Name: Kelechi Osemele

Age: 22

Position: Offensive tackle

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Name: Riley Reiff

Age: 23

Position: Offensive tackle

Height: 6’6″

Weight: 313 lbs

School: Iowa

Major: Interdepartmental studies. Corn and frottage to be exact.

Combine revelations: Suffers from t-rex arms, and isn’t that strong.

Twitter: Arms can’t reach the keyboard.

Potential Berman nicknames: Ramblin’

Nicest comparison: Joe Staley

Meanest comparison: Some offensive lineman you’ve never heard of.

Strengths: Athleticism

About that: Reiff was all state (South Dakota is a state) on both sides of the ball (tight end and defensive end) in high school. He also won multiple state titles in wrestling, competed on the track team, and lettered in golf. Ha. Golf. What a pussy.

/lettered in golf and nothing else because he is a pussy

Weaknesses: Lacks get away from the cops speed.

About that: He was busted for public intoxication as a freshman after stripping off most of his clothing and leading 8 police officers on a 20-minute foot chase through a Pita Pit in Iowa City.

Interesting tidbit: 20-MINUTE HALF-NAKED FOOT CHASE

Who wants him: Arizona

Who will take him: Buffalo

What the scouts are saying:

Immediate impact: Moves from left tackle to right.

Down the road: Fails to meet expectations because they are stored in the way back of the cabinet above the stove.

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Name: Michael Floyd

Age: 22

Position: Wide receiver

School: Notre Dame

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Name: Dontari Poe
Age: 21

Position: Defensive tackle

School: Memphis
Year: Junior

Size: Large

Twitter: @bigpoe74

Car: Hummer

Potential Berman nicknames: Poe Toaster

Combine performance: The lone reason for this here profile. Poe, a rather sizable human, ran a sub-5.0 40 and put up 44 reps in the bench press. The workout was called “epic” by Todd McShay. Here is a quick list of other things McShay has described as epic in the last week.

-Last night’s bar crawl
-His season 1 DVD of Franklin & Bash
-His bros
-This one blowjob he got back in college
-The return of Punk’d
-An omelet
-John Carter
-Boobs

Has Obama talked about him: Yes. Not so special now, are you Aziz?

Nicest comparison: Haloti Ngata
Meanest comparison: Ryan Sims

Strengths: Measurables
Weaknesses: Actual performance

Who wants him: Pittsburgh
Who will take him: Whoever watches the least film

What scouts are saying:

Immediate impact: Dominates mini-camp
Down the road: Cut

Name: Ryan Tannehill
Age: 23

Used to play: Wide receiver
Currently plays: Quarterback
Wants to play: Doctor

School: TAMU
Year: Redshirt Senior

Major: Biology

Height: 6’4″
Weight: 221

Twitter: Boring
Wife’s Twitter: Crushing it

Biggest fan: This guy, probably.

Strangest comparison: Ryan Fitzpatrick
Most SEO’d comparison: Tim Tebow

Opposite of: Matt Jones

Strengths: Running the bootleg, a compact release, and good accuracy on intermediate routes
Weaknesses: Mechanics, downfield accuracy, and game management

Why anyone would draft him in the top 10: Desperation
Who will take him: Miami (see above)

Interesting tidbit: When his playing career is over Ryan wants to form a doctor/nurse team with his wife.

What scouts are saying:

Immediate impact: Promising clipboard holder

Down the road: Maybe he can still catch

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Name: Trent Richardson
Age: 21

School: ROLL TIDE
Year: Junior

Position: Running back

Height: 5’11″
Weight: 224

Major: Undeclared

Twitter: Nope

Family: Two daughters (5 and 3). Looks like Mr. Cool Football Guy had lots of sex in high school.

Combine results: Did not participate due to knee surgery.

Injury history: Tore ligaments in his ankle as a high school freshman. Tore ligaments in the other ankle as a high school sophomore.

Nicest comparison: Earl Campbell (1978)
Meanest comparison: Earl Campbell (1984)
Most even-handed comparison: Michael Turner
Most murderous comparison: OJ Simpsons
Definitely better than: Mark Ingram

Strengths: Speed, power, change of direction, video game jukes.

Weaknesses: Cuddly elephants.

Who wants him: Tampa Bay.
Who will take him: Cleveland, because drafting a running back in the top five seems like something they’d do.

What scouts are saying:

Immediate impact: Enters the NFL as a complete three-down back.
Down the road: Gets the franchise tag after his rookie contract is up, holds out, then eventually gets paid just as he starts to slow down.

Name: Matt Kalil
Age: 22

School: USC
Year: Redshirt junior

Position: Left tackle

Height: 6’6 3/8″
Weight: 306 lbs

Position he wanted to play: Quarterback
Reason he’s not playing quarterback: His dad don’t teach quarterbackin’.

