Billy “I Own Four TV’s” Simmons had an article detailing the Pats 4th and 2 call from Sunday Night. It contains the usual assortment of Simmons arguments that he deems irrefutable. But forget all that. Look at this:

Seattle loves me for defending its Sonics after Clay Bennett hijacked them and moved them elsewhere. If there was ever a place I could get out of a speeding ticket, it’s Seattle. Or so I thought.

And he walked away with my license.

Someone buy this cop a fucking steak and a blowjob. It’s one thing to pull the “Do you know who I am?” bullshit with a cop. It’s another to assume that people will find that story charming. Oh, and Simmons also uses his column to brag that he used to watch 12 hours of football every Sunday when he was in elementary school, which is funny because Sunday Night Football didn’t start until 1987, when he was 18 years old. Bill Simmons is a FUCKING IDIOT. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I PUT THAT IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT MAKES MY POINT INARGUABLE.

As I’m sure you’re heard by now, Giant Snatch-maker David Tyree was on the list of the final cuts made by the Giants. Tyree’s never going to be mistaken for a good player, but he did make a fantastic play that will be with us forever, if for no other reason that Simmons will not stop bitching about how “fluky” it was. Since when do marginal players get to make critical plays in big games? AARON BOONE, YOU-AH A FACKIN FLUKE TOO! BUT NAWT DAVE ROBERTS! HE WAS GOOD ALL ALONG, YOU JUST DIDN’T KNOW IT! WE WILLED HIM TO STEAL THAT BASE!

I think Drew summed up the inherent retardery of this argument nicely: “Jeffrey Maier stealing the ball and gifting the Yankees a home run? That’s a fluky play. A random wideout summoning the strength he never knew he had to trap a ball against his head and keep it there despite getting jacked? That would be the opposite of fluky.”

Jeebus. Your team won three Super Bowls this decade. Quit trying to tarnish the one team who knocked off the Pats in the big game through inane cattiness. Creating the consensus that the Giant Snatch was a “fluky” play allows Simmons to forever bitch that the 2007 Patriots were the greatest team ever, and the only thing that could have derailed them was an act of God.

But it doesn’t end there.

Yeah, I’m sure “Goodall” will get right on that, dickhead.

THE COMMISHSIONAH MUST STEP UP AND STOP US FROM BEING SO SMAHT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH TO THE UNSMAHT TEAMS!

I’ll admit, the Patriots pulled a pretty good swindling of the Raiders, dumping an aging defensive end – one who’ll be an unrestricted free agent after this season – on Oakland in exchange for what will no doubt be a top 5 pick in two years. Taken together with the Randy Moss deal, I’m sure it’ll lead to scores of Massholes repeating the obnoxious “[Oakland/Minnesota] is Boston’s farm team” line. Aint’ gonna get Bubb Rubb down though.

Somehow left unaddressed: Bernard Pollard being waived by the Chiefs, presumably to give him more time to chill with Kimo. I bet “Goodall” made them do it to set things right!

Welcome to another spectacular edition of the internet’s least reliable gambling column, Always Be Covering. Today, in the grand tradition of Fire Joe Morgan I’m going to attempt to tackle the Sports Guy’s latest offering following his spectacular 0-4 performance a week ago. Buckle up…

Not to step on Jeff Foxworthy’s toes, but here’s how you know you just went 0-4 with your Round 2 playoff picks:

That’s the first sentence? Jeff Foxworthy references? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Obviously I’ve made a huge mistake.

• If your first three favorites lost their games outright in a scenario that would have netted 29-to-1 odds on a three-team parlay, you just went 0-4 on your playoff picks.

If only I had parlayed the moneylines of three games I picked wrong I’d be rich, richer than Nazis! HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED OUT ON THIS OPPORTUNITY?

• If your wife comes home, sees your face and asks, “What’s wrong?” …

You just got caught masturbating to old game film of Tommy Heinsohn. Or maybe you incorrectly picked some football games, you know, either way.

I might as well be Louden Swain in “Vision Quest” right after Carla moved out without telling him.

Well, you know what happens after those montages? The dude always comes back! Didn’t Louden end up pinning Chute? That will be me, dammit! Have some faith.

I’ve barely made a dent and I’ve already gotten through references to a 90’s comedic hack, The Longest Yard, Swingers, and Vision Quest. So yeah, it’s pretty much the same column I remember from the last time I read Simmons.

