PRESENTING THE FIRST PUBLISHED WORKS OF E.E. CRUNKINGS
(Note: Every stanza has lines from both Marshawn Lynch’s blog and an e.e. cummings poem)

i know i messed up before and even fumbled, but it’s something about me that a lot of people wouldn’t believe…
buy me an ounce and i’ll sell you a pound.

anyone lived in a pretty how town
i need all da buffalo fans to keep it lit for us while we doin our thang
Buffalo Bill’s defunct who used to ride a watersmooth-silver stallion

we started workouts again and its time to do work all over again…
whistles far and wee
I’m havin a “I’m ya daddi boi toy give a way.”
and eddyandbill come running from marbles and piracies and it’s spring
Me up at does out of the floor

And eyes big love-crumbs, and possibly i like the thrill
U feel me tho? lmao.
someones married their everyones.
you wanna know how???
they do not give a fuck for luck

im n da yard today to say RIP to a fallen BEAST and ma prayers are out to his family…..
one day anyone died i guess
?o baby i wouldn’t like Death if Death were good:for when
we did are thang against dem chief.

i put my shirt and pants on da same way u do…
follow no path all paths lead where Women and men (both dong and ding)
nuh nuh nuh…

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
two words…
BEAST MODE!

Bad News, Bills: Running back Marshawn Lynch, AKA e.e. crunkings, will be suspended for the first three games of the coming season after the off-season traffic stop that led to an illegal gun conviction.  It will cost him about $112,000 in salary, which may delay his trip to Fiji to see if the water is really like that.

But worry not, Bills fans.  As Marshawn stated in his most recent blog post:

its been kinda rough dis last month on me… but i held it together and stayed strong … i figured what don’t kill me make me stronger… i know i messed up before and even fumbled, but it’s something about me that a lot of people wouldn’t believe… i put my shirt and pants on da same way u do… but on a nother note, we started workouts again and its time to do work all over again… hold ya chin up… nuh nuh nuh… gone

Oh, Marshawn, you make me want to give up capital letters forever.

[Driving outside Sony Picture headquarters in Culver City]

Film Exec: And that’s why the casting director thought you’d be perfect fit for the role.

Marshawn Lynch: I go BEEF MOE on big screen? Get paid scrilla for it?

Film Exec: That’s the idea.

Second film exec: If this works out, we could find a spot for you in our upcoming Don’t Wake Daddy feature.

Agent: Isn’t that claymation?

Second film exec: Yeah, but we need voice actors.

Agent: How about actual voice actors?

[Both laugh]

Second film exec: Yeah, sure. Sal Simmowitz on the poster. Maybe we can do a bio of him for the Blu-Ray.

[Two swap baggies of coke]

Film exec: See, we’ve done live action Muppets movies, but no one has ever done live action Muppets with actors as Muppets.

Second film exec: And you, of course, would be ideal for Animal. Just a wonderful match there. And a perfect springboard for you, by the way.

Marshawn: Anne Maul solid for BEEF MOE. Get them drums? PPPFFFFOOOOOOO Stupid on them drums, boi.

Film exec: We were thinking Rowlf, but the race thing might have made it hot button.

Second film exec: We got Angelina Jolie doing her Mighty Heart brownface thing.

Agent: Much better that way.

Marshawn: Get in character. [Bangs on steering wheel with fists] NATNATNATNATNATNATNATNATNATNAT

Film exec: Easy, easy. You got loads of time to practice this stuff. Principal photography isn’t for months.

Marshawn: [Pulls out gun] NATNATNATNATNATNATNATNAT

Second film exec: Who gave him the prop gun?

[Fire shots in the air]

Marshawn: BEEF MOE LEVEL TWO! NEXT LEVEL BEEF MOE! NATNATNATNATNATNATNATNAT

[Sirens blare]

Film exec: Aw shit. Stay cool, stay cool. We got this covered.

[Car pulls over with Marshawn still banging on the steering wheel. Cop approaches driver's side window]

Cop: All right gentlemen. Let’s have it.

