1. We saw one crazy-awesome game in Arizona. That NFC game was the shit. Arizona jumps out to a huge lead, pisses it away, and then makes enough plays to pull it out at the end.

2. Larry Fitzgerald is the new Randy Moss. He may not have even been the best receiver on his own team in September. Can you think of the last time any receiver EVER was this dominant. Everyone KNEW who was getting the ball in the first half, and he couldn’t be stopped.

3. Anquan Boldin is the new TO. I’m stunned he was on the bench for most of the second half. From what we saw on TV, so was he.

4. Kurt Warner’s teammates did, in fact, have a clue. Great tact in that pregame interview, Pam Oliver. That’s a big minus-one for you, sugarbuns.

5. Ken Whisenhunt will be especially fired up. Remember that Whisenhunt was the front-runner for the Steelers’ coaching vacancy in 2005(?) when Herr Rooney passed over him and plucked defensive guru Mike Tomlin from Minnesota. You surely can’t question the move, but I love that storyline of Kenny-Dub seeking revenge on his former employer in the Super Bowl.

6. The First Non-Football Saturday in four months wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be. Sorry, the Shrine Game doesn’t really count.

7. That was pass interference. Kevin Curtis was pulled down to the ground by his foot on that fourth down. That would have been a penalty in the first quarter, and it should have been a penalty there.

8. Jesus took the second half off. Kurt Warner was money in the first half, but then when Philly finally brought pressure in the third quarter, Warner looked like….

9. Donovan McNabb was erratic as hell. It’s not all his fault. Tra Thomas might be the worst left tackle in the entire NFL. But…

10. Damn, that Arizona defense looks good. Would it really be “shocking the world” if they beat Pittsburgh? An upset? Oh yeah, but these fuckers are stout. And they may still be improving.

11. Arizona’s Darnell Docket learned nothing from the first half. When you saw Dockett recover that fumble at the end of the game, were you waiting for the second re-fumble of the game? I was.

12. McNabb’s numbers weren’t horrible:

Philadelphia Comp Att Yds Pct Y/A Sack YdsL TD Int Rating
D. McNabb_____ 28___47___375__59.6__8.0__2____18____3___1____97.4

…so why do I feel like this loss was his fault?

13. If I don’t take a good shit for a couple days, I drink a big glass of milk. It works wonders.

14. Leitch’s Twitter page was fun to watch during the game. If you have a fairly loose interpretation of “fun.”

15. Arizona now goes back to the Eastern Time Zone. Aw, shit.

16. I fucked a girl in a driveway once. Thankfully, I pulled out right before her parents pulled in.

17. The Jets hired Rex Ryan. Shit, that was a quick job interview.

18. They need to stop with the Coors Light commercials already. The coach soundbites? Funny. Those four dipshits that keep talking about the beer? Not funny.

19. Speaking of beer commercials, are they bringing back Bud Bowl this year? Like with the animated bottles and shit? I don’t care about winning the money, I want to see phallic-shaped cartoons playing football!

20. Nice to see Matt Leinart was still alive yesterday. And still riding the bench. I hope you were taking notes, Marvin Sanchez.

21. Hehe, Sanchez.

22. Yes, this is a Steelers fan wearing capri pants.

Not pictured: the glory hole drilled into that bar.

23. Limas Sweed. Dude cost his team a touchdown and a timeout on a dropped deep ball near the end of the first half. And then a few plays later, dude mashed Corey Ivy’s face into the back of his neck and took a timeout away from Baltimore. That’s not total redemption, but holy shit, that’s close.

24. Big Ben, did you really thank Jesus when you accepted the Lamar Hunt trophy? Thanks a lot, fuckface. You were my last agnostic hope.

25. If I ever suffer a potentially-life-threatening spine injury, I hope someone has the decency to play me some Creedence.

26. The Ravens had two players hurt on the first play. Foreshadowing?

27. Santonio Holmes let it all hang out for this game. He had the game’s only receiving TD. Can you believe that nobody had more than three catches in that game?

