Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S JAWB!
(spits randomly)
We get a lot of requests every week to do FJM-style breakdowns of Bill Simmons’ columns. We largely avoid this because A) Peter King is more fun to poke fun at, B) It takes about seven seconds before Simmons trolls pop into the post and tell you what a HATURRRRRR you are, C) We have Tommy from Quinzee around to serve as proxy for all our Simmons mocking.
So usually we resist. But Holy God, did you SEE this column? Sweet buttermilk titties, it’s terrible. It’s awful. It’s the smuggest smug that’s ever smugged. And it deserves your unbridled scorn in full. Let’s begin…
When we last left championship cake baker Peter King, he was 20 minutes late to a live chat over at Deadspin, then proved a rather good sport with most of the questions. I’d like to congratulate Big Jim Slade for asking Peter how the Bowers were doing. Peter’s response was a simple, “Fine.” It’s the little things.
Someone also asked Peter if the criticism he gets online bothers him, to which Peter replied that it comes with the territory. He doesn’t like it when it goes too far, but he accepts it. Well, thank God for that. NOW I CAN MAKE FUN OF THAT DOUCHEHAT WITHOUT IT WEIGHING ON MY CONSCIENCE ONE BIT! WOO HOO!
So what about this week? Will it be another Steelers Sunday for Peter? Will he and Bob Costas rattle a cage or two? Will he show up in my Junior Jumble? Read on, people…
Mark Sanchez: Felt good to get back in the win column again, Thomas.
Thomas Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Who we got this week? Miami? That’s gonna be a toughie.
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Heard about Coach Ryan chewing me out in the media over that hot dog?
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: You think he’s really that mad about it?
Jones: We’ll see.
(door flies open, smell of McDonald’s wafts in)
When we last left map-eschewing porkquistador Peter King, he was decrying the price of Yankee Stadium’s hot chocolate (it’s 30% cacao!), praising the Saints for their edgy attitude, and deeply regretting ordering the Kung Pao cheeseburger spring rolls at Panda Express in the JFK airport.
What about this week? Will he ever find the Providence airport? Will it be another ho hum week for Wes Welker, ONLY THE FINEST WIDE RECEIVER EVER TO GRACE A FOOTBALL FIELD? And how did the Caldwellmen do? Join me, a day late, as we dive into the nether regions of one man’s very thin soul…
They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don't rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about - much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Big Fatty Drew_____________________________Michael “Christmas Rape” Poonison
Which team do they constantly fluff without regard to anyone’s actual interest?
Minnesota Favreholes____________________________Pittsburgh Omigod They Only Win Because of the Refs
Player he’s totally gay for who just so happens to be leading the NFL in rushing or receiving yards
Purple Jesus___________________________Numbell one smaltest smirretime leceivel and steleotype
Retarded Vikes “When I Come Around” Spoof That Makes Drew Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Why do you long for their team to lose?
Because if they win the media slathers Favre ejaculate on your face and hair_________THE RESULTING YINZER CELEBRATION! WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM BOM BOM BOM BOM
Quick shorthand mocking points
Fat, craps on towels, fat, eats breadwiches, wears salmon polos, roots for Favre, fat_________Lives alone with cat, has Fathead on wall, owns alternate gray jersey, possibly too handsome
Character flaws you may not know about
Wanton attention whore, hangs on Simmons’ every written word___________Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters
Whose was the second huge black cock he ever saw?
Visante Shiancoe_________________________________Santonio Holmes
Let’s see someone bash their stupid book
“This is what I call a complete waste of time and money“______”easily the worst book I had read in my life”
Finishing move
Passing off Simpsons quotes as original humor_____________________Reciting the next line in the episode
As you know, the Patriots gang-raped Tennessee 59-0 on Sunday. Tom Brady threw for six touchdowns that day, which naturally led us to wonder if he should be named Meast of the Week. I mean, damn. Six touchdowns. AND HE DID IT IN OW-UH FACKIN’ THROWBACKS, THE CLASSIEST THROWBACKS IN THE FACKIN’ WARLD! Practically mandates he be named King Measty.
And we were prepared to do that, until we got the following email. This comes to us from a Daniel Steele, almost certainly from parts Massachusettsian. The subject line was “Mest of the week”. We also would have accepted Bort of the Week. If Daniel didn’t attend Holy Cross, I don’t know which way is up. All spelling and grammatical errors here are, of course, SIC:
Hey, you! Tired of BORING, OLD SCHOOL NFL football? Sick of pointless and arbitrary roolz like touchdowns being worth only six points, and teams not getting their full complement of 37 timeouts per half? THEN GET READY TO JOIN THE MCNABB RULES REVOLUTION! With Eagles quarterback and former “Biggest Loser” champion Donovan McNabb! His new McNabb Rules Football spinoff game is the hottest new sports innovation since Slamball!
Donovan: I wanted to design a new school football game that would appeal to fans in today’s fast-paced world. I wanted a game that kept the spirit of original football, but one that was FAIRER. That’s why I developed these news rules for my McNabb Rules Football League, and I think you’ll agree that they represent a vast improvement over your traditional NFL product.
AND THEY ARE! CHECK OUT THESE JAMMIN’ NEW ROOLZ THAT MAKE OLD FOGY NFL FOOTBALL LOOK STUPID AND GAY!
When we last left throwback-loving douchebox Peter King, he was declaring Kyle Orton the next Tom Brady, marveling at the friendliness of Sun Country Airways, and getting into a Twitter throwdown with Mark Cuban, which marks the single most inconsequential dispute in recorded history.
But what about this week? Will Peter again be forced to down can after can of Illy? Will he be hit by any cinderblock walls? Will Kathy Holmgren be a bitch and not let him watch any football? Read on. But I must warn you: there is a section on hot cocoa prices here that will leave you STUNNED AND OUTRAGED.
