The Jets went through the third-seeded Colts and the top-seed Patriots to get to the AFC title game. To advance to their first Super Bowl in 42 years, Rex’s pussytubing monsters of f*cking will have to get past the Steelers, the third and most recently successful of the AFC’s trio of standard bearer Super Bowl representatives for the last seven seasons. If successful, the Jets would have replicated the Steelers playoff run of 2005, when the 6th seeded Steelers also went through the top three seeds of the AFC on the road en route to Super Bowl XL. Oh God, all the undeserved credit that would be heaped on Sanchise. I can’t even imagine.

Anyway, the Jets beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh for the first time in the team’s history in Week 15, however the Steelers were without Heath Miller and Troy Polamalu, while Darrelle Revis appears to be more healthy now than he was then. Also, it was an entirely different game that has no bearing on what will happen today, so let’s just let it go already.

As for those who drew the likeness between Bart Scott’s postgame interview after beating the Patriots and a vintage WWE vignette, it all makes sense now:

In other news, James Harrison’s wish is to meet the Headshrinkers (Polamalu can probably hook him up).

An acceptable trophy for Harrison if he makes it to Dallas.

Enjoy the live blog run by KSK commenter par excellence Otto Man. I’m otherwise occupied freezing my ass off watching the game at Heinz Field (expected gametime temperature as I write this on Friday – eight degrees!). I’ll be carrying Rex Ryan-type bulk in extra layers.

In this one, people actually root for the asteroid to hit Earth.

Terrell Suggs termed the third meeting between the Steelers and Ravens “Armageddon.” He also said it will be the de facto AFC championship, because whoever emerged the victor in this game is supposedly virtually assured to defeat whoever wins between the Jets and the Patriots (let’s not mince words – the Patriots). So it’s pretty obvious Terrell Suggs is a tardwit mouthbreather, not to mention one who is quite fond of letting T-shirts do the trash talking for him.

Pfft. Birds don’t have five fingers, let alone a thumb. FIX YO ANATOMICALLY INCORRECT PROFANITY!

Ray Rice was apparently experiencing flu-like symptoms and spewing vomit-like substances into his toilet-like device on Friday. He’s going to play anyway, which is good, because this wouldn’t be much of a game if captain checkdown Bert Flacco didn’t have his target of choice coming out of the backfield. Rice had 52 rushing yards in two games against Pittsburgh this season. Without 26 more, you just know they’d be toast.

Ben Roethlisberger has won his last six starts against the Ravens and Pittsburgh is 2-0 in the playoffs against Bawlmer. Those stats obviously don’t mean much for today’s game, but if The Ben takes another from the Ratbirds, it just means another year of Ravens fans’ tear-laden masturbating to Bart Scott’s hit from 2006. That Scott left the team two years ago only makes the still-constant chest-beating about it all the more morbidly hilarious, like most things about Charm City.

OWWWWWWW

IIIIIEEEEEEEEE

WHY THE NOSE LEAK WOMAN’S EVERY MONTH RED STUFF? MAYBE HAVE TO DO WITH TIME HELLO G KNOTTA HIT ME IN THE FACESPOT. USUALLY ONLY HAPPEN WHEN FINGER GO TOO FAR UP SMELLSPOT. BUT FINGER ONLY ON FOOTBAW TONIGHT. NOT MAKE SENSE. NOW EVERYTHING SMELL LIKE RUSTED PIPE. RED STUFF TASTE KINDA NICE THOUGH. SHOULD DIP CHIPS IN IT NEXT TIME BEN BUY CHIPS.

THE NOSE IS CROOKED LIKE NOSE AFTER BEN GO FLY-FLY AT CHRYSLER. BUT THERE NO CAR ON FOOTBAW FIELD AND NO MOTORBIKE NEITHER. NOW BEN GO TO SIDELINE WHERE COACH AND OTHER COACH LOOK AT NOSE AND TRY TO RESTRAIGHT. IF NOT, WILL BE HARD TO SNIFF OUT BLITZES HARF HARF OWWWWWWW

NOW COLLINSMAN DRAW YELLOW CURVES ON SMELLSPOT ON THE TV SO THE PEOPLES CAN SEE IT OUT OF LINE. BUT EVERYTHING ON THE BEN FACE IN ROUND SHAPE. WHY SMELLSPOT BE DIFFERENT?

