Name: Julio Jones
Much cooler real name: Quintorris Lopez Jones

School: ROLL TAHDE!

Age: 22

Height: 6’3″
Weight: 220

Combine: 4.39 in the 40 and 11’3″ in the broad jump. Oh, and he did that with a broken foot, which should give you an idea of how great he is when healthy. Note: He’s never healthy.

Mainstream comparison: Equal parts Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Irvin, with a dash of cinnamon for flavor.
KSK comparison: Andre Johnson with an expired warranty.

Who wants him: Whoever misses out on A.J. Green.
Who will take him: Washington

Physical freak? Apparently

So he’s a physical freak, but is he a mutant? “He grew so fast he remembers that it made his knees hurt, going from about 5-9 to 6-3 in a few months.” MUUUUUUUUUUUUTANT!

What he thinks “Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard” is about: Some gay shit, probably.

Controversy: He and teammate Mark Ingram once went on a fishing trip that was paid for by a third party. Seems benign, but remember, “fishing trip” is SEC speak for “hooker orgy.”

Immediate impact: A starter from day one.
Down the road: A weekly fixture on his team’s injury report.

The life of a bonus baby quarterback does not suck. Well, at least until he arrives in Detroit. I guess it’s all downhill from there. In the meantime Stafford looks like he knows how to have a good time. Of course it’s easy to have a good time when you’re riding around on a boat with that blond in the middle. God damn. That poor girl to her right even looks like she’s checking herself out to see how poorly she stacks up to the competition. Hopefully she isn’t being too hard on herself. Continue after the jump for some bonus sexiness courtesy of everyone’s favorite Tumblr (NSFWish).

Ext. Golf Course

Michael: Nice drive, kid.

Tony: Thank you very much, Mr. Jordan.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: Oh no.

Michael: You gonna get that?

Tony: I really don’t want to.

[cellphone rings]

Michael: Could be important.

Tony: I doubt it.

[cellphone rings]

Michael: Answer the fucking phone before I toss it in the lake.

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: Hey baby, where are you?

Tony: Oh, hey Jess. I’m out…running errands.

Jess: Oh good, I need you to buy me some medicine.

Tony: What’s wrong?

Jess: I’m sick.

Tony: Yeah, I assumed as much. What specifically is wrong?

Jess: I keep puking.

Tony: How long has that been going on?

Jess: Every morning for the last [vomits] few days.

Tony: Okay, do you have any other symptoms.

Jess: Not really, but I have been gaining some weight, and my boobs feel all big and swollen.

Tony: …

Jess: You there?

Tony: Yeah.

Jess: What’s wrong?

Tony: Uh Jess, have you been keeping up on your birth control?

Jess: On what?

Tony: Your birth control, Jess. Aren’t you on the pill?

Jess: Oh I don’t believe in that stuff, why?

Tony: What the fuck do you mean you don’t believe in it? Don’t you know you can get pregnant without taking the pill?

Jess: Don’t be silly Tony, I can’t be pregnant.

Tony: Why not?

Jess: Because I’m not married, silly.

Tony: What’s that supposed to mean.

Jess: Well daddy always told me that a good Christian girl like me can’t get pregnant unless she’s married. It’s science.

Tony: Oh Jesus Christ!

Jess: Amen!

Tony: No Jess, this is bad. You misunderstood what your dad told you, and now I think you may be pregnant.

Jess: Amen?

Tony: No. No amen.

Jess: Hang on, I’m going ton conference daddy in on the call.

Joe: GO FOR PAPA JOE!

Jess: Daddy, Tony thinks I’m preggers!

Joe: Is this true, son?

Tony: Well considering that your daughter’s idea of birth control revolves around church attendance I’d say it’s a distinct possibility.

Joe: WOOOOOOOOO DOGGIE!

Tony: What are you so excited about.

Joe: Are you kidding son, my baby ain’t fat, she’s just pregnant!

Tony: And this is a good thing?

Joe: Hell, boy, don’t you have any idea how much People is gonna pay to see them baby pictures?

Jessica: [vomits]

Tony: [covering the moutpiece] Mr. Jordan, does your offer still stand?

Michael: Of course.

[Tony hands Michael the phone]

Michael: Over the birch tree, off the starter’s booth, over the putting green, and in the lake. [Throws phone]

Tony: [smiling] Nothin’ but net.

Michael: That’s my line, asshole.