Ben Roethlisberger: LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE, HERE… IN… BIG BEN! RACECARS, LASERS, AEROPLANES, IT’S… A… BIG BEN! MIGHT SOLVE A MYSTERY. OR REWRITE HISTORY… BIG BEN! WOO-OOOOO! EVERY DAY THEY’RE OUT THERE MAKING BIG BEN! WOO-OOOOO!

Mike Tomlin: Ben! Ben! Goddammit, Ben! Pay attention!

Roethlisberger: HOH?

Tomlin: Some of us are trying to gameplan for the Texans game. This ain’t the motherfucking preseason no more, shitferbrains.

Roethlisberger: BUT I’M PLAYING CALL OF DUTY 4 IN MY HEAD.

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW

TAKE THAT, TURRURIST!

Tomlin: C’mon man, that’s enough already. Bruce Arians wants to go over QB keepers on 3rd and too many yards!

Ben!

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW

Tomlin: Someone take those damn guns away from him!

Limas Sweed: [Said while dropping pass] But he doesn’t have any!

Rashard Mendenhall: [Said while fumbling ball] Yeah, he’s using gunfingaz!

Santonio Holmes: [Admires own penis] …

Tomlin: How’m I supposed to get him under control, then?

[Ornate oriental curtain flies open]

Hines Ward: Me think me know how hander Rongrastname!

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW — OH HI HINES!

Ward: Herrrrrro Rongrastname. You and me, ferrow team captain! Leemembel what I say about you risten to coach Tomrin?

Roethlisberger: THAT I SHOULD DO IT?

Ward: And if you do…?

Roethlisberger: BEN GET CHOCO TACO!

Ward: That velee good Rongrastname. Go now, lun arong, go plactice!

[Ben skips off]

Tomlin: So that’s all I gotta do? Promise mental midget a choco taco?

Wald: You is stirr inexpelienced, coach Tomrin. Much to realn about qualtelback. One day, I show foll you. Untir then, KEEP YOUL BRACK HANDS OFF HINES WALD MELCHANDISE!

Tomlin: What merchandise?

Wald: Hey! Hey! I don’t want want no tlouber! I don’t want no tlouber!

[Backs away slowly]

Ben Roethlisberger: IS FUNNY, MAN. EVERYTIME I’M WATCHIN’ THAT VIDEO MY MIND GOES BLANK. I MEAN IT GOES, LIKE

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…

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BLANK.

JUST LIKE THAT

WHAT DO THE BRAIN WANT ME TO FORGET?

I EVEN ‘MEMBER THAT GAME ‘GAINST THE RAIDERS IN ‘06 WHEN I THREW ALL THEM PICKERCEPTIONS. THAT WAS A BLOWER. AND ALL THEM SACKS I TOOK LAST YEAR IS PISTOL CLEAR. WHAT’S THE DEAL? SO IT’S NOT LIKE I BLOCKING STUFF OUT.

ANYWAY, RIGHT NOW I’M TRYNA BUY THESE TIXETS TO THE MESS WITH THE ZOHAN MOVIE. HEY YOU THINK HE RELATED TO THE LINDSAY ZOHAN?

HARF HARF HARF THAT’S JOKES.

IKE TAYLOR SAID WE SHOULD PUFF UP ON SOME CHEEB BEFORE WE SEE THE ZOHAN. I DUNNO. UNLESS THERE’S SOME MARIJUANA COLOR PAINT TO HUFF, I AIN’T GETTING NEAR THE STUFF. GIVES YOU REEFER SADNESS. I’M TRYNA KEEP POSATIVE OUTLOOK.

SINCE WE TALKIN’ MOVIES, I’M HOPIN’ HEAF MILLER GONNA WANNA SEE THE LOVE GORO WIF ME WHEN THAT SHIZ DONE DROP. REMEMBER GORO FROM MORTAL KOMBAT? IN THIS MOVIE HE IN LOVE. THAT’S A TRIP. HE PROLLY NEED BITCH WITH FO’ JUBBLIES TO SATISFY HIM. I AX MARVEL SMIF IF ANY GIRL HE KNOW HAS FO’ JUBBLIES AND HE SAY NAW. THAT’S SOME BUTT.

NOW THAT I GOTS ALL THE NEW CONTRACT MONEY - I BOUGHT MY FRIENDS AIRSOFT RIFLES SO THEY COULD PLAY MAD MAX ON THE BIKES I GOT THEM. CAN’T GET NEAR THEM THINGS THOUGH. THEY TRYNA GET ME TO RIDE ONE BUT I GET ALL TWITCHY AND PASS OUT. WHAT THE BRAIN GOT ‘GAINST BIKES?

ALL WILL BE REVEALED WHEN I HUFF ON THE RED PAINT. WORD HAS IT THAT’S THE ONE THAT IMPROVES ‘MEMBERY. HAD TO BE SOMETHING BAD WHAT HAPPENED.