The lesson, as always: I am HUGE in Pakistan.

Also HUGE in Pakistan: human trafficking, feudalism, and religious persecution.

I am immediately adding this to my Sports Czar campaign: If Collinsworth is gigless for an NFL playoff weekend, either CBS or FOX has to hire him for one of the games or risk a $1,000,000 fine from the FCC. We don’t want this to happen again, baby.

Wait, are you the Sports Czar or the Chairman of the FCC? Eh fuck it, you can probably do both.

The Don Beebe Award for “Best Momentary Silver Lining During An Out-And-Out Catastrophe”
To ABC Family’s HD channel for showing the four-movie “Karate Kid” marathon during Sunday’s games as my handicapping world was falling apart. Just as it was becoming apparent Eli had a better chance of eating one of the goal posts, digesting it and crapping it out over throwing a decent pass in the Giant Stadium wind, “Kid II” was finishing up and “Kid III” was looming. So all wasn’t lost. I spent the next hour trying to find similarities between Eli and Daniel-San, ultimately coming up with seven

Only seven? LOOK CLOSER!

Note: Can you tell “Teen Wolf” has been on a lot lately? I can’t stop mentioning it in columns.

Apparently Teen Wolf has been on six times a month for six straight years. But really, you can’t stop mentioning it? Have you tried not mentioning it? Because that’s probably the first thing I’d do.

By the way, a reader pointed out No. 45’s incredible performance on Fox’s team and I looked for it on my third viewing of 2009 … there’s a good possibility No. 45 finished with 22 points, 25 rebounds and nine blocks without getting a single line of dialogue. Check it out next time it’s on.

No.

Note to Jake: Don’t blame yourself, blame us. It’s our own fault for trusting you laying 10 points at home. And just for the record, I’m adding this to the Playoff Manifesto next year: “Never lay significant points with a QB whose name rhymes with ’snake.’”

Yep, that’s your problem. Not nearly enough rules! New rule suggestion: Never take gambling advice from a guy who can’t go a week without analyzing the stats of role players from Teen Wolf.

The Ryan Seacrest Trying To High Five a Blind Guy Award for “Most Entertaining and Somewhat Amazing Moment By A Host Or Play-By-Play Guy”
To Kenny Albert for not blinking once during his pregame and second half intros for the Panthers-Cards game. Would he blink if you threw water at him? What if you punched him right in the face?

If you punched him? No, probably not.

The Dee-Dee Getting Assaulted Again on “Hunter” Award for “Serious Promos for A Serious Show That Become 100 Times Funnier If You Don’t Watch That Show”
To CBS for the incessant stream of “Grissom leaves ‘CSI’” commercials that had me initially saying, “Wait, Marquis Grissom is leaving ‘CSI’?”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can’t tell if I missed out by never getting hooked by this show, or if I saved 200 hours of my time that was spent on more important things, like trying to figure out No. 45’s stats in the final “Teen Wolf” game. It’s a coin flip, really.

Kill me. Or him. Just kill one of us.

The Come And Touch It, Dave, Award for “Most Noble Attempt to Degrade Me For My 0-4 Performance Even Though Nothing Else Needed To Be Said”

Bronze (to U. Howard in Philly): “Damn you. I just realized that you went 0-4. It’s a good thing you’re funny or else I’d stop listening and reading religiously. Keep making with the laugh laugh. You’re like that girl we all dated for a while in our early- to mid-20s that was only good for one thing. She couldn’t cook, couldn’t take care of a pet or a plant, barely could read. But she did one thing well.”

That’s right, his pussy is like a vice grip.

The Kate Winslet Accepting a Golden Globe Award for “Most Uncomfortable Performance”
For the poor Tennessee fans … you could actually hear their sphincters collectively tighten…

Literally!

Nobody knows that haunting sound better than Red Sox fans…

Obviously. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Alge Crumpler’s fumble was a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways; it’s not like the fans made it happen, but they created an environment with their excessive doubt where it opened the door for something like that to happen. (Yes, I fully believe in this crap.)

“Well that’s because you’re an idiot.” -Elaine Benes

Anyway, the strangest thing about the Dave Roberts Steal in 2004…

Is that we’re talking about it now in this completely unrelated forum?

