Ben Roethlisberger: HINES!

HINES!

ME NOT SAYING HI TO YOU TODAY BECAUSE YOU MADE MUD OF THE BEN’S NAME! ME AFRAID TO SHOW FACE BECAUSE ME KNOW PEOPLE THINK “THERE GO BIG MUD! HINES SAY SO!” YOU GO ON TV AND TELL SPORTS MIDGET THAT THE BEN IS NAMBY PAMBY MAN FOR MISSING GAME AGAINST DRUGTOWN?

THE BEN HAS PLAYED WITH OWIES IN EVERY SPOT YOU CAN HAVE OWIES!

HEAD OWIES
KNEE OWIES
ARM OWIES
CHEST OWIES
RIBWICH OWIES
OTHER ARM OWIES

AND UHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND SOME OTHER OWIES

BUT NOW YOU SAID BAD THINGS AND MADE THE BEN LOOK WEAK! HOW SUPPOSED TO BE FEARLESS LEADER WHEN TEAMMATES THINK THE BEN HIDING LIKE WHEN YOU GET RED SCREEN IN CALL OF DUTY AND HAVE TO HIDE FOR 5 SECONDS UNTIL YOUR BULLET WOUNDS HEAL LIKE MAGIC! DRUGTOWN FANS EVEN SAY THE BEN IS A DRAMA QUEEN!

[Strikes heroic pose]

THE BENNNNN IS NOOOOOOO DRAAAAMMMMMAAAAAA QUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN

ME THINK MAYBE ME NEED NEW RECEIVER FRIEND. MIKE WALLACE GOTS THE COOL MOHAWK! MAYBE HE WANT TO PAL AROUND AND SHARE CHOCO TACO!

Hines Ward: I so solly.

I am knowing that I owe foll you big aporogy.

Was so flustlated when I heal on Satulday that you no be praying against Bartimole. Big game come the next day and all sudden we have Kolderr Stewalt Juniol as qualtelback. Foll many yeals had to pray with Kolderr. Not want go back to that.

So not bloadcaster know Hines upset and ask for intelview. He work sympathies because he is not tarr rike me.

Get me to say thing I leglet now. I was no mean them! So much flustlation because I hate the Latbilds! So fun when get to knock Ed Leed on glound. He tly to tacker me Sunday and I push him 10 yald. I win wheer ballow lace with Ed Leed!

I am hope you accept aporogy and we move on to pray Laidels. Save season 100 pelcent!

Ben Roethlisberger: UHHHHHHH SORRY THE BEN BLACKED OUT FOR A SECOND

Hines Ward: Pussy.

Hines Ward: I am no berieve peeper say that numbell one smaltest leceivel arso numbell one dilty prayer.

Clazy! This not having sense. Evelytime, I am making pray extla crean. No othel prayer in reague make pray as crean as I make pray. Give smirre upon compretion of selvice. You see and think to youlserf, “Wow nevel have a seen so crean a pray. I courd eat dinnel light off this pray.”

So why othel footbarr prayer make vote for me be numbell one diltbarr? Jearousy is most rikery the leason. They rook and see they-ul pray not as crean as Hines Wald pray. Say to themserves, “HE IS THINK HE IS SO CREAN! I AM SHOWING HINES WALD BY VOTE HIM DILTY MAN!”

Werr, I am vote 11.6 pelcent of the reague as the most jearous 11.6 percent of the NFR. HOW DOES THAT FEER? TWO CAN PRAY THE ANG-LEE VOTE GAME!

[Door marked "Push" is pulled for two minutes, then flies open]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES

THE BEN IS HELLA STOKED FOR NEW CALL OF DUTY NEXT WEEK! THIS TIME THE WARFARE IS MODERN FOR THE SECOND TIME! I’M GONNA PEW THEN PWN THEN PEW THEN MAYBE UNLEASH KNIFE PWNAGE! BUT IN MODERN STYLE!

WAIT – THAT’S NOT A STOKED FACE! WHY HINES HAS A SAD?

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, rook at rist of dilty prayer foll this yeal. Who you am seeing at top?

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S YOU! YOU WIN!

Hines Ward: No, you am not undelstand. Is bad rist! Is not rist you want to be on! Is rist that say to wolrd – this man is dilty man. He shamefurr with dilt! No ret him mally youl daughtel.

Ben Roethlisberger: UH OH

Hines Ward: What?

