Before I get to this week’s hot batch of sexy mailjaculate, a very quick offseason KSK preview for you all. If you were new to the site this season, you might think KSK goes dark during the NFL offseason. Not so. As we say every year, while football season may over, DICK JOKE SEASON IS ALL YEAR ROUND. And I dare say we’ve never been better set up to handle the seven-month boreathon now set out in front of us. This offseason, you can look forward to:

-Weekly football/sex mailbags
-Weekly Peter King breakdowns
-Sexy Friday
-The return of KSK mock drafts
-More Ocho and Marvin
-More Wade & Jerry
-More Marmalard
-More FACK YOU!
-The return of KSK Off Topic. Have your towels ready.
-The return of KILL KILL KILL animal death porn videos
-And much, much more

So settle in, people. We’ve only just gotten started. Now, onto your questions…

Hey guys,

Jane_Hoya

MAJ SAYS: Dating a woman who loves sports can be a great thing, but playing golf with your significant other is pretty much the worst idea ever. Do you know why Woody Austin bashed his putter into his skull? Well it’s because his wife wouldn’t listen to a fucking thing he said.

DREW SAYS: I don’t think liking sports makes you any less appealing to men. I think the important thing is not to make sports one of the mandatory things you MUST enjoy together as a couple. That’s where GQ has it right. Girlfriends and wives are very big on sharing. They want to go to the movies with you. They want to go on weekend getaways with you. They want to hide in your desk at work and spy on you.

The biggest thing a woman wants from any man is his time. Sports are often an asylum for any guy to have a chance for straight guy time. So if you like sports, and he does too, you should still let him go to a friend’s house alone to watch games if he wants. Give him that option. Do that, and suddenly your love of sports is quite the asset.

KSK,
Football: No thinking about it, should Bawlmer take a cornerback or a receiver with their pick? Let’s get some proper reaction.

- A

Football: I’d say corner over receiver. First round receivers are often wasted picks. And who knows what very large knife wounds the Ravens’ D will have to fill after free agency.

Sex: You just being a pussy about this. So she has Daddy issues. Big fucking deal. The worst case scenario is that she is an absolute BEAST in the sack and a raving lunatic out of it. That’s still probably a far more interesting time than what you’ve got going on now.

Gentlemen,

Always a mediocre fan,
W

Football: As far as I’m concerned, the Vikings will never win a Super Bowl with Childress as head coach or T-Jack as the QB. I think T-Jack will certainly have competition in camp (perhaps from Booty and a veteran). But that still leaves Childress in charge. I doubt the team makes a move on him before the end of next year. But by then, I’m certain the Wilfs will be ready to cut bait with the state and announce plans to move the team in 2011. Join me, won’t you, as I cut my own heart out.

Sex: Do you have to make a choice now? Why not hold out as long as you can and see if it naturally shakes out? Otherwise, I’d suggest asking yourself which girl, regardless of looks, you enjoy spending more of your time with. If #2 is very hot but not terribly interesting, it may not be worth your while when you seem to genuinely enjoy #1’s company (are you sure she isn’t Jack Kogod?). Especially if you’ve already hooked it with #2 and have her ready to go in your spank bank.

In general, I advise against dating really younger women. If you’re sitting there trying to have a real adult conversation and she just wants to watch “13 Going On 30” for the 5th time, that’s gonna start to grate after a while.

Dear Homos;
My wife has offered me Anal Sex for Valentines Day, but the catch is I must take her to an estate sale the next day. Am I better off a) spending the money at the sale, or b) tell her no thanks, not go to the sale, and spend the money on a hooker for Anal Sex?
Also, should the Steelers look for some quality free agent linemen, or should they try to build a line for the future via the draft?

-Miles

Take the wifey anal and suck it up. It’s well worth the cheap thrill if even if itm eans having to sift through some corpse’s old garbage.

The Steelers have always built through the draft. No reason to stop now. It seems to work quite well.

KSK,

Has Jerry Jones entered the “Al Davis zone” of complete insanity?

Bill Simmons’ lawyer mandates you call it the “Tyson Zone”.

He’s getting up there and years and has certainly done his fair share of partying that would take a few years off his senility. I feel like he was on some heavy medication during the Parcells years and now he has gone off them and become… well, you know what he is.

I don’t think he’s senile. I think he’s just a crazy asshole. Let’s get to your sexy question:

Also, I started dating this girl a couple months ago and let me tell you, she is WAY out of my league. She also told me she was a virgin, which got me excited because I was still looking to pop my first cherry. So anyway, it only took a few weeks to get her to give it up, and I have now laminated her V card and given it a permanent place in my wallet. So anyway, even though she’s in her early 20s, she is still very conservative in bed. She likes being on top, but can’t really handle it when I roll over and get on top of her. I have been trying very hard to get her to transition into some doggy as well, but she always rebuffs my attempts with the classic “I want to face you…” How do I unleash her? I need me some doggy style, she has an amazing ass and I NEED to drill her from behind Jerry Jones style. Please help, I cannot waste this opportunity to get some top caliber sex with a girl way hotter than me.

-Snoop NoDoggystyle

The key is patience. The more you do it, the more she’ll grow interested in mixing things up. Get ready for some smoking hot reverse cowgirl action in 2039, my friend!

