Hello my children. You know, the more that I think about it the more I like the idea of Festivus supplanting Christmas as the official holiday of the winter solstice. Sure, practitioners of this holiday don’t glorify me through song and prayer, but overall it has a lot more going for it than a tree and a fatass with some reindeer. While Frank Costanza’s holiday of choice isn’t steeped in history and tradition like Christmas, but it was the brainchild of a guy who spawned a Seinfeld writer. I’ll take that over some old Roman guys who decided to celebrate my son’s birth in the middle of fucking winter to appease the damn pagans.

That is why I am in favor of erecting Festivus kiosks in cities across America.

In the spirit of the holiday, I’m going to air a few of my grievances before we get to Sunday’s games.

1. Hey NFL, flexing the schedule is fucking bullshit and it’s doing more harm than good. What’s the matter, you couldn’t look into the future to see which matchups would be more compelling than others? Now I don’t expect you to have the kind of foresight that I enjoy, but it didn’t take Me to tell you that giving the Browns five nationally televised games was a colossally fucked up idea.

2. Hey Vinny Cerrato, stop making up fake stats for your joke of a fucking radio show in an attempt to make your personnel decisions look less retarded by comparison. And while we’re at it…Hey Larry Michael, quit being such a pathetic shill for Vinny. He can guarantee your employment, but I still control your everlasting soul.

3. Hey Pro Bowl, you are an affront to football as we know it. Hell, you’re an affront to Me. Go away and die in peace before I turn Hawaii into the world’s biggest magmakakke.

On to the explanations…

-While the Vikings of Minnesota were victorious I felt compelled to break the shoulder of defensive tackle Pat Williams. You see Drew was flying a bit too close to the sun after the judge put the kibosh on the NFL’s suspension plans, so I had to melt those wings a bit. I’m okay with the Vikings winning, I just want to see them struggle a bit. It’s like watching a kid masturbate for the first time, which is something I do quite often if you must know.

-The Jets of New York picked up an improbable win, but that was not a part of My divine plan. No, the NFL put the fix in on that one so it was out of my hands. What, you thought JP Losman was that terrible? Okay, he kind of is, but that’s beside the point.

-The Texans of Houston managed to upset the Titans of Tennessee because Unsilent Majority really needs to shut up about the latter’s record against the spread (UM: Duly noted).

Thanks, God!

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 14 in the NFL happen as they did.

Hello my children. I trust that you enjoyed the bounty of football goodness I provided for this, the 14th week of the NFL season. As the regular season winds down we turn our attention to the holiday season. For Me the holidays are a lonely time when all the love and worship is doled out to Jesus and his ex-boyfriend, Santa. And what do I get? Not a single Me damned thing, that’s what. This is why I’ve always been such a strong proponent of the Secret Santa method of giftology. You see, everyone gets together and picks a name out of a hat, and the name you draw will be the recipient of a special gift. This way everyone gets a piece of the sweet holiday action, and anybody who receives a particularly awesome present is compelled to reciprocate with sexual gratification. Keeping that in mind, let’s get down to some explanations.

-The 49ers of San Francisco defeated the misguided Jets of New York because one special young lady prayed to me on behalf of her Secret Santa recipient.

This tiny little man is Dexter, who in addition to serving as the obnoxiously loud yeller coxswain for Harvard’s Lightweight Crew team, is a huge homer for his San Francisco 49ers. Dexter’s Secret Santa was so earnest in her (or his!) request that I had little choice but to alter the trajectory of Brad Smith’s lateral to send it into his own endzone. Had it not been for that timely gust of wind Leon Washington would have taken the kick back for a touchdown, but such is the power of Secret Santa. Now Dexter it is your duty to reciprocate with mouth love when your mysterious benefactor makes himself (or herself!) known.

Oh, and you should probably kick some money over to Fisher House as well. I mean come on, you’re on the fucking Harvard crew team for fuck’s sake, you kind of owe the rest of the world a little something. Speaking of which, is Hector Elizondo still coaching crew up there? I always liked that guy.

