Name: Chris Howard Long
Nickname: None needed.

Reason to Hate Him Site Unseen: His life has always been, and will always be, better than yours. You know it, he knows it, and your mother knows it.

Father: Howie Long, television personality.
Mother: Teri Hatcher, real and spectacular.

DNA Sample: Gattaca’d

Height: Good.
Weight: Great.
Strength: Grand.

Motor: High.

Mainstream Comparison: Patrick Kerney.
KSK Comparison: Uh…Howie Long?

Who Wants Him: Journalists
Who Will Take Him: St. Louis. But the real contest will be the battle royal between journalists. The last man standing will receive all rights towards any future Chris Long journoporn.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: What, are you fucking kidding me? He’s the golden child. God forbid he should be photographed passed out drunk on The Lawn next to a crusty old longshoreman.

Immediate Impact: Immediately impactful.
Down the Road: Annual Pro Bowl trips, warranted or otherwise.

Height/Weight: Statuesque.
Body Type: After his pro day one NFL coach told KSK (on the condition of anonymity), “that kid’s body makes me harder than an enema from my Puerto Rican nurse.” And that coach was Monte Kiffin.

Early Aspirations: Before football Vernon was a pre-teen body builder. Meaning yes, even a pre-pubescent version of Vernon could kick the living shit out of your pathetic blog reading ass.

Speed: Big Ten-ish.
Muscles: Medium twitch.

Urine Sample: Intensity.
Stool Sample: Steamy.

Who Wants Him: Oakland. But to be fair, they also shown interest in a panda who is purported to have been trained to play right guard.

Immediate Impact: Bone crushing.
Down the Road: A locker filled with enough steroids to stock a Mexican pharmacy.

Previously on Better Know a Draft Pick…
Matt Ryan
Glenn Dorsey
Darren McFadden

Nickname: Run DMC. Sorry Darren, but I hear that name might have already been taken by one of those hippity hop trios out of New York City

Other Nicknames: D-Mac, D-Dawg, Eric Calvi, Butter Boy, and Humanity Advanced.

Rejected Nicknames: McBabyDaddy, Big Mac, Big D, McDeezy

Parents: His mother Mini Muhammad successfully kicked her crack habit, but his father Graylon McFadden left years ago to pursue his dream of opening a bar for insufferable douchebags attending George Washington University.

Siblings: At one point growing up he had one brother in the Crips and one in the Bloods. It was just like that episode of The Brady Bunch when Peter agrees to be Bobby’s slave for life, only Bobby takes advantage of the situation and pisses off Peter to the point where the boys have to divide the bedroom into territories. Yep, just like that episode.

Urine Sample: Clean like a mountain stream.
Sperm Count: 50 million per milliliter, and they all swim like Michael Phelps with flippers.

Cause for Concern: Let’s just say it doesn’t take his kid blowing a mini-golf match to get him in a frilly dress.

And speaking of kids, he may or may not have a few of em.

Mainstream Comparison: Purple Jesus
KSK Comparison: Travis Henry

Who Wants Him: Jerry Jones, no matter what that crazy asshole might tell you.
Who Will Take Him: The Jets, followed by a chorus of white men booing.

Immediate Impact: He’ll hit the ground running.
Down the Road: His body is going to fall apart like a piece of furniture assembled by a clumsy Jew.

Previously on BKADP…
Matt Ryan
Glenn Dorsey

Name: Glenn Jamon Dorsey
Nickname: “Putt”
Origin: A young Glenn was so enraptured by Putt-Putt commercials as a young child he would stand up and walk to the television whenever they come on. He’s also the anonymous author behind Putt’s Law.

Hometown: The Jambalaya Capital of the World, Gonzales, Louisiana.

Height: Tall enough to ride the ride.
Weight: 297? Maybe on Uranus. (ed. note: Uranus!)
Strength: Belied by fat.

Urine Sample: Tangy.
Stool Sample: Still caked on the bathroom floor.
Blood Sample: Red.

Early Setback: Had to wear metal braces as a child to correct bowed legs.

Mainstream Comparison: Warren Sapp
KSK Comparison: Forrest Gump

Strengths: He has the feet of a ballerina. Literally, he ripped off her feet at the ankles in a disturbing display of strength.
Weaknesses: Chop blocks and crawdads.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics: Earlier in the month erroneous reports indicated that Dorsey had a secret knee surgery. Some believed this was the reason Dorsey accumulated a mere 27 tackles and 3 sacks last season, while people who are not total dumbfucks realize that he was triple-teamed more often than Kobe Tai.

The Truth: He doesn’t actually have knees, they just stuffed a bunch of old socks in between his femur and tibia.

Best Known For: Winning the National Championship along with every collegiate award imaginable for a defensive player.

