A long interview with Cam over at Sportsline. It’s whoretastic!

Before we get to making more fun of Mike Singletary, I must note that today is the official release date for the massive affront to literature pictured above. Yes folks, it’s BALLSDAY. I suggest you skip work, take the kid out of school, head down to the bookstore, and read all 280 pages of this book while destroying a Borders shitter. (“This book has been flagged!”)

I also suggest you spend the entire day hanging brain. This isn’t just a day for you, it’s a day for you AND your balls. So treat your balls. Give them a little extra jostle. Groom them. Let ‘em hang real low and give them the ol’ “taffy pull,” if you know what I mean. Tell your ladyfriend, “Hey lady, it’s BALLSDAY. Now let’s get teabaggin’!”

You know you and your balls have earned it. Because this Nobel-winning tome simply couldn’t have existed without your support. And, as a show of gratitude to KSK readers, I now present to you a special deleted section from the book that I was forced to take out at the behest of Little, Brown’s lawyers. Goddamn lawyers. Anyway, enjoy. Happy Ballsday, everyone.

The best way to pay child support is in all pennies, by Larry Bird.

We all make mistakes in life. I got married and had a kid while very young and always regretted having done so. But I’m someone who believes in learning from mistakes, and what I’ve learned is that the best way to pay child support is in all pennies.

Every month, when I had to pay the court-ordered $1,250 (hooray, no adjusting for inflation!) to my ex-wife, I had a little ritual. I would go to the bank and withdraw $1,249.99, all in pennies. I always left it one penny short, just to see if the ex actually counted. And believe me, the bitch always did. She was stubborn like that. Now, these pennies occupied a 6’ x 6’ palette that needed to be airlifted to the ex, at an additional cost to me, sometimes exceeding the cost of the child support itself!

But it was worth it to me. By paying your child support in all pennies, you’re not only making a statement to your ex-wife (“I hate you and wish you would go away.”), but that massive, 987-pound mass of pennies also serves a metaphor for the terrible weight she and her child are on your life.

When I left my ex, I did so with the intention of moving on completely. No need dwelling the past. I don’t want to be reminded of my OLD family when I’m hanging out with my newer, better one. And that’s what I think that freedom-hating judge failed to recognize. Look, it’s not the money that annoys me. Clearly, I can afford the payment. It’s the constant, monthly reminder that these people exist. You know what a burden that is? I can barely finish this ginger-glazed lobster prepared for me by my personal chef, it’s so dismaying. Even now that my first kid is over 18 and I don’t have to make the payments anymore, I’m so conditioned to make the payments that it pops up in my brain every month anyway. It’s like some insidious brainwashing program.

Isn’t that awful?

So be careful with the ladies. Make the wrong move and you’ll soon find yourself tethered to some woman you don’t even like. And not just for 18 years. But for LIFE. It’s no joke. Even you when pay in pennies.

And now the surprisingly dull and unexciting story of how Buzz Bissinger ended up blurbing Men With Balls. Iit is, of course, because the man knows Nobel prize-winning toilet literature when he sees it. And because I am a kind and generous lover. Stay tuned for double Sexy Friday posts from Ufford. Now with 35% more boob!

The first Amazon review of MEN WITH BALLS has come in, and it’s from Deadspin’s own Clay “Richard” Travis, who liked the book despite its glaring lack of SEC football content. Five stars for cronyism! Stick around for the HOUSE OF PUNTE podcast coming up later, featuring the Compound Swear Word of the Day. Hint: It’s not cuntslapper!

MEN WITH BALLS NOTE: Aside from the 11/6 Varsity Letters reading with Buzz Bissinger in NYC, I’ll also be holding a reading in the DC area on Wednesday, 11/12, at the Tyson’s Corner Borders store. And we can all go out drinking somewhere afterwards, because why the fuck not. So come get your book signed AND sit in America’s worst traffic bottleneck! Why, it’s a win-win!

MEN WITH BALLS NOTE: Many readers have emailed in to say they’ve already received copies of the book from Amazon. Some instant reviews have even popped up. The street release date remains 10/27. But you can apparently get the book right now, if you’re in that dire need of shitter reading. The Amazon page has also been updated to include blurbs of the book from Buzz Bissinger, Chris Cooley, Jay Chandrasekhar, and others. WHEE!

Click here to listen

We’re gearing up to unveil the first-ever KSK podcast, which is all but certain to give you an earth-shattering eargasm. But, as a prelude to that, I recently joined radio host, author, and extremely righteous liberal Dave Zirin on his XM radio show to make fun of Rick Reilly and to unleash my incredibly nuanced and original “black voice.” You haven’t heard Afro-centric parody this subtle since “Amos n’ Andy”! Or “Amos and Andrew,” for that matter.

