Name: Blaine Gabbert
Position: Quarterback
School: Missourah

Potential Berman nicknames: “Plain” Blaine Gabbert, Blaine “Yo Gabba” Gabbert

Age: 21
Height: 6’5″
Weight: 234

Twitter: @BlaineGabbert (most common tweets revolve around the three f’s: food, fishing, and family)

Nicest comparison: Matt Ryan.
Meanest comparison: Tom Brady’s hairline.

Strengths: Ironing. Looking quarterbackish.
Weaknesses: Accuracy.

Relevant medical conditions: Suffers from Tony Kornheiser disease.

Interesting tidbit: Quite possibly the most quintessential American in the draft, judging from his Plixi account.

Who wants him: Tennessee
Who will take him: Arizona, or one of the five other teams drafting ahead of Tennessee who happen to need a quarterback.

What the scouts are saying: That Blaine Gabbert sure is a nice fella. I should give him my daughter’s number. And I don’t mean the ugly one.

Immediate impact: Hope.
Down the road: Congress.

Name: Christian Ponder
Position: Quarterback
School: Florida State

Age: 23

Height: 6 feet, 3 inches
Weight: 228 lbs

Nicest comparison: A more cerebral Matt Leinart.
Meanest comparison: An autistic Jim Harbaugh.

Strengths: Three-year starter at FSU, Does not have red hair.
Weaknesses: Name insinuates doubt regarding the existance of a living God.

Relevant medical conditions: Suffered season-ending shoulder injury in 2009. Missed…the rest of that season. Suffered swollen bursa sac in throwing elbow in 2010. Went 9 months in 2008 without a single haircut.

Who wants him: Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Jacksonville, Miami, San Fran, everyone else.
Who will take him: Whoever wants a QB after Cam Newton, Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker are off the board.

What the scouts are saying: Accurate, strong footwork, will run in the open field. Actually went to class, earning his MBA before the 2010 season. Will play hurt. Likes to cuddle, especially after those long, drawn out arguments involving negligence of housework.

Immediate impact: Play charts will enjoy improved penmanship, possible conversion to Excel.
Down the road: Just a bursa sac away from being the next Matt Stafford.

Current name: Adriel Jeremiah “A. J.” Green
Position: Wide Receiver
School: Georgia

Age: 22

Height: 6 feet, 3 5/8 inches
Weight: 211 lbs

Nicest comparison: Chad Ochocinco, Randy Moss.
Meanest comparison: Michael Winslow from the “Police Academy” movies.

Strengths: Hand-eye coordination; was on the juggling team in elementary school. Also knows how to ride a unicycle.
Weaknesses: Terrible on trapeeze, has a bearded lady fetish.

Relevant medical conditions: Injured shoulder in 2009, missed three games.

Who wants him: Cincinnati
Who will take him: Cincinnati

What the scouts are saying: Green is a playmaker, but he’s kinda skinny, and really bad at keeping track of his iPod. Scored a 10 on the Wonderlic, but only after using the last page of the exam to remove excess sweat from his balls.

Immediate impact: Sits the bench behind Jordan Shipley.
Down the road: Saves ozone layer, provided it’s either sunny or windy outside.

Current name: Patrick De’mon Peterson
Former name: Patrick Johnson
Future name: De’mon. Just De’mon.

Age: 20

Height: 6′
Weight: 219 lbs

Nicest comparison: Charles Woodson
Meanest comparison: Carlos Rogers (tween draft analysts can be so cruel)

Strengths: Excels in press coverage.
Weaknesses: DERP!

Relevant medical conditions: Selective amnesia.

Who wants him: Dallas
Who will take him: Arizona

What I’m basing this on: Fuck all, as usual. Mostly I just want to see somebody take him before Dallas can. Come on Arizona, You have Max Hall on John Skelton at qb. It’s an embarrassment of riches! Go with the best player available. Who cares if he got a 9 on the Wonderlic? That test is biased against people who read at a fifth grade level.

Immediate impact: Defensive Rookie of the Year
Down the road: Loses all of his money in a Ponzi scheme.

Name: Prince Amukamara
Position: Cornerback and heir to the throne of Zamunda.

College: Nebraska
Major: Political science, although Wikipedia lists it as sociology. I’m pretty sure Wikipedia assumes all college athletes major in sociology.

Age: 22

Height: 6’1″
Weight: 205

Who wants him: Lisa’s sister Patrice.
Who will take him: Dallas.

Entourage: Semmi, Oha, and the chick from Spin City who washes the royal penis. [NSFW]

New Experiences: Recently tied his own shoes for the first time. His father was right, it was an overrated experience.

Mainstream Comparison: Nnamdi Asomugha, and not because their parents were born in the same country. That’s just silly.
KSK Comparison: Antoine Winfield, because he excels in run support and knows how to without simply throwing his body at the ball carrier’s knees.

Immediate impact: Locks down one side of the field for whichever team drafts him.
Down the road: Gets the girl and helps a couple of down on their luck commodity traders get back in the game.

Name: Julio Jones
Much cooler real name: Quintorris Lopez Jones

School: ROLL TAHDE!

Age: 22

Height: 6’3″
Weight: 220

Combine: 4.39 in the 40 and 11’3″ in the broad jump. Oh, and he did that with a broken foot, which should give you an idea of how great he is when healthy. Note: He’s never healthy.

Mainstream comparison: Equal parts Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Irvin, with a dash of cinnamon for flavor.
KSK comparison: Andre Johnson with an expired warranty.

