Nickname: Tommy Z (think about it…)

Height: 5′11″

Weight: 215

Reach: Taken by the Ravens in the third round.

Sponsor: Affliction

Ring Music: Notre Dame Victory March

Hometown: Arlington Heights, Illinois. It’s also been called home by a deaf chick, a couple of soccer players, a YouTube guy, and a dickhole (actually the deaf chick called it something more like “ho-am”).

Pedigree: He’s actually a real boxer.

Strength: He’s one of those rare white athletes that doesn’t require qualifiers like “scrappy” or “gritty”.

Weakness: Football

Predilection towards violence:

Fighting Style: Tommy would prefer to work his way inside against the larger boxers in the heavyweight division. He can land looping and lunging power shots from the outside, but if he stays on the end of his opponents punches he’s going to find himself in a lot of trouble. Since he’s a Notre Dame product he already fights like a champion today, or so he likes to think.

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Competitor: Shawne Merriman

Nickname: “Lights Out”

Height: 6′4″

Weight: 272 (est. ring weight: 260)

Reach: Lengthy

Sponsor: MET-Rx

Hometown: Upper Marlboro, MD. The DC area has produced such fighters as Sugar Ray Leonard, Winky Wright, and most recently, the Patterson brothers (Anthony fights tomorrow night on Versus).

Fighting Pedigree: Last night his uncle Henry “Sugar Poo” Buchanan knocked some chump through the ropes with an uppercut at the Playboy Mansion on ESPN. Merriman could be seen in the ring during the post-fight celebration, which was pretty stupid. That house is filled with bitches needin’ some dick. He also trains in a boxing gym in the offseason to keep himself in shape.

Strength: Knocking people unconscious.

Weakness: The boxing world, while flawed, is much less forgiving when it comes to steroid use. Although I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually need them. He was probably just trying to shrink his balls. Trust me, lugging around giant balls is like having an albatross hanging from your neck. Only they’re your balls.

Predilection towards violence: Rape?

Fighting Style: The classic action fighter, Merriman will come at his opponent with plenty of power and zero restraint. He will smother weaker opponents (see below), but he’s fully capable of fighting at a distance. He possesses a dominating jab and a devastating overhand right.

Competitor: Jeremy Shockey

Nickname: Shock Man!

Height: 6′5″

Weight:251 (est. ring weight: 248)

Reach:Tara Reid.

Sponsor: Affliction.

Hometown: Ada, Oklahoma. It was once the home of Shockey’s best friend Mark Gastineau, formerly of the New York Sack Exchange. Gastineau also pursued a “career” in boxing, and a similarly successful career in wife beating.

Pedigree: Afghan.

Strength: Taking shots to the head.

Weakness: It’s almost like he wants people to hit him.

Predilection towards violence: Lets his boys take care of approaching assholes.

Fighting Style: The first time he gets hit he’ll swarm the opponent with looping cuffed punches that glance away harmlessly. The second time he gets hit he’ll go down for 1-2 weeks. Shockey’s best punch is the accidental head butt which he often pairs with a wild elbow.

DON’T CROSS STREAMS!

As you probably know by now Javon Walker is currently laid up in a Vegas area hospital after being found beaten down shortly after sunrise yesterday. Reports claim that Javon had spent the previous few evenings/mornings spraying down various club-goers with tens of thousands of dollars worth (15 bottles) of horrifically overpriced bottles of Dom’s rosé. While the picture above appears to confirm those reports, one completely unsubstantiated rumor states that somebody in Floyd Mayweather Jr’s crew is responsible for crushing the receiver’s orbital bone.

You see, Vegas is Money May’s town, and when he’s giving his people a champagne shower you really shouldn’t try to upstage the recently retired pound-for-pound champion. According to message boards, the only source less reliable than those ne’erdowell bloggers, Walker thought he could outdo Mayweather, who reportedly went through 50 bottles of Cristal. As the story goes, somebody (or bodies) from Mayweather’s group of friends ran into Walker later that evening morning and gave him the old “keep your ugly fuckin’ goldbrickin’ ass out our desert community” speech. I can safely say that Mayweather himself was not personally responsible for any assault seeing as how he’s yet to surface at any area hospitals with a broken hand.

In completely unrelated news, my boy Andre Berto is fighting for one of Mayweather’s vacated belts this weekend. And yes, you bet your ass I’ll be boring everyone with boxing talk at Deadspin.

Note: This is precisely why you should never buy Dom, Cristal, or any of that other mass produced crap that makes you look like a baller. Learn from a Jew and buy artisinal bubbly. Oh, and tell those bitchy waitresses that if they want a corking fee, they have to earn it.

Image via the Sports Gamer Forum by way of SpyOnVegas.com