NFL Films did a typically excellent job with the first installment of the Bill Belichick documentary series. It’s a well-done, insightful look into the monomaniacal life of the Spite King of The Hobos. The problem is, “Hard Knocks” spoiled us by making audiences accustomed to documentary subjects who actually have personalities. Whereas Rex Ryan gave stirring, memorable speeches that we’ll quote through the ages, Belichick deadpans brittle platitudes and coldly lists team shortcomings. Rex appeared briefly in the first episode tonight, if only as a source of trash talk against the Patriots. Belichick is asked for a response by a reporter over the phone, whereupon he stammers for about 20 seconds before brushing off the question. GREAT TELEVISION. LOFTY TELEVISION. That he lacks a way with words and human feeling doesn’t make Grumblelord a lesser coach, obviously, just a far more boring one. And really, is anyone shocked that that’s how Belicheat actually is? Of course not.

It’s great viewing if your idea of humanizing portrait is a coach disdainfully eating melon while conducting phone interviews with reporters, playing golf in jeans and crying about how much he misses spending all of his time watching film and being berated by Bill Parcells in the Giants team headquarters way back when. In the end, Belichick is still football culture’s platonic ideal of an NFL coach: lifeless, uncaring and obsessed with minutiae. But he’s fantastically successful so he gets a documentary series. It’s about as fun to watch as it probably is to experience. Which is to say, not very much. Like I said, unprecedented access that was rewarded by a good job putting it together. The part where Brady and Belichick sat in the coach’s office and scouted the Ravens defense was legitimately illuminating, but I could have mostly done without the rest.

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I could’ve been hitting the campaign trail months ago. Wes Welker would’ve been stumping for me. I wouldn’t have lost a single white vote. Even better, unlike that fogey McCain, I’m actually in favor of spying on folks.

Okay, okay, looks like Mexico Juan got the jump on me in ballin’ outside the vows of marriage, but, hey, I didn’t deny it. That’s accountability, people.

And as you saw from the Super Bowl, I’m in favor of pulling out before the job is done in Iraq. Provided we’re still losing, of course. Sounds like the surge is going okay though, so we might stick around for a bit.

You know what the Supreme Court could use more of? Old white linebackers. I think Chris Spielman is worth a look, don’t you? His originalist views on the Constitution really appeal to me, as does his white skin. Coach him up, Scalia!

So, in closing, vote for me or Robert Kraft will sell the country to the Russians. Fuck you, and God bless mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble

The guys at Why the Red Sweatshirt? blame Belichick’s sartorial switcheroo for the Pats’ epic crash ‘n’ burn. Here, Bill reminds me of Hester Prynne– another known fornicator with an eye for red threads. Kicking the mumbling old troll while he’s down will probably get old in a month or two. But until then…

Image HT: The Sports Hernia

We won’t beat around the bush, we’re crazy about you, Matt Walsh. After all, what’s sexier than power? And right now we think you have the power to run Belicheat out of the league in shame and dishonor. And that’s sexy, baby.

Come to Rogg’s office and sing like the magnificent canary that, deep down, you know you are. Tell him how Bill made you tape the Rams in New Orleans and how he cackled like a maniac when you forked over the discs. Tell him where he touched you while you reviewed the Rams futile preparations over braunschweiger and warm malt liquor. Tell him how he just laughed when begged him to stop. You can do it, big guy. We believe you… and we believe IN you. <3 <3 <3

BWWWWHAAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Because, y’know, New England is probably filming it.

Suck it, fuck-oes! I lack class, ethics, hygiene, tact, diction and people who love me but one thing I don’t is a Coach of the Year Award. It feels so good in my bindle. All the other guys down at the train yard will be jealous of my big trophy. I wonder how it’ll burn in a big metal trash can?

Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble.

Let’s hear who you got in the game of the week in the comments. Drew doesn’t know yet that Greg Oden is out for the season, so feel free to toss that little nugget of info in there.

Bob Glauber is reporting that Bill Belichick has been fined $500,000 and the Patriots will lose a first-round pick in the 2008 draft. It could be only a second or and third-round pick if the Pats miss the playoffs. Fat chance of that, as the Patriots will now play pissed off for the rest of the season. A suspension would have been nice, but still– it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.