Oh, dear God no. It’s the offseason again. That endless stretch of seven months with hardly any real football in sight. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best. Which is why we have our perennial offseason series: THIS WEEK IN FU. This week: M*A*S*H.

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Drew Brees: I can’t believe it, Pierre. We’re in the Super Bowl! All that hard work from the past year, from the past FOUR years, has paid off! Now we get to take the biggest stage in sports!

Pierre Thomas: Yup.

Brees: Now we gotta take down Peyton Manning.

Thomas: Yup.

Brees: Won’t be easy.

Thomas: Nope.

Brees: Well, I have faith in Coach Payton.

Thomas: Coach Payton know what time it is.

Brees: He’s got a solid plan. I have faith in him. And I have faith in US. We didn’t come this far just to let the folks back home down. I can tell you that.

Sean Payton: Okay, men! Listen up! Brees! Thomas! Everyone! I want all eyes on me. Right now.

Brees: What’s up, Coach?

Payton: Men. You are now two days away from the biggest game of your lives. This isn’t gonna be like any game you’ve ever played. All your hopes. All your dreams. Everything you’ve ever wanted is going to be within your reach on Sunday night. Now, I know this is Miami. Big fun down here. But I want you men focused. I want you concentrating. You and I know damn well that other team has been here before and is treating this game like its all business. I need you to do the same. That’s why I brought someone special to come in today to talk to you.

Brees: Who?

(door flies open)

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Anthony Bourdain: I’m Anthony Bourdain. I cook. I write. I travel. I eat. I do oceans of cocaine. And I’m hungry for more.

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When we last left storm orphan Peter King, he was telling you the story of poor Breleigh Favre, and how much she suffered in the wake of Minnesota’s loss to… um… uh, what was the team that actually won that game? I’m sorry, but Peter spent so much time with the Favres that he forgot who’s representing the NFC in the Super Bowl. Might be the Eagles. They are Jack Bowers’ favorite team, after all.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Breleigh. I wash there were something I could do to… OOOH LOOGIT! DADDY BRETT BUSTED OUT HIS FART MACHINE! THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVAR! YOU TALK ABOUT YOUNG AT HEART!

So what about this week? Will Peter continue to spy on the Mannings as they try to have old people sex on the balcony of their suite at the Shore Club? Why can’t more coffee shops be like PJ’s Coffee Shop? Did Matt Schaub lead the Pro Bowl in normalcy? Read on. No matter what you think of King – and make no mistake, I adore chocolate and hazelnut together – the man remains THE WORLD’S MOST INTERESTING TANGENTIAL JOURNALIST.

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When we last left artful barista Peter King, he was detailing how the Colts define themselves, typing with great sarcasm, and still curious as to why TSA officials won’t do a more thorough cavity search. If bombs can be hidden in underwear, surely they can be hidden in places even more intimate.

So what about this week? Will we get a touching story about Mark Sanchez hugging his dad before the game, even though every player on every team hugs family members before any game if they happen to be in attendance? How did the conference championships affect Red Sox City? Did Peter use a car? And will he drone on and on and on about Brett Favre’s heartache? I think you know the answer to that. Let’s get this over with.

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Mark Sanchez: Holy smokes, Thomas. We’re in the AFC Title Game! I can’t believe it! Last year, I was just some goofball at USC. This year, I’m taking the field with Peyton Manning for the right to go to the Super Bowl! That’s amazing.

Thomas Jones: Yup.

Sanchez: Oh, man. Peyton Manning. He’s the best in the business.

Jones: Yup.

Sanchez: Not gonna be easy to beat him.

Jones: Nope.

Sanchez: You think Coach Ryan has something big up his sleeve for this one?

Jones: Ain’t you seen Coach? He’s something big up all his sleeves.

Sanchez: Oh man, here he comes.

(door flies open)

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Yesterday, Jay Glazer reported that Chan Gailey would be named the Bills head coach within 24 to 48 hours. Jay Glazer is NEVER wrong, and so it has come to pass. Gailey is expected to be announced as the Bills head coach at 2PM today. Also, the Bills have a GM named Buddy. I did not know that. I didn’t think it was legal to put people named Buddy in charge of anything in this country. Seems like that would be a sensible restriction.

After all Bills fans have been through – Jauron, Mularkey, Berman’s adoration – this Gailey hiring is perhaps the final insult. And so we at KSK have collected, as a way of cathartic release, heartfelt sentiments from Bills fans the world over regarding this massive turdbomb of a hiring. Here now are the words of the Bills faithful:

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When we last Red Sox City mayor Peter King, he was imploring you to visit the Mannings if you’re ever in New Orleans. No, really! Go! Their door is open and waiting JUST FOR YOU! Olivia has a peach crumble in the oven, and Archie desperately needs someone to talk to about his sons.

So what about this week? Did airport security finally check Peter’s toiletries, as he hoped they would? (Note to TSA officials: that device you find in his dopp kit? It’s only a weapon OF LOVE.) Will he enjoy more movies about life, such as Precocious: Based On The Novel Tush By William Safire? Read on. A smart man told me retardery lay ahead!

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Mark Sanchez: Who we got this week, Thomas? The Chargers?

Thomas Jones: Yup.

Sanchez: Oh, man. They’ve won twelve in a row. They’re no joke.

Jones: Nope.

Sanchez: But I feel good, man. I know a lot of people doubted me, but I helped the team on Saturday. Just gotta keep at it.

Jones: Yup.

Sanchez: Where’s Coach Ryan?

Jones: I dunno, but my water glass is shakin’, so he can’t be far.

Sanchez: Oh man, here he comes.

(door flies open)

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