KSK,

-SM

I say a wild card. Otherwise, you could attain the slam simply by nailing Tiger Woods’ kid.

And yes, the Cowboys can thrive with Romo at QB. But not with Wade at coach.

To those who can only drop knowledge, but unfortunately not pants,

I’ll make it simple. No girl has ever made me ejaculate via oral sex. Is it me? How can I change that? They are eager, but their jaws fail before anything worthwhile occurs.

Have you tried asking a guy to do it instead? HEY-O!!!

Fantasy: Each year I try to pick an all-Dallas Cowboys team for fun and some bench warmer scrubs for the bye-week. Last year, this did not work out since all the Cowboys players left within the first 2 or 3 rounds. Will I have better luck this year? *Note* I made it to third place last year with my all-Cowboys squad.

Cheers,
Mr. Endurance

Third place isn’t winning your league now, is it? If you’re gonna do a homer fantasy squad for fun, join an extra league and have an objective team if you really want to win.

As for the blowjob question, it could be that oral just doesn’t do it for you. I don’t think that’s a crime. Better to have your lady conserve her energy for stuff you like than to make her feel like she just tried to eat a fire hydrant.

KSK Goons,

Clearly the Cowboys are in a more compromising position than Paris Hilton sucking on that guy’s dick holding the camera. Is there any hope of coming out of this draft with anything of value, or did Roy Williams end Dallas’ 2009 draft hopes?

There’s always a chance a late round pick will have a surprise impact. But face it. The only way the Cowboys will improve is if the assholes currently populating their roster manage to get their shit together. That won’t happen under Wade Phillips. I have no clue why Jerry Jones is wasting an entire season trying to make it work.

Also, the other day I had a threesome with one hot piece of ass, and one…er…not piece of ass. I naturally spent most of my efforts with the hot (whom I’d had some solo encounters with, but never sex). The not (whom I know better, but never bedded) noticed and called me out on it the next day. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I told her it must have been her imagination and that I liked them both equally. She now wants to hook up sans our hot friend (she also seems to assume more threesomes in the future). How do I tell her I’d rather motor boat T.O.’s abs in his driveway than have more sex with her?

-Displaced Cowboys fan

I think you should just probably come clean. Or never talk to her again. Actually, never talk to her again. That’s the kind and noble thing to do.

Morning Gentlemen,

I hope I’m not to late to get this up in the mailbag. The sex question I have relates to timing as well. I’ve recently begun taking an anti-anxiety medication that has made it possible to actually get my sorry ass off the couch at parties and talk to girls, which has led to the desired result, that of a long-term hookup situation with a delightful young lady for the past several weeks. The only problem is that a side effect of the anti-anxiety pills is delayed orgasm. I know that this is far better than the alternative, but still, having to commit to a solid 45 minutes of fucking every time is sometimes trying, and I’m beginning to suspect the ladyfriend might occasionally be interested in things being a bit shorter. Without looking this gift horse in the mouth too much, should I explain to her the medication situation, or since this is highly casual, just start pumping away like a banshee instead to speed things along?

I’d just explain the problem to her. You seem to like her, even if it is casual. And I think she’ll probably appreciate the sharing. And if she blanches, well shit, you’re already on Zoloft and have been robbed of all emotional capacity. Her leaving won’t bother you a lick.

Football: My own fantasy draft situation is hopeless no matter what, so I’ll ask about the Lions instead! Anything that we do in the draft this year terrifies me. Trading down, picking a QB, building up the line, all the things that normally happen with a number one pick all seem doomed to failure, as the stench from the scat job that Millen pulled still lingers around Ford Field. Is there any reason to believe in, or any possible draft outcome that could result in, the possibility of winning a game next year?

Cheers,
Larry

You will win at least one game next year. I guarantee it. I think with Scwartz on board, you have reason to be optimistic for the next couple years. And even if he fails, it won’t matter. You live in Detroit, so chances are two years from now you’ll be living in a hovel next to an abandoned railroad track. Watching football will be the least of your concerns.

Howdy Gay Mafia,

I have a dilemma on my hands. In my jiu-jitsu class I am, without fail, always paired with a woman when it comes to sparring (I’m the smallest guy at 150 lbs.) and this is a problem. I’m not saying that they can’t keep up, in fact they sub me quite often. However, at some point one of them will always rub her ass against my crotch in some way that gets me to pop a huge boner. Now I ‘ve tried jerkin it at varying time periods before the class (1 hour, 2 hours, 3hours, etc.) but it never stops little me from saying hi in a big way. So my question is this: what can I do to keep the little guy down next time?

Nothing. That’s biology. Use it to your advantage and sneak in the occasional boner eye gouge to get your opponent down. She’ll know your horny, but that you mean BUSINESS. Fighting legend Pat Miletich was famed in Iowa for his aggressive dry hump maneuvers.

Football: I live in Richmond Virginia (Drew’s favorite city in America am I right?) and at the sports bar last weekend a horde of bandwagon steelers fans were being generally annoying in a typical bandwagon fashion. Is there a general line (mason-dixon like) where it’s okay to murder these assholes?

Sincerely,
First-National-Dank

My friend, it’s only gonna get worse. Haven’t you heard? The Steelers are the new Patriots.