SOON THEY’LL ELECT A UNIBROW TO BE MAYOR. The Bawlmer Orioles Beisbol Club selected Mike Flacco, the younger brother of one Joe Flacco, in the 31st round of the MLB Draft. Before you know it, all Jersey inhabitants will be called upon to save Baltimore sports. However, upon further inspection, Mike doesn’t seem to have as prominent a unibrow as his older brother, but he did play for a baseball team that borrowed the Buzzsaw logo. FIX YO BIRD ALLEGIANCE!
Joe Flacco, the starting Ravens quarterback and last keeper of the Frida Kahlo bloodline, is auctioning off a signed doodle of himself to support Neurofibromatosis, Inc. It’s a classy move, though the spartan stick figure character has, to date, only drawn a whopping $47 in bids. To further spur potential donors, Flacco decided to snazz up his uninspired design a little bit. Will it work? You be the judge.
Please please please beat the Steelers, RoboFlaccoCop on a unicorn.
Day two of Wild Card weekend opens with two AFC teams fond of employing gimmick plays and crazed linebackers. If the teams can negotiate a playing field draped in shoes, it’s to their credit.
Of course, it’s a homecoming of sorts for the Ravens, since half their starters went to the U. Okay, just McGahee, Ray-Ray and Ed Reed, otherwise known as the only Ravens anyone gives a shit about (except Bawlmer fans - they love their Matt Stover! That and McGahee sucks).
So join us in some retarded commentary. Otherwise
THAT’S DISRESPECT!
And Peezy ain’t havin’ that.
Coach Harbaugh warned me what would happen, but he’s the only receiver I trust. I should have heeded his stern warnings. Sure, Mark Clayton made some insane catches against the Bengals, but I faced tougher defenses in Division II 1-AA football. Mason’s my boy!
Months and months of staring down Derrick Mason over every dropback has fixed his image in my mind permanently. I can’t shake it.
Just the other day, I went to the CVS to pick out some more eyebrow wax, and I get up to the cashier and I see this.
I almost fell off the endcap of tacky Baltimore Christmas gewgaws. Luckily, my mind came to after a few seconds, but every time he appears it’s longer. By the end of the season, who knows if he’ll go away at all.
Sure, seeing Derrick open on the football field is a welcome sight, but I really don’t need him occupying my every thought. Soon, I won’t be able to watch movies.
Or even the news.
I mean, we could run Le’Ron McClain and Ray Rice on every play. They’re pretty good. But sooner or later we’re gonna have to pass the ball. And that means more and more searing Derrick into my unconscious. Goddammit, why does Todd Heap have to stay in and block? I need someone else to lock onto!
Could be worse, I guess. It could be Barbara Mikulski. Jesus. Why does every woman in Baltimore look like her?
