ANOTHER WIN FOR THE BEN! THIS BEST MOMENT SINCE I GOT RANK OF 40 ON CALL OF DUTY ONLINE!

OKAY – OKAY. PROFESSIONAL QUESTION ASKERS GONNA ASK PROFESSIONAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU WINNING GAME. CAN’T LOOK SELFISH. AGENT SAID IT’S BAD FOR CHOCO TACO ENDORSEMENT

BEN KNEW HE PREPARED FOR THIS FOR A REASON. KEEP THIS CARD IN QB FANNY PACK FOR JUST SUCH OCCASION

UH-OH. HERE COMES NANTZ. LOOK RELAXED. YOU ALREADY WON GAME. ONE MORE LOOK AT FLASHY CARD. OKAY. BEN GONNA NAIL THIS!

CHOCO TACO ENDORSEMENT, HERE BEN COME

[Inside a Star Wars-themed bedroom]

WASHED FACESPOT.  BRUSHED CHOMPERS.  GOOD SLEEPS BEFORE RAVENS GAME.  HAPPY SLEEPS.  NOT GONNA DREAM ABOUT PHIL RIVERS WITH MOUTH-EYES TONIGHT.  GONNA MAKE NICE PICTURES IN THE HEADSPOT.

NICE PICTURES.

NICE PIC…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Marisa Miller: Hey, Ben. 

Ben: HI

Marisa: You like what you see?

Ben: THATS A NICE MOTORBIKE YES

Marisa: Wanna go for a ride?

Ben: THANK YOU LADY BUT NO.  YOU DONT GOT NO HELMET FOR THE BEN.  CAN’T GET OUCHIE BEFORE RAVENS GAME.

Marisa: That’s cool.  Maybe Jay Cutler wants to ride with me.

Ben: BRONCO JAY IS HERE?

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Mike Tomlin: Ben, glad to have you back at practice yesterday. Last time we played the Chargers, we outgained them almost two-to-one but only came away with nine points from the offense. Gotta improve on that.

Ben Roethlisberger: …

Mike Tomlin: Ben! You with me? I know you passed the memory test, but I’mma need you sharp out there. Can’t afford mental mistakes in the playoffs.

Ben!

BEN!

Roethlisberger: HEADSPOT FEELS GROGGY. TOO MUCH HEAD IN THE GROG

MUST…KEEP HEAD IN MULTIPLAYER GAME

Tomlin: Comrade! We must exterminate the scum that has laid waste to our homeland. Take your gun and strike them down!

Ben: AYE AYE COACH

Roethlisberger: HEINZ FIELD IN BETTER SHAPE THAN NORMAL. GOT MY PEW MACHINE READY. LET’S GREASE US SOME JAPS!

WAIT – I THOUGHT I WAS IN A RUSSIA STAGE! THIS WAR TAKING A TOLL ON THE BEN

WHAT’S IN THAT TREE!?

PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW

OH, THERE’S A TREE IN THAT TREE.

AAAAAHHHHHH NO, HOW’D THE JAPS RECRUIT YOU HINES? DON’T WANNA GREASE THE HINES. HE’S THE ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO SCORE ME THE CHOCO TACO

HIT R2 BUTTON!

R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2

WHEW – BROKE HINES TACKLE. THAT WAS TOO CLOSE

WHY THE NATE DAWG IN MY SCOPE? DON’T WANNA PEW HIM EITHER. THIS WAR IS TURNING STEELER AGAINST STEELER. THIS IS THE WORST TRIP THE BEN EVER BEEN ON.

[Mike Scifres pooch punts grenade at him]

LINEMEN PLEASE FALL ON GRENADE FOR THE BEN

PLEASE

LINEMEN?

HALP!

BEN…

BEN NOT DEAD?

WHEN I SIGN UP FOR THE XBOX HEAD MEMBERSHIP?

IT KINDA COOL

AWWW THE HEAD GO WHOMP ON THE HEINZ MARSH. SPONGE TURF IS WORST KIND OF TURF TO BANG HEADSPOT ON.

HI TRAINING STAFF

NO WANT TO GET UP NOW. WANT TO TALK. WHAT ON YOUR MIND? YES, I’M OKAY. MAKING SCENE LIKE TIME MOM ROETHLISBERGER NO BUY ME METAL SLUG 2 FOR NEO GEO.

HOW LONG IT BEEN? 15 MINUTES? THAT’S A WHOLE QUARTER! THAT MEANS IT HALFTIME.

NOT HALFTIME. WELL BEN NO MOVING WITHOUT HIS CHOCO TACO.

YES, TAKE OFF FACEBARS. THEY INTERFERE WITH EATING INJURY CHOCO TACO. QUICK, YOU GET ME ONE. BE GOOD AS NEW. THEY HAVE THEM AT AMBULANCE HUB? LET’S GO THERE!

Wishing you a Measty Christmas from KSK.

