The Steelers have hired famed shouting homeless person Todd Haley to be their next offensive coordinator. Because that’s a reasonable move from a team that forced out Bruce Arians because his play-calling was too pass-happy.
It’s a curious call as few can tell the dynamic of the relationship Haley will have with Ben Roethlisberger. Will Haley constantly berate The Ben on the sidelines or will the two be comfortable enough together to tool around the South Side for potential date rapes? Time will tell.
“Hey big guy, from what I’ve heard, you got in a bit of trouble for getting rough with the ladies. I know what that’s like. Most of ‘em like it that way anyhow. They say they don’t, but they do. It’s all a game. These chicks, man, they ain’t nothing but trouble. Fella can’t tell where the line is these days. This one time I was crushing beers, and this little thing asked if I she can get me another. I yanked her by her hair from behind the bar to the back seat of the Camaro. Later I find out she tried to press charges. Can you believe that?
You know what? I think we’re gonna along all right, you and me. WHAT? THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN LOOK ME IN THE EYE, FAGGOT. THE F*CK YOU THINK I AM?! YOU’RE BUMPED DOWN TO PRACTICE SQUAD, STAT. WE DON’T PLAY EYE FOOTSIE IN THE HOUSE OF HALEY!”
Tebow played well. Or the Steelers defense was extra sh*tty. I’m inclined the say the former. The Steelers stacked the box and dared his holiness to throw deep and, with the help of Demaryius Thomas batting off Ike Taylor in coverage, he was able to do just that. Once Pittsburgh tied it late, I expected the Broncos to grind out an overtime drive that would end in a record-setting 70-yard overtime field goal by Matt Prater, only for Shaun Suisham to miss on a 30-yard potential tying kick. This was a lot quicker, at least.
[Bombarded by "Tebow 3:16 passed for 316 yards" messages as proof that God hates me]
Kind of a shame that Tebow was actually effective, because there was so much to hate about Phil Simms’ covering for the mistakes Tebow did make. Here’s Simms’ flagrant fluffing over Timmy being inaccurate in the first quarter, calling a clear misfire a “good throwaway”.
The Broncos advance to play New England, who Denver will likely lose to by 30 once again. The AFC divisional playoffs are going to be unwatchable blowouts, but at least the media will have a lot to gush about in the run-up to them. So that’s nice. Maybe Prater can do another of his deflections off the crossbar that lands on the 20. It’ll be his way of parting rubes from their dollars and women from their panties in his post-NFL life.
Who will more visibly venerate the Lord through on-field piety: Tebow Tebowing or Polamalu crossing himself after every play? Or will it be a surprise entrant? Like Demariyus Thomas showering the front row in communion wafers following a score?
Peter King says that the Steelers are the better team were they to meet in Wichita, but Tebow has invoked his evangelical warlock sorcery to bring Pittsburgh low, making The Ben and LaMarr Woodley gimpy, taking out Maurkice Pouncey and Rashard Mendenhall, and inflicting lifelong sickle cell on Ryan Clark. Now conditions are ripe for possible postseason Tebow Time, the legend of which will be passed down through the ages, but only after it has been altered to suit the whims of kings and other lords who will rewrite it every few generations.
There was a time when it was The Ben who was the young QB irritating people with vocal statements about his faith. You might recall that the NFL wanted to fine Roethlisberger $10,000 for writing PFJ (PRAY FER JEEBUS) on his shoes before every game his 2004 rookie season. Oh, how Benjamin changed where he strayed from the flock into the land of body shots and rapeyness. Such a shame. We can only hope for similar identity killing lapses out of Tebowmania.
Hours before the game, Jay Glazer reported that the Broncos might use Brady Quinn on critical 3rd downs, which might be proof of the existence of a benevolent God who enjoys our laughter.
When the Steelers weren’t getting manhandled by Aldon Smith, they were busy turning the ball over. Whoops, there goes the 1 seed, Yinzburgh. Best of luck with the Tebow Time versus The Ben morality play in the first round of the playoffs. Should make for fun sermons on the wickedness of rapeyness. Of course, the actual game wasn’t the biggest story of the night. Not when there were rolling flaming gay blackouts that reminded Chris Berman of earthquakes that he was able to experience firsthand and tell you about, even though they have zero bearing on ongoing breaking news.