…and the one thing I will never fully be able to figure out — not just at the time, but four years later — was why the beaten-down Red Sox fans rallied behind Kevin Millar in the top of the ninth, then reacted like Mia Wallace after Vincent’s adrenaline shot just because he drew a walk and Roberts ran out of the dugout.

I am officially lost in this metaphor.

I was there.

We know.

I can still see him leading off first base and being utterly convinced that he could steal it, even though we had 86 years of bad luck working against us. We all felt that way. It was weird. I cannot explain it. Like we knew.

We’re clairvoyant.

By contrast, the Titans fans never seemed like they felt good about winning that game.

Ah, so it’s their fault.

So how do we explain that? Is there a term we can come up with?

Surely.

Maybe CISSESP (Collective In-Stadium Sports ESP)? I believe in ghosts, I believe in bad karma, and I absolutely believe in CISSESP.

But do you believe in the Church of Baseball?!

Can you think of any two people who have less in common than James Brown and Pacman Jones?

Caligula and Judge Reinhold.

Going in, I thought the famously clean-cut Brown was going to be dressed like one of the “Exorcist” priests and just start the interview by saying, “Pacman, welcome to the show … THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!”

To be fair, JB did go to a Catholic high school.

As it turned out, Pacman’s response was wildly disappointing — partially because I couldn’t understand him, and partially because … well, I couldn’t understand him. So that was a problem. I was hoping he’d go off the board with something like, “Pacman likes to watch his fellas get their lap dances on! Pacman don’t like ‘em himself, Pacman just likes to watch! Can you feel me?”

OH PACMAN GON’ DRINK!

The Alec Baldwin Playing Tony Bennett Award for “I Like Things That Are Great … Good Things Are Fantastic”
To the things I liked about Round 2 and the week that went with it: Larry Fitzgerald settling the “Who’s the best receiver in football” argument once and for all …

Or at least until the great WES WELKAH! returns next season.

… the sassy new judge on “Idol”

TH-THAT’S TONY KORNHEISER’S MUSIC!

To the things I didn’t like about Round 2 and the week that went with it:
.. Kobe not being satisfied just with ripping off MJ’s fist pump, so he rips off Sam Cassell’s Testicle Dance …

But KG’s pathetic rip-off Jordan’s chalk clap? Chills.

Without further ado, the championship weekend picks…

Oh thank God, it’s over! ON TO THE PICKS!

/looks at Simmons’s picks
//realizes they are the same as his own

Fuck, I may as well just embrace it.

/turns on Teen Wolf

Secure yourself a good seat for the divisional round of the playoffs and get comfortable.

The Bill Simmons Rocky II Adam Carolla Award for excellence in bullshittery.

Last week a commenter informed me that my picks were the exact opposite of one Sports Guy, and that was just fine with me. Sure, Simmons is a truly brilliant analytical mind brimming with insights that none of us could ever hope to articulate, and I’m just a dipshit who accounts for quality of cheerleader tits when picking games. Needless to say, we both wound up 2-2 for the weekend, proving once again that anybody who pretends to know what the fuck they’re talking about is filled with more shit than the septic system serving Ben’s Chili Bowl and The Grill Next Door.

Seriously though, I’m shocked that Bill’s quest for an 11-0 postseason fell apart after the first weekend. Nobody could have seen that coming. YOU CANNOT DENY THIS!

On to the picks (and Sexy Friday) after the jump!

Tennessee -3 vs. Baltimore>
I like how everybody forgot that Tennessee is like, good, and shit. Hopefully they still remember how to do it up right. Plus just look at that rack. Are you going to look her tits in the eye and tell her that her boys aren’t good enough to beat a rookie quarterback and a rookie coach by a touchdown? Because I sure as shit am not.

Carolina-10 vs. Arizona
Carolina gets their interior line back and the Buzzsaw must once again travel into the dreaded eastern time zone, this time without Anquan (who apparently is mortal below the neck). What a pussy.

Philadelphia +4 at New York
Again? Fuck. If Andy Reid manages to blow this I’m going to shove a spit up his ass and roast him like a fucking hog. Hopefully I won’t start a grease fire, but you know, shit happens.

Pittsburgh -6 vs. San Diego
Tiny Darren’s cloaking powers are useless against a Silverback. As you may know they hunt their prey by scent rather than site. White people are allowed to call him that, right? I mean I’m not saying he looks like a gorilla, but he looks like the kind of guy that could only be taken down by a diamond powered laser.