Ben Roethlisberger: BEN SCREW POOCH

Hines Ward: What you do?

Ben Roethlisberger: I THINK THE BEN VOTED FOR YOU ON THE BAD LIST. SEE, THE MAN ASK THE BEN TO VOTE FOR DIRTY GUY. AND I ‘MEMBERS THIS ONE TIME I SAW YOU DIVE FOR THROW AND GET UP COVERED IN THE ICK. HINES IS A DIRTY GUY! I VOTE FOR HINES!

Hines Ward: I am hoping you not expecting brockers on colnel britz when we pray the Bloncos.

Ben Roethlisberger: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE MAD?

Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

Plaintiff

Andrea McNulty_________________________Tila “Tequila” Nguyen

Defendant

Ben Roethlisberger_______________________Shawne Merriman

For the crime of

Unwanted Bentrain ride to sextown_______________Fistual neck hugging

How she crazy?

Romancing fake soldier over the Internet_______Stripping nekkid before storming out to drive home drunk

Will her case go to trial?

Probably_______________________Not even if she blows the DA (she tried)

Things she would buy with cash settlement?

Rescued palomino from the Raped Horses farm_____________Scented boob job

Preferred form of rape

The kind she agrees to then sues for later____________Chokerape

No means…

Something if you’re not famous____________________She’s not drunk yet

Sound the rape whistle, Buster!

Rape Whistle sound bite  Arrested Development sound bites

Do all women fall for the “come fix my TV” ploy?

Then again…

Initiating move

I DIDN’T_______________________________ME NEITHER!

Finishing move

Wait a year and find out_______________________Mystery rape children!

BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR MUST PREPARE

PLAY HOSTMAN TO WEEKNIGHT WRESTLEFEST RAW IS WARZONE

SPEND ALL DAY AND NIGHT PERFECTING DEVASTING PUMP FAKE OF DEATH

Mike Tomlin: I think that’s “a bad idea”, Ben

Ben Mysterio Jr.: MAYBE IF YOU IS SUPERSTAR QUARTERBACK GUY, THE BEN! BUT I AM SUPERSTAR WRESTLE-GRAPPLER GUY, BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR.

BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR DOES NOT KNOW OF FEAR OR BAD IDEAS OR HOT READS WHEN THE BLITZ IS COMING

Mike Tomlin: Everyone knows that “is an assumed identity” and that “you are really Ben Roethlisberger”

Ben Mysterio Jr.: [Slightly lower voice] NOT SO LOUD! YOU IS BLOWING THE BEN’S COVER, COACH.

Mike Tomlin: Remember, we have “lost our last two games” and face “a difficult opponent on Sunday.” Losing this game could “endanger our season.”

Furthermore, the “last thing” we need is “another pointless distraction”.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: DANGER? WHAT IS DANGER OF WHICH YOU IS TALKING?

THERE IS NO DANGER WHEN BEN IS ACCOMPANIED BY TAG TEAM BUDDY MAN, LIMAS GREED!

HE IS FORMER BAD GUY, ONCE ONLY INTERESTED IN MONEY, BUT BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR TALK TO HIM AND CONVINCE HIM TO TURN FACE

TOGETHER WE IS THE PEW CREW!

YOU TELL HIM, LIMAS GREED!

Limas Greed: [Drops microphone, fakes injury]

HE NOT GOOD ON THE MIC, BUT VERY PROFICIENT TECHNICAL WRASSLER

TOGETHER, WE HAVE AWESOME FINISHER. I PUMP FAKE 18 TIMES, THROW WRASSLER AT HIM, HE MISSES WRASSLER AND WRASSLER CRASHES INTO EXPOSED CONCRETE FLOOR

THEN A QUICK COVER 1,2…

[Processes]

[Processes]

[Processes]

NUMBER AFTER 2! BELL RING! THE PEW CREW WIN AGAIN! TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLLDDDD!

Mike Tomlin: Don’t think I won’t replace your goofy white ass with “Dennis Dixon”

The Steelers have won eight straight at Paul Brown Stadium and The Ben has gotten his PEW on in his home state of Ohio, amassing a record of 11-0 there as a pro (a point which will NEVER BE MENTIONED DURING THIS GAME). However, last week the Bengals notched a rare pre-Week 7 victory by virtue of five sacks by previously little-known defensive end Antwan Odom, so pretty much everyone has hopped on them this week to pull another upset. Not to mention Spongetech stock is soaring.