“JUST LIKE 1989 WHEN I WENT TO THE TROUBLE TO BE AT THINGS AND REPORT LIKE I GAVE A SHIT. THAT WAS BEFORE CANNED SOUND EFFECTS BECAME MY CALLING CARD! WHAT MARVELS I SAW! WHAT MIRACLES I OBSERVED! Don’t you wish to know what I was like then? You’d like that guy. He thought about people. Bzzzzt. SIKE! PEOPLE LIKE ME! HAHAHA, THAT EARTHQUAKE WAS JUST MY EGO SHIFTING ITS WEIGHT.”
No one yet had any idea what happened other than that a transformer, like the scientific process, went boink. But no one has any less of an idea than WORST JOURNO EVER John Sutcliffe, reporter for ESPN Deportes who happened to be on hand in San Francisco to get no useful information whatsoever about the two power outages.
“When asked why they went out, the upper tier lights had no comment.”
Well, I went up to the control room. They wouldn’t open the door for me, but I banged loudly and offered chips. When they cracked the door open a slice and reuested that I prove that I have chips, I let them inspect the bag. At that time, they slid the chips inside the door and slammed it behind them. At this point, the status of the chips is unclear. BACK TO YOU, GUYS!
HARF HARF HARF COME BACK JAMES HARRISON AND HEAD SHOT THE LIGHTS BACK ON
AWWWW JAMES HARRISON Y U NO STOP THE HIGH ANKLESPOT FROM THROWING PICKERFUMBLECEPTIONS?
Because the Texans and Ravens got stomped yesterday, with a win tonight the Steelers can assume the top seed in the AFC with two games left against the Rams and Browns. Too bad the yinzers are without Maurkice Pouncey due to injury, James Harrison due to other people’s injuries and with a gimpy Graydick on the road against a 10-win team fighting for the possibility of its own playoff bye. Speaking of THE BEN, its his first-ever start in San Francisco, which Peter King might find INTERESTING because Roethlisberger grew up as a 49ers fan, just as any bandwagon hopper in Findlay, Ohio in the ’80s would be.
Our live blog last week was easily the most enthralling of the season, so I have little doubt the follow-up will be an inevitable 9-6 derpfest. At least you dear readers will get to mock your live blog moderating homer endlessly when the Steelers finish with 120 total yards on offense.
Unless you’re part of Peter King’s intended audience of people who don’t actually watch football, you have a pretty good idea of which teams are likely to make the postseason. That said, even the savviest of fans can have difficulty sorting through the thorny tangle of tiebreakers that can emerge in tight races. For instance, did you know the seventh procedure used to break a three-way tie for a Wild Card spot is “most player retweets of stupid begging desperate friendless assholes”? It’s true! That’s why they do it!
Yet some would have you believe such a scenario is determined by “best combined ranking among conference teams in points scored and points allowed”. Bunk! Pure bunk! Now you see why confusion is rampant and despair is at an all-time high. Well, worry no longer, friends. For KSK is here to provide the clarity you desperately seek. Follow the handy list below and soon you can redirect your anxiety towards other matters, like everything else in life.
NFC
Green Bay Packers
- The Packers have clinched the NFC North title.
- The Packers have also unlocked the “DOIN’ IT THE RIGHT WAY” badge on Foursquare.
- Packers fans have secured the ability to purchase many more pointless stocks in their team and, in doing so, expose themselves to fines of up to $5,000 from Roger Goodell if caught gambling on any NFL game. WHAT FUN! Aren’t those self-righteous “NFL owner” hats worth it?
San Francisco 49ers
- By winning more than half their games, the 49ers have clinched the next seven NFC West titles.
- San Francisco can attain a first-round bye in the playoffs if we can dig up another six Harbaughs to appear on camera in the next three weeks.
- Aldon Smith can secure the unending love of Bob Costas (or the tiny measure of it not already reserved for Bob Costas) if Smith continues his refusal to dance or even linger on the field after making a play.
New Orleans Saints
- If you dig up the grave Jedidiah Gabriel Collins, don’t expect to find a silver tongue. The Lancaster Football Hall of Fame isn’t letting the sucker get in the ground.
- The Saints destroy everybody in the Superdome, but have lost to such heavyweights as the Rams and Buccaneers on the road. Just a friendly reminder in case you felt like getting your hopes up that someone is capable of knocking off the Packers in Lambeau on the road to the Super Bowl.