Thanksgiving is two days away. I’m slated to work from 5-9 p.m. on Thursday for SB Nation. I guess that means I don’t have to be thankful for anything.

Guilty conscience: “But shouldn’t you at least be thankful that you actually have a job, especially in these dire economic times. Why, there are those who would kill for what you have.”

Alcohol: “STFU.”

Anyway, your Meast for Week 11 is Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson, who scored three touchdowns in Buffalo’s comeback win over Cincinnati. I guess I’m thankful for the way he’s emerged from obscurity to help propel one of my fantasy teams to respectability this year. Greg Jennings put up numbers similar to Johnson’s in the Packers 31-3 reaming of the Vikes, but I’m going to give the edge to Johnson for taunting the dynamic duo of diptardery, Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, after a touchdown.

Melty faced Raiders fan flubby insisted that we give the Meast to Richard Seymour for clocking Roethlisberger at the end of the first half of the Steelers’ curbstomping of Oakland on Sunday. The rest of us didn’t agree, but I’ll give him an honorable mention anyway.

Seymour, by the way, was fined for the totally non-James-Harrison-elevated amount of $25,000 (totally worth it, says flub) and received no suspension, which just further reinforces the perception that the Steelers get everything they want from the league and blah blah blah blow me.

Your Co-Leasts for Week 11 are Peyton and Eli Manning. Each destroyed their team’s comeback bid in spectacular Manning-esque fashion. Peyton brought the Colts within range of tying a game they had no business being in only to blow it by throwing a terrible interception in the red zone while Elisha stupidly executed a head-first slide when he well past the first down marker, only for the ground to force him to fumble before a defender contacted him. Looks like Eli gets nothing but punishment casserole on Thursday!

As was mentioned during the broadcast last night, Philip Rivers’ lil’ brudder recently committed to play QB for LSU. Once he makes it into the league, he and Marmalard can square off in a three-way tag team match with the Mannings and the Palmers. Or maybe get the Godwinn Brothers involved just to push it to a four-way.

“In the water-logged corner, wearing the Fleur-de-lis trunks and the creepy birthmark, Breesus “El Saaaavior” Christ.

In the bathroom stall corner, wearing the hypocycloid trunks with Choco Taco stains, the allegedly evil Benzlebub Roethlisberger.”

This match-up of the two previous Super Bowl champions would have been that much more enticing had New Orleans not spent the last month losing to Arizona and Cleveland. Nevertheless, it beats the hell out of Jacksonville and Tennessee as far as prime time games go. I fully expect the Saints to revert to 2009 championship form following an embarrassing loss to the Browns. So that should be fun, plus we all know a Saints fan will be caught on camera with a wildly inappropriate costume making fun of The Ben.

Speaking of, the Steelers’ last three weeks have been rife with controversy, what with Roethlisberger returning from suspension, James Harrison being singled out as the dirtiest player ever and the Gene Steratore making a bad initial touchdown signal in Miami. All three have helped to stoke Steelers hatred to near-record heights, but it’s the last one that has given comfort and fodder to the myriad conspiracy theorists who populate the dark, musty corners of the Intarwebs.

My favorite such rant by far came from mush-mouthed Philadelphian “master brain” jkallih:

In addition to wearing what might be the most outstanding torn-off sleeveless white T-shirt with a scrawled-on deranged message ever, he makes the following hilariously f*cktarded claims:

- He Googled “Pittsburgh Steelers controversial calls” and got 344,000 results. He therefore concludes the Steelers have been the beneficiaries of 344,000 controversial calls.

- All NFL referees are related to the Rooney family. More specifically, they are all nephews of Dan Rooney. I, for one, can’t wait for the story of Mike Carey’s conception.

- The Philadelphia Eagles are a class organization and have classy fans.