We also unveil all the chapter titles for MEN WITH BALLS, each one wackier than the last! Zirin and I then act out one of the phony dialogues from the book. I wanted to do the section where I’m the athlete and he’s the baby momma, but he wasn’t down with that. Whatsa matter, Zirin? NOT PROGRESSIVE ENOUGH TO PORTRAY THE MOTHER OF MY BASTARD CHILDREN?!

Cut out from this interview was the following exchange between Zirin and I:

Zirin: Scoop Jackson has this HUGE family.

Me: Lotta typos in that family.

Scoop Jackson, it would appear, has powerful friends in the radio business. And they know how to work ProTools! I’m stunned.

My portion of the audio begins at the 8:00 mark here.

NOTE: A reader emailed to let me know Amazon informed him his copy of the book was set to arrive earlier than anticipated, on 10/16. So, if you’re one of the many imaginary people out there who want to read the book before its official 10/27 release date, you can order it at Amazon and probably have it this week. Because who likes to prolong disappointment?

Your Men With Balls contest winner is the ever-reliable Grimey, who used his fabulous secret powers to present us with this gallery of NFL stars as He-Man villains. Congrats, Grimey! You get to read something! Yay!

I’d like to thank all our readers for sending in their submissions, especially folks like Slash and Juice who put a great deal of effort into their submissions. And now, by the power of Grayskull…

In closing, gentle reader, I’d like to thank you. ‘What’s that?’ you say? Me thanking YOU? No, it’s not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much as you enjoyed reading it. The End.

We had a fantasy football contest last year. We got a shitload of entries, many of them outstanding, and in the end we picked the girl who was willing to hook up with Maj. Only a fair trade, I suppose. HUGE sacrifice on her part.

So, as the season nears, we’re gonna have another tips contest. Only this time the prize is even MORE self-aggrandizing. It’s an advance copy of Men With Balls. The book comes out on October 27th, but you’ll get to read it two months before everyone else! Think of how cool you’ll feel! It would be like some ComicCon jackass getting into a free “Watchmen” screening! ZOMG!!!11!!!111!!!

I can’t really tell you how funny I think this book is, since I’m the asshole that wrote it. All I can do is show you one of the blurbs on the back of the cover jacket.

No, that isn’t a misprint. Nor is it unauthorized. I’m pretty sure that if Buzz enjoyed the book, so will you.

All you have to do to win your advance copy is submit something awesome. I don’t care what it is. Send us an awesome tip. Make a great photoshop. Send more drunk photos of Orton. My email and the KSK staff email links are on the sidebar. You’ve got until next Thursday. Show us your balls, people.

A Random Number of Fast Facts About the Giants

-Eli Manning is such a pussy that team trainers give him a precautionary Feline AIDS test bi-weekly
-Shocking but true: Defensive back Aaron Ross has two first names
-Steve Smith isn’t that Steve Smith, he’s the other Steve Smith
-Amani Toomer is benign; dressed in rags
-Osi Umenyiora is Nigerian for, “Expires After Contract Year”
-Michael Strahan videotaped his wife’s sister getting naked but he really had his eye on her boyfriend
-Tom Coughlin refuses to deny the rumors surrounding his affiliation with the Fourth Reich
-Steve Mara once castrated a five year-old for wearing an Eagles jersey in his presence
-Wellington Mara is producing Biggie and Pac’s new duets album
-Ernie Accorsi tried to tag along with Tiki Barber at Good Morning America but the producers felt he was more “ugly” ugly than “tv” ugly.
-Brandon Jacobs and Ruben Droughns take bites of Ahmad Bradshaw when they need a snack between meals.
-Chris Snee is cheating on Tom Coughlin’s daughter with Tom Coughlin’s wife and the whole family is secretly dating Jeremy Shockey

If you are one of those contemptible “fans” of the Giants you might want to check out Roger Director’s upcoming book I Dream In Blue: Life, Death, and the New York Giants. It offers a unique look at the intersection of obsessive fanaticism, family, and career. If you have an unhealthy love of the Giants you’re bound to commiserate with Director as he follows the team throughout the tortuous and occasional tragic 2006 season. And as a Redskins fan I have a whole new book full of reasons to hate those blue-clad ass-clowns. It’s easily the second best thing Director has written; he’s also responsible “The Client’s Best Interest” which was one of the truly great episodes of Arli$$.

Robert Wuhl is a national treasure and fuck you for saying otherwise!