Dallas Cowboys
- The Cowboys cheerleaders have had an eventful year. One was given a touchdown ball from boyfriend David Nelson. Another was knocked over by Jason Witten on Thanksgiving. And all have been sky fondled by Jerry Jones.
- In a year when the NFC East is so horrible and yet still so horribly overrated, is it right for any team but the Cowboys to win it? I submit that it is not.
Atlanta Falcons
- Julio Jones has clinched being the only interesting thing about this team.
Detroit Lions
- Ndamukong Suh stomped another player and possibly lied about the facts of a car accident he was in. All this Roger Goodell could deal with, UNTIL SUH MADE A MINOR VIOLATION OF THE UNIFORM POLICY, THEN THE LIFETIME BANS FLOWED LIKE WINE.
- Nate Burleson has clinched a Rainer View Elementary School Field Day participation medal. It gets prime place in the Lions trophy case.
Chicago Bears
- Devin Hester said this week that the Bears signing Donovan McNabb would be “a waste of time”. Once again, Hester is the greatest.
- The Bears implosion has less to do with Jay Cutler suffering a devastating late season injury than the universe upholding the rule that no entity associated with Roy Williams shall ever be allowed to flirt with respectability.
New York Giants
- Hey, the Giants just suffering a disappointing but noble December defeat to an unbeaten team. You know what that means: IT’S TOTALLY 2007 AGAIN! EVERYBODY SEES THE SIGNS! TIME FOR UNCOMFORTABLE ELI MANNING CHAMPIONSHIP PART TWO!
- Every scoring play is already automatically reviewed this season, but Tom Coughlin won’t rest until he can automatically challenge them all as well.
AFC
Houston Texans
- The Texans are going to make the playoffs for the first time in their history. They may even get homefield advantage. And in true Texans nature, they’re going to do so in a way that ensures the least amount of possible relevance.
- Oh yeah. Who are the Texans?
Baltimore Ravens
- Joe Flacco transformed from a middling game manager to a hardcore porn model so gradually, I didn’t even notice.
- The universe is capable of many a cruel joke, but none so cruel as to give the Pats really, really good white players like Rob Gronkowski.
- If the Packers played the Patriots in the Super Bowl, Aaron Rodgers would break Dan Marino’s single-season passing yardage record with six minutes to go in the second quarter.
Denver Broncos
- If the Broncos get Tebow to the playoffs, it can be referred to as a virgin berth.
- He’s been a hugely divisive figure, but Skrillex has nothing but the best wishes of Von Miller for winning Best New Artist at the Grammys.
- The Steelers have retroactively raped the Cowboys out of two of their Lombardi trophies when Big Ben got Tom Landry’s hat.
Oakland Raiders
- The Raiders have clinched Special Teams Champions of the 2000 NFL Draft.
Cincinnati Bengals
- More damaging to the Bengals’ playoff hopes than losing all three games against the Steelers and the Ravens is their disadvantage in the pivotal “no gingers” first tiebreaker in any playoff scenario.
- Does Cincy even need to make the playoffs? Mike Brown swindled someone in a trade this season. That’s like 15 Bengal Super Bowls.
The quarterback-deficient Chiefs were able to claim Kyle Orton off waivers last Wednesday, but they’re probably wise to not play him against the Steelers defense on four days of preparation with a new offense. No need to rush since the AFC West champ will most likely be 7-9 anyway. So it falls to Tyler Palko to once again spend a primetime game not throwing passes further than five yards. What fun!
Anyway, be sure to take a look at the chart above (click to embiggen). The fallout of the Tom Brady injury in 2008 was as tragic as the crippling was beautiful. It gave rise to Josh McDaniels as a viable head coach and, worst of all, sowed the seeds of Tebowmania. It very nearly almost makes me start to maybe think of possibly not enjoying Bernard Pollard taking out Dreamboat quite as much. Except not at all. Nothing ever comes easy, so why should glorious Greatriot knee shredding be any different?
THE BEN NO WANT COMPLAIN AND BE ROTTEN EGGMAN BUT THE BEN TAKE LOTTO HITS THIS SEASON. SO MANY OWIESPOTS THAT BEN DON’T KNOW WHERE OWIE END AND BEN BEGIN. IT BAD. VERY BAD. HAVE NO TIME IN POCKET FOR MANY PUMP FAKE, RUN AROUND IN CIRCLE THEN THROW BALL AT SAME TIME BEN IS FALLING TO GROUND. BEN CAN NO BE BEN IN THESE CONDITIONS.
