Kissing Suzy Kolber » Big Ben

Coming to VH1: ‘Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch’

Captain Caveman — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 14:00:59 +0000

Here’s the trailer for VH1′s upcoming reality show, “Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch.” It features Chad Ochocinco searching for love from a large field of women who are put into a bracket and must advance towards Chad’s heart, tournament-style. It appears to be similar to “Flavor of Love,” except the women are (slightly) less trashy and the male prize isn’t some creepy washed-up hobbit.

There’s a lot to learn here, too. At one point in the video, Chad tells a suitor, “Kisses open an emotional gate.” Sounds to me like SOMEONE is ready to guest-author the KSK mailbag.

Anyway, that brings us to today’s commenter draft topic:

NFL Player You’d Like to See Have His Own Reality Dating Show.

The Rules: Along with your pick, you must present a title for the show. Example: “Ray Lewis: A Stab at Love.” Retired players are fair game, as are married players (just pretend that the present wife died of, say, breast cancer. Or in a church fire.) As always, wait for ten other commenters to select before commenting again.

The official KSK first pick of the draft: While it would be nice to pick Brett Favre and watch him be forced to make a decision every week, the last thing we want to see is more Favre. So that leads us to…

“Quarter Past Rape: Making Time with Big Ben.” The twist is that none of the women on the show want to have sex with Roethlisberger. WHO WILL SUCCESSFULLY EVADE THE BATHROOM STAGE?

PREPARE YOUR ANUS

Captain Caveman — Thu, 06 May 2010 16:33:08 +0000

Just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in

flubby — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 18:20:35 +0000

Sorry pal, that’s verboten too.

Today NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell informed Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger that he has been suspended for six games for ~~violating the law~~ being a big jerk. Reportedly the suspension may be reduced to four games, provided Roethlisberger meets certain league-mandated conditions. KSK consulted its inside sources and came up with what is believed to be a comprehensive list of the prerequisites for Big Ben’s reinstatement:

Ixnay on the Aperay

From now on, DTF stands for “Don’t Touch, Fella”

Only round of shots he’s permitted to buy are feline distemper shots at the Milledgeville Humane Society

Must release the ball within 2.5 seconds of snap (Mike Tomlin’s insisted this one be included)

No alcohol consumption (except during 2-for-1 happy hour at Bennigan’s, the one place that even Goodell’s jurisdiction cannot reach)

Must show Goodell and DeMaurice Smith his gray dick and has to ignore subsequent giggles

Must attend counseling

Mustn’t sexually assault his counselor

No wearing graphic t-shirts in public, they send a slightly demonic and douchey message

Must perform 300 hours of community service (“community service” = washing Roger Goodell’s Lincoln Town Car)

Must pretend to be enthusiastic when his fat ass gets traded to Oakland

Big Ben Suspended, Ordered to Have Headspot Examined

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 17:32:36 +0000

ALL BEN SEE IS SORORITY GIRL WHO IS DOWN TO F*CK.

BREAKING NEWS THAT YOU PROBABLY HEARD ALREADY: Roger Goodell has informed Ben Roethlisberger that he will be suspended for the first six games of the regular season. Additionally, Ben will have to undergo “comprehensive behavioral evaluation,” which seems a bit redundant when you recall that Dr. Klis of the Denver Post already diagnosed Ben with Dead Mom Complex. But hey, knock yourselves out, accredited mental health professionals. [ESPN]

Big Ben loses the sweetest plum of them all– jerky money

flubby — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 19:30:50 +0000

“Ben, jerky is a family food. Maybe date-rapers eat jerky; we don’t know.
Frankly, we don’t want to know. It’s a market we can do without.”

The makers of “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky” have ended their business relationship with beleaguered Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. PLB Sports Inc., the Pittsburgh-based company that has produced “Flutie Flakes” among other athlete-related products, announced that they were terminating their contract with Roethlisberger. PLB president and Steelers fan Ty Ballou says that right now Big Ben is toxic as a pitchman:

“I can’t imagine anyone touching Ben Roethlisberger. Enough is enough. I hope there is a suspension. At some point in time, Ben has got to put himself in the right position and understand what it means to be a celebrity, a quarterback, a Steelers player.”

Ouch.

Other beef jerky purveyors shared their view of PLB’s decisions. “It’s a relief,” said dried beef mogul Jack Link, “Ben was really cutting into our market share. Out of sheer panic we were about to replace our ‘Messing with Sasquatch’ ad campaign to ‘Messing with Co-eds’. Looks like we don’t have to now. Whew!”

Big Chief Pemmican was even more direct, “Me just fictional racist corporate mascot contrived by palefaces at ConAgra. Yet me wouldn’t trade places with Big Ben for all buffalo on the plains of my fathers. Seriously, that dude is an asshole. Big time.”

Wow, being told you aren’t classy enough to hawk beef jerky to morons. That’s got to be a kick in the nuts. Maybe a more adventurous company will give Ben another chance. I don’t know, maybe something like…

[ ht ]

And now a message from Ben Roethlisberger:

Captain Caveman — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:15:11 +0000

That goes out to all you people playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare online.

(thanks to A.J.)

Roethlisberger accused of sexual assault (not a repeat)

flubby — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 21:17:14 +0000

A woman in Georgia has accused Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her early today. According to TMZ, the alleged assault to took place at “Capital City”—a Milledgeville, GA nightspot.

The woman was treated and released at an area hospital. Authorities are investigating it and have reportedly spoken to Roethlisberger. The Steelers say they are aware of the investigation and have no comment. No charges have been filed in the matter.

