Welcome to the first latest installment of KSK’s newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We’ll lead up to April’s draft by giving you all the pertinent info you’ll need on the next generation of future salary cap casualties.

Name: Joe “Wonderbread” Thomas

Height: Somewhere between Alando Tucker and Brian Butch
Weight: When he got on the digital scale it started leaking battery acid

Urine Test: Velveeta
Stool Sample: Corn. Lots of corn.

Mainstream Comparison: Jonathan Ogden
KSK Comparison: Michael Lewis’ recurring wet dream (not to be confused with his other recurring wet dream featuring a nude Tabitha Soren traipsing around the Oakland A’s locker room).

Who Wants Him: David Carr’s bruised ass
Who Will Take Him: Some shitty team that wants to bore their fans

Hobbies: Basting fat chicks in the tub
Favorite Food: Miracle Whip sandwiches and his salt lick
Favorite Expression: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He once ate the corpse of his uncle Dave after defeating the Wendy’s founder in a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger eating contest.

Immediate Impact: Seismic
Down the Road: Dementia pugilistica and robot legs…not a bad trade-off

Name: Brady Quinn — he’s like the anti-Reggie Cleveland! (you might remember him from Ron Borges’ Reggie Cleveland All Stars)

Height: Taller than the average leprechaun
Weight: A bit light in the loafers

Urine Test: Trace amounts of diethylstilbestrol
Stool Sample: Semen swirled

Mainstream Comparison: Carson Palmer (neither could beat USC for different reasons)
KSK Comparison: Lance Bass

Who Wants Him: Unless the Lions or Browns reach big time the answer is…nobody. He’ll get drafted by the team that says “Fuck, he’s still here? I guess we have to take him.”

Hobbies: Hair gel, 3-ways with his sister and AJ

Fav Movie: Roto Rooting Rudy Ruetigger (gay porn version of Rudy)

Fav Simpsons Ep/Nickname: Mr. Plow

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Expect the full package…that gag reflex is normal

Immediate Impact: Even if he’s not a great quarterback he’s a lock to increase the league’s “Abercrombie Quotient” by ten percent. That being said, he’s no stranger to the league’s up-and-coming Dipshit Consortium.

Down the Road: People like to think he could be the next Tom Brady–then again, I like to think I could be the next middleweight champion of the world. He could be the next Carson Palmer but he’s probably the next Eli Manning.

Welcome to the first installment of KSK’s newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We’ll lead up to April’s draft by giving you all the pertinent info you’ll need on the next generation of future salary cap casualties.

Name: Jamal + Marcus + Stupid Parents= JaMarcus
Height: Tall
Weight: Fat

Speed: Fuck No
Arm Strength: Mountain Eclipsing
Urine Test: Positive for clarified butter
Stool Sample: Brobdingnagian

Mainstream Comparison: Daunte Culpepper
KSK Comparison: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on HGH (and you thought it would be a black guy…)

Who Wants Him: The Crypt Keeper and his Wonder Boy

Hobby: Collects things that are soft.
Fav Movie: Sling Blade, Of Mice and Men

Story that ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Once housed Fats Domino and a dozen other Katrina refugees in his Baton Rouge apartment that was absolutely not paid for by a booster.

Immediate Impact: JaMarcus has all the skills he needs to be a success but considering his future surroundings (Oakland) he’ll turn into another gunslinger with gaudy numbers and a handful wins. Hey, not everybody can be a Sex Cannon. If he were surrounded by “talent” and “NFL caliber coaching” he’d be a sensation… ‘C’est la vie’, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell…

Down the Road: Most quarterbacks age like wine and cheese. Well JaMarcus’ ass is going to age like a tub of potato salad wedged between PK’s legs on a mid-summer road trip.