Ocho has vowed to make Steelers corners Ike Taylor and William Gay “kiss the baby” and announced that he has a Spanish-themed TD celebration in the works should he reach the endzone. By that, I mean he intends to take a three-hour midday siesta. Mostly likely, though, he plans to have Chris Berman make 18 more painful and repetitive jokes via satellite about ESPN’s new Countdown weatherlady, Marisol.

Last week: “When it’s raining, Marisol, I’m going to call you Parisol.” (laughs to himself)

This week: “Again, when it’s raining, Marisol is Parisol.” (face almost explodes over his hilarity)

flubby: “Also, parasols are used when it’s sunny.”

(more…)

HI LEGAL COUNSEL FOR CRAZY COWBOY LADY

YOU SAID YOU IS WANTING LIST OF LIFETIME PORKING PARTNERS THAT THE BEN HAS EVER DONE THE WHOOPIE TO

…

OKAY

…

HERE IS THE MANIFEST FOR THE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETIE (THIS ONE TENDER)
PLUMBER LADY
PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL (DOMINOES)
MIAMI OF OHIO SKANK 1
MIAMI OF OHIO SKANK 2
MIAMI OF OHIO SKANKS 3-14 AT SAME TIME
GEEK SQUAD CHICK WITH LIP STUD
CENSUS TAKER
MAIL LADY
LADY IN EL CAMINO BEHIND CHILI’S
PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL (PAPA JOHNS)
COWHER DAUGHTER
OTHER COWHER DAUGHTER
COWHER DAUGHTER WITH BIG CHIN AND MUSTACHE
WINDSHIELD
NURSE LADY WITH THING FOR GUYS WITH NO FACE
KICKER MAN

MISSY SHE HAS PRETTY HAIR
NATALIE GULBIS
PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL (STRIPPER DRESSED AS PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL)
STOLEN NATALIE GULBIS UNDIEPANTS
JUSTIN HARTWIG’S GIRLFRIEND (IN DA BUTT)
CRAZY COWBOY LADY WHO DOUBLES AS TV REPAIRLADY
SHAQ

WEEK OF BOOK WHORING WHORES ON. Dan Levy had me as a guest for the second time on his On the DL podcast, where we discussed the book, tackled his questionable allegiance hopping, and also touched on Favraro’s latest escapade, Vick, Shaq vs. Ben (no word on whether they made post-rape dinner plans) and assorted other topics. I also wrote a guest post for Pro Football Talk about five players off limits to haters this year (and PFT has a particularly strong contingent of haters in its readership). This also serves as your weekly reminder for the submission of sexbag questions. If you can mention how the gift of my book made your girlfriend submit to anal, all the better.

HALP!

HINES YOU GOTSTA HALP

Hines Ward: Carm down, carm down. What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: CRAZY COWBOY LADY SAY THE BEN PUT HIS PENISSPOT WHERE IT SHOULDNA BEEN

Hines Ward: She is say you is commit the lape?

Hmm

Vvveeeeeeellllleeeeee selious

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT THE BEN DONE NOTHING BAD! HE IS PURE AS NEW CHOCO TACO FRESH OUT THE WRAPPER! SHE IS THE FIBBER! SHE IS THE FIBBER!

Hines: You is needing to lerax and make exprain what is -

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW THE BEN FANS ALL THINK BEN IS BAD BEN. THEY DON’T BELIEVE NOTHING I TELLS THEM. EVEN KIDS CHASE THE BEN AROUND AND SAY HE IS THE GIVER OF THE BAD TOUCH.

Hines: Foll stalter, you terr foll me what is happen on night with supellclazy cowboy woman. Make celtain you not reave out any detairs.

Ben Roethlisberger: OK. IT GO LIKE THIS:

THE BEN IS IN HOTEL TO STAY FOR OFFSEASON GOLF STUFF, RIGHT? THE TV IS DONE BROKE. CANNOT PLAY CALL OF DUTY. KINDA GOING LITTLE BIT CRAZY. I SEE HOTEL LADY. I SAY, “HEY HOTEL LADY. TV IS BROKE. MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO.”

