Kissing Suzy Kolber » bert flacco

Maybe This is Tirico’s Way of Celebrating Sesame Street’s 40th Anniversary

Christmas Ape — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:14:39 +0000

It makes you wonder how Flacco didn’t make this post.

The Browns are hanging with the Ravens through the first quarter, even if that isn’t likely to continue. Making Bawlmer burn their entire complement of first half timeouts in eight minutes will probably be the top Cleveland accomplishment of the evening, not that the Ravens will really need them. Mike Tirico did sneak in a Bert Flacco reference, however, which can’t begin to atone for Gruden dubbing (before even kickoff, mind you) Jarret Johnson “The Anvil,” Terrell Suggs “Clubber Lang” and Ray Lewis “The Master of Disaster” but then with this booth you take anything worthwhile you can get.

UPDATE: Upon further review, I suppose Tirico is saying “Birk-Flacco”. That’s what I get for thinking anyone in this booth could say something halfway interesting.

Your Sunday in Review: No One Cares About the World Series, Especially Dan Levy

Christmas Ape — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 01:27:55 +0000

We abandoned the the Friday Five based on your overwhelming desire to see scantily clad women you could easily find on a Google image search, but because we are loath to abandon established ideas, here are five things we enjoyed about the Sunday that was. There would be more, but the NFL slunk away from an easy victory in the ratings over Game 4 over the World Series because, who knows? We’re too busy trying to figure out if Miles “Baraka” Austin is actually a white guy.

1. Gus Johnson saying Chris Johnson ran “like he was being chased by the cops” after his 52-yard TD scamper against the Jags in the 3rd quarter.

2. Ravens fans carping about the refs even when they’re winning. Not that complaining about the officiating isn’t a constant state of being for Ravens fans.

3. Brittfar’s coquettish wink at the Brittfar Cam because Brittfar must be accepting of all the Brittfar love that the media must lavish reflexively on Brittfar

4. Joe Flacco’s triple salchow into a sack. The Steelers judge gives it a 2.0.

5. St. Louis trickeration to defeat the Detroit Lions in order to avoid becoming the next Detroit Lions.

Were You Aware? Breast Cancer is a Disease the NFL Exploits for Cheap Positive PR

Christmas Ape — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 15:41:32 +0000

The Ratbirds and the Greatriots mark the lone interesting match-up of the early slate on this, the pinko Sunday. The Ravens lead the AFC in scoring (playing Kansas City and Cleveland at home in two of your games will help with that) yet have scored a total of six points in their two previous trips to Foxboro. Meanwhile, Welkaaahhh is returning! So long Jewkah! Dr. Underneath has to make his rounds.

/has 2012-esque fantasy of ground opening up and swallowing the stadium during this game

Sweet jizzing robot Jesus, the rest of these early games suck.

When the Bucs and Redskins play, sticking pink in the endzone is the last place capable of raising awareness.

Also, that’s Breast CANCER Awareness Sunday, Berman.

Freudian slips are a tragic upshot of deux-deux-deux abuse.

Battle for Ohio! Winner gets the loser’s squalor!

Edgerrin James returns to Indy! Nate Burleson is a fantasy stud. What enticing storylines to get me to tuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Injuries have forced me to choose between starting Chad Henne and Matt Cassel on one of my fantasy teams. The difference between the three and negative two points I get could be a critical one. C’mon Giants, let’s give up a first down before midway through the 3rd quarter.

Gay Zorro ripped the Raiders this week, telling the world what it already knew about the organization’s numerous dysfunctions. Meanwhile, the Raiders travel to Houston and if Nnamdi could somehow allow Matt Schaub’s torrid pace to continue apace, it’d be greatly appreciated.

Greg Olsen’s mom was once diagnosed with breast cancer, but Jay Cutler’s never been let into a threesome with her and the tight end, so he’s all, “Yeah, that’s bad, I guess. She gonna be all right. I mean, I dunno. I’ve been through worse. Whatever.”

UPDATE: Oops. Forgot to fob off a line about the forgettable Jags-Titans contest. IT’S ONLY BECAUSE JACK DEL RIO WOULDN’T LET ME!

KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Ookie Returns

Christmas Ape — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:55:38 +0000

“Well, okay, but only since the white guy asked nice.”

Michael Vick has been “conditionally reinstated” by Roger Goodell, the condition being that Goodell is referred to as “uncle” by Vick on all occasions. Or on the condition he plays while carrying a purse with a chihuahua inside. On the condition that he makes an uncredited cameo in “Who Dat Ninja 2″. Actually, conditions will change based solely on Goodell’s whims. Hope that’s okay, Ookie.

