You Fackinâ People Owe Celtics Nation An Apawlogy, And $3,000 Trillion In Punitive Damages
Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
Well, well, well. Look who just just fackinâ exawnerated far cheating by Rawjah fackinâ Goodell himself? BILLY BELICHICK AND THE REST OF AMERICAâS TEAM, THE FACKINâ NEW ENGLAND PAYTREE-UHTS! That fackinâ pussy snitch Matty Wawlsh didnât have any hahhhhhhhhd evidence that my boys cheated in any way, shape, or farm. Case fackinâ closed. PUT THAT IN YOUR TAPE RECARDER AND JERK AWFF TO IT!
I know you fackinâ faggot hatahs out they-ah hoped far a different result. I know you held out hope, against all hope, that the fackinâ Pats jugguhnut was just some kind of illusion. But itâs nawt, you fackinâ losahs! Our collective dawminance was just as real as this Tazmanian Devil tattoo on my bicep. Look at fackinâ Taz! Heâs fackin crazy, just like the fackinâ Tawmstah!
Anyway, now that The Genius and my beloved fackinâ Paytree-uts have been clee-uhed of all chaaaaaaaaahges, itâs time to collect some gawddamn restitution. Thatâs right! You fackinâ people owe the entiah Celtics Nation an Apawlogy.
And $3,000 trillion in punitive damages.
I donât think you fackinâ faggots could possibly cawmprehend the terrible haaaaahtache this SpyGate case has caused, both to myself and the greater Massachusetts pawpulation. We have fackinâ suffahed a grave injustice, and now we demand to be paid far it! Now, I know you dahkies out there like to piss and moan all day long about how you deserve reparations. Maybe you fackinâ dahkies should try lookinâ far a job instead! My buddy Neil needs a busboy over at his pub/tanning salawn.
But those blackies donât deserve any reparations. It was they-ah ancestahs that suffered. BUT WE PATS FANS AH SUFFERING NOW! This was REAL pain, inflicted by malicious hatahs! Donât try comparinâ that to some sob stary about yah great great aunt being sold awn the open mahhhhhket! Thatâs unfay-uh!!
Furth-ah-mor-ah, I demand that the final scar of Super Bowl Farty Two be over-fackinâturned. Thatâs right! WE were not the ones who cheated! By accusing us of cheating, EVERYONE ELSE gained an unfay-uh psychomological advantage! Thatâs REAL cheating!
This entiah cawtroversy took an unimaginable toll on Tawmmy Brady, Tedi fackinâ Bruschi, and the rest of ow-ah heroes! You donât think they wouldnât have plowed the Giants like a Puerto Rican schoolgarl if they didnât have that shit hanginâ over they-ah heads?! Such was they-ah despay-uh, that even the legendary rooting pow-ah of the great Baston faithful could not override it. And I think you know just how unlikely that is!
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE PATS EASILY WON THAT GAME IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE BY SIXTY FACKING POINTS, YOU FACKS!
So I want that game overturned. And I want my money. I told my garlfriend Iâd take hah to Cancun. BUT I WANNA DUMP HAH AND PAAAAHTY WITH SOME NARTHEASTERN U. TAIL INSTEAD!!!!
This has been a very hahhhd time for the great people of Celtics Nation. We have been terribly wronged. And now ow-ah great Celtics are being screwed out of a Cawnference Finals berth, depriving us awl of the Lakahs-Celts Finals that everyone in America wants WITHOUT A SINGLE EXCEPTION OF ANY FACKIN’ KIND.
All because of the refs and that facking LeBrawn dahkie. Everything thinks heâs so great. BUT HE DOESNâT HAVE KEVIN FACKINâ MCHALEâS EYE-UHN WILL! McHale would have knawcked that big dumb dahkie right on his ass! Then the Gahhhhden faithful would have let him have it! You think LeBrawn would be tough enough to handle that?! I THINK NOT!
LeBrawnâs not so fackinâ tough! âOh no, that guy fouled me too haaaahd! I got a booboo! Oh no! Someone put me in a choke hold!â Sack it up, BrawnBrawn. Your mama should be well acquainted with police choke holds by now!
You clearly lack the steely resolve and determination of Tawmmy Brady and Celtics Nation. NO ONEâS FACKING TOUGHER THAN US!
So please, pay us our punitive damages. We were-ah really hurt by all this.




