Enjoy the weekend, and be sure to follow along with the fun right back here at KSK.

Bill: Okay, it’s Week 15 of the NFL and, as always, our dear friend Cousin Sal is with us. We have a game where, every week, we guess the lines of the week’s NFL matchups. And the loser has to buy the winner dinner at a very fancy Brazilian steakhouse that you folks in the audience are far too poor to be able to eat at. Isn’t that right, Sal?

Sal: Yep.

Bill: Actually, we eat there every other night anyway. And Kimmel picks up the tab every time. Isn’t that GREAT?!

Sal: It is. God, remember the last time we went? I’m still full! I didn’t even realize you could have a meal that decadent!

Bill: Well, let’s get on to the lines. As you may or may not know. I am KILLING Sal this year. Just killing him. How far up am I, Sal?

Sal: I don’t know. You’re up by a lot.

Bill: Yes, but tell me the EXACT amount, so that I can get a mental image of it and then masturbate to it.

Sal: Let’s just get to the first game. New Orleans at Chicago.

Bill: Okay. I’m gonna say Chicago… (looks at newspaper)… by 3.

Sal: Unbelievable.

Bill: Did I get it right?

Sal: You nailed it. I said 2. I don’t know how you keep getting these right.

Bill: I know! It’s like I’m some kind of amazing psychic!

Sal: Okay, well you won that one. Next one is Green Bay at Jacksonville.

Bill: Okay. I’m gonna say Green Bay… (looks at newspaper)… by 2.

Sal: Jesus. You nailed it again. I said 3 1/2.

Bill: HOW GOOD AM I? I don’t know how I keep doing it! I’m in that Bird zone, Sal. Total Bird zone. I mean, aren’t you in AWE of my ability to guess random, meaningless betting lines?

Sal: You must be looking at a paper.

Bill: Oh, please. You know what Vegas should do? They should just hire ME to set the lines. I mean, I’m so good at it! Can’t we make this happen? Can we get a ruling on this? Why hasn’t this happened yet? I wish Vegas had lines on things like, “Odds the state of Nevada will eventually hire Bill Simmons to run its gaming commission.”

Sal: Okay, next up is Cleveland at Philly. Monday nighter.

Bill: Hmm. Tough to figure out this Philly team. I bet against them last week, and then they won. Which just doesn’t seem right. Very weird. I feel like it’s a real anomaly when something I predict doesn’t come true. Because everything I say just makes so much sense. I’m gonna say Philly… (looks at newspaper)… by 14.

Sal: God, will you stop?!

Bill: Did I nail it again? I NAILED IT YET AGAIN, DIDN’T I?!

Sal: Yep. I don’t get it. I said 13. How are you able to do this?

Bill: I don’t know.

Sal: Incredible.

Bill: Amazing.

Sal: Awe-inspiring.

Bill: Legendary.

Sal: Well, I don’t know why we keep doing this. You’re just SO GOOD.

Bill: What can I say? It’s a talent! What’s next?

Sal: Tennessee at Houston.

Bill: I like this Tennessee team. I’m gonna say… (looks at newspaper)… I’m gonna say that Vegas undervalues the Titans a bit here, and gives the Texans a bit more credit because of how they’ve done lately. I also think they’ll give Houston a little extra credit for Schaub’s performance. I’ll say Tennessee by fo… NO! NO, THREE AND A HALF!

Sal: Christ. You got it again. Good analysis. I said six. I mean, this is an incredible streak.

Bill: I feel like they should erect a bust to me in Canton for this. It must be the Welker jersey. I’m wearing the Welker jersey, and that just makes my picks that much more solid. What’s next?

Sal: Detroit at Indy.

Bill: Okay. Hmm. I’m gonna say… (resists urge to look at newspaper)… Well, I think we ALL know Indy is way overvalued. I mean, they’re just 15 plays away from being 0-13. Really, they just got lucky. They’re clearly not as a good as everyone thinks they are. I’m gonna say Indy by thr… (looks at newspaper)… You know, I think Vegas will overrate them just like everyone else does and say Indy by 17.

Sal: Dammit!

Bill: Unreal, right? I don’t know how I keep picking them right! I’m just a very special person! Say, what do we think of the new 90210? Can’t touch the original, right?

Sal: Next up are the Giants at my Cowboys.

Bill: Hmm. I’ll say Giants… (doesn’t look at newspaper)… by 3.

