A REARMINDER TO ASS US SEXBAG QUESTIONS. For instance, how could someone get a best and worst ass list so horribly wrong? This week’s author, Ufford, has another lady in mind and will be glad to tell you about it. So back those questions on in this-ah way.

While we’re dishing out reminders, the “Get Christmas Ape to Burn His Steelers Stuff-slash-Win Free Copies of His Book” contest is going on through the end of July. So continue sending on funny Photoshops, videos, tips, anecdotes, stories, nude picture of attractive female friends. I’ll announce the winners the first week of August. We’ve had some decent entries thus far, but I’m confident in saying the contest is still wide open (it’s like your mom in that respect).

That there is the front and back cover of my upcoming book, “The Football Fan’s Manifesto”, a clarion call to return fandom to its debauched roots that doubles as an all-encompassing guide to being a sufficiently deranged NFL fan. Drew said HarperCollins gave me the Clive Cussler treatment, but I’d argue that they went as far as to break out the Transformers font for me. Either way, I think it looks pretty badass.

As we did with Men With Balls, we’re holding a tip contest for our readers to win copies of the book. Winning entries can be scoops, funny Photoshops, hilarious user created videos, amusing anecdotes of your experience rooting for your team or going to the game, really anything we arbitrarily deem to be worthwhile. Two runners-up will receive a free copy of the book. The winner, of course, will also win a free copy. Plus a special grand prize.

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I exhausted my capacity for whoring “Men With Balls” a while back, save for the ginormous ad to my immediate right. But there’s no way I’m not posting a video review done by some hefty chick who was forced by her boyfriend to read it. Makes the whole book writing process totally worth it. “It’s really quite disgusting.” Sure is, honey.

UPDATE: Video disabled now. CRIMINY!

DAVID M. SHRIBMAN, YOU CAN SUCK MY HAIRY BALLS. “Your athletic cup is either half full or half empty. That’s my line, and infantile as it is, it’s better than most in this book.” I’ll be the judge of your one-liners, cuntrubber. I FIND YOUR REVIEW SIGNIFICANTLY LACKING IN ADEQUATE PRAISE!

DREW FORCES HIMSELF ON THE WWL: The gayest virtual book tour of all time makes a stop with this guest column at ESPNtheMag.com. Oddly enough, the Worldwide Leader frowns on phrases like “pussy clamp” in their columns. Chances that virtually every ESPN.com commenter takes this column literally? I’d say a million percent.

Hey kids. Do you like shaky camera work? And big fat men mangling their words? And Microsoft Powerpoint? Oh, well do I ever have a treat for you. Yes, it’s the video from last week’s Varsity Letters Men With Balls reading. Featuring a surprise appearance from Nazi Shark, and bonus sexual positions for Will Leitch and Buzz Bissinger. Start at the 1:30 mark if you want to get past all the intro crap. Special thanks to Carl Bialik at Gelf magazine for putting this together. You can see vids from the rest of the night here. I suggest you have Dramamine handy if you plan on watching this in its entirety.

TOMORROW NIGHT’S MWB READING AND BOOZEKAKKE: Okay, tomorrow night at 7PM there’ll be a reading for Men With Balls at the Tysons Corner Borders store. The address is 8027 Leesburg Pike in Vienna. There’s an On the Border restaurant nearby where we can all grab some beers at afterwards. So come one, come all. Brave the nation’s worst traffic to hear a fat guy read aloud from a book! Whee!

My publisher is too cheap to pay for an actual book tour. Apparently, spending $1,000 to fly a fat man into a city and letting him expense dinner doesn’t match the revenue generated by selling three books in a suburban Barnes & Noble.

So I’ll be pimping this book the only way I know how… by making dick jokes anywhere and everywhere I can. The BDD Virtual Tour begins today with a guest column over at Florio’s Pro Football Talk. I’ll also be doing a special guest post today over at movie site Pajiba.

Tomorrow I’ll be taking over at With Leather for the entire day. Then Deadspin on Thursday. Then MJD’s Shutdown Corner at Yahoo on Halloween. Then special columns over at Every Day Should Be Saturday and at ESPN.com next week (right into the belly of the beast!). It’s just like a real book tour, only you don’t have to do anything, and I get to make dick jokes all day long. I think it’s quite an improvement. Enjoy.

A long interview with Cam over at Sportsline. It’s whoretastic!

Before we get to making more fun of Mike Singletary, I must note that today is the official release date for the massive affront to literature pictured above. Yes folks, it’s BALLSDAY. I suggest you skip work, take the kid out of school, head down to the bookstore, and read all 280 pages of this book while destroying a Borders shitter. (“This book has been flagged!”)

I also suggest you spend the entire day hanging brain. This isn’t just a day for you, it’s a day for you AND your balls. So treat your balls. Give them a little extra jostle. Groom them. Let ‘em hang real low and give them the ol’ “taffy pull,” if you know what I mean. Tell your ladyfriend, “Hey lady, it’s BALLSDAY. Now let’s get teabaggin’!”

You know you and your balls have earned it. Because this Nobel-winning tome simply couldn’t have existed without your support. And, as a show of gratitude to KSK readers, I now present to you a special deleted section from the book that I was forced to take out at the behest of Little, Brown’s lawyers. Goddamn lawyers. Anyway, enjoy. Happy Ballsday, everyone.

The best way to pay child support is in all pennies, by Larry Bird.

We all make mistakes in life. I got married and had a kid while very young and always regretted having done so. But I’m someone who believes in learning from mistakes, and what I’ve learned is that the best way to pay child support is in all pennies.

Every month, when I had to pay the court-ordered $1,250 (hooray, no adjusting for inflation!) to my ex-wife, I had a little ritual. I would go to the bank and withdraw $1,249.99, all in pennies. I always left it one penny short, just to see if the ex actually counted. And believe me, the bitch always did. She was stubborn like that. Now, these pennies occupied a 6’ x 6’ palette that needed to be airlifted to the ex, at an additional cost to me, sometimes exceeding the cost of the child support itself!

But it was worth it to me. By paying your child support in all pennies, you’re not only making a statement to your ex-wife (“I hate you and wish you would go away.”), but that massive, 987-pound mass of pennies also serves a metaphor for the terrible weight she and her child are on your life.

When I left my ex, I did so with the intention of moving on completely. No need dwelling the past. I don’t want to be reminded of my OLD family when I’m hanging out with my newer, better one. And that’s what I think that freedom-hating judge failed to recognize. Look, it’s not the money that annoys me. Clearly, I can afford the payment. It’s the constant, monthly reminder that these people exist. You know what a burden that is? I can barely finish this ginger-glazed lobster prepared for me by my personal chef, it’s so dismaying. Even now that my first kid is over 18 and I don’t have to make the payments anymore, I’m so conditioned to make the payments that it pops up in my brain every month anyway. It’s like some insidious brainwashing program.

Isn’t that awful?

So be careful with the ladies. Make the wrong move and you’ll soon find yourself tethered to some woman you don’t even like. And not just for 18 years. But for LIFE. It’s no joke. Even you when pay in pennies.