PRAISE JESUS AND PASS THE TRANS FATS! I thought we were going to have to go an entire season without precious Pey-Pey anguish. Lucky for us, he’s taking the futile “make Curtis Painter less awful” assignment seriously. The poor fool.

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Peyton Manning has thrown 11 interceptions in his past three games. That streak of hilarious ineptitude also includes him throwing four in each of his last two games. Should Pey-Pey toss four again tonight, that would make for 12 picks in 12 days. What a daily holiday season confection that would be!

Let’s not spend all our time bagging on Pey-Pey, however. Not when Chris Johnson has a grand total of 75 yards from scrimmage his last two games. What happened to 2,500 rushing yards this season, you dick. But since Indy’s run defense is abysmal and it’s not Rusty Smith under center for the Titans throwing a Manning-like bundle of interceptions, he might actually have a chance to be useful again.

What’s that you say, Collinsworth? Manning afraid of contact? Piffle, I say. No quarterback in the league dives harder on the ground when a pass rusher breaks free. That’s fortitude you can’t teach unless you’ve only watched sacks on film.

Oh, and here’s the compulsory bonanza of Manningface that comes with any four-interception night:

Guilty conscience: “But shouldn’t you at least be thankful that you actually have a job, especially in these dire economic times. Why, there are those who would kill for what you have.”

Alcohol: “STFU.”

Anyway, your Meast for Week 11 is Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson, who scored three touchdowns in Buffalo’s comeback win over Cincinnati. I guess I’m thankful for the way he’s emerged from obscurity to help propel one of my fantasy teams to respectability this year. Greg Jennings put up numbers similar to Johnson’s in the Packers 31-3 reaming of the Vikes, but I’m going to give the edge to Johnson for taunting the dynamic duo of diptardery, Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, after a touchdown.

Melty faced Raiders fan flubby insisted that we give the Meast to Richard Seymour for clocking Roethlisberger at the end of the first half of the Steelers’ curbstomping of Oakland on Sunday. The rest of us didn’t agree, but I’ll give him an honorable mention anyway.

Seymour, by the way, was fined for the totally non-James-Harrison-elevated amount of $25,000 (totally worth it, says flub) and received no suspension, which just further reinforces the perception that the Steelers get everything they want from the league and blah blah blah blow me.

Your Co-Leasts for Week 11 are Peyton and Eli Manning. Each destroyed their team’s comeback bid in spectacular Manning-esque fashion. Peyton brought the Colts within range of tying a game they had no business being in only to blow it by throwing a terrible interception in the red zone while Elisha stupidly executed a head-first slide when he well past the first down marker, only for the ground to force him to fumble before a defender contacted him. Looks like Eli gets nothing but punishment casserole on Thursday!

As was mentioned during the broadcast last night, Philip Rivers’ lil’ brudder recently committed to play QB for LSU. Once he makes it into the league, he and Marmalard can square off in a three-way tag team match with the Mannings and the Palmers. Or maybe get the Godwinn Brothers involved just to push it to a four-way.

Aw, you ruined another holiday week, blockhead. I mean Fetushead. Though it may take a block of fetuses to account for that much cranium.

Before we name our Meast and Least of Super Bowl XLIV, allow us to bestow the first-ever Larry Fitzgerald Memorial Honorary Meast of the Playoffs on – who else? – Tracy Porter, who singlehandedly saved a grateful nation from a Favre Super Bowl appearance and a second Fetushead championship. It is silly for us to think we could pay tribute to Porter commensurate with his deeds, but we have tried with the video above. Felicitations, good sir. We are forever in your debt.

Your Meast of the Super Bowl is Saints head coach Sean “Riverboat Rumpher” Payton.

Onanism

Not all of Payton’s gutsy calls were necessarily smart ones. The 3rd and 4th down running plays in the red zone late in the second quarter were highly questionable, but it took serious stones to come back from that and attempt an onside kick to open the third quarter. In fact, his strategy seemed diametrically different from that of the Colts, who turtled on their final drive of the first half then relied on the same obvious calls they made all year when they had to make a play late. Their only daring move was also one of the more idiotic: trying a Matt Stover field goal beyond 50 yards. The Ravens let Stover go because he lost his range. The guy is still reliable inside 40, but he hasn’t made a kick of that distance since 2006. You might as well have called a designed rollout for the first with Peyton. Diptard Colts fans have tried to defend the Stover call by saying he was making kicks of over 50 in pregame, because that’s certainly no different than trying it during a game. Sean Payton hits on 20, Jim Caldwell stays on 11.

Finally, after they campaigned for it for an entire season, we’re pleased to inform Colts fans that Peyton Manning is the Least of the Super Bowl.

Naturally, Peyton Manning apologists and Colts homers are laying blame for the second quarter stalled drive and the Peyton pick-six respectively on Jim Caldwell and Reggie Wayne. And Pierre Garcon dropping a pass. True enough, Caldwell may have made the call to run on 3rd and 1. But isn’t it always belabored by pretty much everyone that Manning is the de facto offensive coordinator on the team, and that he is free to audible when he sees fit? Moreover, at that point in the game, the Colts had been running at will against the Saints. Peyton saw no reason to change out of the play, just as he didn’t go for pass plays on the previous two downs. He accepts some of the blame. As for the pick-six, Peyton the genius got outsmarted by a 23-year-old second-year cornerback. Three plays either, one of his passes was jumped and nearly intercepted by a Saints defender. Do you respond to that by going to a route you’ve been trying not only all game, but all season? Well, that’s what Peyton, who’s supposed to be five steps ahead of the defense, did.

All year Peyton thrived on pulling out the last minute win, made it look effortless. Had you asked any Colts fan what would happen if Manning got the ball back with five and a half minutes left down a touchdown, they’d bet a tureen of meat sauce that Peyton would absolutely drive down the field and score. Except he didn’t. Is it unfair to hold him to a different standard? I would argue it’s not, given that’s the expectation that everyone, even Peyton himself, holds him to. Pey-Pey played an overall solid game, no doubt, but he sucked when it mattered most. He threw a pick-six with three and half minutes left. He failed when he had a 1st and goal inside the five on the following drive.

He choked.

The Colts have lost their first playoff game the past two seasons. The Ravens have won the most road playoff games this decades. Indianapolis is 4-0 all-time at home against the Ravens and 1-0 against them in the postseason. Baltimore has the kind of run-heavy offense that, if the team gets the lead, can control the tempo of the game. On the other hand, Joe Flacco is hurt. Even if he were healthy, it’s highly unlikely he could outplay Pey-Pey. And he’ll have to play well regardless.

That intro, laden with irrelevant historical stats and flimsy analysis, is my way of avoiding discussing how ambivalent I am about watching two teams I hate playing with elimination on the line. Just get ready to mock whoever fails.

Marmalard strives to end Tony Dungy’s career a week after ousting Leatherface from Denver. Can San Diego take two games in San Diego in one year? Quite possibly, but Rivers floaters, Tiny Pocket Darren and a barely existent defense stand in their path.

Better win, Indy, or Pey-Pey’s gonna have to yell at some linemen like the true unselfish leader he is.