Training camp is about to start and is exciting for every football fan in America. Fuck Town for me. Inside scoop around Redskins Park sounds like no shortage of two-a-days. The numbers of days mentioned by Skins personnel seems to be climbing like an eBay auction in the last minute. At least I can look forward to a month of fun in the sun… …. …. (Borat) … NOT!!

Camp Q and A: Cooley, how much more exciting is it to have the fans attend practice during camp? Real answer, “It really doesn’t matter, I just put on a ass load of sweaty equipment, my body feels like dog shit and now I get to smash my head into 50 other guys for 2 hours. It doesn’t matter if the audience is 5,000 naked women, (link NSFW) practice is practice and it’s shitty.” Well, at least naked women would draw more of the player’s attention to sign autographs when practice ends. “Damn it, I dropped the pen again. My hands are just so slippery, reach down and grab that for me real quick.”

The one cool thing about the first month of camp is living in a dorm room. I love it when I get to leave my 2.8 million dollar house and live in a 400 square foot box, trade in the Mercedes for the bus, and curl up in my twin bed. The TV’s are great too, who isn’t happy when they pick up 10 total channels on a 24 inch box? Yea, I guess now people can say what a ungrateful bastard I am and how much anyone would give to play pro football, but please, whether it’s a high school or NFL training camp, it’s still gonna be as fun as a bag of dicks.

Camp Q and A: Cooley, How do you think the Redskins are gonna be this year? Answer I would like to give: “Well, we’re practicing to lose every game by about 30, so I guess terrible.” No one knows how their team is going to be until more than half way through the season. Last year is a perfect example, even into week 17 no one would have picked New York to win the Super Bowl, but weird shit happens in the NFL. In reality they were 1 or 2 plays from being one of the average teams of the year. The difference from average to great in football is so minimal.

Maybe one day I’ll look back and wish I wouldn’t have taken anything for granted. I’ll stop and think I should have loved every minute of it. Then I’ll look at my fucked up shoulders and knees and take it back.

Really, I love football, but training camp just takes the fun out of the game. It’s just for me; the season couldn’t come any sooner. Today’s football business has become a completely year round job. I have spent the last 5 months preparing for this season, including most of May and June practicing and running plays with the team. Give me three weeks, maybe two preseason games and let me play the Super Bowl champs. I promise I’d be ready.

I wanna have some fun
I wanna have some fun
I move my body all night long
I move my body all night long
Working hard every day
Working hard every day
I like to frig myself to KSK
I like to frig myself to KSK

Thanks, Samantha! Stay tuned for more endorsements from horny British singers all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re being trampled by the crowd at a Who concert!