Matt Leinart: BRAH! Yo brah. I just made, like, the most epic discovery since man found text message technology. You gotta peep this.

Darnell Dockett: What?

Matt Leinart: Brah, they’re gonna call me the new Sir Issac Newman, that’s how epic this is.

Dockett: What is it?

Leinart: [Pulls out beer] ICED, BRAH!

Dockett: … You discovered Smirnoff Ice?

Leinart: Nah, don’t get silly on me. I mean, c’mon. I didn’t discover Ice, brah. Mr. Smirnoff did that. I discovered icing brahs.

Dockett: What’s the difference?

Leinart: Braahhh, brah, brah. Lemme help you out. All right – an unsuspecting brah is out in public just doing his thang, right? Maybe trying to get his mack on. Maybe just handling his shit.

Dockett: Okay?

Leinart: Then, completely out of nowhere, another brah drops an Ice on him with the quickness. Totally puts him on the spot with the Ice.

Dockett: And?

Leinart: AND!? The brah that got iced has to drop to one knee and chug that bitch on the spot. Brah got no choice. Brah just got iced. See, the point is to Ice a brah at the most inopportune and embarrassing moment. Preferably with the most fruity flavor of the Ice.

Dockett: That’s gay as fuck.

Leinart: Ya brah, that’s the point. Brah gotta some chug some fruity girly brew in front of his friends and associates. It’s the ultimate in brahmiliation. But – and here’s the thing – there’s a catch.

Dockett: All right?

Leinart: If the brah getting iced whips out an Ice of his own when getting Iced, the brah doing the initial icing has to chug both Ices. TURNIN’ THE TABLES ON A BRAH!

Dockett: So you faggots are carrying around Smirnoff Ices on the off chance that one of your stupid-ass friends might try to “Ice” you? I will never understand white people.

Leinart: ‘Course, brah. That’s how the game is played.

Dockett: Dumbest fucking shit I ever heard.

Leinart: That may be true, brah. But I believe I just pulled out an Ice on you. Assume the position.

Dockett: I ain’t doing that shit.

Leinart: You have to, brah. That’s the rules.

Dockett: Yeah, that’s the rules of your retarded little frat boy bullshit that I ain’t never agreed to. I subscribe to the Darnell-Dockett-Does-The-Fuck-He-Wants game. According to those rules, I ain’t gotta do shit I don’t wanna. And I don’t wanna do that shit.

Leinart: Still the rules, brah. No brah ever said life was fair.

Dockett: And what happens if someone don’t chug the Ice?

Leinart: Bad form, brah. A complete loss of brahspect.

Dockett: That’s it? No ass whooping? Kind of weak shit is that?

Leinart: You say it like it’s nothing.

Dockett: [Swipes Ice from Leinart's hand and shoves it back in his face] ICED, BRO!

Leinart: What? Nah brah, naaaaahhh, you can’t do that. Illegal icing procedure.

Dockett: The fuck I can’t. So, now what? You gonna have bad bro form? How we supposed to respect a quarterback who got bad bro form? Shit, I bet Kurt Warner would’ve already been finished chugging it by now. Would’ve added a little prayer after it too.

Leinart: Low blow, brah, low blow.

Dockett: I’mma tell Coach Whisenhunt if you don’t. You think he wants to hear how you don’t display leadership qualities?

Leinart: Sigh.

[to himself] Climb the ladder, Matt, climb the ladder.

Brah, I don’t even know how to react to that! First, I’m all, like, WHEW! There’s Coldplay on the Pod. I praise Brahman for Coldplay. But then you go drop bombs on my moms with the no DMB disclosure. That’s like play-action mindf*ck, brah.

Brah! Is your black brah trying to hang on to the lingering strains of his blackness? Nah brah, you gotta indoctrinate that black brah to chill tunes. Otherwise he could get crazy subversive rap ideas and turn into a gangbanging brah. That’s no way for a black brah to be. It’s dope that you got him on the Coldplay, though. Just add Rilo Kiley and he and Peter King can be tight coffeehouse brahs.

But you really gotta get him on the DMB, brah. It’s, like, not getting your daily dose of chill without it. RDA of DMB, brah. You gotsta have it.

You’re just dropping all the knowledge on the Tweeple today, Brahmaster Fuller.

Brah

Jay

Brahhhh

Jay

Brah, thanks for teaching me to be a badass.

You totally don’t even know how much people give me stress for losing my starting job. I don’t why they can’t let me be a chill brah and handle my biz and mack some 17-year-olds. I gotta be the best brah at everything now?

