Social Worker: I know this is hard for you right now, Danny.

Danny: It’s okay, ma’am. It was ten years ago. I’m a grown man now. I’m doing fine. Frankly, I wish everyone would stop going around feeling sorry for me. I just want to live my life, get my law degree, and put this all behind me.

Social Worker: Denial is a very dangerous thing, Danny. You need to confront your past.

Danny: I did. That’s why I’m here right now.

Social Worker: You need to acknowledge that something terrible happened between you and Coach Sandusky.

Danny: I did. I’ve talked about it with my mother on many occ…

Social Worker: YOU WERE RAPED.

Danny: Yes, thank you. I know that.

Social Worker: I’ve brought in someone to help you with grapple with the BRUTAL and IRREVERSIBLE crime done to you.

Danny: Again, that’s not necessary. I’m fine. In fact, I have a class I really need to…

(door flies open)

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When we last left the Omni Berkshire’s BFF, Peter King, he was demanding more pumpkin in his beer (in accordance with German pumpkin beer purity laws), carefully maintaining football’s Axis of Normalcy, and issuing a stern warning to Red Sox management about drinking on the job. Meanwhile, PETER WOULD YOU TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THE TASTY BEERS HE HAD WITH BILL PARCELLS LAST WEEK.

So what about this week? Will Ben Cherington heed Peter’s dire warnings? Will Adam Sandler cotton to any of Peter’s movie ideas for him (“CHIMP ON A TRAIN”)? And is there any way we could encase Pittsburgh Phil in cement and seal all his major orifices? READ ON.

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Mrs. Garrett: More poached salmon, dear?

Garrett: MMMM! Yes. INDEED! Dearest Muffin, this is your finest supper yet! The salmon is enough to make even the hardiest Hamptonite blush with envy. Don’t you agree, brother?

Judd: Indeed I do. A finer eating there cannot be! What’s your secret, Muffin? Tell me! Darla will never forgive if I don’t ply you with Riesling and get some answers out of you!

Mrs. Garrett: Oh, Judd! You little scamp. Just tell your lovely wife that the secret ingredient… is DILL.

Garrett: Dill!

Judd: Dill!

Garrett: A marvelous pairing for a fine eating!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

(Mrs. Garrett’s phone buzzes)

Mrs. Garrett: Oh. Oh, I seem to have a text message.

Garrett: Go ahead and answer it, darling. Judd and I shall retire to the parlor for port and cigars. And perhaps… SECRET FOOTBALL TALK.

Mrs. Garrett: Very well, my red stallion.

(picture message flies open)

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When we last left pickled testicle-eater Peter King, he was giving you the UNVARNISHED truth that he isn’t quite sure who the second-best team in the NFL is. Maybe the Niners. MAYBE. Also, with the Colts at 0-9, I thought it would be a good time to bring up this little King nugget from September:

Is there any way the Colts could be bad enough to be in the Andrew Luck derby on draft day? Very unlikely…

But if the Colts finish 2-14 (and that has a snowball’s chance in Phoenix of happening)…

I enjoy hindsight because it allows me to make fun of stupid people.

So what about this week? Who else shares Tom Dimitroff’s backbone? Will Peter taste Tecate again for the first time? READ ON.

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Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let Tim Tebow fail on Sunday.

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When we last left Luke Tasker’s semi-godfather, Peter King, he was praising Mike Brown for having the GUTS to not trade up for Andy Dalton in April’s draft. GOOD ON YOU, MIKE BROWN. You had the fortitude to save money and pray that a gifted young passer fell into your lap, and then had to be talked out of drafting Ryan Mallett because you actually didn’t want the very good player you ended up drafting. Someone get that man an Executive of the Year Award, which is I assume is named after Tom Dimitroff.

So what about this week? Are Cards fans not the bravest people on Earth for surviving 47-degree weather to watch an entire baseball game? I know I can’t tolerate a baseball game that long even at room temperature! I wonder if Swannville has that kind of weather. Is it Tiki Time in Tampa? It ought to be. Don’t you see how it all fits alliteratively? Selfishly, I hope you do. READ ON.

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When we last Continally Almost Done It Bowl chairman Peter King, he was pining for the days when coaches wore suits and were far less confrontational. You know, like when Woody Hayes coached. He was also strolling the Meadowlands (who does that? It’s like voluntarily hanging out at Penn Station), talking to his coffee, and chasing all the best wildfire stories of the day. WILDFIRE STORIES HAVE HEAT.

So what about this week? Who’s the most underappreciated famous NFL player this week? Will Steve Serby tweet yet another gem of a pun? (“Rex Ryan, say hello to Plax flyin!!!”) In the words of teens everywhere, READ ON.

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Mastermind: Ah, at long last! MY EVIL PLAN HAS COME TO FRUITION. Those same people who told me that Kyle and I were FOOLS for believing in John Beck are now the ones begging on their hands and knees for Beck to bring them salvation! MWAHAHAHAHA. Oh, Mastermind. Oh, you’ve outdone yourself this time. Purposely starting Rex Grossman for five games has paid off most handsomely. Now Beck can never be benched! Soon, I shall have “Mister” (snickers) Snyder hand over a $30 million guaranteed contract to our prize pupil, and then the WORLD IS OURS.

(door flies open)

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When we last left part Jerry from “Parks & Recreation,” part circus tent Peter King, he was fondly recalling his time at the Starbucks at Madison and 51st in Seattle, a location that Seattle readers tell us doesn’t actually exist. Ah, but it does! Like Platform 9 3/4 at King’s Cross Station, the secret Starbucks at Madison and 51st is only visible to COFFEE WIZARDS. So what about this week? Will Peter survive his move to New York City? Surely, that can’t be anywhere near as walkable a city as his beloved Boston! READ ON.

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Mark Sanchez: Oh wow, Shonn. We’re in some serious trouble here!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: Three losses in a row! Man, we suck right now!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: And you know what the worst part of it is? I think it might be my fault.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: I feel like I’m losing the team. I feel like everyone has lost faith in me.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: What’s up with you, Shonn? You seem awfully curt today. Just a bunch of one-word answers.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: Oh, God. You, too? I’ve lost you, along with everyone else! OH NO! I can’t believe I’ve managed to lose my best friend in all this!

Shonn Greene: Best friend? The hell you talking about?

Mark Sanchez: We’re not best friends?

Shonn Greene: Nope.

Mark Sanchez: I thought we were best friends!

Shonn Greene: Nope.

Mark Sanchez: Christ, everything I’ve ever believed in has been a lie! What if I’ve been fooling myself this whole time? What if I’ve never been worth a damn? This is a spiritual crisis, Shonn!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: Maybe a trip to see “Mamma Mia!” would help get my head straight. Sometimes, it just feels so good to get away and lose yourself in ABBA.

Shonn Greene: (shakes head)

Mark Sanchez: I thought you liked musicals!

Shonn Greene: Nope.

(ground rumbling)

Mark Sanchez: Maybe coach will have it sorted out. I need help!

(door flies open)

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