28. Joe Flacco will be back. He looked solid for three quarters against the best D in the league.

29. Uh, Troy Polamalu looked pretty healthy yesterday. He ran a pick back for a TD…

30. JUST LIKE ED REED! Because he was the first player to ever do that!

31. Ray Lewis looks fat. I thought God’s linebacker would be on a stricter cardio program.

32. As far as new coaches go, which was the shittier minority hire? Jim Caldwell seems to have the better resume, but at least Raheem Morris didn’t read his introductory speech word-for-word. Sorry, I haven’t really paid attention to the white people.

Okay, so we didn’t get to 69, but then you never bought me dinner, either! See that? Oh man, you were just run over by the comedy railroad. Go cry to mama if you don’t like it. El Segundo has better things to do than breast-feed the disenchanted.

Drew Brees: How’s your ciabatta chicken sandwich, Peter?

Peter King: Oh, it’s delicious. So, Drew, you have to be upset with all of the concern after another hurricane in the gulf.

Drew Brees: Yeah, I really wish we could just move the team to LA and get it over with. I mean, what if the damage to Gustav would have been more severe? Are we going to be rebuilding that shithole every three years?

PK: Drew, that’s not very sensitive.

Drew Brees: What do you mean? It’s true.

PK: I suppose that’s true, but people live there.

Drew Brees: Well, people are stupid, Peter. We’re putting all this money into disaster relief when we should be fighting terrorism here at home.

PK: Oh, come on, Drew.

Brees: I’m serious. Some Arab terrorist could walk through that door and kill us all. The government should be doing something to protect us!

PK: Drew, I can’t believe what I’m hearing from you.

Drew Brees: It’s time to be aware of our role in the world, Peter. People want to do bad things to us, for reasons we don’t fully understand. Wrap your head around that for a…

PK: Drew, do you really want to live in a country where we’re expected to police the rest of the world? I mean, give me one reason why we should assume that role.

Drew Brees: Peter…is that your dad behind you?

PK: Actually, my father’s been…Oh, Christ, no!

BIFF KING: Wow, this is a relief. I made it just in time for the 12:30 showing of The Berenstein Bears Learn To Buttfuck. Usually I’m not a fan of such a departure from the source material, but I could see this heading in the right direction. You’ve really captured the pathos here.

PK: HOW IN GOD’S NAME DID YOU FIND ME? I didn’t drive a rental car. I didn’t bring my cell phone. I took a cab from the airport and WALKED FIFTEEN BLOCKS to this restaurant so I didn’t leave any trail whatsoever. For the love of God, PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU KNEW I WAS HERE?!?!

BIFF KING: Stevie, I’m in here all the time. This is the official ciabatta stop for El Segundo.

PK: LIAR!

Drew Brees: Hey, if you don’t mind, this is a private conversation.

BIFF KING: Oh, I gathered that, visor boy. Don’t think I’m too eager to jump between the Stevie Bear and his meal. That’s how limbs are lost, my friend.

Drew Brees: I’m not your friend, pal.

BIFF KING: That’s an expression, cockface. You need to stop into CVS and get your valium refilled.

PK: FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY JUST GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

BIFF KING: Did you know one time Stevie invited a girl over to his house just to watch him eat?

PK: We were going to a study group and I hadn’t eaten lunch that day!

BIFF KING: You couldn’t have been that hungry, Stevie. Not if you could pass up such a hot little piece of pink vanilla pie. That’s when Mom started taking him to therapy.

Drew Brees: Hey, sometimes therapy can be very helpful for people. It’s really a healthy way to deal with the difficult things in life.

BIFF KING: …I’m sorry, was that you talking, Drew Brees? Or was that the Hershey squirt on the side of your face? All that money you’re making and your cheek still looks like the ass-end of Stevie’s tighty whiteys.

Drew Brees: [gets up to leave] That’s it, I don’t have to take this.

BIFF KING: You sure don’t, Gorbachev. You’re too big time to hang out with common folk like Stevie here. Just don’t come crying to me when you’re 55 and you can’t remember you’re kids’ names. Unless you’ve tattooed their names on their faces.

Drew Brees: Kiss me ass, you fucking creep.

BIFF KING: Is that what that thing on your face is? Is that a memory mark from your father? Was he a champion of the loci method?

Drew Brees: [grabs a knife from off the table] I’m gonna stab you right in the fucking eyes. You think you can just show up unannounced and treat people like dirt, you fat freak? Somebody has to take a stand against your wandering brand of bullshit. And that somebody is me!