Sal: Okay, I got this one. It’s Dallas by 3.

Bill: (shocked) Really? That’s a weird line. That line is WRONG. That’s just the wrong line. My line was clearly better. I think Vegas just threw their hands up on that one. I think it’s obvious to anyone here that my line was right. I think Vegas got lazy on that one. Don’t you find it odd that Vegas has all these systems in place to set lines, but that they can get some of them so wildly wrong? You know what I bet happens? I bet the game closes at the line I predicted, and not that one. That was the problem with my pick there. It was TOO good.

Sal: Say, are you watching the games at Jimmy’s this week?

Bill: Sure am. I’m bringing House with me too. And we’re going to have more fun than anyone in the audience will ever to get have in their very small, meaningless lives. By the way. my buddy Gus has a theory about Rocky IV. Let’s have a discussion about that movie that exceeds its running time.

Sal: We still got games to pick. What are you, 5-1 so far? That’s unreal.

Bill: I know! I’m just dialed in! What’s the next one? (looks at newspaper)…

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

This weekend, I had to spend Saturday night working the cops beat for the paper. This is okay because you get the occasional gem like this one: 6500 BLK, 12TH ST. MALE ATTACKED BY FAMILY DOG WHILE STABBING HIS WIFE. ANIMAL IS ON THE LOOSE IN THE AREA.

But it also involves long stretches of inactivity, with which I must fill with football-related reading. Running through enough of it (or churning up enough masochistic urges) I eventually got to Simmons’ Friday picks column and came upon this stretch of mind-boggling retardery:

(Note: Thank God the NFL doesn’t work like fantasy and San Diego couldn’t steal Chambers away for a measly second-round pick simply because Miami wanted to take a dump on their fans, tank their season and preserve the legacy of the ‘72 Dolphins. Because that would suck.)

Put simply, this is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve read all year from any writer. Take a million supermikes writing on a million Etch-A-Sketches for a million years and you wouldn’t come up with anything half as fucking asinine.

Really? We’re supposed to believe a team like the Dolphins, a winless team obviously in need of unloading big money players for value while they still can in advance of overhauling their roster, is dumping their no. 1 receiver for no other reason than to fuck the Pats chances at an unbeaten season? Taking that logic, maybe they might have shipped him to a team that the Pats HAVEN’T ALREADY BEATEN! Why? To protect a 36-year-old record?

We’re also to ignore the fact that Chris Chambers for a second-round pick isn’t actually that lop-sided of a trade?

We may need another bounty.

First of all, Drew probably knew that another anti-Simmons piece would be demolished in the comments by the unwashed masses, whether or not he actually wrote the piece himself (Hence, suggestions of “Somebody should do something on,” is almost code for “I’d like to see this, but I don’t feel like writing it”) Personally, I welcome the chance to piss other people off; this is a valuable skill in multiple facets of life, and I treat every opportunity to hone it as a gift from the Lord. I really haven’t read Simmons in some time, though I had heard about the list from other people, and the couple “WTF” names that made it that, really, every FF list should have.

Secondly, it’s my opinion that Drew actually respects my fantasy advice, despite his finishing well ahead of me in last year’s FFLXDSP (where he finished with the second-highest point total, and yet could only amass an 8-7 record. What can I say; everything that asshole does is funny).

But most importantly, I wrote it because, well, Bill-bashing is fun. We’re totally gay for him, and by that, I mean that he annoys the shit out of us. Plus, we could say something as benign as “Simmons has questionable taste in cargo shorts.” all the dipshit New Englanders flock to our site give us lots of comments! It’s like dangling a ball of yarn, but it works on people! But it also gives me another day to put off the rest of my team previews (CHI, GB, DET). Wicked, or something!

I hadn’t read the thing before starting my own dissemination and cracking open my third can of Yuengling, so I really had no idea what was in here, so let’s quit with the dilly-dally and delve, shall we?

Of course, he has to open with some facet of his personal life that nobody cares about. And then he gets a tiny dig in on Matthew Berry.

Because we need a dissenting opinion to combat the side effects of MBFO (Matt Berry Fantasy Overload). Just know that Berry and I…

We know, we know, it’s all about you. Hey, you outpicked The Expert on one player. Don’t trip over your own dick or anything. I don’t know what he has against Berry. The guy was great on Friends.

