Zak Keasey is drooling at his computer AS WE SPEAK.
Hey TMZ, if you want to “borrow” some more “exclusives” from sports blogs. I would suggest the following which concerns another sexy quarterback. Trust me, your readers will love this…
[ thx to MC Bias for reading TMZ so I don't have to ]
Ads like this one have popped up on Facebook recently. Looks like some unscrupulous advertiser is using Brady Quinn’s image without his consent– or not. Maybe he is getting a piece of the action. If so, good for him.
[ HT: Jock Talk Blog ]
When Quinn walked into the green room for the NFL Draft last April, he probably thought he was going to be a top ten pick, maybe even go number one. But he didn’t, as you’ll recall. He went 22nd.
When Charlie Frye shit the bed in Week One, Quinn thought he was probably going to get a huge bump in playing time, maybe even start a few games in his rookie season. But he didn’t. Derek Anderson jumped in and set the NFL ablaze, jump-starting the Browns to a 10-win season, and probably saving Battletoad Crennel’s job in the process.
And when Horse Balls finally got paid in free agency, with guaranteed money nearly double what Quinn is slated to earn, one would suspect that the Columbus, Ohio native had finally learned his place in the League.
Yeah, not so much. He’s expecting an open competition in training camp.
“My whole goal is preparing myself and getting ready to try to take over the starting job and lead this team,” Quinn said Saturday during [sexual intercourse with two other men, three underage boys, and a dalmatian for] an appearance at an auto show.
Browns GM Phil Savage, who’s like Ozzie Newsome, except he’s white and never played in the league, and a lot younger, has Anderson locked in as the starter:
“When you sign a contract like we did with Derek, I don’t think there’s going to be an ‘open [rest stop exit for homosexual athletes to engage in any sort of] competition’,” Browns general manager Phil Savage said. “We go in with Derek as the lead horse. You don’t sign a contract like that and say, ‘hey, it’s an open competition’.”
However, Coach Crennel is insinuating that Brady Lite will get a look:
“You have to [have the occasional sphincter stretching if you expect to get better as a football team or they're gonna bring in some damn white boy to] compete for your job. That’s the same at the quarterback spot [where we have a nice dichotomy between super-masculine and downright Nancified, and then a third guy who I don't know much about]. Both of those guys [and that one girl from Notre Dame] are going to compete and then we’ll see who gives us the best chance. We’ve always done it that way and that’s what we’re going to do [right after I polish off this rack of ribs, some baked beans, slaw, brisket, pork tenderloin and extra-large Barqs root beer. Holy shit, I love root beer].”
I’ll never understand coachspeak.
Whhhhhhaaaa? You got something for mmmmeeeee? Nnnnnnoooo, you shouldn’t've, YOU BIG SILLY.
Oooh, thank you, thank you, you big huge Mister Mansssssss. Now I forgive you for all that nasty talk you was giving me on New Year’s Eve. You always knew I liked to be debased just a lil’.
That’s right, put down that gushing bottle of EAS and come give me some sugar, cuddlefish.
And don’t think I forgot YOUR gift.
This guy was shouting homophobic slurs at people other than the reflection in his church bathroom’s mirror…
The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill at 790 North High St. The Mexican restaurant is next door to the Union Cafe Bar + Food, one of Columbus’ most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.On the 9-1-1 call, Harris said that “Brady Quinn from the Browns” was “trying to cause a fight.” Harris told the operator, “I just walked outside and he exchanged many profanities with me and called me a faggot, of course.”
Reached Monday by The Plain Dealer, Harris confirmed that Quinn was the person who used the slur.
“I knew who it was,” he said. “It wasn’t just directed at me, there were other people around, too.”
Is it possible that he was merely extolling the virtues of La Fogata Grill’s selection of sausage, cucumber, and other phallic edibles?
Probably not.
It takes a real big man to round up some friends, head down to the gay neighborhood, and talk shit to a bunch of stylists. Hey Brady, the gay population of Columbus has enough problems (living in Ohio, for example) without you projecting on them.
Recently, there’s been much some ado about Brady Quinn’s preposterous holdout, in which the draft’s #22 pick has yet to report to training camp because he and agent Tom Condon feel that Quinn deserves top-ten money.