Mike Tomlin: We’ve had a few setbacks with our protection up front, but to blame that for the totality of our performance is an excuse and we don’t make ‘em. We will continue to strive to correct whatever shortcomings we have as a team, but that involves each player overcoming his own shortcomings. And there isn’t a player on this team that that is perfect in this regard.
Ben Roethlisberger: BUT BEN NO LIKE! EVEN MAN INSIDE TV SAY BEN TAKE MONDO OWIES.
TV IS NEVER LIAR. TV IS FRIEND AND VIDEO GAMES MY BROTHER.
Mike Tomlin: To be frustrated in the face of adversity is human, but just being human is not the standard here. Winning is the standard. Champions abide by those standards. We intend to be champions.
Ben Roethlisberger: BEFORE SEASON, COACH TELL BEN, “BEN – GOOD NEWS. WE MAKE OFFENSE EASY. YOU START PLAY BY MAKE CHOCO TACO LICK FACE AT FAST WILLIE PARKER WALLACE. FASTMAN WALLACE THINK BEN WANT BATHROOM SMUSH, SO HE RUN REAL FAST. THE BEN HUCK N CHUCK DEEP FOR TOUCHDOWN!”
THAT WHAT COACH SAID!
Mike Tomlin: Ben. Listen, I can’t -
Maurkice Pouncey: Coach! Hey coach, come quick!
Mike Tomlin: What is it?
Maurkice Pouncey: Cone’s hurt!
Mike Tomlin: Not again! We only dressed two cones this week. That was our last one!
Hines Ward: If we am not doing something soon, Rongrastname will suffel glave injulee. Velleeeeeee sellliousss injuleeeee.
Mike Tomlin: All right. That settles it. Batch! Charlie, get up!
Charlie Batch: [Awakens from nap startled and brandishing a knife] This ain’t yer claim! I gots here first! GIT! GIT!
Mike Tomlin: Charlie, wake up. It’s Coach Tomlin.
Charlie Batch: Heh heh, so it is. Sorry ’bout that. Just had a lil’ flashback to mah prospectin’ days. So what’s the deal, coach?
Mike Tomlin: I need you to get in there.
Charlie Batch: Whatever you say, pardner. I’ll work the kinks out of the ol’ diggin’ arm here.
Mike Tomlin: Don’t bother. We need you in at right tackle.
Charlie Batch: Tackle?! Tarnation! You can’t be serious. No way these old bones handle blocking those big studs.
Mike Tomlin: You’re at a size disadvantage. That much is obvious. But we need a warm body. And you have veteran savvy. Use that. Confuse the pass rushers with stories about when a gallon of milk used to cost 17 cents.
Charlie Batch: Grocer’d knock it down to a plug nickel if’n you could spin a good yarn about the Dust Bowl.
Mike Tomlin: Save it for the field, Charlie. Now get in there!
[Batch goes in, Roethlisberger strip-sacked for the eighth time of the 1st half]
Mike Tomlin: Sigh. This is going to be a long season.
Dick LeBeau: Settle down, coach. Them other fellers only got 126 yards rushing this half. Got ‘em right where we want ‘em.
Aaron Smith: When are they gonna install a duck pond in this godforsaken stadium?
Dick LeBeau: As soon as you get off your keister and make a play.
Aaron Smith: Baaaaaahhhh! [Waves hand dismissively] Forget it.
Finally, after a two week run-up that featured such prepossessing storylines as Hines Ward going to a strip club, Ben Roethlisberger singing “Piano Man” at a bar and a bunch of injured Packers players being upset for being excluded, then included with criticism, into a team photo, we finally have a football game to a decide a champion.
Green Bay fans also spent the break cribbing all the Steelers fan traditions that people find obnoxious. A Titletown Towel has been produced for the game by the same company that manufactures The Terrible Towel. Lil’ Wayne, who claims both the Packers and his hometown Saints as his teams, remixed “Black and Yellow” with the predictable enough title “Green and Yellow.” He makes sure to take a shot at Steelers corner Ike Taylor, who also hails from New Orleans. Clearly it’s all about Green Bay pride for Weezy.
