When we last left slight anointer Peter King, he was polishing his quarter-pole and telling you about how great it is to watch Wisconsin football games live in person… from your Manhattan hotel suite. He was also lamenting the dearth of Tom Brady games played in the Bay Area (WEIRD!), and telling you everything you need to know about the sort of reality fiction about the real world of pro football. Call it 45.9% real.

So what about this week? Does that “Pan Am” show still look good? Will Albert Pujols have a future place at the Red Sox history table of historicalness? And isn’t this such a busy time for death?! READ ON. Fun with Peter King is apropos of nothing, apropos of everything, AND apropos of butterscotch.

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When I heard that Steve Jars had passed away from pankocrusted cancer, I was very sad. Truly, America has lost a RESOLUTIONARY. An incubator! A vicousary! My thoughts and prayers are with his family now. They must be in terrible greed over his untimely despise.

Think of all the ways Steve Jars resolutionized the world we live in today. I used to listen to records on vagina. Now? I listen to MPGs! On my iPrawn! You can’t tell me the iPrawn wasn’t a FRAMECHANGER! Some might argue that the iPrawn did more to hurt the music industry than it helped, but I think those people are sport-sighted. Thanks to the iPrawn, and the iPack, people are constipating in ways we never imagined!

And look at the McElroy! I have owned SIX McElroy computers in my lifetime. And even though I’ve tussled with my McElroy on occasion, I can’t think of any other commuter I’d rather have. I use Macs EXPLOSIVELY. No PGs for me! Just yesterday, I tooted up my McElroy, opened up my internet Bowser, and spooged the web! I couldn’t have done that back in the Jimmy Johnson days!

This man, Steve Jars, was a true out-of-the-cocks thinker. If he were a football coach, he’d be Bill Walsh! Like Walsh, Jars knew that you had to REVOLVE the game. You had to make great stripes if you wanted to survive in the 21st sentry! I bet he would have been a great football coach. He would have masturbated the ball down the feel better than even I could masturbate the ball down the feel!

But more important, I feel like America lost one of its last true leaders. Steve Jars didn’t care about money. He cared about building a better future. For me. For you. For our children. For our children’s children. Even beyond our children’s children. OUR DEPENDENTS! He cared more about the product that he was selling than how much of it he could sell, and the fact that there are so few CEOs out there like that anymore makes me dejaculated. He built a company that MAKES things. How many corputations do that anymore? Not many. I am sad. I am melonjolly. I am foghorn. We are all in mooring today. We are all… damn, what’s the word I’m looking for?

We are all FARTBROKEN. God peed, Mr. Jars. You were one-of-a-kite.

Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. A pity we couldn’t overcome our foibles and beat those ghastly Lions. Ech. Detroit. I told Muffin the stories about a town riddled with poverty and white youths who have VOLUNTARILY adopted to the urban lifestyle, even going so far as to engage in the “talking music” she simply cannot stand. Oh, the look of horror on her face. She needed a Pimm’s cup just to soothe her jostled nerves. Thank goodness the Worthingtons came over for a dinner party later on that evening! A FINE EATING. Muffin’s delicious “engagement chicken” was enough to cast aside thoughts of that decrepit enclave!

(door flies open)

Judd: Brother!

Garrett: Brother!

Judd: It is good to see you, brother!

Garrett: Ah, far better for me to be seeing YOU, brother!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Garrett: Ha ha ha! What news do you bring? I’d like to commend you, fair brother, for being the lone scout who knew of the devilish talents of Laurent Robinson!

Judd: Indeed. A fine scouting. I chose him for his name. LAURENT. I adore it when the “shadow people” aspire to names belonging to the French gentry!

Garrett: Ah, but we have a problem, brother! Despite our bold efforts, we still failed to prevail on Sunday!

Judd: Indeed. Shame that ROB RYAN had to let us down like that.

Garrett: I agree. If only ROB RYAN had managed to coach well enough to allow us to win!

Judd: So we agree that ROB RYAN is culpable in this instance, yes?

