyline as you’re going to get for this game. Well, except that Jason Garrett has launched the Cowboys to the most masterfully orchestrated two-game winning streak in league history. The problem for the newly competent Cowboys is that they’re running up against a Saints team that seems to have put its early season malaise behind it.

There are reports saying Tony Romo could be back in time to play on Christmas Day for the Cowboys. Oh, what a holiday miracle it might be for the league leader in smiles to bounce back in time to cost Dallas its fifth or sixth victory of the season in classic December Dallas style.

“In the water-logged corner, wearing the Fleur-de-lis trunks and the creepy birthmark, Breesus “El Saaaavior” Christ.

In the bathroom stall corner, wearing the hypocycloid trunks with Choco Taco stains, the allegedly evil Benzlebub Roethlisberger.”

This match-up of the two previous Super Bowl champions would have been that much more enticing had New Orleans not spent the last month losing to Arizona and Cleveland. Nevertheless, it beats the hell out of Jacksonville and Tennessee as far as prime time games go. I fully expect the Saints to revert to 2009 championship form following an embarrassing loss to the Browns. So that should be fun, plus we all know a Saints fan will be caught on camera with a wildly inappropriate costume making fun of The Ben.

Speaking of, the Steelers’ last three weeks have been rife with controversy, what with Roethlisberger returning from suspension, James Harrison being singled out as the dirtiest player ever and the Gene Steratore making a bad initial touchdown signal in Miami. All three have helped to stoke Steelers hatred to near-record heights, but it’s the last one that has given comfort and fodder to the myriad conspiracy theorists who populate the dark, musty corners of the Intarwebs.

My favorite such rant by far came from mush-mouthed Philadelphian “master brain” jkallih:

In addition to wearing what might be the most outstanding torn-off sleeveless white T-shirt with a scrawled-on deranged message ever, he makes the following hilariously f*cktarded claims:

- He Googled “Pittsburgh Steelers controversial calls” and got 344,000 results. He therefore concludes the Steelers have been the beneficiaries of 344,000 controversial calls.

- All NFL referees are related to the Rooney family. More specifically, they are all nephews of Dan Rooney. I, for one, can’t wait for the story of Mike Carey’s conception.

- The Philadelphia Eagles are a class organization and have classy fans.

- A sepia colored upside-down picture of his ass is presented for kissing in lieu of his actual ass, because the genuine article would bring the hoes running.

- Only people who like fixed football games put French fries on sandwiches.