A civil suit against Roethlisberger containing similar allegations is currently pending in Reno, NV.

MAYBE I COULD BE THE NEW ROONEY

Christmas Ape — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:54:19 +0000

Ben Roethlisberger: I OVERSTAND YOU ARE LOOKING FOR NEW OWNER TO OWN THE PITTSBURGH TEAM I PLAY FOR.

Dan Rooney: Actually, Ben, I’m trying to maintain control of the team by convincing my relatives to sell their shares of the franchise to me.

Roethlisberger: OH.

…

CAN I BUY?

Rooney: Well, like I said, Ben, I’m trying to keep control of the Steelers in the Rooney family. But as chairman of the team, I’m willing to entertain your offer.

Roethlisberger: I GOTS THIS MUCH.

Dan Rooney: I’m sorry, Benjamin. While that is a lot of money, that’s not quite enough to purchase a controlling interest of the team. The latest Forbes assessment had the Steelers valued at approximately $900 million. This is only a few million dollars. And a used copy of Assassin’s Creed for Xbox.

Roethlisberger: OH.

…

BEN NEED MORE?

Rooney: [Sighs] Yes. Ben need more.

Roethlisberger: OKAY. YOU SIGN ME TO BIG CONTRACT THIS YEAR. GIVE BEN LOTS CHEESE.

Rooney: Right.

Roethlisberger: SO I CAN SIGN THE SAME CONTRACT WITH ALL THE OTHER TEAMS AND HAVE CASH IN A FLASH

Rooney: That’s not how it works, Ben.

Roethlisberger: EXPLAIN

Rooney: The purpose of a contract is that you are guaranteeing your services with one team exclusively, while we are agreeing to compensate you for those services at an agreed-upon rate.

Roethlisberger: OH.

…

WHAT THAT MEAN?

Rooney: It means you can’t buy the team.

Roethlisberger: AW SNAGGLEPUSS

[Ben leaves office dejected]

Hines Ward: Heeeeerrrrroooooooo Rongrastname. Why such rong face?

Roethlisberger: CAN’T BUY TEAM. CAN’T BE NEW MARIO LEEMOO. NEEDS MORE CASHOLA.

Ward: Awww. That learry too bad. No smirre. You know, Hines Wald was voted numbel one smartest leceivel in all of reague.

Risten, you ret Hines Wald take you money and wirr make it double, supel fast!

Roethlisberger: FOR REALS?

Ward: Hines Wald evel rye to you?

Roethlisberger: GUESS NOT.

Ward: Me just have Lashald Mendenharr rook aftel it foll few days, just be safe. Until I set to make you supel lich.

Roethlisberger: AW THANKS HINES. YOUSDA BEST.

Ward: Nerr plobrem, Rongrastname. Nerrrr plobrem at arr.

YOU HAVE INSPIRALED ME TO DO GRAPE THINGS

Christmas Ape — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:15:52 +0000

LIL’ YOUNGBLOOD HERE GIVE ME SO MANY REASONS TO BE THANKFUL OTHER THAN EDDIE MURPHY MOVIE MEET DAVE COMING OUT SOON. LIKE ME, HE SUFFERED CRIPPLING ACCIDENT BUT ACTUALLY GOT CRIPPLED BECAUSE HE DIDN’T HAVE NFL SUPERSURGEONS.

FROM NOW ON, I’M LEARNIN’ TO VALUE THE VALUE OF EACH AND EVERY DAY. I TALK TO MY AGENT AND HE SAID UNDER MY NEW DEAL I MAKE $12.75 MILLION EACH YEAR. I SAY WHAT’S THAT WORK OUT TO PER DAY. THERE’S A LOT OF DAYS IN A YEAR. AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND. WHAT’S MILLIONS DIVIDED BY A LOT?

HE PUNCHED UP HIS MAGIC MATH MACHINE AND TOLE ME IT WORK OUT TO THIRTY FOUR THOUSANDS AND NINE HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE DOLLARS PER DAY.

TODAY I’M SPENDING MY THIRTY FOUR THOUSANDS GETTING BETTER AT THEM VIDEO GAMES. NO CRIPPLE GONE BUST ME UP IN THE GAMES AGAIN! IMMA START WITH THIS EXCITEBIKE. THEY MAKE YOU WEAR A HELMET IN THIS? THA’S SOME BUTT.

“Now I know what it feels like to be God!”

flubby — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:30:15 +0000

Steely McBeam didn’t ask to be created. He was thrust into a world not of his making; a world where those he was designed to amuse instead heap scorn and derision upon him. Steely quickly grew to loathe his creators for condemning him to a tertiary existenceâ€”not quite dead, not quite alive.

By and by Steely had a notion. If they could create Steely, then they should also be able to create a helpmate for him. Someone with whom he could share the travails of this frightening plane of existence. Someone he could lie down with at night, safe and secure, and wake up with in the morning– ready to face whatever lay ahead.

With his hardhat humbly in hand, Steely went to his masters. Please, he implored them, make me someone to love; make me someone who will love me. Steely’s creators took pity upon the wretch that they had made and knew that something must be done. They worked feverishly night and day for months– toiling to avoid the mistakes they made with Steely, yet mindful not to make something so different that it too would be repulsed by Steely’s angular visage.

Today we bear witness to the unveiling of the Bride of Steely McBeam. Look upon their works, ye mighty, and despairâ€¦

HT: The Burgh Blog via Mondesi’s House.