Ben Roethlisberger: HI BATCH!

Charlie Batch: Hey Ben.

Ben Roethlisberger: YOU KNOW TODAY IS FIVE-O DE MAY-O?

Charlie Batch: Yeah, you’re right. I guess it is.

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT MEAN WE GOTTA GET TOE UP FROM FLO’ UP

Charlie Batch: What now?

Ben Roethlisberger: DRUNK. MESSICAN-STYLE.

Charlie Batch: I dunno, man. I’m getting up there in years. My partying days are a little behind me, I think. Jeff Reed’s probably already at the bar though.

Ben Roethlisberger: BOOOOOOOO

Charlie Batch: Sorry, man.

Ben Roethlisberger: BOOOOOOOO

Charlie Batch: Look, man, I told you I was sorry.

Ben Roethlisberger: I WUZ SAYIN’ BOOOOOO-ATCH.

Charlie Batch: Gotcha… What do you have planned?

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN GOT THIS HERE LUNCHA LIBRE MASK. I THINK LUNCHA LIBRE MEAN FREE LUNCH, SO I WEAR MASK, I GET FREE GRUB ON. THEN START DRINK.

Charlie Batch: Uh, you might be confused. I think lucha libre is a type of wrestling.

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN HAVE TO WRESTLE FOR LUNCH?

Charlie Batch: Looks that way.

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN MUST BECOME BEN MYSERTIO JR., LEGENDARY WRESTLER OF SECRET!

Charlie Batch: But you just told me your identity.

Ben Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF. MUST FIND WAY TO THROW YOU OFF TRAIL

[Later]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI DIESEL

Brett Keisel: What’s up?

Ben Roethlisberger: CALLING IN FAVOR

Brett Keisel: But I don’t owe you a favor.

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S WHY I CALLS IT IN

Brett Keisel: Um, okay. What do you want?

Ben Roethlisberger: HOW WOULD THE BRETT LIKE TO BE THE BEN? I MAKES IT WORTH YOUR WHILE

[Later, during team drills]

Ben Mysterio Jr.: ONE SIDE, ONE SIDE, JABRONI.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: I, BEN MYSTERIO JR., ON THIS DAY, FIVE-O DE MAY-O, EXTEND OPEN CHALLENGE FOR FREE LUNCH TO ANY WHO DARE ACCEPT. WHO WILL STEP FORWARD TO TAKE ON LEGENDARY WRESTLER OF SECRET?

Brett Keisel: And, uh, I’m just, I mean, I IZ THE BEN, HANGING OUT OVER HERE AND NOT WHERE BEN MYSTERIO JR. IS AT. PEW PEW PEW, ETC.

Frank Summers: Free lunch sounds good. I’ll take that fight.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: A ROOKIE TANK HAS STEPPED INTO THE OCTAGON

Frank Summers: What Octagon? Where’s the Octagon?

Ben Mysterio Jr.: ROOKIE TANK HAS STEPPED INTO BATTLE ZONE WITH LOOSELY DEFINED BOUNDARIES

Teammates: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

[Summers lunges at Mysterio, attempts to throw him down, but Ben shakes free of his grasp]

Frank Summers: Damn. This dude’s actually pretty tough to bring down.

[Mysterio scrambles around the field, occasionally breaking free of Summers' tackles. Summers eventually becomes fatigued and doubles over, and Ben pins him with his foot]

Ben Mysterio Jr.: I IZ TRIUMPH! NOW PREPARE TO BE SHOCKED WITH SURPRISE AS BEN MYSTERIO JR. SHOWS SELF [takes off mask] TO BE BEN ROETHLISBERGER

[Teammates feign surprise]

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW WHERE IS FREE LUNCH?

Mike Tomlin: At the mess hall, like every day.

Ben Roethlisberger: ALLLLLLL RRRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTT! [Skips away gleefully]

Sorry to distract from the Holy Cross douche presently digging himself a deeper, Twisted Tea filled hole in the comment section of the previous post, but I was introduced to this amazing site run by a Swiss artist who draws celebrities and public figures in zombie form. Damn Umbrella, up to their tricks again. Anynerd, he did one of Roethlisberger a few days back, and that image has to jibe with Ufford’s vision of an undead Stiller Nation.

[Portraits as Living Deads]

Quite a 27th birthday bash for Ben Rongrastname. First (purportedly and puffedly) partying it up in Vegas. Then hopping to L.A. for the Watchmen premiere, where he chose to stand for a photo in front of the worst possible poster.