-The Patriots of New England were allowed to come from behind to win against the Seahawks of Seattle because I’m setting up their entitled fans for the greatest downfall imaginable. You see, taking away Tom Brady, Tedy Bruschi, and all of their running backs has done nothing to curtail their hubris. This is why I will continue to allow their success, right up until the playoffs. Then, when all of the Massholes have reached the apex of assholery I will strike down Bill Belichick with a lightning bolt at the exact moment that the Patriots are eliminated.

-The Vikings of Minnesota overcame a spirited effort from the Lions of Detroit because I just love riling up the citizenry of Detroit. Oh what, you don’t like your offensive linemen? Well then why don’t you show them by setting random cars on fire? It’s what your parents and grandparents would have done!

-The Texans of Houston defeated the Packers of Green Bay because I have Matt Schaub on my fantasy team and I really needed to make the playoffs. We have a loose “no tampering” rule in our all-deity fantasy league, but that didn’t stop Yahweh when I played against He and Sage Rosenfels during Week 9. No way a that JewB throws two touchdowns on the Vikings defense without some help from above.

-The Saints of New Orleans were victorious against the Falcons of Atlanta because I had just watched this documentary and I was feeling pretty bad for turning their city into the country’s largest (and fourth dirtiest) wave pool.

-I didn’t give an explanation for the particular game you’d hoped because I secretly hate you and wish you’d never been born into my kingdom.

Oh, and in case anyone out there drew My name, I’ve had my eye on this hood thong for a while now…

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up My bathroom floor.

Thanks, God! And thanks to ShareBro Alex for the hood thong inspiration.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Update: Okay okay, you coughed up some cash, so here’s your token girl with gun pic of the day. Enjoy.

Hello my children. I trust that all of you are all preparing to celebrate the miraculous birth of my divine progeny in a tasteful and understated manner.

Oh come the fuck on! What is wrong with you people? You’re starting to make me think that the atheists are actually smarter than the believers. You people are getting on my last damn nerve, and no, I cannot protect you from terrorists. Terrorism is a machination of man, and it is up to man to stop the terrorists. I’m pretty much useless on this front, so don’t expect me to be watching your back while you’re preaching the good word. Let’s just move on to the explanations of Week 13′s games.

-The Buzzsaw that is the Cardinals of Arizona were destroyed by the once floundering Eagles of Philadelphia because I was recently reminded that Will Leitch stopped going to church. Let this be a lesson to you, Mr. Leitch. Just because some Sunday school kids made fun of you for reciting My Prayer in less than 1.5 seconds. Of course you’re welcome back in My house any time you wish, but please make an effort to pray in unison with the rest of the congregation.

-The Lions of Detroit suffered the most brutal of their many defeats this season at the hands of the Titans of Tennessee because I want the Lions and the NFL to be thoroughly embarrassed. You see, I too enjoy the Thanksgiving Day football games and I hate the Lions more than anyone. I mean, have you heard what they used to do to the believers in the old days? I knew I’d regret giving them all of those sharp teeth. But getting back to the point, the Lions of Detroit suck and if they ruin another final Thursday in November I’ll be smiting left and right.

-The 49ers of San Francisco were able to scrape by the Bills of Buffalo by a score of 10-3 because I wanted to make sure that Chris Berman had as little as possible to work with should he have chosen to include this debacle in his obnoxious highlight package.

-The Redskins of Washington suffered an unfortunate defeat at the hands of the Giants of New York, although it wasn’t always supposed to go down like that. Then I tuned in to watch the Sean Taylor tribute, only to see it emceed by George Michael. GEORGE FUCKING MICHAEL! That wrinkled old cock isn’t fit to emcee a game of bingo, let alone to honor a beloved member of a community on the 1 year anniversary of his murder. That is without question more insulting to the deceased than playing Big Things Poppin’ on the PA system. I had no choice but to hand the game to those undeserving Giants.

That’s it, I’m out.

Thanks, God!

Hello, my children. A lot of My most fervent worshipers love to argue against the obvious benefits of stem cell research by asserting that man shouldn’t attempt to play God. Let me tell you, that is some straight bullshit. I put you people on Earth to see what kind of crazy shit you could pull off, so I damn well expect you to aspire to My divine level. So if you need a new windpipe, just make one from scratch! You mortals have been sleeping on this ability for far to long, and it’s time to pick up the pace. Remember, I don’t just miraculously heal people. That’s a job for the Christian Scientist’s god, and to be honest, I’m pretty sure he’s imaginary.

