PRAISE JESUS AND PASS THE TRANS FATS! I thought we were going to have to go an entire season without precious Pey-Pey anguish. Lucky for us, he’s taking the futile “make Curtis Painter less awful” assignment seriously. The poor fool.

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Peyton Manning has thrown 11 interceptions in his past three games. That streak of hilarious ineptitude also includes him throwing four in each of his last two games. Should Pey-Pey toss four again tonight, that would make for 12 picks in 12 days. What a daily holiday season confection that would be!

Let’s not spend all our time bagging on Pey-Pey, however. Not when Chris Johnson has a grand total of 75 yards from scrimmage his last two games. What happened to 2,500 rushing yards this season, you dick. But since Indy’s run defense is abysmal and it’s not Rusty Smith under center for the Titans throwing a Manning-like bundle of interceptions, he might actually have a chance to be useful again.

What’s that you say, Collinsworth? Manning afraid of contact? Piffle, I say. No quarterback in the league dives harder on the ground when a pass rusher breaks free. That’s fortitude you can’t teach unless you’ve only watched sacks on film.

Oh, and here’s the compulsory bonanza of Manningface that comes with any four-interception night:

Thanksgiving is two days away. I’m slated to work from 5-9 p.m. on Thursday for SB Nation. I guess that means I don’t have to be thankful for anything.

Guilty conscience: “But shouldn’t you at least be thankful that you actually have a job, especially in these dire economic times. Why, there are those who would kill for what you have.”

Alcohol: “STFU.”

Anyway, your Meast for Week 11 is Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson, who scored three touchdowns in Buffalo’s comeback win over Cincinnati. I guess I’m thankful for the way he’s emerged from obscurity to help propel one of my fantasy teams to respectability this year. Greg Jennings put up numbers similar to Johnson’s in the Packers 31-3 reaming of the Vikes, but I’m going to give the edge to Johnson for taunting the dynamic duo of diptardery, Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, after a touchdown.

Melty faced Raiders fan flubby insisted that we give the Meast to Richard Seymour for clocking Roethlisberger at the end of the first half of the Steelers’ curbstomping of Oakland on Sunday. The rest of us didn’t agree, but I’ll give him an honorable mention anyway.

Seymour, by the way, was fined for the totally non-James-Harrison-elevated amount of $25,000 (totally worth it, says flub) and received no suspension, which just further reinforces the perception that the Steelers get everything they want from the league and blah blah blah blow me.

Your Co-Leasts for Week 11 are Peyton and Eli Manning. Each destroyed their team’s comeback bid in spectacular Manning-esque fashion. Peyton brought the Colts within range of tying a game they had no business being in only to blow it by throwing a terrible interception in the red zone while Elisha stupidly executed a head-first slide when he well past the first down marker, only for the ground to force him to fumble before a defender contacted him. Looks like Eli gets nothing but punishment casserole on Thursday!

As was mentioned during the broadcast last night, Philip Rivers’ lil’ brudder recently committed to play QB for LSU. Once he makes it into the league, he and Marmalard can square off in a three-way tag team match with the Mannings and the Palmers. Or maybe get the Godwinn Brothers involved just to push it to a four-way.

Aw, you ruined another holiday week, blockhead. I mean Fetushead. Though it may take a block of fetuses to account for that much cranium.

Before we name our Meast and Least of Super Bowl XLIV, allow us to bestow the first-ever Larry Fitzgerald Memorial Honorary Meast of the Playoffs on – who else? – Tracy Porter, who singlehandedly saved a grateful nation from a Favre Super Bowl appearance and a second Fetushead championship. It is silly for us to think we could pay tribute to Porter commensurate with his deeds, but we have tried with the video above. Felicitations, good sir. We are forever in your debt.

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The Colts have lost their first playoff game the past two seasons. The Ravens have won the most road playoff games this decades. Indianapolis is 4-0 all-time at home against the Ravens and 1-0 against them in the postseason. Baltimore has the kind of run-heavy offense that, if the team gets the lead, can control the tempo of the game. On the other hand, Joe Flacco is hurt. Even if he were healthy, it’s highly unlikely he could outplay Pey-Pey. And he’ll have to play well regardless.

That intro, laden with irrelevant historical stats and flimsy analysis, is my way of avoiding discussing how ambivalent I am about watching two teams I hate playing with elimination on the line. Just get ready to mock whoever fails.

Marmalard strives to end Tony Dungy’s career a week after ousting Leatherface from Denver. Can San Diego take two games in San Diego in one year? Quite possibly, but Rivers floaters, Tiny Pocket Darren and a barely existent defense stand in their path.

Better win, Indy, or Pey-Pey’s gonna have to yell at some linemen like the true unselfish leader he is.
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