No doubt nearly everyone who isn’t a Steelers fan is rooting against Pittsburgh getting a debatably dynastic third Super Bowl title in six years for any number of reasons, not the least of which is Ben Roethlisberger. A Steelers win would produce a bunch of facile and annoying Roethlisberger “redemption” stories, followed by twice as many indignant and contrarian pieces about how saying anything even halfway complimentary about Roethlisberger ignores the unforgettable evil of two rape allegations that produced no criminal charges. As if anyone actually forgot that they happened. Meanwhile, every outlet save Jezebel has been content to ignore that the Packers have on their roster an alleged rapist who is still being investigated. But don’t let Brandon Underwood ruin your wholesome anti-rapist rooting interest, America.
A Green Bay victory would stick in the Ol’ Dongslinger’s craw and make his lone career Super Bowl victory that much less impressive, which would be nice. But that line of reasoning neglects that Favretard Green Bay fans gleefully enabled that prima donna asshole for years and years without compunction. 80 percent of them would still accept him as starter tomorrow even if Rodgers wins today. That’s not gonna be enough to sway anyone to back the Steelers, but just something to think about when you see five million fat cheeseheads imitate Rodgers’ title belt celebration if the Pack wins.
Oh, and this very well might be the last meaningful scab-free NFL game until 2012. You should probably make the most of it.
Mike Tomlin: We’re a group of professionals with a job that needs to be done. No one knows that more than us. The standard is still the standard. And the standard is winning. Like most, we’ve had to deal with our share of adversity to get to this destination, this proving ground, you could call it. It’s a credit to this team, a testament to our fortitude, that they were able to overcome whereas some others might not have. But we know this is not the end of the road. We are focused on the task laid out before us. The circus is nothing new. We have nothing to add to it. We’re just taking this in stride and trying to have a little fun. As the saying goes, this is not our first rodeo.
Mike Tomlin: Like I was saying, we’ve chosen to draw attention to ourselves and embrace the “bad guy role,” in that we’re openly antagonizing the league through the media. Some might say it’s a little reckless, but this is an approach we’ve taken all season. From that standpoint, we’re comfortable with it. It’s a situation I’m sure 30 other teams would be glad to find themselves in. If Roger Goodell shows up on the sideline near the end of this game, I will make it a point to ridicule his person and possibly belittle his manhood. Should I feel comfortable with the status of the game, I might lead a cheer mocking the way he has almost single-handedly ruined the NFL. I would also not hesitate to shove him off the trophy podium. That’s just the kind of team we are. It would be foolish to try to change horses midstream.
Hines Ward: I am alive in Darras. I rasso Supell Bore tighter numbell free. Hippie-High-Ho-Kim-Chi. Lide into sunset as urtimate champion. Can gualantee entlee into Harr of Fame. We am make Tang Dynasty rook rike Putang Dynasty. This joke am make sense to you? We have chance foll make regacy extla stlong! They leemembel us follevel. They make Amellican Westeln movie and we arr stals.
Ben Roethlisberger: HI COWBOY HINES. THE BEN SAW COWBOY IN TOY STORY 3 AND MADE SALT SPIT OUT MY EYESPOT.
WHERE ELSE THE BEN SEE COWPEOPLE?
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
UH… HINES? NEED HELP WITH FIXING TELEVISION IN THE BATHROOM STALL. IT VERY IMPORTANT FOR GAMEPLAN. WE MIGHT LOSE IF THIS TV DON’T GET FIXED. WILL SIX SHOTS OF JAGER MAKE YOU WANT TO FIX THIS TV?
Mike Tomlin: It appears now that our quarterback has made inappropriate overtures toward one of our wide receivers. If you’d like to follow me, the team has set up a crisis tent in the parking lot for further discussion of this matter. Before you go telling wild stories or engage full-on media meltdown, I would like to reiterate that these sort of allegations are nothing new to this team and we are mentally prepared, as we have been all season, to handle them. I’d be more worried if there were less adversity, to tell the truth. Maybe other people like easy things. That’s not our M.O. and it’s one with a track record of success. It’s not about style points for us. We are about winning by any means necessary, even if those means repel or even disgust you. In fact, I’d like to call in a bomb threat right now. Have it right under Goodell’s stupid narrow ass.
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