BIFF KING: Come get some, Pony Boy. El Segundo knows no fear.

Drew Brees: Say goodbye to that yellow tooth, you fuckfaced piece of –

T.J. Houshmanzadeh: Hey.

BIFF KING: Hey, Touraj. How goes it.

Drew Brees: Oh my God! It’s a fucking terrorist! Al Qaeda’s come to kill me during my lunch interview! [throws chair through window and smashes it, jumps out the window and sprints away]

PK: How do you guys know each other?

BIFF KING: We, uh, we’re former associates.

T.J. Houshmanzadeh: Do you have anything to drink?

BIFF KING: Take a look around, chocolate cock. We’re in a fucking coffee shop. The world is your oyster.

T.J. Houshmanzadeh: I think I just want water today.

BIFF KING: Jesus, you Iranian-African-Americans are something else.

PK: I hate my life.

STARBUCKS

WASHINGTON SHOE BUILDING, SEATTLE.

Peter King: Thanks again for meeting me out here, Matt. This has been a terrific interview so far.

Matt Hasselbeck: I’ve enjoyed it, too, Peter.

Peter King: This is a great Starbucks. I hope this isn’t one of the hundreds they close down.

Matt Hasselbeck: Who knows. But I think you need to take it easy on the coffee.

Peter King: Nonsense, I’ve only had six or seven since we’ve been here.

Matt Hasselbeck: If you say so, Mister Starbucks.

Peter King: Ha! Oh Matt, you always make me laugh. You don’t have to go anytime soon, do you?

Matt Hasselbeck: Well, Peter, this is the only thing I had scheduled today. Maybe after this, I can show you some of the Forty Niners game film I’ve been studying at my place.

Peter King: That–that would be great, Matt.

Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, Peter?

Peter King: Yes, Matt? Yes?

Matt Hasselbeck: Peter, do you have a brother?

Peter King: Do I have a…Aw, shit…

BIFF KING: Howdy doo, fuckshovel. Your lady told me you were at the doctor’s office. Guess you finally decided to get treatment for your pussy allergy.

Peter King: I told her to say that so you would leave me alone.

BIFF KING: Righto, Stevie. You do know how much Super Biff hates the doctor, Stevie. If a man in a white coat is gonna be stickin’ stuff in my ass, it’s gonna be John Travolta.

Matt Hasselbeck: We haven’t met. I’m Matt Hasselbeck, how are you?

BIFF KING: You look like a hairy Raul Julia to me. Man, I loved that guy in Kojak. Good to meet you, Matt. Watch out for this little sissy. He’s a real butthole bucaneer if you know what I’m saying.

Matt Hasselbeck: I know what you’re saying.

BIFF KING: I’m saying he likes to rape male ass.

Matt Hasselbeck: Yeah, I caught that. Thanks.

Peter King: GET OUT OF HERE!

[Barista walks up] Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from Mr. King.

BIFF KING: And I’m gonna have to ask you to pick a gender, homo. We have to make tough decisions in this world. You didn’t see me waffling in front of the district court judge ten years ago. Make a decision, homo boy.

Peter King: Weren’t you in jail for having passports in your name from six different countries?

BIFF KING: No, sir. You underestimate the power of El Segundo. I pled all the way down to child endangerment. And for your information, Stevie, Yugoslavia’s not a country anymore.

Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, where’d you get that stupid feather earring?

BIFF KING: Oh, this? Oh, it’s just something I plucked off your mom’s ass. Right after I shot her out of the sky. I can understand you being unfamiliar with the coverings of animals, seeing as you’re a raging bald homosexual from the former Yugoslavia.

Matt Hasselbeck: You better be careful, buddy.

BIFF KING: Hey, Stevie, that reminds me. You remember that time when you were eight and you tried to iron out the wrinkles in your ballsack with an iron? Oh, man. That’s still my favorite ambulance ride ever.

Peter King: God damn you.

BIFF KING: And we’re walking out of the hospital, and the nurse is like, “Be more careful in the future.” What did she think? He was gonna try to iron his balls again?