Even though he’s quarterbacked my favorite team to two Super Bowl titles, is it okay for me to hate Ben because he saw this movie before me? (His review: BLUE GUY IS BIGGER THAN BIG BEN!”) Nah, I’ll go with being only six months older than me and already accomplishing more in life than I ever will. DAMN YOU! Also, he’s still with Missy Peregrym apparently.

Ben Roethlisberger: UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

TOO MANY… CELEBRATION… CHOCO TACO

NOT REMEMBER TO TAKE SENSIBLE BITES

[Slumps over on chair]

CAN’T… MOVE…

XBOX JERKSTICK…OUT OF REACH…

UUUGGGGGHHHHHH

SO THIS HOW THE BEN ENDS

Chris Kemoeatu: You aren’t gonna be able to finish all those in one sitting, Ben. Let me grab one.

Ben: HI FAT POLAMALU! NOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU CAN’T HAVE! MY SPECIAL PRIZE FOR BRINGING HOME SOOPER BOW’

[Splays himself over progressively melting pile of Choco Tacos]

CHOCO TACO PILE MELLLLLTINGGGGG. MELLLLLTTTIIIINNNGGGG. OH WHAT A WORLD

HARF HARF HARF THAT’S CLEVER REFERENCE

[Kemoeatu takes one from the side of the pile and walks out]

HMMM. OKAY. MAYBE JUST ONE MORE

SNARF SNARF SNARF

UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH DIDN’T HELP

[Beat reporter walks in]

Reporter: Whoa. Ben, you all right?

Ben: FRONTSPOT… BIG HONKIN’ OWIE

UUUUGGGHHHHHH

Reporter: You have an injury? Where exactly?

[Waves arm over torso area]

Reporter: Your ribs?

Ben: UUGGGGHHHHH CAN’T THINK OF RIBS TOO

Reporter: Winning a Super Bowl with a rib injury? Damn. That’s incredible. I knew there was something to those X-ray rumors. Appreciate the candor.

PLEASE PRAY FOR THE BEN [Passes out on pile]

[Reporter leaves, files story, accepts buyout]

The two most consistent and oddest food associations for KSK Kharacters, unless you count the garbade bag of E.L. Fudges that Wade Phillips is eating at his desk, meet in the Super Bowl. Which spirit junk food can comes out on top? Any chance either of these players have any affinity for these things? All I know is I’ll be too nervous to eat. But WHO YA GOT?

Mike Tomlin: Yeah, I’ve been enjoying it. You have to a little bit. And it’s nice to be in something other than sub-arctic temperatures, but we came down here to achieve a goal and our mind is strictly on that. Next?

Reporter: So far this postseason, Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t turned the ball over a single time. What have you been doing with him to minimize mistakes?

Tomlin: You know, we haven’t really been doing much out of our ordinary with the offense. That’s really on Ben. I’ve talked with him some about being smart with the ball and visualizing what he wants to do if plays break down.

Reporters: Ben! Ben!

Ben Roethlisberger: HI ASSEMBLED MEDIA

HOLD ON. THE BEN FILMING THIS FOR THE FUTURE BEN.

OKAY. ASK PROFESSIONAL QUESTIONS.

Reporter: Coach Tomlin just said he encouraged you to visualize what you had to do to succeed this postseason. What sort of things have you visualized?

Ben: HARF HARF HARF

WHY WOULD I NEED VISUAL EYES? EYES ARE ALWAYS VISUAL. THAT’S REDONDO.

BUT COACH ASKED ME TO USE THE BRAINSPOT’S EYE TO FOCUS ON WHAT THE BEN WANTS. AND THAT BEEN WORKING GOOD.

I GOTS VISUAL EYES ON VISUAL PRIZE.

COACH TOLD THE BEN TO BE CAREFUL WITH THE BALL. IMAGINE IT TO BE SOMETHING OF GREAT VALUE. COACH SAID NOT TO TRUST IT IN THE HANDS OF PEOPLE WHO GONNA MISTREAT IT.

Reporter: Based on your time working with him, what advice can you give to your defense about reading Roethlisberger and maybe confusing his looks at the alignment?

Ken Whisenhunt: People are making a lot of my time with Ben. And I know him okay. But that was the beginning of his career and he’s grown a lot as a player since then. So I don’t know if I have all the answers when it comes to his every mannerism and technique.

We’ll make some cosmetic changes to our defensive schemes, but I don’t see us doing all that much differently.

We done? Cool. Thanks.

ANOTHER WIN FOR THE BEN! THIS BEST MOMENT SINCE I GOT RANK OF 40 ON CALL OF DUTY ONLINE!

