Name: Dez Bryant
Nickname: None required, his name is Dez.

Age: 21
Mom’s age: 35
Dad’s age: Early 60′s

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Name: Sam Bradford
College: Oklahoma, the program that has given us the likes of Josh Heupel, Nate Hybl, and Jason White. That’s good pedigree!

Strength: Hitting wide open receivers.
Weakness: AC joint.

Ethnicity: Bradford is 1/16th Cherokee and is a citizen of the Cherokee Nation. He is the great great granddaughter of Susie Walkingstick, an implement Bradford will become familiar with after enduring 70 sacks as a rookie.
Suggested Cherokee Name: Winces In Pain

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He’s an underdog! He was just a three star recruit coming out of high school, and he was routinely ranked behind the likes of Juice Williams and Pat Devlin. To this day he still reads the story of David and Goliath prior to games. It’s a great way to psyche yourself up for a 64-0 win over a bewildered Idaho State team. Not so big now, are you, Goliaths of Pocatello?

Who Wants Him: The Redskins, but I’m guessing the feeling isn’t mutual.
Who Will Take Him: The Rams.

Is His Girlfriend “Facebookable“: Apparently so.

Immediate Impact: Starts Week 1, goes on IR by Week 12.
Down the Road: Overcomes multiple injuries to win the distinction as the league’s best golfing quarterback over future Redskins quarterback Tony Romo.

Name: Bruce Campbell
College: Maryland

Position: Offensive Tackle

Claim to Fame: Played left tackle at Maryland, starred as Ash in the Evil Dead trilogy.
Current Roles: Darling of the Combine and a sort of Elvis Cole/Joe Pike hybrid character on Burn Notice.

Strengths That Will Not Help Him Block Opposing Lineman: A 4.69 time in the short shuttle and the ability to hold demon spirits at bay. Alright, that second one may help out against Jared Allen.
Weaknesses: Durability and cable television roles.

Injury History: Turf toe and a disembodied hand.

Mainstream Media Comparison: Joe Staley. No wait, he’s white. No, no that won’t do at all. Let’s go with Branden Albert. Yes, that’s much more accurate.
KSK Comparison: Darius Heyward-Bey

Who Wants Him: Al Davis
Who Will Get Him: Al Davis

Name: Tony Washington
College: Abilene Christian (DII)

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Given Name: Sergio. I wonder if he’s Spanish like that golfer guy. I don’t know much about the Spanish, but I can tell you one thing, their sangria is DELICIOUS! Why drink beer or wine when you can drink a fruit salad with some alcohol in it? I make a mean pitcher of the stuff myself. The secret ingredient is Sprite (shhh!).

Surname: Kindle. You know, like the e-book reader. I got one of these for my birthday, and it’s awesome. Hella awesome. I can go from reading The Sports Guy’s Book of Basketball to Glenn Beck’s Common Sense (scoff if you want, the guy knows his stuff) in like, 10 seconds. Plus I now have every word Dan Brown has ever written at the tip of my fingers.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Sergio has had his share of problems behind the wheel. There was a DWI arrest in 2007 that cost him three games, and an even more troubling incident within the last year. Apparently Sergio was engaging in what has come to be known as “Texting While Driving” when he hopped a curb and drove into an apartment. This was probably the result of those maddeningly small buttons found on most cell phones. That’s why I do all of my texting on the Kindle. The buttons are much easier to identify while changing lanes at 55. Is there anything this little miracle can’t do?

Mainstream Media Comparison: The nook from Barnes and Noble. But really, there’s NO comparison between the two when you get down to brass tacks.

KSK Comparison: Derrick Thomas. Let that be a lesson to you, Mr. Text-n-Drive!

Who Wants Him: You! Or at least you should. Did you know that you can read other stuff besides books on your Kindle? No joke. Lately I’ve been using mine to get back into the blog world. I don’t really have time to read a lot of sites, but I try to keep up with the big ones. You know, the TBL’s, PFT’s, and Perez’s of the world. The really essential blogs.

Who Will Take Him: The New York Giants. That’s what Kiper thinks, and frankly, that’s all I need to know.

Name: Mike Kafka
Age: “Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”

On Leadership: “By imposing too great a responsibility, or rather, all responsibility, on yourself, you crush yourself.”

On The Importance of Combine Workouts: “Let me remind you of the old maxim: people under suspicion are better moving than at rest, since at rest they may be sitting in the balance without knowing it, being weighed together with their sins.”

