It makes you wonder how Flacco didn’t make this post.

The Browns are hanging with the Ravens through the first quarter, even if that isn’t likely to continue. Making Bawlmer burn their entire complement of first half timeouts in eight minutes will probably be the top Cleveland accomplishment of the evening, not that the Ravens will really need them. Mike Tirico did sneak in a Bert Flacco reference, however, which can’t begin to atone for Gruden dubbing (before even kickoff, mind you) Jarret Johnson “The Anvil,” Terrell Suggs “Clubber Lang” and Ray Lewis “The Master of Disaster” but then with this booth you take anything worthwhile you can get.

UPDATE: Upon further review, I suppose Tirico is saying “Birk-Flacco”. That’s what I get for thinking anyone in this booth could say something halfway interesting.

We abandoned the the Friday Five based on your overwhelming desire to see scantily clad women you could easily find on a Google image search, but because we are loath to abandon established ideas, here are five things we enjoyed about the Sunday that was. There would be more, but the NFL slunk away from an easy victory in the ratings over Game 4 over the World Series because, who knows? We’re too busy trying to figure out if Miles “Baraka” Austin is actually a white guy.

1. Gus Johnson saying Chris Johnson ran “like he was being chased by the cops” after his 52-yard TD scamper against the Jags in the 3rd quarter.

2. Ravens fans carping about the refs even when they’re winning. Not that complaining about the officiating isn’t a constant state of being for Ravens fans.

3. Brittfar’s coquettish wink at the Brittfar Cam because Brittfar must be accepting of all the Brittfar love that the media must lavish reflexively on Brittfar

4. Joe Flacco’s triple salchow into a sack. The Steelers judge gives it a 2.0.

5. St. Louis trickeration to defeat the Detroit Lions in order to avoid becoming the next Detroit Lions.

The Ratbirds and the Greatriots mark the lone interesting match-up of the early slate on this, the pinko Sunday. The Ravens lead the AFC in scoring (playing Kansas City and Cleveland at home in two of your games will help with that) yet have scored a total of six points in their two previous trips to Foxboro. Meanwhile, Welkaaahhh is returning! So long Jewkah! Dr. Underneath has to make his rounds.

/has 2012-esque fantasy of ground opening up and swallowing the stadium during this game

Sweet jizzing robot Jesus, the rest of these early games suck.

When the Bucs and Redskins play, sticking pink in the endzone is the last place capable of raising awareness.

Also, that’s Breast CANCER Awareness Sunday, Berman.

Freudian slips are a tragic upshot of deux-deux-deux abuse.

Greg Olsen’s mom was once diagnosed with breast cancer, but Jay Cutler’s never been let into a threesome with her and the tight end, so he’s all, “Yeah, that’s bad, I guess. She gonna be all right. I mean, I dunno. I’ve been through worse. Whatever.”

UPDATE: Oops. Forgot to fob off a line about the forgettable Jags-Titans contest. IT’S ONLY BECAUSE JACK DEL RIO WOULDN’T LET ME!

SOON THEY’LL ELECT A UNIBROW TO BE MAYOR. The Bawlmer Orioles Beisbol Club selected Mike Flacco, the younger brother of one Joe Flacco, in the 31st round of the MLB Draft. Before you know it, all Jersey inhabitants will be called upon to save Baltimore sports. However, upon further inspection, Mike doesn’t seem to have as prominent a unibrow as his older brother, but he did play for a baseball team that borrowed the Buzzsaw logo. FIX YO BIRD ALLEGIANCE!

Joe Flacco, the starting Ravens quarterback and last keeper of the Frida Kahlo bloodline, is auctioning off a signed doodle of himself to support Neurofibromatosis, Inc. It’s a classy move, though the spartan stick figure character has, to date, only drawn a whopping $47 in bids. To further spur potential donors, Flacco decided to snazz up his uninspired design a little bit. Will it work? You be the judge.

(more…)

Please please please beat the Steelers, RoboFlaccoCop on a unicorn.

Day two of Wild Card weekend opens with two AFC teams fond of employing gimmick plays and crazed linebackers. If the teams can negotiate a playing field draped in shoes, it’s to their credit.

Of course, it’s a homecoming of sorts for the Ravens, since half their starters went to the U. Okay, just McGahee, Ray-Ray and Ed Reed, otherwise known as the only Ravens anyone gives a shit about (except Bawlmer fans – they love their Matt Stover! That and McGahee sucks).

So join us in some retarded commentary. Otherwise

THAT’S DISRESPECT!

And Peezy ain’t havin’ that.

Coach Harbaugh warned me what would happen, but he’s the only receiver I trust. I should have heeded his stern warnings. Sure, Mark Clayton made some insane catches against the Bengals, but I faced tougher defenses in Division II 1-AA football. Mason’s my boy!

Months and months of staring down Derrick Mason over every dropback has fixed his image in my mind permanently. I can’t shake it.

Just the other day, I went to the CVS to pick out some more eyebrow wax, and I get up to the cashier and I see this.

I almost fell off the endcap of tacky Baltimore Christmas gewgaws. Luckily, my mind came to after a few seconds, but every time he appears it’s longer. By the end of the season, who knows if he’ll go away at all.

Sure, seeing Derrick open on the football field is a welcome sight, but I really don’t need him occupying my every thought. Soon, I won’t be able to watch movies.

Or even the news.

I mean, we could run Le’Ron McClain and Ray Rice on every play. They’re pretty good. But sooner or later we’re gonna have to pass the ball. And that means more and more searing Derrick into my unconscious. Goddammit, why does Todd Heap have to stay in and block? I need someone else to lock onto!

Could be worse, I guess. It could be Barbara Mikulski. Jesus. Why does every woman in Baltimore look like her?