Name: Blaine Gabbert
Position: Quarterback
School: Missourah

Potential Berman nicknames: “Plain” Blaine Gabbert, Blaine “Yo Gabba” Gabbert

Age: 21
Height: 6’5″
Weight: 234

Twitter: @BlaineGabbert (most common tweets revolve around the three f’s: food, fishing, and family)

Nicest comparison: Matt Ryan.
Meanest comparison: Tom Brady’s hairline.

Strengths: Ironing. Looking quarterbackish.
Weaknesses: Accuracy.

Relevant medical conditions: Suffers from Tony Kornheiser disease.

Interesting tidbit: Quite possibly the most quintessential American in the draft, judging from his Plixi account.

Who wants him: Tennessee
Who will take him: Arizona, or one of the five other teams drafting ahead of Tennessee who happen to need a quarterback.

What the scouts are saying: That Blaine Gabbert sure is a nice fella. I should give him my daughter’s number. And I don’t mean the ugly one.

Immediate impact: Hope.
Down the road: Congress.

Name: Christian Ponder
Position: Quarterback
School: Florida State

Age: 23

Height: 6 feet, 3 inches
Weight: 228 lbs

Nicest comparison: A more cerebral Matt Leinart.
Meanest comparison: An autistic Jim Harbaugh.

Strengths: Three-year starter at FSU, Does not have red hair.
Weaknesses: Name insinuates doubt regarding the existance of a living God.

Relevant medical conditions: Suffered season-ending shoulder injury in 2009. Missed…the rest of that season. Suffered swollen bursa sac in throwing elbow in 2010. Went 9 months in 2008 without a single haircut.

Who wants him: Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Jacksonville, Miami, San Fran, everyone else.
Who will take him: Whoever wants a QB after Cam Newton, Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker are off the board.

What the scouts are saying: Accurate, strong footwork, will run in the open field. Actually went to class, earning his MBA before the 2010 season. Will play hurt. Likes to cuddle, especially after those long, drawn out arguments involving negligence of housework.

Immediate impact: Play charts will enjoy improved penmanship, possible conversion to Excel.
Down the road: Just a bursa sac away from being the next Matt Stafford.

Current name: Adriel Jeremiah “A. J.” Green
Position: Wide Receiver
School: Georgia

Age: 22

Height: 6 feet, 3 5/8 inches
Weight: 211 lbs

Nicest comparison: Chad Ochocinco, Randy Moss.
Meanest comparison: Michael Winslow from the “Police Academy” movies.

Strengths: Hand-eye coordination; was on the juggling team in elementary school. Also knows how to ride a unicycle.
Weaknesses: Terrible on trapeeze, has a bearded lady fetish.

Relevant medical conditions: Injured shoulder in 2009, missed three games.

Who wants him: Cincinnati
Who will take him: Cincinnati

What the scouts are saying: Green is a playmaker, but he’s kinda skinny, and really bad at keeping track of his iPod. Scored a 10 on the Wonderlic, but only after using the last page of the exam to remove excess sweat from his balls.

Immediate impact: Sits the bench behind Jordan Shipley.
Down the road: Saves ozone layer, provided it’s either sunny or windy outside.

Current name: Patrick De’mon Peterson
Former name: Patrick Johnson
Future name: De’mon. Just De’mon.

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Name: Prince Amukamara
Position: Cornerback and heir to the throne of Zamunda.

College: Nebraska
Major: Political science, although Wikipedia lists it as sociology. I’m pretty sure Wikipedia assumes all college athletes major in sociology.

Age: 22

Height: 6’1″
Weight: 205

Who wants him: Lisa’s sister Patrice.
Who will take him: Dallas.

Entourage: Semmi, Oha, and the chick from Spin City who washes the royal penis. [NSFW]

New Experiences: Recently tied his own shoes for the first time. His father was right, it was an overrated experience.

Mainstream Comparison: Nnamdi Asomugha, and not because their parents were born in the same country. That’s just silly.
KSK Comparison: Antoine Winfield, because he excels in run support and knows how to without simply throwing his body at the ball carrier’s knees.

Immediate impact: Locks down one side of the field for whichever team drafts him.
Down the road: Gets the girl and helps a couple of down on their luck commodity traders get back in the game.

Name: Julio Jones
Much cooler real name: Quintorris Lopez Jones

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Name: John Moffitt

School: Wisconsin
Position: Guard

Height: 6’5″
Weight: 323

KSK Comparisson: The Smails kid

SCORE!

Other eating habits:

One of the features of UW home games, called “Ask the Badgers,” plays on the video replay board and has players giving responses to a question posed by a fan. Last week, they were asked what they would do if they found money lying on the ground.

The best response is saved for last and this time — no surprise — it was Moffitt, who said he would probably eat it, like everything he finds on the ground. The Camp Randall Stadium crowd roared.

Oh man, he’s a Hog! Draft this man, Mr. Snyder.

Welcome to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we’ll profile the prospects who are worth knowing better.

Name: Cam Newton
Nickname: Killa’ Cam, Slashie

College(s): University of Florida, Blinn College, Mississippi State, Auburn University

Age: 21
Size: 6’6″ 250 lbs.

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My super-human intelligence allows me to surf for porn much faster than mere mortals.

Name: Myron Rolle
School: Florida State, 2009. Took a year off to study a broad abroad.

Accolades: Third team All-American in his final season.
Off-field achievements: Studied at Oxford after being named a Rhodes Scholar. This is a very prestigious distinction because these scholarships were founded by a racist, closet-case imperialist who started the blood diamond trade.

Strength: Created the Myron L. Rolle Foundation, which is “dedicated to the support of health, wellness, educational and other charitable initiatives throughout the world that benefit children and families in need.” In other words, it attempts to undo the damages caused by people like Cecil Rhodes.

Weakness: Brian Billick wonders if Rolle’s intellect might cause him to “think too much on the field.” That’s how the NFL likes them: dumb and obedient. Read the rest of this entry »

Name: Dez Bryant
Nickname: None required, his name is Dez.

Age: 21
Mom’s age: 35
Dad’s age: Early 60′s

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