First Cuts has a rundown on the soundtrack of the new Madden game, which, even though it’s been fairly tolerable the last few years, EA decided to overhaul its usual format in favor of giving the game a playlist fit for a 10th Guitar Hero game. (Korn, Slipknot AND Cypress Hill? It’s like the Family Values Tour on the 30-yard line!) Before you get too bummed, there are still the requisite “it’s obvious the record label paid Electronic Arts handsomely to get these artists in the game” tracks. So, welcome, Set Your Goals.

According to US Weekly, Tony Romo has instructed his top-flight security team of smiling former Blackwater operatives to keep Jessica Simpson’s goldbrickin’ ass out of his ~~beach front community~~ gated compound. It’s possible she’ll stand outside the gates Lloyd Dobler-like blasting her own music until she’s gunned down in a pool of her own blood that Papa Joe will then roll around in lasciviously, but not possible enough.

Apparently Michael David Smith thinks the Eagles will be good this year. A rare decisive stance.

Joe Flacco is taking the Derrick Mason not-quite-retirement limbo a little hard. Now that Drew Bennett’s two-day career with Baltimore is over, the Ravens may look toward Matt Jones, MarHar, Brandon Marshall or possibly go on a radical law-abiding route and land generally useless receiver D.J. Hackett to take up space.

Christmas Ape — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 21:30:21 +0000

SOON THEY’LL ELECT A UNIBROW TO BE MAYOR. The Bawlmer Orioles Beisbol Club selected Mike Flacco, the younger brother of one Joe Flacco, in the 31st round of the MLB Draft. Before you know it, all Jersey inhabitants will be called upon to save Baltimore sports. However, upon further inspection, Mike doesn’t seem to have as prominent a unibrow as his older brother, but he did play for a baseball team that borrowed the Buzzsaw logo. FIX YO BIRD ALLEGIANCE!

Godspeed, Little Doodle

Christmas Ape — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:31:37 +0000

Joe Flacco, the starting Ravens quarterback and last keeper of the Frida Kahlo bloodline, is auctioning off a signed doodle of himself to support Neurofibromatosis, Inc. It’s a classy move, though the spartan stick figure character has, to date, only drawn a whopping $47 in bids. To further spur potential donors, Flacco decided to snazz up his uninspired design a little bit. Will it work? You be the judge.

Well, I dunno. There’s certainly more to it now, but it’s almost a little too busy. Perhaps simplicity was the way to go.

But wait – what’s this? He’s throwing in a bonus doodle! What a mensch.

The NFL Needs a Hero

Captain Caveman — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 16:48:20 +0000

Please please please beat the Steelers, RoboFlaccoCop on a unicorn.

Who Left All These Shoes All Over the Miamikkake?

Christmas Ape — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 16:30:48 +0000

Day two of Wild Card weekend opens with two AFC teams fond of employing gimmick plays and crazed linebackers. If the teams can negotiate a playing field draped in shoes, it’s to their credit.

Of course, it’s a homecoming of sorts for the Ravens, since half their starters went to the U. Okay, just McGahee, Ray-Ray and Ed Reed, otherwise known as the only Ravens anyone gives a shit about (except Bawlmer fans – they love their Matt Stover! That and McGahee sucks).

So join us in some retarded commentary. Otherwise

THAT’S DISRESPECT!

And Peezy ain’t havin’ that.

It Finally Happened! I Stared At Derrick Mason Too Long!

Christmas Ape — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 20:30:11 +0000

Coach Harbaugh warned me what would happen, but he’s the only receiver I trust. I should have heeded his stern warnings. Sure, Mark Clayton made some insane catches against the Bengals, but I faced tougher defenses in Division II 1-AA football. Mason’s my boy!

Months and months of staring down Derrick Mason over every dropback has fixed his image in my mind permanently. I can’t shake it.

Just the other day, I went to the CVS to pick out some more eyebrow wax, and I get up to the cashier and I see this.

I almost fell off the endcap of tacky Baltimore Christmas gewgaws. Luckily, my mind came to after a few seconds, but every time he appears it’s longer. By the end of the season, who knows if he’ll go away at all.

Sure, seeing Derrick open on the football field is a welcome sight, but I really don’t need him occupying my every thought. Soon, I won’t be able to watch movies.

Or even the news.

I mean, we could run Le’Ron McClain and Ray Rice on every play. They’re pretty good. But sooner or later we’re gonna have to pass the ball. And that means more and more searing Derrick into my unconscious. Goddammit, why does Todd Heap have to stay in and block? I need someone else to lock onto!

Could be worse, I guess. It could be Barbara Mikulski. Jesus. Why does every woman in Baltimore look like her?