Kissing Suzy Kolber » big hair is big fun

Tom Brady’s Hair Is On Its Own Program

Monday Morning Punter — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 18:50:52 +0000

Durp durp durp! Hey, isn’t that Tom Brady and a beaver playing football with some other white guy? Sorry, I can’t tell who that is; they all look alike to me. Except for Tom Brady, who has managed to grow an entire ten-gallon cowboy hat entirely out of hair. Great work, assbreath. What’s next, are you going to invite kids into your house and have them toss ping-pong balls into buckets from a distance?

Seriously, why don’t you just grow a little pervy mustache and drop a few ads on Craigslist. I don’t know, they could be like “Free Toys” or “I Play Football, Show Me Your Wee-Wee.” YOU’RE the child molester, child molester. You’ll figure something out, even if that something never, ever comes into the vicinity of proper hair care.

JUST GO BUY A GODDAMN WHITE VAN AND RUN A TRAIL OF CANDY INTO THE BACK OF IT, BUT MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY WINDOWS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT MOTHERFLIPPING ASS-FRO AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK SO MUCH BALLS TOM BRADY, BUT YOUR STUPID POMPOM LOOKS LIKE YOU CLEANED OUT YOUR DRAINS OVER THE WEEKEND AND DECIDED TO WEAR THE DEBRIS AS A HAT! DIE DIE DIE!

…you know, on second thought, it doesn’t look that bad.

KSK Guest Post: Chris Cooley Takes You To F–k Town

Big Daddy Drew — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 15:47:48 +0000

We at KSK pride ourselves on avoiding Stu Scottian levels of jocksniffery. But when Redskins all-pro H-back and part-time blogger Chris Cooley asked to write a guest post, AND used the phrase “bag of dicks” in said guest post, we weren’t about to turn his frizzy-haired ass down. So here now, in his own words, is the actual Chris Cooley, telling you why training camp is both shitty and useless.

Training camp is about to start and is exciting for every football fan in America. Fuck Town for me. Inside scoop around Redskins Park sounds like no shortage of two-a-days. The numbers of days mentioned by Skins personnel seems to be climbing like an eBay auction in the last minute. At least I can look forward to a month of fun in the sun… …. …. (Borat) … NOT!!

Camp Q and A: Cooley, how much more exciting is it to have the fans attend practice during camp? Real answer, “It really doesn’t matter, I just put on a ass load of sweaty equipment, my body feels like dog shit and now I get to smash my head into 50 other guys for 2 hours. It doesn’t matter if the audience is 5,000 naked women, (link NSFW) practice is practice and it’s shitty.” Well, at least naked women would draw more of the player’s attention to sign autographs when practice ends. “Damn it, I dropped the pen again. My hands are just so slippery, reach down and grab that for me real quick.”

The one cool thing about the first month of camp is living in a dorm room. I love it when I get to leave my 2.8 million dollar house and live in a 400 square foot box, trade in the Mercedes for the bus, and curl up in my twin bed. The TV’s are great too, who isn’t happy when they pick up 10 total channels on a 24 inch box? Yea, I guess now people can say what a ungrateful bastard I am and how much anyone would give to play pro football, but please, whether it’s a high school or NFL training camp, it’s still gonna be as fun as a bag of dicks.

Camp Q and A: Cooley, How do you think the Redskins are gonna be this year? Answer I would like to give: “Well, we’re practicing to lose every game by about 30, so I guess terrible.” No one knows how their team is going to be until more than half way through the season. Last year is a perfect example, even into week 17 no one would have picked New York to win the Super Bowl, but weird shit happens in the NFL. In reality they were 1 or 2 plays from being one of the average teams of the year. The difference from average to great in football is so minimal.

Maybe one day I’ll look back and wish I wouldn’t have taken anything for granted. I’ll stop and think I should have loved every minute of it. Then I’ll look at my fucked up shoulders and knees and take it back.

Really, I love football, but training camp just takes the fun out of the game. It’s just for me; the season couldn’t come any sooner. Today’s football business has become a completely year round job. I have spent the last 5 months preparing for this season, including most of May and June practicing and running plays with the team. Give me three weeks, maybe two preseason games and let me play the Super Bowl champs. I promise I’d be ready.

Samantha Fox Endorses KSK!

Big Daddy Drew — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 18:09:00 +0000

Every day until voting for the 2007 Weblog Awards closes on November 8th, we’ll have a new celebrity endorsing us and encouraging you to vote KSK for Best Sports Blog. And, should these celebrities be female, and possess a surplus of cleavage and a deficit of clothing, well, we can’t help who chooses to love us. Today’s celebrity endorser is 80′s sexpot Samantha Fox. I spent much of my youth masturbating to very small pictures of Fox topless in ads in the back of “Hit Parader” magazine. Sammy darling, what do YOU think of KSK?

I wanna have some fun
I wanna have some fun
I move my body all night long
I move my body all night long
Working hard every day
Working hard every day
I like to frig myself to KSK
I like to frig myself to KSK

Thanks, Samantha! Stay tuned for more endorsements from horny British singers all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re being trampled by the crowd at a Who concert!