Twitter: @MattKalil

Father: Frank, a former lineman in the USFL.
Mother: Cheryl, a former Miss California winner.
Brother: Ryan Kalil, a current lineman in the NFL.
Sister-In-Law: The confused Song Girl.
Sister: Danille, kinda nipple-y.

Major: Some bullsh*t

Potential Berman Nicknames: The Prophet

Combine results: Slower (4.99 40-yard dash) and weaker (30 reps) than Ryan (4.94/34)

Nicest comparison: Joe Thomas
Meanest comparison: Not applicable

Strengths: Footwork and recognition
Weaknesses: Lacks bulk to defend against the bull rush.

Who wants him: Minnesota and everyone drafting after Minnesota in case they pass.
Who will take him: Minnesota, because they aren’t dumb enough to leave a franchise left tackle on the board, last years selection of Christian Ponder notwithstanding.

What scouts are saying:

Immediate impact: One of the better pass blockers in the league.
Down the road: Perennial Pro Bowler

Name: Morris “Mo” Claiborne
Age: 22

Position: Cornerback

School: “DBU”
Year: Junior

Major: Etudes Générales (it sounds better in French)

Twitter: @MoClaiborne, but he’s not very good at it…

Potential Berman nickname: “Dolores”

Combine results: He made up for a somewhat disappointing 40 time (4.5) with the athleticism he flashed in drills.

Nicest comparison: Champ Bailey
Meanest comparison: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie

Strengths: Looser hips than Dez Bryant’s mother.
Weaknesses: Doesn’t tackle well enough to collect on bounties.

Who wants him: Tampa Bay, Washington, Carolina
Who will take him: Tampa Bay, because he’s a dominant corner who has never tried to shoot anyone.

What scouts are saying:

Immediate impact: Immediate favorite to win Defensive Player of the Year

Down the road: Puts on a bit of bulk and becomes a franchise corner for a decade or so

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Name: Justin Blackmon
Age: One year younger than Dez Bryant

Position: Wide receiver

School: The place where Dez Bryant played
Year: Redshirt Junior

Relative size according to Peter King: Bigger than a tall but not quite grande-ish.

Twitter: @JustBlack81

Potential Berman nicknames: “Mars” Blackmon, Justin “Credible” (which he will assume is original)

Combine results: He didn’t run the 40 and he’s not really 6’1″. Scouts were displeased.

Nicest comparison: Dez Bryant
Meanest comparison: A smaller, slower, and less explosive Dez Bryant
By which we mean: Michael Crabtree

Strengths: Ball skills, route running
Weaknesses: Lacks Dezitude

Arrests: Misdemeanor DUI

Dez was so disappointed.

Good deed that offsets character concerns:

Who wants him: St. Louis
Who will take him: St. Louis, after they trade down for four draft picks and an owner’s yacht

What scouts are saying:

Immediate impact: Sam Bradford still sucks

Down the road: Still not Dez Bryant

Name: Robert Griffin III
Age: 22

Position: Quarterback

School: Bay-lor
Year: Redshirt Junior

Bachelors degree: Political Science
Graduate degree: Masters in Communication coming soon

Height: 6’2″
Weight: 220 lbs

Son of a: Robert Griffin

Twitter: Can’t tweet, must study.

Potential Berman nicknames: Robert “Don’t Call Me Archie/Merv/Blake” Griffin, Three’s Company

Nicest comparison: Cam Newton
Meanest comparison: Andre Ware (of which there are plenty).
Colorblind analyst comparison: Steve Young

Strengths: Universal likability.
Weaknesses: Not Jewish (I’m reaching here).

Loved by: Blogger bros.
Hated by: The Media Takeout Betty patrol.

Sad anecdote that only makes him more likable: From Pablo Torre’s SI profile…

Back at the Student Union, Griffin is still attempting to pull skeletons out of his closet. All that comes out, though, are action figures—a collection of about 1,000 (Dragon Ball Z, X-Men, pro wrestling). He keeps about 200 in a bag in his off-campus apartment but hasn’t actually played with any of them since enrolling in college. “After a while,” Griffin laments, “you just lose your imagination.”

Awwww-esome.

Relevant medical conditions: Tore an ACL in ’09

Interesting tidbit: Griffin proposed to his girlfriend by serenading her following a win over Kansas State, leaving us to wonder if he would have gone through with it had Baylor lost.

Totally random picture that pops up in Google Image Search: Barry Horowitz*

/pats self on the back for doing such extensive research

Who wants him: Washington and Cleveland
Who will take him: Cleveland
Why not Washington?: Because Mike Shanahan is positive that Rex Grossman is on the verge of a breakout year.

What scouts are saying: Let me sum it up with a word cloud of my own creation.

Immediate impact: “We finally have a quarterback!” -fans in Cleveland or Washington

Down the road: “Hey, this asshole isn’t entirely perfect!” -fans in Cleveland or Washington