So you Me fearing cockblockers need to ease up on your anti-stem cell stance so that the intelligent people can figure out how do repair knee cartilage a little bit faster. I, and my infallible fantasy team, are counting on you. But don’t do it for me, do it for every running back whose career nosedives at 32. Remember Priest Holmes? Wouldn’t it be cool if he were still awesome? Well I’m holding on to him in My keeper league just in case you people wise up and use what I gave you to make him like new again.

Continue after My blessed jump for an explanation of last week’s more curious outcomes.

-The Bears of Chicago were trounced the Meat Packers of Green Bay because they had the audacity to reinsert the neck-bearded one into the lineup. Hey Lovie Smith, DO NOT FUCK with forces that you do not understand. Forces like Me and the sex-cannoned one. Otherwise you will suffer similar fates until the day you are fired.

-I have no excuse for allowing the Falcons of Atlanta to fall to the Broncos of Denver. I fell asleep for five minutes and before I knew it the game was over. My fault.

-The Dolphins of Miami beat the Raiders of Oakland by a scant two-point margin because I’m trying to kill the one known as Al Davis…again. Next time I’ll send Samael to finish the job with a wooden stake.

-The Browns of Cleveland were triumphant over the Bills of Buffalo because…well…somebody had to win. So yeah, I flipped a coin. Got a problem with that? Well too bad, because I’m calling the shots here. Got a problem with it? Start praying to Vishnu and go watch cricket.

-The Steelers of Pittsburgh edged out the Chargers of San Diego because I really wanted the Chargers to cover without giving Marmalard the satisfaction of victory. My only regret is giving that satisfaction to that annoying YouTube harpy. Good Me, in the old days I would have smote that ass into oblivion. Seriously, what kind of bookie keeps the money on a tie? Die in a fire started by your neglected child.

-The Titans of Tennessee were once again victorious, this time against the Jaguars of Jacksonville, because I feel ultimately responsible for Boston fans and I’m taking it upon myself to bring them down a peg by guiding another team to perfection. You see, I made the Boston fans, like all the rest of you, in my image. Unfortunately the Boston fans were made in the image of my anus. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that as well as my decision to make it up to them by bestowing upon them such bountiful franchises.

Hello my children. Before I get to explaining the outcomes of this past Sabbath I’d like to address the actions of some of the more retarded worshipers out there on behalf of my favorite prophet. Listen up folks, and listen good, because Moses is up here and he’s smashing everything that isn’t bolted down. You stupid confused assholes need to stop worshiping a false idol. Honestly, I thought we’d been over this before, but now you’re back at it, worshiping a giant golden cow. I mean, are you serious? Don’t you remember what happened the last time you pulled that shit? So cut the crap and stick to worshiping Me, not your precious gold.

Please continue after My holiest of jumps for an explanation of the games that were, along with a quick refresher course on the Ten Commandments.

I. I am Adonai Your God- But in my absence the role can be filled by Adrian Peterson. Purple Jesus can do it all when I deem it necessary, however the Vikings of Minnesota must remember that I help those who help themselves. Gus Frerotte hasn’t exactly been helping himself lately, and frankly I’m getting a little tired of helping his ass. Keep throwing interceptions and next time you can beat Green Bay your own damned self.

II. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me- This one’s a biggie, but in the case of Kurt Warner I’ll make an exception.

Uh…yeah, Kurt? People are starting to talk, so maybe you should just quit fawning over me on national television for a while. Maybe you could thank another deity for the time being, because really, we’re all pretty much the same.

III. You shall not take the Name of Adonai thy God in vain- In case you’ve ever wondered why the Lions have been such a putrid franchise for so long, wonder no more. It’s because William Clay Ford once said something really naughty about me back in the 60′s. So let that be a lesson to the rest of you, and never ever tell me to shove the Five Books of Moses up my ass.