SO SHE COME IN ROOM AND PLUG IT IN AND TV WORK AGAIN LIKE MAGIC. THE BEN START PLAYING CALL OF DUTY RIGHT AWAY. BUT I NOTICE COWBOY HOTEL LADY IS STILL IN ROOM, I THINK EXPECTING HER TIP. I SAY, “GO FOR IT, HELP YOURSELF” BECAUSE MY AWESOME VELCRO WALLET IS SITTING ON THE LAMPSTAND.

NOW I IS ONLY PAYING ATTENTION TO CALL OF DUTY BECAUSE I IS PLAYING WITH MAURICE TWO-NAMES, BUT ALL A-SUDDEN IT START GETTING MORE FUN THAN USUAL. IT FEELS VERY GOOD, LIKE THE BEN HAS 20 KILL STREAK, BUT THE BEN DOESN’T HAVE 20 KILL STREAK AT ALL. GOOD FEELING IS ACTUALLY COWBOY LADY WITH HER LIPS ON THE PENISSPOT.

THIS IS A SURPRISE TO THE BEN

Hines: Then what happen?

CALL OF DUTY GAME ENDS AND THERE IS A MINUTE UNTIL THE NEXT ONLINE MATCH LOADS SO I FIGURES I HAS TIME TO TAKE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. WE DO THAT, THE BEN’S PENISSPOT DUCKS OUT OF THE LADY POCKET JUST IN TIME, THEN SHE GOES TO BATHROOM TO CLEAN HERSELF OR SOMETHING. I GO BACK TO GAME.

LITTLE LATER, WHEN SHE LEAVE, SHE TELL ME TO CALL HER AGAIN. I SAID, “HARF HARF HARF, WHY SHOULD I CALL AGAIN? YOU ALREADY FIX TV”

THIS MAKES CRAZY COWBOY LADY TURN TO ANGRY CRAZY COWBOY LADY. I IS NOT SURE WHAT MAKING HER SO TICKED OFF. SHE FIXED TV, SHE BOARD EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. ALL GOOD STUFF. WHY THE ANGRY?

NOW ONE YEAR LATER SHE SAYING THE BEN PULLED A KOBE.

WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? FOR LOVE OF CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY AND HONEY COMBS CEREAL, YOU MUST TELL ME!

Hines: Thele no need to wolly, Rongrastname. Befole you come to Steerels, sevelar yeal in past, a simiral thing is happen to Jelome Bettis. Woman, she make stolee, say he make lape on hel. But we is too smalt foll hel.

It no take numbell one smaltest leceivel to see how to solve plobrem. Look at this, it say clazee cowboy woman farr in rove with fake miritaly man onrine. Arr we must do is make second fake solrdiel to sweep cowgilr off feet and she wirr terr him tluth, say stoly about Rongrastname is ugree, ugree rie. Then, viora, youl name is crean again.

Ben Roethlisberger: CAN WE CALL FAKE SOLIDER CAPTAIN BEN?

Hines: I am think I wirr be handring this.

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, OH – CORPORAL BEN? THAT IS MY RANK IN CALL OF DUTY! ALL MAKES SENSE!

BEN JUST ASK TO TASTE HER CHOCO TACO, HONEST! Ben Roethlisberger is being sued for sexual assault and/or defamation (depending on which Florio post you’re reading) by a Harrah’s employee in Nevada. However no charges have been filed and the quarterback’s lawyer has been quick to deny the claims. Quoth David Cornwell, “Ben has never sexually assaulted anyone; especially Andrea McNulty.” Yeah, Ben would never force himself on somebody, although if he did it wouldn’t be that bitch, am I right? That’s some solid lawyerin’, Corny.

Update: While ESPN remains quiet (conspiracy?) TMZ tells us that Ben’s accuser was “engaged” to a fictitious soldier, who in reality was the wife of the man she was sleeping with. Hoo boy, this is getting uncomfortable. Maybe ESPN staying quiet for the time being is a good thing.

Update II: Florio has the accusers story.

“SMASH AND DASH” SMASHED, DASHED Chris Johnson put the kibosh on the tandem nickname he shares with LenWhale, because White got gravy stains all over it and stretched it out in the legs, leaving DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart to lay claim to the moniker contention-free. LenWhale’s cool with it so long as Ben & Jerry and Harry & David keep their bonds tight.

In other news, some stupid baseball player is stealing The Ben’s mojo. NEXT THING YOU TELL THE BEN HE GOT NEW CALL OF DUTY MAP PACK ON XBOX LIVE AND CAN ALREADY PEW PEW PEW BETTER!