- A sepia colored upside-down picture of his ass is presented for kissing in lieu of his actual ass, because the genuine article would bring the hoes running.

- Only people who like fixed football games put French fries on sandwiches.

Yesterday, an official flagged the Steelers for a holding penalty at the beginning of the 4th quarter IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF THE SECRET NFL EDICT THAT NO CALL CAN EVER GO AGAINST PITTSBURGH. While this was ultimately a clever guise to mask the OBVIOUSLY PREORDAINED FINISH TO COME, it was nevertheless amusing because the lead official, A GODDAMN YINZER WHO WOULDN’T EVEN GIVE THE ROONEYS CHANGE FOR THEIR HANDSOME BRIBE, called the infraction on noted holding penalty machine Flozell Adams, who wasn’t even in the game because he left in the first half with an injury. OR SO THAT’S WHAT THE RIGGED LEAGUE WOULD LIKE US TO THINK

It may seem confusing to outsiders, but officials have cottoned onto the fact that Adams, even suffering the effects of a physical injury, is able to drag pass rushers down from behind using his keen mental powers from the sideline. Knowing this, officials just presume any hold has been done by Adams, either in the physical form or through mental feats.

Adams’ powers do have limits. On one play, he tried to move the line of scrimmage two yards forward to accommodate THE BEN’s out-of-pocket Brittfar impression.

Sadly, it was ineffective and the play was flagged.

“IS OKAY, HOTEL MAN. THE BEN HAD ARM ON BALL IN TOUCHDOWN ZONE. ONLY LET GO AFTER HEARD REF PROMISE CHOCO TACO NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE ON THIRDDAY. NO FIBS. LACK OF EVIDENCE ALWAYS GIVE BEN SMILEYS.”

Ben Roethlisberger: HI TEAM! THE BEN IS BACK FROM BEING ON SUSPENDERS.

YOU BAND OF BRUDDERS READY TO WIN AND STUFF? DURING SUSPENDERS I TOOK REPS AND REPS AND REPS AND REPS. MORE REPS THAN I EVER THINK I CAN REP. BIG BAD BEN GONE AND NEW BIG FOLK KISS BEN TAKE HIS PLACE.

THAT MEAN:

NO MO’ MAKE BAD TOUCH

NO MO’ HOLD BALL FOREVER AND EVA

NO MO’ LEAVE PRACTICE EARLY FOR CALL OF DUTY, EVEN AFTER BLACKS OPS COME OUT

NO MO’ CHOCO TACO

HARF HARF HARF THAT A JOKE ON LAST ONE

Trai Essex: Oh thank God, he’s back. It was so bad. We won the majority our games and all, but it was torture every time we had to move the ball. Except that game against Tampa Bay because they suck ass.

Bruce Arians: I had to run the ball! [goes into spasms]

Charlie Batch: [Coughs and wheezes] Made me miss mah nap.

Kordell Stewart: They made me change my name to “Dennis Dixon.”

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN KNOW HE LET YOU DOWN, BAND OF BRUDDERS. THE BEN SO PROUD HOW HARD YOU WORK WHEN HE ON SUSPENDERS. HE MADE THIS DRAWING TO SHOW YOU HOW HE PROUD.

NOW WE FINISH JOB TOGETHER. NOW WE WORK EVEN MORE HARD AND SUCCEED EVEN MORE HARD. WE NO STOP PLAY TOUGH UNTIL WE GET SILVER FOOTBALL TROPHY FOR THE NUMBER THIRD TIME AND PEOPLE SHUT UP ABOUT STUPID LADIES WHO MAKE EVIL LIES. WHO IS WITH ME?

HARF HARF HARF, HEY HINES WHAT’S YOU GOT ON YOUR HEADSPOT?

Hines Ward: Is specserr bleast cancell awellness hat. Is make arr peeper awell of dangel of bleast cancel, which is when woman bleast get bad rumps and they kirr the woman.