OKAY – OKAY. PROFESSIONAL QUESTION ASKERS GONNA ASK PROFESSIONAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU WINNING GAME. CAN’T LOOK SELFISH. AGENT SAID IT’S BAD FOR CHOCO TACO ENDORSEMENT

BEN KNEW HE PREPARED FOR THIS FOR A REASON. KEEP THIS CARD IN QB FANNY PACK FOR JUST SUCH OCCASION

UH-OH. HERE COMES NANTZ. LOOK RELAXED. YOU ALREADY WON GAME. ONE MORE LOOK AT FLASHY CARD. OKAY. BEN GONNA NAIL THIS!

CHOCO TACO ENDORSEMENT, HERE BEN COME

[Inside a Star Wars-themed bedroom]

WASHED FACESPOT.  BRUSHED CHOMPERS.  GOOD SLEEPS BEFORE RAVENS GAME.  HAPPY SLEEPS.  NOT GONNA DREAM ABOUT PHIL RIVERS WITH MOUTH-EYES TONIGHT.  GONNA MAKE NICE PICTURES IN THE HEADSPOT.

NICE PICTURES.

NICE PIC…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Marisa Miller: Hey, Ben. 

Ben: HI

Marisa: You like what you see?

Ben: THATS A NICE MOTORBIKE YES

Marisa: Wanna go for a ride?

Ben: THANK YOU LADY BUT NO.  YOU DONT GOT NO HELMET FOR THE BEN.  CAN’T GET OUCHIE BEFORE RAVENS GAME.

Marisa: That’s cool.  Maybe Jay Cutler wants to ride with me.

Ben: BRONCO JAY IS HERE?

(more…)

Mike Tomlin: Ben, glad to have you back at practice yesterday. Last time we played the Chargers, we outgained them almost two-to-one but only came away with nine points from the offense. Gotta improve on that.

Ben Roethlisberger: …

Mike Tomlin: Ben! You with me? I know you passed the memory test, but I’mma need you sharp out there. Can’t afford mental mistakes in the playoffs.

Ben!

BEN!

Roethlisberger: HEADSPOT FEELS GROGGY. TOO MUCH HEAD IN THE GROG

MUST…KEEP HEAD IN MULTIPLAYER GAME

Tomlin: Comrade! We must exterminate the scum that has laid waste to our homeland. Take your gun and strike them down!

Ben: AYE AYE COACH

Roethlisberger: HEINZ FIELD IN BETTER SHAPE THAN NORMAL. GOT MY PEW MACHINE READY. LET’S GREASE US SOME JAPS!

WAIT – I THOUGHT I WAS IN A RUSSIA STAGE! THIS WAR TAKING A TOLL ON THE BEN

WHAT’S IN THAT TREE!?

PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW

OH, THERE’S A TREE IN THAT TREE.

AAAAAHHHHHH NO, HOW’D THE JAPS RECRUIT YOU HINES? DON’T WANNA GREASE THE HINES. HE’S THE ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO SCORE ME THE CHOCO TACO

HIT R2 BUTTON!

R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2

WHEW – BROKE HINES TACKLE. THAT WAS TOO CLOSE

WHY THE NATE DAWG IN MY SCOPE? DON’T WANNA PEW HIM EITHER. THIS WAR IS TURNING STEELER AGAINST STEELER. THIS IS THE WORST TRIP THE BEN EVER BEEN ON.

[Mike Scifres pooch punts grenade at him]

LINEMEN PLEASE FALL ON GRENADE FOR THE BEN

PLEASE

LINEMEN?

HALP!

BEN…

BEN NOT DEAD?

WHEN I SIGN UP FOR THE XBOX HEAD MEMBERSHIP?

IT KINDA COOL

AWWW THE HEAD GO WHOMP ON THE HEINZ MARSH. SPONGE TURF IS WORST KIND OF TURF TO BANG HEADSPOT ON.

HI TRAINING STAFF

NO WANT TO GET UP NOW. WANT TO TALK. WHAT ON YOUR MIND? YES, I’M OKAY. MAKING SCENE LIKE TIME MOM ROETHLISBERGER NO BUY ME METAL SLUG 2 FOR NEO GEO.

HOW LONG IT BEEN? 15 MINUTES? THAT’S A WHOLE QUARTER! THAT MEANS IT HALFTIME.

NOT HALFTIME. WELL BEN NO MOVING WITHOUT HIS CHOCO TACO.

YES, TAKE OFF FACEBARS. THEY INTERFERE WITH EATING INJURY CHOCO TACO. QUICK, YOU GET ME ONE. BE GOOD AS NEW. THEY HAVE THEM AT AMBULANCE HUB? LET’S GO THERE!