In all actuality (5 syllables), this smells like a plug, disguised as a dig, in order to pimp the recent rotisserie royalty that is the MulBerry, as the new HRIC (Head Red-Head In Charge) at the Worldwide Leader. Mr. Berry, Rachael Nichols would like to see you in her cube.

But back to Simmons, I should be fair and say that Bill did show restraint and didn’t mention the Celtics a single time in the intro. I’m sure that probably took a few hours off his life. Actually, I’m not sure, because I have no medical training at all.

I have an inkling.

Yes.

Oh, there’s a JD Drew joke that I didn’t even see there. That Bill, he is something.

Onto the Top 50…without further ado, indeed.

Bill’s first three I don’t have a big issue with:

1. Tomlinson
2. Steven Jackson
3. Alexander

Look, I understand that people fall in love with Alexander and they’re afraid to drop him too far because of that strong finish he had, especially that 201-yard game he had in Week 12 against Green Bay, plus back-to-back 100 yard games against teams whose playoff fates were already determined. Does the hope for his return to prominence outweigh the upside of Gore, or even Addai? I say no.

Aside: Goddamn, Yuengling is some good shit. I don’t care if it is in cans. I’d drink it out of a bottle and it would still be alright.

And I should have brought this up earlier, but who writes a fucking fantasy column six days before the season starts? Haven’t all of us had, like, six drafts at that point? I was interviewed to be an intern for the Calgary Stampeders, I’ve been drafting so much this summer. Yeah, that wasn’t funny. Fuck you, anyway.

4. Addai
5. Frank Gore

Dropped him two spots because of the broken right hand.

Respectfully disagree. Gore is gonna be tits.

6. Larry Johnson.

Johnson scares me, like an ‘86 Cutlass would scare me on a cross-country trip. But yeah, you can’t justify dropping him any farther than this.

7. Peyton Manning

Whoa whoa whoa. Is this one of those 10-pt TD pass leagues?

My logic: The gap between Manning and the sixth-best QB in the league is much more significant than the gap between Westbrook/Parker and whatever RB you’d get in the second round…Why risk pinning your fantasy hopes on the likes of Jon Kitna?

Yeah, Kitna would be absolutely worthless…if you were in a Fantasy Who’s Now tournament. Kitna is about five points a game worse than Manning, but he’s also about six rounds cheaper to boot. And you won’t have to sacrifice the depth of your team to get him.

8. Westbrook
9. Willie
10. Willis
11. Reggie Bush

Yeah, Reggie’s the man. I mean, aside from not finishing in the Top 20 in all-purpose yards OR touchdowns last season, he’s TOTALLY worth a first-round pick. Six-one-nine, yo!

The problem with Reggie Bush is that somebody, in EVERY LEAGUE, grabs him in the first round (or early second). You’ll never get him for value. For this reason, among others, I left Reggie Bush off my board for the second straight year. The reality is that he’s certainly worth a late 2/early 3, but he never makes it that far.

12. Cedric Benson

Is LA in some alternate universe where Rudi Johnson doesn’t exist? Helloooo?

13. Marvin Harrison

The best WR for sure, but still too many good RBs on the board to go here now.

14. Marshawn Lynch

If we’ve learned anything about fantasy football over the years, it’s this: Every season, without fail, one rookie RB puts up a ton of fantasy points.

Overvalued, by Simmons’ own admission, failing to mention that when drafting rookie RBs, you’re really drafting 2/3 of a season after burnout. And how anyone would throw darts at Lynch with Adrian Peterson still on the board? Purple Jesus is scorned.

15. Travis Henry
16. Maurice Jones-Drew

I think Maurice is a solid first-rounder. Thirteen TDs in 2006 makes the splitting-time argument moot.

17. Carson Palmer
18. Rudi Johnson

No love for the Bengals. I mean, all Palmer did was throw for 4,000 yards on a fresh pig tendon while Rudi ran for (yawn) 1,300+ yards and 12 TDs for the 3rd straight year. Splitting carries with Kenny Watson, my Evangelical ass. Rudi was fourth in carries last season.

19. Maroney
20. Edge

Edge probably will last this long. Maroney won’t.

21. Tom Brady
22. McNabb
23. Brees
24. Larry Fitzgerald

If you really want a quarterback whose name your mother will recognize, then, by all means…Oh, look! Another dig on Kitna. Outstanding.