IV. Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy- This one goes out with emphasis to the Raiders of Oakland as well as the Panthers of Carolina. You two might as well have just ripped off your pants and taken a giant steaming dump on the holiest of days. If you’re going to play like that please save it for Thursday Night Football. At least then I can watch The Office. I’m a total Stanley.

V. Honor your father and mother- Listen Chris Snee, I know Tom Coughlin isn’t your real dad, but he is your father in law, so if he says “IF YOU GIVE UP A FUCKING SACK I’LL SLICE YOU OPEN AND SHIT ON YOUR INTESTINES” you should probably try to pick up that blitzer before he gets a finger on little Elisha.

VI. You shall not murder- And yes, this includes manslaughter, which is Jets were running by Leonard Little all day long. The only reason he managed to make that one tackle is because I was distracted at the time by a girl changing clothes with the blinds open in San Diego.

VII. You shall not commit adultery- Come to think of it, I’m just fine with a don’t ask don’t tell policy when it comes to adultery within the NFL. Keep it off the sidelines and I’ll pretend not to see any of Bill Belichick’s off-field dalliances.

VIII. You shall not steal- I’m looking at you, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Kansas City, Seattle, and Pittsburgh. If you guys thought you could play like crap and steal late victories you were dead wrong. Not on my watch, assholes.

IX. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor- This can also be interpreted as “You shall not commit false witness against the Bears.” This is precisely what Kerry Collins was guilty of on Sunday. I know the real Kerry Collins, and that, my children, was not the real Kerry Collins. I calleth shenanigans!

X. You shall not covet- Actually that one is kind of outdated. The Giants of New York should feel free to covet the cheerleading squads of their rivals in Washington, Philadelphia, and Dallas. I mean hell, I thought I was archaic, but nothing compares to an NFL team without quality ass patrolling the sidelines. Covet away guys, I make them that way for a reason.

See? That’s all there is to it! You don’t have to hate gays or picket outside of abortion clinics, just follow those simple rules and you too can join Me in paradise. You should see the size of our nacho platters. It’s enough to keep anyone on the straight and narrow.

Thanks God!

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 8 in the NFL happen as they did.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I regret to inform you that God could not be with us this week. Actually that’s not correct. Of course He could be with us, I mean, He is God after all. I guess it would be more accurate to say God had better shit to do this week. Mostly he’s just been masturbating. Yep, that’s right, God masturbates. He masturbates just like you do, only he’s way better at it than you could ever imagine. You know how God’s voice makes your head explode? Well if you saw God stroking it your balls would melt and run down your leg forming a puddle at your feet. But I digress.

Joining us in His stead this week is none other than His Son of Sons, Jesus “Hominum Salvator” Christ!

Hello my children. It is I, Jesus of Nazareth here to explain the mysteries of the eighth week of this NFL season, and lo, what a week it was.

-While I, like my father, am supposed to love all my children, I, like everyone else, finds it nearly impossible to love the Patriots. I once asked Bill Belichick, “What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?” He responded by pulling out a copy of his contract. Apparently by finishing last season with a perfect 16-0 record he hit a contract escalator that includes the use of three virginal souls to do with as he pleases. They got back to their winning ways this week, because sometimes evil wins a round over good. Especially when good’s best player is held out with a tender groin.

-The lowly Bengals of Cincinnati were throttled by the Texans of Houston because they must be punished for hiding the true light. You see, I’m no Bengal fan, and I too grow tired of Chad Johnson’s constant yapping, but when he’s playing well he’s more entertaining than Mary Magdalene after a jug of wine. You had a great thing going there Marvin Lewis, but you had to go and shit all over it, didn’t you? Remember, no one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. So let that be a message to you, and let Ocho Cinco shine through the art of dance.

-Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Oh, except for you Detroit. You’re a fucking abomination and I will see to it that all doors are slammed in your worthless fat face. You know my dad was drunk when He made you. Also, you were adopted. Sorry, but it’s true.

-The Buccaneers of Tampa Bay were unable to overcome the Cowboys of Dallas because I felt they deserved such a punishment. It is written again, thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. Especially not with such hot pieces of ass. Dad’s been spilling enough of his seed without your temptresses of evil urging him forth. Besides, I’m already dating the blonde with the kickin’ body, and I don’t need Dad ogling my woman.