And I think we can all say in unison: Fuck Brady Quinn. I feel like carrying a claw hammer around in my bag so I can brutally murder people on the subway. I feel like my taste and judgment should be respected to the point where I could euthanize freely without prosecution. But guess what? The world isn’t run by the way I feel about things, so the people who cut in line at clubs because they think they’re fucking special get to enjoy another day without their skulls turned inside out.
And you know who’s on board with me here? Our main man Peter King:
It isn’t just the front office that’s frustrated with Quinn. Players are usually business-will-be-business guys, but I got a sense a few of his teammates think Quinn is out of mind for not being in camp. And he shouldn’t expect a welcome mat whenever he arrives…
Compounding the problem is that Quinn did an autograph show in Cleveland earlier this summer and charged $75 per autographed photo. Talk about rubbing the locals the wrong way. That, combined with this ill-advised holdout, led one Browns insider to tell me the team wouldn’t be surprised when Quinn finally reported to training camp. There would probably be a segment of fans on hand that would boo him…
Bottom line: The Browns would love to serve up on a silver platter the quarterback job to this Ohio golden boy, but he’s probably within two or three days of getting so far behind, it would be hard for him to catch up and earn the starting job before midseason.
And you know what that means, NFL fans? It means several more weeks of THE CHARLIE FRYE EXPERIENCE.
In other words, bookies are already scrambling to find new numbers large enough to set the spread in Browns games. Can they cover eleventy? Doubt it.
But hey, outside of that autograph signing thing and missing his chance to become the starter right away, Brady’s at least a home-grown boy winning over the locals, right? Right?
Well, according to Cleveland native and longtime Browns fan Brian… no. Brian wrote us last weekend (July 27th, to be precise) to tell us of his encounter with Quinn (the veracity of which we of course cannot verify). But in the true spirit of Internet rumor-mongering, I include Brian’s lengthy email in near-entirety below, partially because it sounds plausible, but at least partly because I felt we should reward the first person to ever send us an email that was free from rampant grammatical errors, misspellings, and incoherent thought.
Having just turned 21 in February, this summer has been my first real exposure to the Cleveland bar scene. In a word: not that sweet. Regardless, last weekend I was at a popular place in the Warehouse District called the Blind Pig. My friend and I were checking out the skirt population (which was not that sweet either) when out of the corner of my eye I notice a pretty big dude with beautiful brown locks.
“Holy shit,” I tell my friend, “That’s Brady Quinn”
I walk towards him, politely stick out my hand and say “You’re Brady Quinn. Nice to meet you, man.”
Brady: “Uhhh, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Me: “Dude…you’re Brady Quinn.”
Brady (laughing awkwardly): “Oh yeah well, uh, I get that all the time.”
Me: “Yeah, you get that all the time BECAUSE you’re Brady Quinn.”
Brady and his posse of Irish Catholic friends then walk away without saying another word. I don’t have even the slightest inkling of a doubt that it was Brady and that he’s a lying sack of 85 dollar per autograph signing piece of shit. My brother went to Notre Dame. My roommate is obsessed with the football team. I had been subject to more Brady Quinn stories/stats/info than I had ever desired, and that was BEFORE the Browns squandered a probable 2008 top-10 pick on him. The guy was about 6′4″ and visibly jacked under a loose fitting navy, gold and white Adidas tshirt (ND colors; Adidas also sponsors the football team). It was him.
I said this at the time of the draft, and this anecdote only reinforces that belief: Brady Quinn belongs in Cleveland as much as Michael Vick belongs in an animal hospital. The guy is a snobby pretty boy asshole with no concern for his fans or the town. Joe Thomas? The guy who gutted a fucking trout on ESPN during the draft? He’s a Cleveland Brown.
Also a Cleveland Brown? Charlie Frye. He exudes the quiet crappiness that the team and city have come to represent. Have fun this season, Cleveland.
(Thanks to reader Dan V. for the Photoshop.)
There’s nothing more I can say, just enjoy.
God bless you Brady Quinn, you make life more fun.
UPDATE: The delightful Brian Cook of The AOL Fanhouse FanHouse drops the knowledge on Brady’s bearded buddy, one Ryan Tucker formerly of some shitty Catholic school in Indiana frog school in North Mexico.
In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends.
Thanks Brady!
We’re not done yet