Ben Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF, LOOK LIKE YOU GOTS A BIG NIPPLE WHERE YOUR HEADSPOT SHOULD BE

MMMMMMM NIPPLE

[Bzzzzzztttttttt sound]

YYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

Hines Ward: What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, IT’S THIS COLLAR THE COMMISH MAN GAVE TO THE BEN. GIVE THE ELECTRIC OWWWIES ANY TIME BEN HAVE A BAD THOUGHT.

NO BIG WHOOP. NOT GONNA STOP THE BEN FROM TAKING REPS, BEING STEEL TOWN BALLER AND WINNING THE BIG GAMES.

[Sunday]

Ben Roethlisberger: YOOOOOWWWWW GAWD NO END TO OWIES

[browns pic via]

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC North, the festering den of iniquity that is home to murderers, rapists, abusers, drunk drivers, drunk kickers, drug addicts, tardwit reality show wide receivers and worst of all, the Cleveland Browns.

It was then that the Beagle Boys kniferaped Magica De Spell and dropped her from the back of a moving truck.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

via.

Key Additions: Anquan Boldin, Donte Stallworth, Walt Harris, Shayne Graham, Marc Bulger

Key Departures: Kelley Washington, Samari Rolle, Adam Terry

Known Miscreants: Ray Lewis (murder snitching on friends to plea bargain down to obstruction of justice charge), Donte Stallworth (reigning Death Race 2000 champion), Fabian Washington (domestic assault), Terrell Suggs (woman bleaching), Willis McGahee (Antonio Cromartie syndrome)

Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:

- Sergio Kindle’s fall and resulting injury earlier in training camp was blamed on his narcolepsy. Ravens fans were aware that referees could induce that in people.
- The enduring lesson of Donte Stallworth’s vehicular homicide: if you act halfway remorseful, the public and the media will completely forgive you. Or, in the case of Leonard Little, you can not give a shit and the public and the media will mostly ignore it.
- WERE YOU AWARE?: Of the 19 active quarterbacks with more than one start in the playoffs, Joe Flacco has by far the worst postseason passer rating (in five starts, he has 1 TD and 6 INTs for a rating of 46.5). The next highest is Mark Brunell (11 appearances, 66.3 rating) who still has a rating nearly 20 point higher. Also ahead on the list: Rex Grossman, Michael Vick, Chad Pennington and Ravens back-up Marc Bulger (so that’s why they got him). BUT HEY JOE COOL IS THE PIZZA HUT OF MARYLAND SPOKESBROW FOR THE SECOND YEAR RUNNING!

- Ray Rice’s father was killed by a drive-by shooting when the running back was only a year old. His uncle helped to raise him until he was killed by a drunk driver in 1998. Man, Ray Rice must have such great admiration for his teammates.
- Haloti Ngata gave Terrence Cody the nickname “cheeseburger” during training camp. As they say, you are what you eat 39 of in any given sitting.

Over/Under For 2010: 10 wins

Verdict: OVER

Their secondary isn’t good even when it’s healthy, and it’s definitely not healthy right now. Nevertheless, the Ravens are pretty stacked everywhere else. Granted, Joe Flacco can’t play for shit in big games, but then that won’t come into play until they reach the playoffs, which shouldn’t be much of a problem for the Ratbirds this year. Though it is amusing that, after losing close games last year because of a lack of clutch kicking, that they would consider Shayne “The Ginger Nate Kaeding” Graham a possible answer.

CINCINNATI BENGALS

Key Additions: Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Mike Nugent, Antonio Bryant, Matt Jones

Key Departures: Laveranues Coles, Shayne Graham

Known Miscreants: Pacman Jones (womb raiding), Matt Jones (being a cocaine cowboy, Rey Maualuga (DUI with underage girls in the car – the best kind!), Cedric Benson (waitress assault), Tank Johnson (munitions hoarding)

Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:
- Experts say the emergence of Bernard Scott is expected provide some relief to Cedric Benson’s huge share of carries this season. No word on how much of Benson’s arrest commitments he’ll be taking on.
- Pacman say hey da HughesNet bitch stop paradin yo fine azz round my TV. You older, but not too old that Pacman don slip it in dat USB slot. That stand for pUSsyBitch. Pacman not carin if that don make sense. YOU NO STOP HE SHINE.

