Whhhhhhaaaa? You got something for mmmmeeeee? Nnnnnnoooo, you shouldn’t've, YOU BIG SILLY.

Oooh, thank you, thank you, you big huge Mister Mansssssss. Now I forgive you for all that nasty talk you was giving me on New Year’s Eve. You always knew I liked to be debased just a lil’.

That’s right, put down that gushing bottle of EAS and come give me some sugar, cuddlefish.

And don’t think I forgot YOUR gift.

This guy was shouting homophobic slurs at people other than the reflection in his church bathroom’s mirror…

The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill at 790 North High St. The Mexican restaurant is next door to the Union Cafe Bar + Food, one of Columbus’ most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.

On the 9-1-1 call, Harris said that “Brady Quinn from the Browns” was “trying to cause a fight.” Harris told the operator, “I just walked outside and he exchanged many profanities with me and called me a faggot, of course.”

Reached Monday by The Plain Dealer, Harris confirmed that Quinn was the person who used the slur.

“I knew who it was,” he said. “It wasn’t just directed at me, there were other people around, too.”

Is it possible that he was merely extolling the virtues of La Fogata Grill’s selection of sausage, cucumber, and other phallic edibles?

Probably not.

It takes a real big man to round up some friends, head down to the gay neighborhood, and talk shit to a bunch of stylists. Hey Brady, the gay population of Columbus has enough problems (living in Ohio, for example) without you projecting on them.

Recently, there’s been much some ado about Brady Quinn’s preposterous holdout, in which the draft’s #22 pick has yet to report to training camp because he and agent Tom Condon feel that Quinn deserves top-ten money.

And I think we can all say in unison: Fuck Brady Quinn. I feel like carrying a claw hammer around in my bag so I can brutally murder people on the subway. I feel like my taste and judgment should be respected to the point where I could euthanize freely without prosecution. But guess what? The world isn’t run by the way I feel about things, so the people who cut in line at clubs because they think they’re fucking special get to enjoy another day without their skulls turned inside out.

And you know who’s on board with me here? Our main man Peter King:

It isn’t just the front office that’s frustrated with Quinn. Players are usually business-will-be-business guys, but I got a sense a few of his teammates think Quinn is out of mind for not being in camp. And he shouldn’t expect a welcome mat whenever he arrives…

Bottom line: The Browns would love to serve up on a silver platter the quarterback job to this Ohio golden boy, but he’s probably within two or three days of getting so far behind, it would be hard for him to catch up and earn the starting job before midseason.

And you know what that means, NFL fans? It means several more weeks of THE CHARLIE FRYE EXPERIENCE.

In other words, bookies are already scrambling to find new numbers large enough to set the spread in Browns games. Can they cover eleventy? Doubt it.

But hey, outside of that autograph signing thing and missing his chance to become the starter right away, Brady’s at least a home-grown boy winning over the locals, right? Right?

Well, according to Cleveland native and longtime Browns fan Brian… no. Brian wrote us last weekend (July 27th, to be precise) to tell us of his encounter with Quinn (the veracity of which we of course cannot verify). But in the true spirit of Internet rumor-mongering, I include Brian’s lengthy email in near-entirety below, partially because it sounds plausible, but at least partly because I felt we should reward the first person to ever send us an email that was free from rampant grammatical errors, misspellings, and incoherent thought.

Having just turned 21 in February, this summer has been my first real exposure to the Cleveland bar scene. In a word: not that sweet. Regardless, last weekend I was at a popular place in the Warehouse District called the Blind Pig. My friend and I were checking out the skirt population (which was not that sweet either) when out of the corner of my eye I notice a pretty big dude with beautiful brown locks.

I said this at the time of the draft, and this anecdote only reinforces that belief: Brady Quinn belongs in Cleveland as much as Michael Vick belongs in an animal hospital. The guy is a snobby pretty boy asshole with no concern for his fans or the town. Joe Thomas? The guy who gutted a fucking trout on ESPN during the draft? He’s a Cleveland Brown.

Also a Cleveland Brown? Charlie Frye. He exudes the quiet crappiness that the team and city have come to represent. Have fun this season, Cleveland.

(Thanks to reader Dan V. for the Photoshop.)

Ain’t looking for nothin’ but a good time / And it don’t get better than this

There’s nothing more I can say, just enjoy.

God bless you Brady Quinn, you make life more fun.

UPDATE: The delightful Brian Cook of The AOL Fanhouse FanHouse drops the knowledge on Brady’s bearded buddy, one Ryan Tucker formerly of some shitty Catholic school in Indiana frog school in North Mexico.

In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends.

Thanks Brady!

We’re not done yet

IF YOU’VE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS BLOG from its inception, you’re already aware that we have a bit of a track record when it comes to people of a certain public status. Regardless, we consider it part of our raison d’être to keep tabs on even those peripheral characters in this small, (sometimes) confining realm of professional prolate ellipsoidism. And it so happens that such a person jumped onto our radar during last weekend’s Draft.