And for fuck’s sake, McNabb’s Yahoo ADP is 41.5. He should never be this high on anyone’s board.

25a. T.J. Houshmanzadeh
25b. Chad Johnson

It’s unclear why everyone ranks Johnson over Housh when Housh had better stats last season, and Housh’s efficiency as a receiver was one of the highest in football.

It’s unclear why anyone would waste my time telling me why Player A is o so much better than Player B…and then RANK THEM EXACTLY THE SAME. What a fucking copout. If there was a theme to this draft, it would be “Screw the Bengals.” But instead of “Screw,” it would be “Fuck.” ‘Cause that’s dirtier, see? And speaking of stats:

C. Johnson: 1370 REC YDS, 7 TDs
Houshmandzadeh: 1081 REC YDS, 9 TDS

Better stats? Chad’s 189 receiving yards over TJ would more than make up for the two fewer touchdowns he scored in most leagues. Oh, but TJ had better stats…somehow

I will go out on a limb from the crazy tree and guess that Chad is ranked higher because, oh, I don’t know, he’s the No. 1 receiver in that offense. The better arguement would have been that TJ is more consistent (which he is), not that he’s more efficient.

The sum totals of last year are pretty much a wash, but as far as this year goes, make a fucking decision already.

27. Reggie Wayne
28. Steve Smith
29. Torry Holt
30. Javon Walker

After what happened in the offseason, it’s safe to say Mr. Walker will be sufficiently inspired this season.

Yes, the Dead People Close To Me Inspirational Correllary. But what does that have to do with Len Bias?

31. Thomas Jones

32. Lee Evans

Seems a little early, but screw it.

I knew there was a theme…

33a. Marion Barber
33b. Deuce McAllister

Deuce has more job security and a better track record; he should clearly be ahead here.

35. Marques Colston

Everyone seems lukewarm on him this year. I don’t get it. What’s not to like? He’s clearly their No. 1 guy now.

I agree.

36. Antonio Gates

A hard one for me because he killed both of my fantasy teams last season and I kinda sorta hate him for it.

Gates is usually gone by now, but this is where you would get him for value…if you could. Gates is usually absent from my board as well, as he is consistently overvalued.

37. Andre Johnson
38. Terrell Owens

Just know that he’ll never be on my team. I can’t root for him. It’s not in me. When TO does something good, I don’t want to feel happy.

I have 25 million reasons to hate this asshole.

39. Donald Driver
40. Clinton Portis
41. Marc Bulger

If Westbrook is the Reuben, and Driver is the grilled ham and cheese, then Bulger is like an onion bagel that’s toasted and covered in butter — good enough to tide you over until dinner, tasty if you’re in the right mood, but that’s about it.

42. Vince Young

Good point here about VY’s stats, but never mind that RBs, who Simmons can’t value for shit, are decent rushers, too. Plus, that’s, like, their job and stuff.

43. Adrian Peterson

Good place to get him unless AJ Daulerio is in your league.

44. Philip Rivers
45. Ronnie Brown
46. Brandon Jacobs

This guy is the fat chick that’s laying in your bed the morning after you draft. Forty-seven is about right for him, though.

47. Roy Williams
48. Matt Hasselbeck

Hasselbeck and a slew of other serviceable QBs are waiting for you in Rounds 5 and 6. Tell them to meet you there, and don’t call beforehand.

49. Anquan Boldin

Yeah, right. He’s gone WAY before here.

50. Ahman Green

If this was your sheet, congratulations, you just picked up your first running back.

And there are some sleepers, but whatever. If this sheet was on notebook paper, we would have torn the little blue lines off of it. We rule.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Thanks Bill!

Thanks J-Bug!

It’s easy to discount the spiritual impact of basketball crowds if
you haven’t attended a playoff game with special fans before. There’s
no way to understand it unless it definitely has happened to you. Then
you know. As strange as this sounds, it’s like a woman being unable to
tell whether she’s ever had an orgasm. If she thinks it might have
happened, or it felt like it kind of happened one time… it didn’t
happen. When it happens, they know. Then they feel stupid for all the
other times when they thought it had happened.

All the other times, eh? How many times are we talking about? Dozen? Couple hundred? To be fair, it is hard to bring a woman to climax when you’re busy being overly impressed with yourself. You do actually have to do some work to bring a lady to Pleasuretown. Like Sam Kinison, I do The Alphabet. But I shan’t elaborate.