Brah, I don’t even know how to react to that! First, I’m all, like, WHEW! There’s Coldplay on the Pod. I praise Brahman for Coldplay. But then you go drop bombs on my moms with the no DMB disclosure. That’s like play-action mindf*ck, brah.

Brah! Is your black brah trying to hang on to the lingering strains of his blackness? Nah brah, you gotta indoctrinate that black brah to chill tunes. Otherwise he could get crazy subversive rap ideas and turn into a gangbanging brah. That’s no way for a black brah to be. It’s dope that you got him on the Coldplay, though. Just add Rilo Kiley and he and Peter King can be tight coffeehouse brahs.

But you really gotta get him on the DMB, brah. It’s, like, not getting your daily dose of chill without it. RDA of DMB, brah. You gotsta have it.

You’re just dropping all the knowledge on the Tweeple today, Brahmaster Fuller.

Brah

Jay

Brahhhh

Jay

Brah, thanks for teaching me to be a badass.

You totally don’t even know how much people give me stress for losing my starting job. I don’t why they can’t let me be a chill brah and handle my biz and mack some 17-year-olds. I gotta be the best brah at everything now?

It’s like John Mayer says, brah, “live and let live,” y’know, brah?

When you told me at the Super Bowl that everyone thinks I’m a bitch, that hit right here, brah. [Pounds fist on his chest] From now on, when, like, people laugh at me for being the number two QB behind some old religious brah, that’s when I’m gonna MMA them in the face.

Yo, brah, I just realized something. Now because I’m a badass, I can rock all the Tapout and Affliction shirts. Brah! That, like, broadcasts that I’m a badass brah. Pussymagnet city! I bet even Gina Carano will let me hit it. Or her 17-year-old sister, if she has one.

You are the wisest brah I know, Jay Glazer. Even wiser than McConaughey. I’m so glad you decided to drop this knowledge on a brah. I mean, not only are you a kickass reporter, but get poon even when you obviously don’t care about your looks and get to kick it with Strahan, who seems like an okay brah himself. One day, when I totally let myself go, I hope to be just like you, brah.

So now that our brahmance has bloomed, can I stop doing push-ups?

(at a party)

Random Girl: Oh no! No one’s showing up to my party! Omigod, I planned this house party for weeks! I made guacamole, bought all kinds of booze, made sangria, and decorated the house in an island theme. I even strung up the chili pepper lights. And no one’s here! I feel so rejected. Where is everyone? I invited 200 people, for God’s sake. Someone’s gotta walk through that door.

(door flies open)

Matt: BRAH!

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: Brah, this party sucks, brah!

Nick: I knah, brah!

Random Girl: Omigod, thank GOD you guys showed up!

Matt: Brah, where’s the vodkah? I need some vodkah, brah!

Nick: And some cranberry juice to go with it, brah!

Random Girl: I have that! I have a handle of Skyy right here. I got it just for you two.

Matt: Nah, brah. Nah, brah. I need Ketel One, brah! (gets text message) Brah! I got a text message! Someone’s texting me, brah!

Nick: Who it is, brah?!

Matt: It’s Angelah, brah! She’s having a fiestah, brah! LET’S GO GET MOJITAHS, BRAH!

Nick: Brah, that’s a fucking plan, brah!

Matt: BRAH!

Nick: BRAH!

Random Girl: No, wait! You can’t leave! You just got here. Please. I’ll do anything to get you to stay.

Matt: Really, brah?

Nick: For shizzle, brah?

Random Girl: ANYTHING.

Matt: Brah, she’s good to gah, brah!

Nick: I nah, brah! She’s not wearing a brah, brah!

Matt: Brah, who gets to hook up with her first, brah?

Nick: Brah, brah. Gotta flip a coin, brah!

Matt: Brah, I don’t wanna be in her vaginah after you’ve been her vaginah, brah! That would make me gay, brah!

Nick: She needs a friend, brah!

Matt: Yeah, brah. You need to find a friend.

Random Girl: My friend Leona’s on her way over?

Matt: Is she hawt, brah? Because I only hook it with hot chicks, brah.

Random Girl: She’s pretty.

Matt: (outraged) Pretty? BRAAAHHH!!!

Nick: Nah nah, brah!

Random Girl: Wait, wait! I have another friend, Gina. She’s smoking hot.

Matt: Whatevah, brah. She battah show up, brah. (gets text message) Brah, I got another text message, brah!

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: Let’s wait for this Ginah while we figure out a plan, brah. This music sucks, brah!

Random Girl: What music do you like?

Matt: GAVIN DEGRAH, BRAH!

Nick: YEAH, WE WANT DEGRAH, BRAH!

Matt: Or Jason Mraz, brah. Mraz and I are brahs, brah.

Nick: But not as good a brah as me, right brah?

Matt: No way, brah! You’re my best brah, brah!

Random Girl: Okay, I’ll change the music.

Matt: And order some food, brah! And get an ice luge in here, brah! I want some Fiah watah, brah! And get some ATV’s in here, brah!

Random Girl: Okay, I’ll order it all now (orders it all). Hey, where are you guys going? I just threw down $5,000 for that stuff you wanted.

Matt: Gotta gah, brah!

Nick: Yeah, brah! We’re gonnah go to Vegas and hit a casinah, brah! C’mon brah, let’s hop in my Carerrah, brah!

Random Girl: I can’t believe this! You two are just a couple flaky, vacuous douchebags!

Matt: Konichiwah, brah!

Random Girl: This is the worst night of my life.

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: BRAH!