By now, most of us know that Lindy Slinger is not some random stewardess that the Notre Dame quarterback picked up on his flight to New York, nor is she some high-class prostitute that was assigned to Brady by the League for the purposes of deflecting rumors of Mr. Quinn’s alleged homosexuality, a la Rock Hudson.

No, Lindy is actually passing herself off as the All-American Girl to Baby Dreamboat’s All-American Gay Guy. She plays Divsion I soccer, has a birthday on Christmas and probably doesn’t put out until coerced, or to get back at her last boyfriend, not that I would know anything about that. But is such a generous assessment even in the same cul-de-sac with reality? I asked around, and some people suggested to the contrary. What follows are actual tips sent in from actual readers, and obviously only Jesus cannot confirm or deny whether any of these are true, and He and I are kind of on the outs right now:

I knew her from high school. She [was] pretty much just your typical soccer playing prep girl who was also a huge slut. My sister was in her year and on the soccer team with her; she absolutely hated her.

-HS classmate A

I’ve only got one, and it’s no secret.

-Brady Lite, when asked if he had a secret crush, in his HS yearbook

I think they were waiting til they were out of college [to marry]; [but] they were off for awhile and he dated a girl [for a couple of months] here at ND, but then realized Lindy was The One.

-Notre Dame student

She couldn’t get into Notre Dame if her life depended on it. She ended up at Miami, but somehow managed to hold on to Brady while he was in South Bend. She’s been rockin’ the nasty fake blonde hair since high school.

-HS classmate B

She definitely lets everyone at Miami know she’s dating him and tries just like he does to portray this really churchy goody-goody image that couldn’t be further off.

-Miami of Ohio student

She didn’t start dating Brady until his senior year, so she had plenty of time to build a slutty reputation prior to that. My basis for the label comes mostly from knowing how she acted in middle school and through high school. I guess she could have actually calmed down, found Jesus and what not since she went to college, but…I really doubt it.

-HS classmate A

I kept getting filled with rage every time ESPN gave that [young lady] airtime this weekend, but [if you put a] gun to my head, I’d rather look at her than either of Quinn’s mannish sisters.

I’ve seen her uptown a few times; she’s more of a Campus Crusader closet slut than a bar hopping one.

-Miami of Ohio student

For those who would argue that this broad has no bearing on anything, I say this: Lindy’s relationship with Brady Lite could very well determine the outcome of Quinn’s quest for NFL prominence. Numerous professional studies have shown that people are more proficient during the day when they return to more stable lives at home. Their successes, and failures, will be shared (Her major is communications, for fuck’s sake, and the only two jobs for that major out of college are “football player” and “football player’s wife”).

So if Quinn can be the benefactor of that kind of lovin’, good for him. That is, if their relationship is as solid as advertised. Such a fortified presence in his life can only enhance his spirit, provided his list of excuses for being sighted near highway rest stops is ample.

But if that relationship is so damn great, why feel the need to advertise it at all? Will corporate endorsement reps or hotel groupies be setting their rosters any differently based on arm candy that looks more like the Tuesday warmup act at Columbus Gold? Does the league stand to gain by promoting its new Caucasian quarterback as some sort of anti-Leinart? And does this leave Lindy to be an unlikely centerpiece in pro football’s return to traditional values? Or the NFL’s first fag hag?

Still, at the end of the day, how do you say no to this guy:

Just to reiterate, and to keep Drew from having a stroke, these tips are actual feedback from solicitations for comment that I put out earlier this week, and I suppose, prima facie, that they would be about as credible as what Jimmy told you about what Brad said that Heather said that Karen said that Danny said in front of your locker before third period. They were not made up for laughs, and we’re just passing them along.

Name: Brady Quinn — he’s like the anti-Reggie Cleveland! (you might remember him from Ron Borges’ Reggie Cleveland All Stars)

Height: Taller than the average leprechaun
Weight: A bit light in the loafers

Urine Test: Trace amounts of diethylstilbestrol
Stool Sample: Semen swirled

Mainstream Comparison: Carson Palmer (neither could beat USC for different reasons)
KSK Comparison: Lance Bass

Who Wants Him: Unless the Lions or Browns reach big time the answer is…nobody. He’ll get drafted by the team that says “Fuck, he’s still here? I guess we have to take him.”

Hobbies: Hair gel, 3-ways with his sister and AJ

Fav Movie: Roto Rooting Rudy Ruetigger (gay porn version of Rudy)

Fav Simpsons Ep/Nickname: Mr. Plow

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Expect the full package…that gag reflex is normal

Immediate Impact: Even if he’s not a great quarterback he’s a lock to increase the league’s “Abercrombie Quotient” by ten percent. That being said, he’s no stranger to the league’s up-and-coming Dipshit Consortium.

Down the Road: People like to think he could be the next Tom Brady–then again, I like to think I could be the next middleweight champion of the world. He could be the next Carson Palmer but he’s probably the next Eli Manning.