- The anemic quarterbacking done by J.T. O’Sullivan in the ante-season will not be a blot on his escutcheon. If anything, coaches appreciate his efforts to ease pressure on Good Sir Palmer that his station could be imperiled by a son of Eyre.
- Bengals fans two years ago bought up billboards threatening to “protest” the team until Mike Brown hired a GM that wasn’t himself. Brown responded by… doing nothing. Of course, the team started winning anyway, so the fairweather Cincy folk forgot all about it. Which is pretty much how all fan protests go.
- Let’s hope Maurice Purify isn’t taking his last name as a life mission, or he has quite a task ahead of him with the Bengals.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

The Bengals played like dogshit down the stretch in 2009, mostly as a result of a inability to pass the ball. To resolve that issue, they did the usual Bengal thing and picked up a bunch of inexpensive retreads that no one else wanted: T.O., Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant. T.O. should be a decent improvement over Laveranues Coles, who was generally useless last season. First-round pick Jermaine Gresham has looked pretty good in preseason, so maybe he’ll be a good receiving option at tight end this year. Nevertheless, the pass blocking is still horrid and the team still has f*cknuts Bob Bratkowski calling plays. And Carson Palmer has shown that he isn’t good enough to compensate for those for those deficiencies. Again, the defense and the running game will have to carry this team, except now they play with a 1st place schedule and the Bengals will be hard-pressed to sweep both the Ravens and Steelers again this season. They won’t finish under .500, but they’re not going back to the playoffs either.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

Sensing the obvious, the Browns didn’t even bother to print Jake Delhomme jerseys. Ever resourceful Cleveland fans adapt. via.

Key Additions: Jake Delhomme, Bobby Engram, Benjamin Watson, Seneca Wallace, Scott Fujita, Sheldon Brown, Colt McCoy

Key Departures: Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson, Donte Stallworth, Jamal Lewis, Kamerion Wimbley

Known Miscreants: Shaun Rogers (airline firearm supply), Brandon McDonald (future T.O. rapist), Colt McCoy (too wholesome), Joe Thomas (fishing without a license)

Five Fast Facts About The Browns:
- Shaun Rogers tried to rehab his image after bringing a loaded gun onto an airplane by ratting out a drunk driver to the police. Mario Reyes appreciates the timing, asshole.
- As referenced above, corner Brandon McDonald threatened over Twitter that he and the Browns secondary are going to “run a train” on Terrell Owens. Usually not a fan of prison rape, T.O.’s talks with his Bengals teammates have convinced him otherwise.
- DAWWWWWWWWW WHERE’D STEVE SMITH GO?

- Joshua Cribbs spent his wife’s birthday at a Playboy Golf event, then took her to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles for dinner. This automatically puts him in the top 4 percentile of NFL player husbands.
- In a recent interview with GQ, Scott Fujita referred to former teammate Garrett Hartley as a “fat punk kicker.” Asked for a response, Hartley said he refused to lower himself to those Jap tactics.

Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I was briefly tempted to be generous and give them the over, but then I peeked at Cleveland’s schedule. After two winnable games against the Bucs and Chiefs, they have to run this seven-game gauntlet: @Ravens, Bengals, Falcons, @Steelers (this will most likely be the game Roethlisberger returns), Saints, Patriots, Jets. I seriously doubt that the Browns are going to win any of those games, meaning Cleveland will likely be 2-7 or 1-8 after nine games. Most likely, that means it’s “let’s give Colt McCoy a shot” time, with a trip to Miami, and rematches with the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers remaining. So yeah, sorry, no six wins for you guys.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

via.

