Your Meast of the final week of the regular season is the crusher of souls and all living matter, Bernard Pollard. And not just because he played a small role in the injury of another beloved (to their fanbase, at least) member of the Patriots. Noooo. Perish the thought. The guy also had a fumble recovery for a touchdown and an interception. Those are perfectly Measty contributions to a winning effort. And have nothing at all to do with the infliction of harm on another player. The recognition of clean, stellar play is what the Meast award is all about.

/has oil painting of Welker injury commissioned and hung above his bed

/makes offer of $50,000 to Texans officials for the piece of turf that Belichick said is responsible for Welker’s crippling

/demands Baskin Robbins rename all 31 flavors of ice cream for Bernard Pollard because they are otherwise besmirching his jersey number

/makes it so the Fritz Pollard Alliance has the say over who should coach the Patriots next year

/rewatches this vintage interview Mike Ditka did in his underwear, not because it had anything to do with Welker, but because it’s hilarious

/remember Wes Welker’s injury and laughs even harder

Your first co-Least of Week 17 is the New York Giants. The whole sorry bunch of ‘em.

/swirls finger

Mmm. Yeah. That’s good Manning Face. Whichever benevolent force responsible (but lacking in HTML prowess) can add it to this fine collection.

Not only did the Giants tank their final two games by a combined score of 85-16, they allowed the Vikings to reclaim the first-round bye that Minnesota did everything in its power to squander the last month of the year. We could’ve been rid of Favre this very weekend. Not we have to wait one more whole week. Damn you!

Speaking of that dumbshit, your other co-Leasts are the four fucknuts writers for voted for Brett Favre for Comeback Player of the Year. Tom Brady won it with 19 votes out of 50, which is fine, I guess. I would have opted for Cedric Benson, personally. But Favre? FUCK. THAT. SHIT. He played all 16 games last year. Having a gimpy arm the final month isn’t sufficient hardship to deserve a comeback award the following season.

We know Peter King is one of the four. That’s a given. He might have even bought off another writer with promises of caffeine-supercharged hand jobs. But PK’s pull (tee hee) only goes so far. He had help. We demand the NFL release the identity of the others so they can experience the public shaming they have so recklessly brought upon themselves. Be no longer an accomplice to dumbfuckery, NFL. Give us the names!

[Jacked Up Tavern, parts unknown]

Jack Tatum: Lotsa laughter coming from you two clucking hens. What’s so damn funny?

Kimo von Oelhoffen: Just shootin’ it, Jack. Don’t worry your pretty little head and keep the drinks coming. But, yeah, I think we got a crazy one on our hands here.

Jack Tatum: Yeah?

Kimo von Oelhoffen: Guy tried to take out his own quarterback in practice. HIS OWN GUY! THE STARTER! That’s cold-blooded, kid. I mean, you already got Brady. That alone is enough to earn free drinks here for life. But your own guy? Shoot, it’s like you’re trying to make all of us look bad.

Bernard Pollard: Ha, should’ve seen that bitch’s face. “Ahhhh! What’re you doing! It’s just practice, mannnnn!” [Laughs, takes a shot] Boy done shat he drawers. [Makes farting sound, laughs again] Don’t know what he so worried about. Already got his fat-ass contract for one year of sucking Belichick’s dick. Acts like he actually has a career to ruin.

Kimo von Oelhoffen: Still, I gotta give it to you for even going for that score.

Bernard Pollard: Pfft. Ain’t no thang.

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaayyyyyyyy!

Which one of you swizzledicks destroys quarterbacks on demand? THE FLOATMASTER GENERAL WANTS TO KNOW!

Kimo von Oelhoffen: Who’s this dude?

Philip Rivers: NO ONE’S TALKING TO YOU, COCK VON BULOW!

Bernard Pollard: Oh, I recognize this boy. He been ducking me so far, but I’mma have his ACL on my wall one of these days.

Philip Rivers: ALL YOU’RE GETTING IS DICK ON YOUR VAGINAL WALLS UNLESS YOU LISTEN THE FUCK UP! During a break from preaching the sweet, sweet abstinence faith, I took a gander at the Chiefs schedule. And I noticed you shitstacks play the Giants AND the Steelers this year.

Bernard Pollard: And?

Philip Rivers: And it’s bad enough I have to see the those twin Plaxico fuckers, Benetrator the Rapistberger and Billy Ripken Manning win, Super Bowls, but now they get mammoth contracts in back-to-back years too. NOW ONE OVERSHADOWS KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED, GLEAMING GEM OF THE ’04 DRAFT! That’s why I gotta come to this NFL version of the Mos Eisley bar, ’cause our defenders aren’t ruthless enough, or they aren’t roided up enough anymore. Shit, I forget we have a defense half the time.

Bernard Pollard: So you need these guys got?

Philip Rivers: Like Tiny Darren needs to sit on a phone book to drive.

Bernard Pollard: Gonna cost you.

Philip Rivers: [Drops gold ingot on the bar] I DON’T DEAL IN NO GREENBACK SHIT!

Bernard Pollard: I think we can work something out.

Philip Rivers: Excellent. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s sex going on out there outside the bonds of hopeless marriages! NOT ON MY MORALIZIN’ WATCH! [Runs out, pushes over trash can by door]

Jack Tatum: You really gonna take this guy’s money? A quarterback from a division rival?

Bernard Pollard: His money as good as anybody else’s. Plus, I still got his ass. Tomlinson don’t block for shit. I’mma have me floating ribbons of that fucker’s ligaments.

Kimo von Oelhoffen: Yeah, I still wear a piece of Palmer’s on this necklace.

Bernard Pollard: Yeah, I saw you dip that shit in your drink.

Kimo von Oelhoffen: It makes it better! I don’t know why!

When someone has (not unexpectedly) already tried to capitalize on the newfound fame of Brady bounty killer and SEAN TAYLOR MEMORIAL MEAST OF THE WEEK Bernard Pollard.

It’s a must-buy for any Patriots hater who has looked to diversify their wardrobe beyond the six different 18-1 shirts they’ve acquired over the last seven months. Or buy one for a Pats fan. They’re going to need a find another bandwagon in short order.