[Each exec hands one baggie of coke to the cop. The cop remains impatiently with hand extended toward Marshawn.]

Cop: Ahem.

Film Exec: C’mon Marshawn. Hand one over.

[Cop clears throat. Marshawn continues banging on wheel.]

Marshawn: Ain’t got that powder for you, boy. Traded dat joint for extra Maple Butter Blondie at Applebees. Dessert too damn solid there, boy. Give me that leg kick.

Cop: That’s it. I’m taking him in.

Dick Jauron: Guys, huddle up. We really need to talk about what transpired out there yesterday.

J.P. Losman: Yeah, I know coach.

Jauron: Yes, J.P., you should know more than anyone that that was a SPECTACULAR IMPLOSION! Week after week, there’s no team that comes through with soul-crushing losses like you guys.

You see, Ralph Wilson brought me in here to quash any lingering spirit in these seemingly indefatigable Bills fans so he can relocate them to another, more economically sound and glamorous, city. Like Oklahoma City, maybe. Bills fans are a tenacious lot, though. They’ve experienced so much pain. Won’t be licked easily. We did a great job of stringing these saps along, but the way we’re dropping sure victories on a weekly basis, there’s no way these fans have any semblance of patience or hope left.

Rian Lindell: I just wish we could’ve lost on a missed field goal.

Jauron: Now, now Rian, don’t be selfish. You’ve had your go against the Browns. We need to spread that ineptitude around.

Marshawn Lynch: We had lead wif the bawl and little time left. Lemme go in BEEF MOE and we woulda won that joint.

Jauron: See, that’s the point, Marshawn. We didn’t want to win.

Lynch: Didn’t wanna go BEEF MOE?

Jauron: No, we didn’t want, ahem, Beast. Mode.

Lynch: Thaf crazy, co’. Why we even out dere den? I jus’ wanna suit up and WHOOSH go stoopid out there. Make the defense go neeeeaaaahhhhneeeaaaaahhhhneeeaaaahhhhh and fall down.

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!

You know who’s a better quarterback than Cutlerfucker? Larry Johnson. You know who else? SOME DRIPPING PIG’S PENIS HANGING OUTSIDE A BUTCHER’S SHOP IN CHINATOWN!

But right now if the season ended today it would be the Cutlerfucker and not the Laserface who would be in the playoffs. YOU REALLY WANT THAT SULKING CUM CAULDRON IN THE POSTSEASON?! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

That’s where you sacks of shit come in. You got Denver next week. You win, we naturally stomp mudholes in the Buttfuckaneers and I get my epic showdown with the Cutlerfucker for the division. I already lived up to my end by rallying my band of disgraceful underachievers on my aching shoulders yesterday in Arrowhead.

You think it’s easy to win when you throw the football like you’re putting the shot? NO, IT’S NOT FUCKING EASY! I’VE CULTIVATE A LASER-LIKE FLOAT YOU WOULD BE SMART TO NEVER RECKON WITH!

Jauron: We’d be happy to help you, but we’re doing good with the late-game caving, thanks.

Rivers: Hey, dreadlocked asshole. I’ve heard you like the Beast Mode.

Lynch: BEEF MOE?

Rivers: BEAST MODE!

Lynch: BEEF MOE!

Rivers: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Lynch: WHOOOOOOSH GOIN’ STOOOOPID! AYEAYEAYEAYEAYE

Jauron: Don’t encourage him.

Rivers: You see this Cutlerfucker?

He doesn’t want you to go in Beast Mode. He wants you to act all uppity and civilized. Maybe make you join a scrapbooking club where you share collages of your vacations to Antiqua. Teach you which one is the salad fork and shit.

Lynch: THAF NO BEEF MOE!

Rivers: No. Not at all.

Lynch: I SHOW THAT GUY! MAKE IT GO RAWR IN THE BEEF MOE! TAKE OUT THE BUCK WILD GUN AND NATNATNATNATANATNATNATNATNAT ON HE ASS!

Jauron: Shit.