It’s like John Mayer says, brah, “live and let live,” y’know, brah?

When you told me at the Super Bowl that everyone thinks I’m a bitch, that hit right here, brah. [Pounds fist on his chest] From now on, when, like, people laugh at me for being the number two QB behind some old religious brah, that’s when I’m gonna MMA them in the face.

Yo, brah, I just realized something. Now because I’m a badass, I can rock all the Tapout and Affliction shirts. Brah! That, like, broadcasts that I’m a badass brah. Pussymagnet city! I bet even Gina Carano will let me hit it. Or her 17-year-old sister, if she has one.

You are the wisest brah I know, Jay Glazer. Even wiser than McConaughey. I’m so glad you decided to drop this knowledge on a brah. I mean, not only are you a kickass reporter, but get poon even when you obviously don’t care about your looks and get to kick it with Strahan, who seems like an okay brah himself. One day, when I totally let myself go, I hope to be just like you, brah.

So now that our brahmance has bloomed, can I stop doing push-ups?

(at a party)

Random Girl: Oh no! No one’s showing up to my party! Omigod, I planned this house party for weeks! I made guacamole, bought all kinds of booze, made sangria, and decorated the house in an island theme. I even strung up the chili pepper lights. And no one’s here! I feel so rejected. Where is everyone? I invited 200 people, for God’s sake. Someone’s gotta walk through that door.

(door flies open)

Matt: BRAH!

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: Brah, this party sucks, brah!

Nick: I knah, brah!

Random Girl: Omigod, thank GOD you guys showed up!

Matt: Brah, where’s the vodkah? I need some vodkah, brah!

Nick: And some cranberry juice to go with it, brah!

Random Girl: I have that! I have a handle of Skyy right here. I got it just for you two.

Matt: Nah, brah. Nah, brah. I need Ketel One, brah! (gets text message) Brah! I got a text message! Someone’s texting me, brah!

Nick: Who it is, brah?!

Matt: It’s Angelah, brah! She’s having a fiestah, brah! LET’S GO GET MOJITAHS, BRAH!

Nick: Brah, that’s a fucking plan, brah!

Matt: BRAH!

Nick: BRAH!

Random Girl: No, wait! You can’t leave! You just got here. Please. I’ll do anything to get you to stay.

Matt: Really, brah?

Nick: For shizzle, brah?

Random Girl: ANYTHING.

Matt: Brah, she’s good to gah, brah!

Nick: I nah, brah! She’s not wearing a brah, brah!

Matt: Brah, who gets to hook up with her first, brah?

Nick: Brah, brah. Gotta flip a coin, brah!

Matt: Brah, I don’t wanna be in her vaginah after you’ve been her vaginah, brah! That would make me gay, brah!

Nick: She needs a friend, brah!

Matt: Yeah, brah. You need to find a friend.

Random Girl: My friend Leona’s on her way over?

Matt: Is she hawt, brah? Because I only hook it with hot chicks, brah.

Random Girl: She’s pretty.

Matt: (outraged) Pretty? BRAAAHHH!!!

Nick: Nah nah, brah!

Random Girl: Wait, wait! I have another friend, Gina. She’s smoking hot.

Matt: Whatevah, brah. She battah show up, brah. (gets text message) Brah, I got another text message, brah!

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: Let’s wait for this Ginah while we figure out a plan, brah. This music sucks, brah!

Random Girl: What music do you like?

Matt: GAVIN DEGRAH, BRAH!

Nick: YEAH, WE WANT DEGRAH, BRAH!

Matt: Or Jason Mraz, brah. Mraz and I are brahs, brah.

Nick: But not as good a brah as me, right brah?

Matt: No way, brah! You’re my best brah, brah!

Random Girl: Okay, I’ll change the music.

Matt: And order some food, brah! And get an ice luge in here, brah! I want some Fiah watah, brah! And get some ATV’s in here, brah!

Random Girl: Okay, I’ll order it all now (orders it all). Hey, where are you guys going? I just threw down $5,000 for that stuff you wanted.

Matt: Gotta gah, brah!

Nick: Yeah, brah! We’re gonnah go to Vegas and hit a casinah, brah! C’mon brah, let’s hop in my Carerrah, brah!

Random Girl: I can’t believe this! You two are just a couple flaky, vacuous douchebags!

Matt: Konichiwah, brah!

Random Girl: This is the worst night of my life.

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: BRAH!