On Quarterbacking Philosophy: “A man of action forced into a state of thought is unhappy until he can get out of it.”

On Pocket Presence: “Hiding places there are innumerable, escape is only one, but possibilities of escape, again, are as many as hiding places.”

On Party Life In the NFL: “My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication – it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness – it is all that I have – and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well.”

On Road Beef: “Evil is whatever distracts.”

On the Importance of Proper Crotch Protection: “God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them.”

On Bill Belichick: “One must not cheat anyone, not even the world of its victory.”

On the Possibility of Playing For Rex Ryan: “So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.”

On the Collective Bargaining Agreement: “Tyranny or slavery, born of selfishness, are the two educational methods of parents; all gradations of tyranny or slavery.”

On the Media: “Writers speak stench.”

Fears: “Dread of night. Dread of not-night.”

Immediate Impact: “Hesitation before birth. If there is a transmigration of souls then I am not yet on the bottom rung. My life is a hesitation before birth.”

Down the Road: “A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die.”

Name: Jimmy Richard Clausen
Nickname: Phallus Impudicus

Likes: Bros
Dislikes: Haters

Resembles: Beaker crossbred with an emu.

Previously Stated Goals: To win four national championships at Notre Dame.
Actual Accomplishments: 16-18 record as a starter, co-MVP of the famed Hawaii Bowl.

Words Most Commonly Associated With Player: Cocky, cockish, cockeyed, cocksure, half-cocked, cold-cocked, cockled, cockroach, cockatiel, and…uh…cock.

Mainstream Media Comparison: Some sort of John Elway/Tom Brady/Joe Namath hybrid (note: may be outdated).
KSK Comparison: Some sort of Brady Quinn/Jeff George/Alex Smith hybrid.

Reason He Repeated the 6th Grade (Mom’s Version): “To gain maturity.”
Reasons He Repeated the 6th Grade (Real Version): Couldn’t name the antagonist from Treasure Island, failed like George Washington at Fort Necessity.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: His parents hired a professional quarterback coach to work with him when he was in eighth grade. Apparently that was his reward for being so mature.

Combine Revelations: Possesses tiny hands.

Who Wants Him: The marketing departments at Abercrombie & Fitch and Burger King.
Who Will Take Him: The Redskins, because God is either dead or an asshole.

Name: Jevan Snead, QB, Ole Miss
Nickname: Has no need for one.

Mainstream comparison: Steve Taneyhill
KSK comparison: stock villain from silent-era melodrama

Strengths: twirling the end of his mustache between thumb and forefinger.
Weaknesses: penchant for tying maidens to railroad tracks; pocket anxiety

Who wants him: not the God-fearing and honest folk of the Yukon.
Who will take him: quarterbacks are always in demand north of the border.

Mood: Agitated due to widow’s refusal to sign over deed to orphanage.
Outlook: Impending comeuppance from one of the R.C.M.P.’s finest.

“I’m pretty sure a cannoli is just a little cannon.”

Name: Joe Pawelek, LB, Baylor U.
Nickname (as of 1:39 a.m. today): THE DON

Strengths: Saw “The Godfather” for the first time last night.
Weaknesses: Oblivious to the fact that everyone else saw it years ago and is well aware of the characters and major plot points.

Mainstream comparison: Bobby Carpenter
KSK comparison: “I see myself as like ‘Clemenza’—the trusted advisor that’s always got a plan. Man, next to Get Carter, it’s best mafia movie ever.”

Bench press: “How about that friggin’ shoot out at the toll booth! Bad friggin’ ass! That’s the way I want to go out. Except I’d take few more with me, you know what I mean” (makes machine gun sounds).
40 yard dash: They don’t say ‘shoot out’ or ‘kill somebody’. They say ‘go to the mattresses’. How friggin’ cool is that? GOIN’ TO THE MATTRESSES YALL!!!!

Who wants him: “Luke O’Bratsy got flippin’ WHACKED!!!!”
Who will take him: “Who ever drafts my ass better make me an offer I can’t refuse. Get it? ‘Cause it’s what the old guy says.”

Strength: Fearless in the face of a killer.
Weakness: Driving

Definitive on-field highlight video:

Mainstream Media Comparison: Richard Seymour
KSK Comparison: Kevin Williams

Who Wants Him: Everybody
Who Will Take Him: The Rams, unless they do something truly retarded.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: How many spears does he really keep in his home?

Immediate Impact: Rams still suck.
Down the Road: Rams still suck. But at least they have a good defensive line.

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