Matt Hasselbeck: Peter, I think I’ve gotta leave. I forgot about a meeting with my agent today.

Peter King: Oh, Matt! No!

Matt Hasselbeck: Sorry Peter. I’ll be in touch.

[Matt leaves]

BIFF KING: Wow. Now I know what it feels like when a dog comes over and–

Peter King: Go away! Go the fuck away and don’t ever speak to me ever again! Don’t find me, don’t look me up, DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME EVER! AND FOR PETE’S SAKE, STOP CALLING ME STEVIE!!!!

BIFF KING: For Pete’s sake? Who’s Pete?

Romo: Hey, I think I can see my car in the parking lot from here. Wait…yeah–no, that’s not my car. Well, it looks just like mine. Oh wait, my car isn’t blue. Is it?

Peter King: Excuse me, Tony. Do you have time for an interview while you stretch.

Romo: Oh, hey Peter what’s up?

Peter King: You–you remembered my name!

Romo: Well, yeah. You’ve interviewed me every day for the past week, since mini-camp started. Hey, is my car blue?

Peter King: Wow. You have got to start spending less time with Jessica, Tony.

Romo: What do you mean? Why do you keep saying that to me?

Peter King: Well…um…be…because you’ve been so forgetful and I just–

Romo: Peter do you have a brother?

Peter King: Oh, no way I’d set her up with anyone in my family, especially after–

Romo: No, Peter. [looking over Peter's shoulder] Do you have a brother?

Peter King: Just one, but he’s in…Oh fuck.

[turns around slowly]

BIFF KING: Peter! I called your wife on a pay phone! She told me where you were. My, my, that lady has such a lovely voice. It reminds me of cold beer beading up on a baby’s ass. 

Romo: How did you get in here?

Peter King: What are you doing here? I am WORKING!

Romo: Hey, did you see any blue cars in the lot out there?

BIFF KING: Relax, Stevie, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Just came to see my little brother is all, and slowly ruin his life.  

Peter King: Stop calling me Stevie! I’m trying to do an interview here!

BIFF KING: Just like old times, ain’t it Stevie? You’re chatting up this one girl, but then she starts talking to me and before you know it, instead of hanging out with you, she’s driven her station wagon right into a bridge impediment.

Peter King: That was our mom! You jumped up from the back seat and covered her eyes! I missed my baseball game that day because of you!

BIFF KING: There you go again, Stevie, making shit up about Super Biff again. Just like the state of New Jersey made shit up about me robbing a liquor store with a chainsaw while I was high on Liquid Plumr.   

Peter King: They had you on video!

BIFF KING: That wasn’t me.

Romo: Hey, if you guys are going to have a conversation, you should probably get off the field.

[BIFF stares at Romo]

BIFF KING: Hey, Tony Romo. What’s happening?

Romo: Hi.

BIFF KING: Tony Romo, huh? More like Tony Shitbag. The third.

Romo: What?

BIFF KING: Fist any assholes lately? You’ve got such slick hands you could probably get elbow-deep in Andre Gurode’s anus if you’re not paying attention. Which you aren’t. Because you suck. Awwwww [spins finger around and points it at Romo] How did that taste, pussy boy?

Romo: Peter, we’ll pick this up later. [walks off]

BIFF KING: Yeah, better get going, Dorothy. That yeast infection isn’t going to treat itself. Heh heh heh. Believe me, I know.

Peter King: You’re unbelievable. You just chased away my interview! I’m trying to do a job!

BIFF KING: Just take another NyQuil, Stevie. This isn’t the first time you’ve been cockblocked by ol’ El Segundo here. A little composure is in order, along with a little breakfast. Stevie, I think you and the big dog need to mosey on down to the awful Waffle House and settle this over some Texas Toast.

Peter King: You don’t have any money, do you?

BIFF KING: I’ll pay you back. I’ll drive. I’m the blue 2008 Range Rover in the lot over there, in the back.

Peter King: Where did you get that?

BIFF KING: Whoo, listen to you, Mister Up In My Business. Why, do you want one? Can you afford a machine like this writing for your little magazine?

Peter King: Mmmmmaybe I can!

[they head to the parking lot]

BIFF KING:  So how’s that little girl of yours doing?

Peter King: Don’t ask.