Who Wants Him: Cincinnati
Who Will Take Him:Oakland

Favorite Food: Buffet

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He dabbles as a motivational speaker, for kids! His inspirational overriding message, “dream big,” comes from an influential dream he had about eating the world’s most glazed ham.

Immediate Impact: An explosive force.
Down the Road: A pronounced limp.

Previously on BKADP: Matt Ryan

Name: Matt Ryan
Nickname: Matty Ice

Easy Reasons to Hate Him Sight Unseen: Did you see that fucking nickname? Then there’s the issue of the two first names. I bet he enjoys a good balcony party.

Height: Plenty
Weight: Enough

Arm: Yes.
Speed: No.
Head: Wicked clevah!
Intangibles: Still unquantifiable.

Urine Sample: Golden.
Stool Sample: Smooth under extreme pressure.
Blood Sample: Blue.

Mainstream Comparison: Tom Brady
KSK Comparison: Joe from Team America

Best Known For: Overblown comebacks, beating crappy teams in bowl games, padding stats against really crappy teams, and leadership.

Who Wants Him: Kansas City loves his ability to win games for bad teams.

Who Will Take Him: Atlanta loves him because he’s safer than your girlfriend’s gay shopping buddy.

Hobbies: 94, 51, 56, and the one on the far right…

Campus Hangout: Planned Parenthood

Favorite Food: Chowdah!

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He’s from small-town Pennsylvania, he attended a prestigious Quaker high school, he attended a prestigious Catholic college, and he emits a distinct odor of apple pie.

Immediate Impact: Jersey sales amongst downtrodden fans.
Down the Road: Another generic disappointment.

Name: Adrian “Gap Filler” Peterson

Height: Tall

Weight: Svelte

Fleet of Foot?: Walks on water–and it’s not a trick.

Hometown: Palestine (/…backs away slowly…), Texas (/runs for life)

Urine Sample: High levels of old lady calcium chocolates

Stool Sample: CHUNKY!

Criticisms: He’s no Adrian Peterson

Mainstream Comparison: Shaun Alexander? My ass! If anything he’s like Deuce McAllister when he came out. They have the same size, same upright style, and same health concerns (for the record I thought Deuce was the best player in that draft…stupid LT). Sorry to go all analytical on you right there, let me make it up to you with a picture of a pinup on a donkey.

KSK Comparison: Charles Rogers

Adrian’s Comparison: “I would say LT, just as far as vision and cuts and how he runs the ball.” (ed. note: [cough]BULLSHIT[/cough])

Who’s Interested: Radiologists everywhere

Who Will Take Him: Buzzsaw. Why? Why the fuck not, that’s why.

Ambition: Double last year’s income; overcome vertigo.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He was soooo good four years ago!

Immediate Impact: I kid around but he’s a fucking stud. Seriously, he fucks horses for money.

Down the Road: Crippling arthritis

NOTE: To prepare you for the draft, we’re having a light bukkake day today. So stick around for multiple posts.

Name: Mason Crosby

Height: Taller than Jackie Mason, shorter than David Crosby
Body Type: Right thigh bigger than mole on Ginny Sack’s ass
Speed: 8.3 (sidelines to ball spot)

Urine Sample: Good trajectory, stream tends to fade right
Stool Sample: Tiny pieces of Martin Gramatica

Criticisms: Doesn’t follow through when kicking longer field goals, jerking off

Mainstream Comparison: Sebastian Janikowski
KSK Comparison: Nigel “The Leg” Gruff

Who’s Interested: His mother, other kickers

Who Will Take Him: The Falcons. Need rookie to kick off, attempt long field goals, escort Morten Andersen to and from Buckhead Assisted Living Facility

Honors: Runner-up for Lou Groza Award in 2005. Didn’t stab teammate in the leg like backup punter at other school in Colorado

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Has to hit 60 golf balls at a driving range two days before every game. This will lead to the following conversation:

BERMAN: Mason “Bing” Crosby! Looks like whoever drafts him will have to hold a celebrity golf tournament.

JAWORSKI: Another kooky kicker, Boomer.

BERMAN: I keek a touchdown!

(Cut to highlight of Garo Yepremian throwing interception in Super Bowl VII)

Ambitions: Not fucking up just enough to make $30 million in career kicking a football five times a week.

Projection: Drafted in third round. Subject of 43 newspaper profiles speculating whether he can break NFL field-goal record of 63 yards. Forgotten until misses first potential game-winning kick. Gang-raped by offensive line when misses another. Released when misses third. Plays seven seasons for Laredo Lobos of afl2.

