We had about seventy million readers email this week us to say, “Oy. You gotta read this douchey interview Peter King did with the Wall Street Journal. It’s very douchey.” And so I did. And indeed, douchiness abounds. Surely, King had a Heineken Light or six before answering the questions. Let’s dive in and get all snarky with it, shall we? IT’S YOUR BONUS FUN WITH PETER KING, GANG.
(Chiefs practice bubble)
Matt Cassel: Oh man oh man. 0-3. Oof. I never thought we’d go 0-3.
Larry Johnson: No kidding. This isn’t gonna be a fun week, man.
(takes two steps, falls down)
Matt Cassel: Time for me to step up and lead this team, LJ. A lot of people thought the Pats were done last year when I came in to play. But I hung in there, got better, and we managed to win. If I could change minds then, I can change minds now.
Larry Johnson: Yeah man, but that was when you had Belichick coaching you. Coach Haley ain’t no coach Belichick.
Matt Cassel: He thinks he is, though.
Larry Johnson: Oh, crap. He’s comin’.
(Camaro door flies open)
When we last left North American Man-Boy-Coffee Lover Peter King, he was putting chips (mmmm… kettle chips) on people’s shoulders, praising the clutch harpiness of Kathy Holmgren, and marveling at all the young people who play professional football.
What’s in store for us this week? Is Drew Brees still underappreciated even though he clearly isn’t? Is Austin Collie Anthony Gonzalez Jr.? Will there be lists? And how does Derek Jeter factor into all of this? Join me (along with Christmas Ape, in a surprise appearance as Mr. Marmalard) below, for the answers you seek!
Jets Fan: Honey, you seen my keys?
Wife: They’re in the drawer.
Jets Fan: Why do you always put them in the drawer? I use ‘em every day! Now I gotta go open the drawer every freakin’ time!
Wife: Oh, you’ll live.
Jets Fan: We’ll have words, woman.
(phone rings)
Jets Fan: Huh. I don’t recognize that number. Eh, what the hey. I’ll answer it.
(flip phone flies open)
This is a child. It’s not my child, but for our demonstration, this child will do. Few non-parents know this, but children are actually Jedi. It’s true. Allow me to illustrate their technique. Let’s say a child wants a cookie. Here is how they will go about procuring it.
Wade: Gall darnit! Openin’ night and we go out and play a game like that. I am perplexed. How do you get 250 damn yards rushing and STILL lose? It’s gonna be a long week.
(opens package of cupcakes)
Ooh, Hostess cupcakes. My wife told me that there’s a fancy word for the icing on top of these. GANACHE. How you like that? Here I am, think I’m eatin’ a cupcake with frosting, when really it’s a French delicacy! Oh, the simple pleasures.
(eats cupcake)
Mmmmm. Well, life ain’t all bad, I guess. It was only the second game. If we just play SMARTER, I think we can live up to our potential. The pieces are there! We just gotta bear down. And that starts right after I finish this delicious, chocolatey, ganachey…
(door flies open)
When we last left kettle-chip engulfing landmass Peter King, he was praising Michael Jordan for giving the worst Hall of Fame induction speech in history, AND he once again found a way to work Derek Jeter’s name into a football column. What about this week? Will Peter teach Dr. Z to tweet using only his tongue? Will he again experience the soothing luxury of an AirTran flight? HAVE THE KIT KATS MAINTAINED THEIR INTEGRITY? Will he suggest the Browns draft Tim Tebow #1 overall next year? Wait, he did that?. Jebus.
Anyway, time to do our thing. But first, a reader encounter with the lofty one. Reader Bob writes in…
(Monday morning, Jets headquarters)
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Leon!
Leon Washington: Yo.
Sanchez: Who we got on the schedule this week?
Washington: Looks like… New England. Pats coming in.
Sanchez: Oof. The Pats? Damn. They’re tough.
Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: What do you think the game plan’s gonna be?
Washington: Don’t worry about it. Coach Ryan got it taken care of.
Sanchez: Hey, where is Coach Ryan?
(door flies open)
