Having spent a considerable portion of last season cultivating his Hollywood ties, during the offseason Dan Snyder has quietly begun production of a big budget film in hopes of diverting attention from his usual attempts at capsizing the Redskins with costly and foolhardy signings coupled with the wasting of draft picks. Some sensitive internal dialogue has surfaced from within Red Zebra Films that may shed light on how a his management style translates to moviemaking:
Red Zebra accountant: Mr. Snyder, if I may have a moment…
Dan Snyder: Yeah, sure, what is it?
Nameless Yes Man: We’re very busy.
RZ: Mr. Snyder, I must warn you that we are woefully overbudget with this project.
DS: What budget? I’m producing, marketing and distributing this movie myself.
NYM: We got final cut and shit.
RZ: That may be true, sir, but you are certainly making some unnecessary expenitures.
DS: Such as?
RZ: Sir, you paid Anna Paquin $6 million NOT to appear in the movie.
DS: I didn’t want that minx nosing around the set.
NYM: Rogue had a bad accent. Er, I mean, Rogue is bad news.
RZ: You’ve cast three different actresses for the leading role, paying each $20 million and interchanging them on different days of shooting.
DS: I’m trying some artsy shit. It worked for Luis Bunuel, right?
RZ: One of them is Elizabeth Taylor.
DS: Yeah, so? Isn’t she an acclaimed actress of immense talent? She’s won two Oscars. Good is good is always good.
RZ: She hasn’t appeared in a movie in 13 years and that was the live action Flintstones movie. She’s an incoherent, bloated husk of her former self.
DS: We can fix all this in post-production.
RZ: Another is Adam Archuleta in a weave.
DS: I had to get something out of that asshole.
RZ: Sir, you’re filming a heist flick inside Fort Knox perpetrated by the Olympic ski team, a band of horny high school friends and a serial killer.
DS: But our focus groups show…
RZ: And the movie ends with 10 minutes of stock footage of air shows.
DS: That stock footage cost me a ton. Expensive means good, right? I put stock in my footage.
RZ: ….
DS: With a dry, cool wit like that I could be an action hero.
RZ: What?
DS: Huh?
RZ: We also have the matter of this zeppelin that you also invested millions in.
DS: We have this awesome scene where it crashes into a forest.
NYM: People love ’splosions. BOOM! ‘SPLOSION!
DS: And the spreading flames kill a bunch of cheapskates walking from a free parking lot to a stadium.
RZ: And how to you propose to fit all that into the plot? The entire movie takes place inside Fort Knox.
DS: Some character can be standing by a window when the zeppelin explodes.
NYM: Totally seamless.
RZ: Fine. It’s your movie. But I would strongly advise you to do something about the title.
DS: What’s wrong with “Mexican Standoff at Tarbaby Hill”?
NYM: We already made the lunch boxes.
RZ: I think we run the risk of offending some key demos.
DS: People don’t like hills, do they? I knew I should have made it Tarbaby Flats!
RZ: Can I just get my check now?