Name: Adam Gaines Gaines Adams

Height: Tall
Body Type: Longer than the SG’s diary
Speed: Good enough

Urine Sample: Shwaggy
Stool Sample: Soft and lacking bulk

Criticisms: Soft and lacking bulk

Mainstream Comparison: Jevon Kearse
KSK Comparison: Simeon Rice – the douchebaggery

Who’s Interested: The camera guy in the green room

Who Will Take Him: The Vikings. He’s the one piece that could make all the difference between a two-win season and a three-win season.

Honors: People have been riding his jock for quite some time. His CSTV bio tells us that Gaines was named “…first-team preseason All-American according to Playboy, Lindy’s, and Phil Steele.” Now this is just a guess but I’d say that’s a nudie magazine, a strip club, and an aging porn star. Not too shabby.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He admitted to smoking marijuana so now we get to hear all of their fucking analysts talk about weed more than yours truly. Fuck steroids, binge drinking, and unprotected sex with skanky co-eds–these Kottonmouth Kings are a bunch of midnight tokers! (multi-generational musical fun!)

Ambitions: Doin’ coke, drinkin’ beers. Drinkin’ beers, beers beers. Rollin’ fatties, smokin’ blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts.
Fav Hangout: In between a convenience store and a video store

Fav Food: Whatever’s special
Biggest Fear: Evil Bong

Immediate Impact: Automaic insertion into the league’s substance abuse program will not stop him from knocking the shit out of quarterbacks in his rookie year (Goodell: HGH isn’t a substance if I can’t see it!).

Down the Road:

Pray for him.

Height: Tall
Weight: Don’t stand on the tracks when the train’s coming through.

40 Time: 4.33 seconds…uphill…in his girl’s UGGs
Broad Jump: Cleared 11 broads plus 3 dames and a lass.

Urine Sample: Gold smelt
Stool Sample: Smells like Cinnabon at the airport

Mainstream Comparison: Roy Williams
KSK Comparison: A light-skinned Jesus of Nazareth

Who Wants Him: Don’t kid yourselves, Matt Millen and Al Davis are sporting a combined three inches of petrified wood just thinking about him.

Who Will Take Him: Tampa (but only if he agrees to play quarterback)

Hobbies: Pissing on Chevy logos/defensive backs

Favorite Food: Stem cells

Favorite Quotation: A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food.

Mortal Enemy: Hack Man

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He spent last summer building shit holes in a South American shithole.

Immediate Impact: Remember Randy Moss? (it’s ok if you don’t, just click here). Now imagine a him with a good attitude and without Micheal Ray Richardson’s lawyers on retainer.

Down the Road: After a record-shattering career in the NFL he fades into Boliva. He could be the first person enshrined in Canton and Saint Peter’s Basilica (as long as PK and Pastabelly are cool with it).

Name: Amobi Okoye-not a Jew…yet

Height: He’d offer you a ride in his limo, but he’s got to stretch his shit out. He’s a tall drink of water, don’t want to wrinkle anything.
Weight: 21.5 Stones

Urine Sample: Excellence
Stool Sample: Smells like Calvin Klein’s Obsession…for Teeth Ass

Mainstream Comparison: Adewale Ogunleye (real original guys!)
KSK Comparison: Harold Wormser

Who Wants Him: ME! I think I’m developing a new man-crush.
Who Will Take Him: If he doesn’t come willingly I will take him by force.

Hobbies: The same as any red-blooded 19 year old… Going to R rated movies without a parent or guardian, drinking, voting, tobacco products, renting cars, military service, making sexy time with 17 year-olds, and jury duty.
Favorite Food: The Souls of Black Folk…or was that his favorite book? My notes are a bit messy but the book makes a bit more sense.
Favorite Expression: Cellar door

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He started high school at the age of twelve because he was so fucking smart after moving from Nigeria (suck on that you racist internet trolls!) Then he played every game as a 16 year-old frosh at Louisville while taking on a course load that would make a Wyatt Sexton go off the deep end. He graduated at the age of 19 after 3.5 years making him the smartest person in the history of Kentucky not named Flubby, Mrs. Flubby, Lil’ Gusflub, or Colonel Sanders.

Immediate Impact: Dick Vermeil thinks he’ll be great as soon as he loses the diapers.

Down the Road: Because he’s starting his career at such a young age he’s going to hit free agency at the age of 24. Most guys sign that contract when they’re 26 or 27. As long as he puts together a good career he’s looking at a rookie contract and three big time veteran contracts. Hey Amobi, you’re going to need a damn good (read: Jewish) agent. So, uh…challah at a brother!

Update: It looks like Dan Snyder is once again driving me to the ledge. Instead of drafting my boy Okoye he wants to trade for Lance Briggs. So who would you rather have on your team, the gifted, brilliant, young lineman or the guy who keeps threatening to initiate Operation Shutdown? All of these great linebackers from the U of A and we have to go after this douche? Why didn’t we just keep Antonio Pierce? FUCK!