Hopefully you got what you asked for. Not me. I had all three of my fantasy teams in the playoffs this year, two of which had the one seed. And they all lost, the last of which lost this past week by 0.22 points. And I had Carolina’s Steve Smith, meaning had Tom Coughlin not pointlessly challenged his TD catch on the one-inch line (Panthers scored on the next play) I would have won. Gggguuuuuhhhhh

HI BLOG READERS

TOUGH WEEK FOR THE BEN. BEEN CHEWING ON THIS GUM FOR FOUR DAYS AND IT LOST FLAVOR LONG TIME AGO. I HOPE FLAVOR COME BACK SOON. COME BACK AS CHOCO TACO FLAVOR MAYBE. HARF HARF HARF THAT’S JOKES.

BUT WEEK BEEN HARD FOR MORE THAN GUM. GOT ANOTHER OWIE IN MY KNEESPOT FROM STEPPING IN MUD. WHAT’S THE KNEESPOT GOT TO DO WITH FOOT IN MUD? BODY WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. LIKE I YELL PEW PEW PEW OVER AND OVER AND GET A HEADACHE. WHAT THE HEAD HAVE TO DO WITH PEW PEW PEWING?

THEN MEWELDE TELL ME (HINES BUSY WITH THEM VIETCONG) SEATTLE QUARTERBACK CALLED ME A GIRL. WHAT A STUPID THING TO SAY. EVEN BEN KNOWS HE’S A MAN ‘CAUSE HE’S GOT ONE OF THEM SANTONIO THINGS THAT MAKES THE PEE. PLUS, HE GOTS THE SWEET MAN-MAN GOATEE. ONLY GIRLS IN CLEVELAND GOT THEM.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THE GIRLS, ‘COURSE. THEY SOME OF THE BEST FANS WE GOT. EXCEPT THEY THROW THEIR UNDERWEAR AT THE BEN, WHICH IS SILLY. HE DON’T WEAR GIRL UNDIES. THROW SOME THE BEN CAN USE. BUT I LIKE THE ONE WHO SENT ME THIS VIDEO.

FOOLISH DIVE WITHOUT HELMET? ME THINK ME NOW UNDERSTAND THIS CRAZY THING CALLED LOVE. AND WITHOUT HINES HELP!

[The sound of volcanoes exploding in the distance blends with the cawing of exotic birds and the howls of unidentifiable beasts. A few long-haired wild men swing from the trees, dropping into sight only to snag lava rocks just before they hit the ground]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI WILDERNESS UNTOUCHED BY MAN

THANKS FOR BRINGING ME TO YOUR ISLAND, TROY. EVER SINCE SOME KID POINTED A LIGHT GUN AT ME AT THE GAMESTOP, I DON’T FEEL SAFE! GOTTA FIND BODYGUARD IN YOUR VERSION OF THE SAVAGE LAND! CAN IT BE SAURON?

Troy Polamalu: [Mutters something softly about Jesus]

Ben: THE JEEBUS MAY WORK FOR YOU, BUT THE JEEBUS DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT TIES!

Troy: [Complains softly about the NFL's increasingly stringent policy on hits]

Ben: BEN NO PANSY! JUST NEED FEEL SAFE WHEN OUT IN PUBLIC

[Dense jungle brush flies open]

Samoan Warrior: UUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGGGAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Ben: HALP! [Runs behind Troy]

[Troy and the warrior exchange flying headbutts, get up, stare at each other uneasily, then shake hands.]

Troy: He’ll be your bodyguard now.

Ben: BEN HAS BODYGUARD NOW! CAN BE JUST LIKE PACMAN! OH BEN GONE DRANK! BEN GONE DRANK 10 RED BULLS AND STAY UP PLAYING FALLOUT 3! HARF HARF HARF

HI AMERICA

EVEN WITH THE OWIE IN MY SHOULDERSPOT, I HAD TO EXERCISE MY DUTY AS AN AMERICAN AND RESERVE A COPY OF GEARS OF WAR II AT THE GAMESPOT THIS MORNING.

BUT NEXT DOOR I SAW BUNCHES OF PEOPLE ALL GATHERED TOGETHER. I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE CHOCO TACO TASTING BUT IT WAS SOMETHING CALLED VOTING INSTEAD.

I ASKED HINES WHAT WAS VOTING AND HE SAID SOMETHING COMPLEX AND SO I THOUGHT ABOUT TIDAL WAVES INSTEAD. STILL WE WENT INTO THE PLACE AND THEY PUT ME ON THIS MACHINE. I WENT PEW PEW PEW ON THE BUTTONS AND THE MACHINE SAID I VOTED AND THEY GAVES ME A STICKER.

I TOLD THE MAN I VOTED WITH A OWIE IN MY SHOULDER AND THEY EVEN GAVE ME TWO STICKERS FOR BEING A TOUGH BEN! VOTING IS THE BEST THING SINCE LINEMEN WHO BLOCK FOR YOU! I HOPE TO DO IT EVERY YEAR.

I won’t be joining you fine readers for the liveblog this evening, because I’ll be sitting in my wondrous limited view seats in the shittiest stadium in the NFL. If that’s what it takes to miss Berman with Obama and McCain, it was well worth being ripped off. Worry not, the Maj will probably be here, because rich boy is wealthy enough to afford season tickets and never use them.

This is actually the first Steelers regular season game I’ve attended in 10 years, since I went to the first ever game in PSI Net/M&T Bank/Whatever they call that shithole with purple seats in Baltimore in 1998 (Steelers won). That probably means I’m a bad fan. Whatevs. Still stoked.