Mark Sanchez: Felt good to get back in the win column again, Thomas.
Thomas Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Who we got this week? Miami? That’s gonna be a toughie.
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Heard about Coach Ryan chewing me out in the media over that hot dog?
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: You think he’s really that mad about it?
Jones: We’ll see.
(door flies open, smell of McDonald’s wafts in)
When we last left map-eschewing porkquistador Peter King, he was decrying the price of Yankee Stadium’s hot chocolate (it’s 30% cacao!), praising the Saints for their edgy attitude, and deeply regretting ordering the Kung Pao cheeseburger spring rolls at Panda Express in the JFK airport.
What about this week? Will he ever find the Providence airport? Will it be another ho hum week for Wes Welker, ONLY THE FINEST WIDE RECEIVER EVER TO GRACE A FOOTBALL FIELD? And how did the Caldwellmen do? Join me, a day late, as we dive into the nether regions of one man’s very thin soul…
They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don't rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about - much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Big Fatty Drew_____________________________Michael “Christmas Rape” Poonison
Which team do they constantly fluff without regard to anyone’s actual interest?
Minnesota Favreholes____________________________Pittsburgh Omigod They Only Win Because of the Refs
Player he’s totally gay for who just so happens to be leading the NFL in rushing or receiving yards
Purple Jesus___________________________Numbell one smaltest smirretime leceivel and steleotype
Retarded Vikes “When I Come Around” Spoof That Makes Drew Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Why do you long for their team to lose?
Because if they win the media slathers Favre ejaculate on your face and hair_________THE RESULTING YINZER CELEBRATION! WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM BOM BOM BOM BOM
Quick shorthand mocking points
Fat, craps on towels, fat, eats breadwiches, wears salmon polos, roots for Favre, fat_________Lives alone with cat, has Fathead on wall, owns alternate gray jersey, possibly too handsome
Character flaws you may not know about
Wanton attention whore, hangs on Simmons’ every written word___________Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters
Whose was the second huge black cock he ever saw?
Visante Shiancoe_________________________________Santonio Holmes
Let’s see someone bash their stupid book
“This is what I call a complete waste of time and money“______”easily the worst book I had read in my life”
Finishing move
Passing off Simpsons quotes as original humor_____________________Reciting the next line in the episode
As you know, the Patriots gang-raped Tennessee 59-0 on Sunday. Tom Brady threw for six touchdowns that day, which naturally led us to wonder if he should be named Meast of the Week. I mean, damn. Six touchdowns. AND HE DID IT IN OW-UH FACKIN’ THROWBACKS, THE CLASSIEST THROWBACKS IN THE FACKIN’ WARLD! Practically mandates he be named King Measty.
And we were prepared to do that, until we got the following email. This comes to us from a Daniel Steele, almost certainly from parts Massachusettsian. The subject line was “Mest of the week”. We also would have accepted Bort of the Week. If Daniel didn’t attend Holy Cross, I don’t know which way is up. All spelling and grammatical errors here are, of course, SIC:
Hey, you! Tired of BORING, OLD SCHOOL NFL football? Sick of pointless and arbitrary roolz like touchdowns being worth only six points, and teams not getting their full complement of 37 timeouts per half? THEN GET READY TO JOIN THE MCNABB RULES REVOLUTION! With Eagles quarterback and former “Biggest Loser” champion Donovan McNabb! His new McNabb Rules Football spinoff game is the hottest new sports innovation since Slamball!
Donovan: I wanted to design a new school football game that would appeal to fans in today’s fast-paced world. I wanted a game that kept the spirit of original football, but one that was FAIRER. That’s why I developed these news rules for my McNabb Rules Football League, and I think you’ll agree that they represent a vast improvement over your traditional NFL product.
AND THEY ARE! CHECK OUT THESE JAMMIN’ NEW ROOLZ THAT MAKE OLD FOGY NFL FOOTBALL LOOK STUPID AND GAY!
When we last left throwback-loving douchebox Peter King, he was declaring Kyle Orton the next Tom Brady, marveling at the friendliness of Sun Country Airways, and getting into a Twitter throwdown with Mark Cuban, which marks the single most inconsequential dispute in recorded history.
But what about this week? Will Peter again be forced to down can after can of Illy? Will he be hit by any cinderblock walls? Will Kathy Holmgren be a bitch and not let him watch any football? Read on. But I must warn you: there is a section on hot cocoa prices here that will leave you STUNNED AND OUTRAGED.
In the end, Pat Tillman died for the sake of a broken Humvee. Out patrolling the Afghan back country with fellow Rangers in search of Taliban and al Qaeda militants, one of the Humvees in his unit broke down so completely that it couldn’t be repaired on site, and the vehicle couldn’t be airlifted out of the wilderness via helicopter because most of the Army’s helicopters were being used in Iraq, and the Army required four days notice to send one out in Afghanistan. And it couldn’t be ditched, because Humvees cost money.
So Tillman’s regiment was ordered to split in two against the wishes of everyone in the group, including the platoon leader in charge, who made repeated requests to command to keep the group united, all of which were denied without much explanation. This was done because towing the Humvee out of the woods was going to throw the regiment off schedule. They were due to reach the town of Mana that evening and conduct a sweep for enemy combatants. But there was no dire need to get to Mana so quickly, other than to fill an arbitrary timetable. Regardless, orders were orders, and the caravan split in two (so that half the regiment could get to Mana on time), eventually ending up going in separate directions. Serial One (Pat Tillman’s group) took the high ground. Serial Two towed the busted Humvee through a tight canyon. Once in the canyon, Serial Two was attacked by mortars from a Taliban ambush.
If you watched the end of the Broncos-Patriots game as I did, you remember sitting there for a solid minute or two after Matt Prater’s game winning kick as CBS cameras gleefully followed Bill Belichick around as he tried to search through the crowd on the field, in vain, for his lost love Josh McDaniels. It was just like the subway scene at the end of Crocodile Dundee.
When we last left name-dropping thought football enthusiast Peter King, he was making a stupid amount of money, resisting the temptation to have a slumber party at various players’ houses, and marveling at barren moonscape that is Eastern Connecticut thru his Acela cabin window.
So, what can we expect from our lofty companion this week? Did he get swine flu? No? Could he get swine flu? Is there a way to capture swine flu in a syringe and inject directly into him? No? Are we sure about this?
Just asking.
Let’s dig in…