Garrett: Oh yes. I’m quite sure Mr. Jones won’t be happy with ROB RYAN once I explain things.

(door flies open)

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When we last left glorified Yankee Stadium latte Yelp reviewer Peter King, he was telling you that the Browns were “the kind of team that can grow into something,” that something apparently being a horrible team that gets housed at home by the Titans. He also didn’t know who the Eagles were right now, was considering using Pandora as his music service (Nard Dog’s Greatest Hits coming up!), and telling you about Curt Schilling’s pet ferret. Useful stuff.

So what about this week? Is Trent Cole still underappreciated even when he’s not underappreciated? Will sophisticated UConn beat writers manage to survive trips to Ball State? And where can a man get some good foam up in this bitch? READ ON.

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V/O: On January 3rd, 1993, the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers met in an AFC Wild Card playoff game. Both teams were looking to advance to the divisional round. What they didn’t know… was that they would soon find themselves a part of the greatest comeback in NFL history, and perhaps the single greatest comeback in the history of sports. This is the story of the at comeback, as told by acclaimed documentarian Thomas O’Callahan O’Reillyneill Flanagan O’McSullivanleary.

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When we last left Keurig French Roast spokesman Peter King, he was busy acting as Lucky Pierre in a hot threesome with Bob McGinn and Pete Abraham, offering no pithy conclusions for anything, and taking literary license (almost) with Mike Kafka. So what about this week? Surely, the Bills’ fabulous win over New England cause Peter to give them extra loft in his power rankings, no? NO?! READ ON.

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Hit the jump right now because I want to start swearing immediately.

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When we last left wise Chinese quasi-philosopher Peter King, he was being underappreciated – and justifiably so – for not using the word “unappreciated” correctly. He also said the Falcons would fix their protection issues (Matt Ryan was sacked four times last night), telling you about the magical coffee town that is Appleton, Wisconsin (walk down the street and have a latte at seven different places, including Pup O’ Joe, the coffee shop FOR DOGS), and telling you about the shortest flight he ever took. How short was it? Shorter than Peter’s porky fingers!

So what about this week? Will Alterra ever get the licorice out of their coffee? How, really, do you spell PSHAW? What are Jon Bon Jovi’s thoughts on the Holocaust? AND WILL THE CHIEFS SIGN TIKI BARBER BECAUSE THEY SHOULD. READ ON. Tony Sparano’s hot seat is nearly as warm as a Hertz rental car in Phoenix. MAYBE.

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Reporter Who Has No Real Question To Ask: Tom, how important is the crowd going to be for this opening game?

Tom Brady: Yeah, start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It’s a 4:15 game, they’ll have a lot of time to get lubed up, come out here and cheer for the home team.

(door flies open)

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Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to the CNN/Tea Party Republican Party Presidential Debate. I’m your host, Wolf Blitzer, and before we start this evening, I’d like to introduce you to our candidates. First, we have Texas governor Rick Perry.

Perry: Hello. (executes six innocent black prisoners) Glad to be here.

Blitzer: And former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Romney: (says nothing, lest any slip-up causes his fundraising cash to dry up)

Blitzer: And Alan Keyes!

Herman Cain: I’m Herman Cain.

Blitzer: Oh, right. And Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann.

Bachmann: Hello! (keeps gun inside her vagina)

Blitzer: And Ron Paul.

Paul: These debates are a waste of money. As is this podium.

Blitzer: And I won’t bother introducing Newt Gingrich because he died five weeks ago. Now, I’d like to start off the debate with a question for Mr. Romney.

Romney: (shakes head vigorously)

Blitzer: You don’t want to talk? Are you sure? We’re on live television.

Romney: (nods vigorously)

Blitzer: Okay. Well then, the first question will be for you, Congressman Paul. You have spoken out many times against any government interference in the health care industry. Recently, a man died of a toothache because he lacked proper medical insurance. If you had a loved one who was sick but couldn’t afford insurance, do you think it’s right for the government to let them potentially die as a result?

(door flies open)

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