Key Additions: Bryant McFadden, Larry Foote, Antwaan Randle El, anyone else who may have played for the team in the last 10 years, Flozell Adams

Key Departures: Santonio Holmes, Willie Parker, Deshea Townsend

Known Miscreants: Ben Roethlisberger (alleged bathroom bad touch), Jeff Reed (bathroom bad touch on towel dispenser), James Harrison (domestic assault)

Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:

- Threatened by the arrival of Flozell Adams, Hines Ward has been forced to slash the prices on his cheap shots.
- Dennis Dixon would be getting a chance to start during Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension, but instead the team is purposefully stifling his development because they don’t want to risk him showing up the quarterback that they tried to trade before the draft. Luckily, I am first person to formulate this not-at-all retarded theory for why Byron Leftwich will likely start Week 1.
/checks PFT
SHIT!!!!!!!
- Mike Wallace has some large vaginas to fill with the departure of Santonio Holmes.
- Even if it’s a year late, Troy Polamalu appreciates that the Madden Curse has finally caught up with Larry Fitzgerald.
- Despite the fact that he was injured months ago and will miss the entire 2010 season, Limas Sweed will still find a way to cost the Steelers a win this year. Mark my words.

Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins

Verdict: PUSH

After the offseason that just transpired, there’s absolutely no outcome to this season that would surprise me. On one hand, the Steelers tend to do better when expectations aren’t astronomically high, and they have Troy Polamalu, Aaron Smith and Bryant McFadden (starting in place of shitty ass Purple Jesus-stompee William Gay) back on what should be a damn good defense. On the other hand, their most talented receiver was traded away for nothing (DON’T SLEEP ON MIKE WALLACE MOTHERFUCKAS!), they have goddamn slow-footed cheap-shotting penalty magnet Flozell Adams starting at right tackle and who knows how Roethlisberger is going to respond once he’s reinstated. With all that in mind, I’ll keep the homerism at bay and keep it at a push.

Everyone who reads this blog knows I’m a huge Steelers homer, so let’s just get that out of the way so as to eliminate the need for 35 commenters to make note of it. As with any scandal involving a famous athlete, there’ve been oil tanker-size loads of stupidity being doled out on the reg in regards to each development of the latest Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault case. I’ve managed to ignore most of it while minimizing my Twitter fights with Mike Florio to a respectable two. However, after Georgia investigators determined they had insufficient evidence to even bring charges against Roethlisberger, the Steelers misguided decision to trade Santonio Holmes for a 5th round pick and yesterday’s subsequent meeting between commissioner Roger Goodell and Big Ben, the retardery ramped up to a height that made my brain bleed. Then I clicked on this fetid pile of word shit and had to jam my typing finger in my cat’s litter box to ease the stench. The only recourse was unleashing the FJM treatment, but the result skewed more toward the shrill than funny. I told the rest of the Gay Mafia that I wasn’t going to post it, but then Drew and flub demanded that I do anyway, because they enjoy seeing me make an ass of myself. So here it is. Be forewarned that massively annoying homerism abounds.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ben Roethlisberger will not be charged for the alleged rape that occurred in a Georgia bar last month. You’ll just have to wait until the next time Big Ben rapes for justice to be served. We’ve already heard enough canned analysis from pundits and indignation from everyone else. But what would the reaction be like if we lived in a country that revered its rapists? I think it might go a little something like this:

“Ha! I knew Ben Roethlisberger couldn’t rape. He’s not a real rapist. He’s just a rape manager. Just because he got accused of rape doesn’t make him a rapist. I hate that argument. I mean, even Trent Dilfer got accused of rape once.”

“Ben Roethlisberger only rapes because of his defense. You give me that defense, I could rape anyone. ANYONE. Ben is definitely not an elite rapist. He couldn’t even rape a college girl. OVERRATED RAPIST!”

“Have you seen that guy? Eat another ribwich, fatty. And cut your stupid mullet. A rapist shouldn’t be so chunky. It’s an embarrassment to rape. I could never root for a guy who raped like that.”

“ESPN totally overplays this story because it’s a white quarterback. When a black guy rapes, he has to practically kill for any attention. When the golden boy white quarterback is the one doing the raping, you never hear the end of it. Typical. Jason Campbell could rape five chicks tomorrow and you’d see a paragraph on it. Maybe not even that much. Or they’d try to subtly undermine him by saying he’s a ‘running rapist’. Just because he’s a better athlete doesn’t make him any lesser of a rapist. I’m so tired of this. The media has ruined rape for me.”