Who wants him: Whoever misses out on A.J. Green.
Who will take him: Washington

Physical freak? Apparently

So he’s a physical freak, but is he a mutant? “He grew so fast he remembers that it made his knees hurt, going from about 5-9 to 6-3 in a few months.” MUUUUUUUUUUUUTANT!

What he thinks “Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard” is about: Some gay shit, probably.

Controversy: He and teammate Mark Ingram once went on a fishing trip that was paid for by a third party. Seems benign, but remember, “fishing trip” is SEC speak for “hooker orgy.”

Immediate impact: A starter from day one.
Down the road: A weekly fixture on his team’s injury report.

Name: John Moffitt

School: Wisconsin
Position: Guard

Height: 6’5″
Weight: 323

KSK Comparisson: The Smails kid

SCORE!

Other eating habits:

One of the features of UW home games, called “Ask the Badgers,” plays on the video replay board and has players giving responses to a question posed by a fan. Last week, they were asked what they would do if they found money lying on the ground.

The best response is saved for last and this time — no surprise — it was Moffitt, who said he would probably eat it, like everything he finds on the ground. The Camp Randall Stadium crowd roared.

Oh man, he’s a Hog! Draft this man, Mr. Snyder.

Name: Cam Newton
Nickname: Killa’ Cam, Slashie

College(s): University of Florida, Blinn College, Mississippi State, Auburn University

Age: 21
Size: 6’6″ 250 lbs.

Bad habits: Constantly putting his name on stuff that doesn’t actually belong to him. Some examples include a laptop, a term paper, and Mount Lee. In his defense, they seemed like good ideas at the time.

Strength: Straight up wreckin’ shit.
Weakness: Showing his work.

40 time: Over or Under 4.6 seconds. What, you don’t bet on this stuff?

Favorite way to start a sentence: “I don’t want to sound arrogant but…”

Mainstream comparison: Teberger.
KSK comparison: LeBron James.

Who wants him: Washington, probably.
Who will take him: By my count there are eight teams in the top 10 that could possibly draft a quarterback. If I’m going to pick one I’ll go with…Tennessee.

Song he swears is about him: Ego by Beyoncé.

Immediate impact: Some shitty team has a new savior.
Down the road: Falls just short of icon status, but manages to entertain.

My super-human intelligence allows me to surf for porn much faster than mere mortals.

Name: Myron Rolle
School: Florida State, 2009. Took a year off to study a broad abroad.

Accolades: Third team All-American in his final season.
Off-field achievements: Studied at Oxford after being named a Rhodes Scholar. This is a very prestigious distinction because these scholarships were founded by a racist, closet-case imperialist who started the blood diamond trade.

Strength: Created the Myron L. Rolle Foundation, which is “dedicated to the support of health, wellness, educational and other charitable initiatives throughout the world that benefit children and families in need.” In other words, it attempts to undo the damages caused by people like Cecil Rhodes.

Weakness: Brian Billick wonders if Rolle’s intellect might cause him to “think too much on the field.” That’s how the NFL likes them: dumb and obedient.

Who wants him: The London Silly Nannies are simply gaga over his taste in ascots. Who’s his haberdasher?

Who will draft him: Maybe no one. Mel Kiper, Jr. questions his dedication to the game, “[T]eams want the guy to be a 24-hour, 365-days-a-year football player.” With all of his outside interests, any team that drafted Rolle could be stuck with another Jack Kemp, Alan Page or Bill Bradley.

Rex Ryan nickname-in-waiting: Encyclofuckingpedia Brown.

Mainsteam media comparison: Macho Harris
KSK comparison: Fonzworth Bentley

Pro: He has his own crest. Do you have your own crest? I thought not.

Con: His trash-talk might be too cerebral to properly frustrate NFL receivers. “I daresay, old sport, your boorish demeanor is reminiscent of that of Australopithecus. Perchance is he of any relation?”

Is he related to Samari Rolle or Antrel Rolle? No.

How about Esther “Florida Evans” Rolle from “Good Times”? We sure hope so.

Name: Dez Bryant
Nickname: None required, his name is Dez.

Age: 21
Mom’s age: 35
Dad’s age: Early 60′s

After careful calculation: Holy statutory!
So is he the child of a rape?: Sure, but it’s not rape rape.

Controversy: Bryant was suspended for the better part of last season after lying to the NCAA about his relationship with NFL analyst/mentor Deion Sanders. The NCAA was curious because Sanders is a well known mentor to many amateur athletes, and he runs a training program geared towards preparing players for pro workouts. He’s also close with his former agent Eugene Parker who also happens to represent another Sanders protege, Michael Crabtree. In the end Bryant’s only transgression was telling an unnecessary lie to a bunch of assholes out of some misguided fear.

Agent: Eugene Parker.
Coincidence?: Totally.

Mainstream comparison: “The next Randy Moss?”
Dez’s comparison: “I would compare myself to Larry Fitzgerald.”
KSK comparison: A slightly bigger Chad Ochocinco with better leaping ability and less elusiveness.

Who wants him: Just about everyone who needs a receiver.
Who will take him: Miami.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Fibbers can’t be trusted, especially the ones who take more than 4.5 seconds to run 40 yards.

Immediate impact: Pretty good for a rookie wide receiver who hasn’t played organized football in a while.
Down the road: As talented as his proponents claim, and more dedicated than his critics alleged him to be. But he’s still not Randy Moss or Larry Fitzgerald.