Thanks, Jesus!

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 6 in the NFL happen as they did.

-Many of you are undoubtedly wondering why so many of Sunday’s games were decided in the final 10 seconds of play. Well frankly not enough obese men have been suffering massive heart attacks and strokes as of late. The numbers needed a little padding, so I figured, why not kill the fatties with some excitement? You mortals can trust that I feel the pain of the loved ones they have left behind, especially the ones in Chicago. I may be all-knowing, but I hadn’t expected Atlanta’s ridiculous comeback to wipe out a third of Chicago’s adult male population. To be fair, Lovie Smith should shoulder some of that blame with me. Oh and the Cubs. Yeah, it’s totally their fault! I’d send Kosuke Fukudome to an eternity of damnation, but Japanese Hell is not my domain. Nope, way too much tentacle rape for my comfort level, so I just let them do their own thing.

-Not only did keep the Cowboys of Dallas from beating the Buzzsaw of Arizona, I also broke Tony Romo’s pinky finger. Call Me overly harsh if you must, but I expect a little extra prayer from that guy. You know, if the Sodomites found some more time for earnest worship I would have let a lot of that stuff go, and such is the case for Romo. My favored son has had every advantage over the past few years, and all the while he’s been living a life envied by all. But instead of thanking Me at every occasion, he spends all of his time on the phone with that blond temptress and fumbling in the endzone. Besides, his name ends in a vowel, so I naturally expect a bit more churchgoing.

-I, in my infinite foresight, told you that the Chargers-Pats game would be tits on ice. I didn’t even feel the need to keep things close, because as we all know, everybody is just tuning in to watch New England get curb-stomped. Me damn, I hate those douchebags. I mean, I created all of you equally, and I’m supposed to love all my children, but they totally cheated. And Bill Belichick once molested a ferret. I saw that shit, for I am everywhere.

-Shaun Alexander has indeed signed with the Redskins of Washington. As a punter. For some reason he thinks I not only healed his foot, but also gave it super Christian kicking powers. Silly Shaun, I only bestowed that gift upon Jason Elam. For he is My Kicker, and you are my lamb.

Before the advent of the sport, bands of pagans amused themselves by catching fatal diseases, trying soccer and getting bored or playing Scrabulous on Facebook. People were getting restless with this “Son of God” business, saying that if he really was something special, he’d find a way to win in the playoffs after finishing the regular season with 13 wins every fucking year.

In his 20th year, joined by his 12 Apostles, Joe Gibbs, Jon Kitna, Tony Dungy, Mark Brunell, Kurt Warner, Deion Sanders, Adrian Peterson, Mike Singletary, Jason Elam, Tom Landry, Reggie White and Mike Huckabee, Christ did create the continent of North America so that the 13 of them could convene at a field house in Canton, Ohio.

“Behold, my brothers,” Jesus did say. “I give you football.”

He held aloft the oddly shaped object fashioned of cowhide leather but referred to as a pigskin. The Apostles wept as they regarded it. Tom Landry didn’t take off his hat, though, because he was a disrespectful asswipe.

“With this ball, shall ye line up 11 on 11 and attempt to take the ball to the opponent’s end of the Earth.”

The Earth back then was only 100 yards long.

“All that I ask of you is that you thank me for each win and each touchdown and not fault me for losses, fumbles or drive killing phantom holding calls.”

The Apostles agreed to do so.

“However, Man is not yet ready to accept this divine gift. Therefore I will create a race of lesser men to keep the grass of this continent in good shape – well, except Pittsburgh – until a football playing race of men is able to slaughter them and establish a multi-billion dollar league dedicated to bringing it to the masses at exorbitant prices. The Washington franchise will be given a name insulting to this breed of lesser man.”

“One more thing: you should slap each other’s asses while you play it,” Jesus said.

“Really? Slap each other’s asses? What are you, Jesus, gay?” asked Jon Kitna.

“Actually, yes. Yes, I am,” replied Jesus as he tongue kissed Esera Tuaolo.