I’ll be one of the first to admit that one of the problems with Chancellor Goodell’s wave of personal conduct righteousness is the near-total disregard for due process. Michael Vick, among other players whose names and situations have been well-documented, face harsh suspensions (or even expulsions from their respective teams) with little more than a wave of The Rogg’s hand. Vick’s situation, obviously more emotionally charged than those before it, appears even more perilous. Casual observers, even Vick supporters, risk being labeled as “haters,” which, I guess, is bad.

So how would one be able to publicly show support for Mr. Vick? Especially when the media, PETA, and the Salvation Army are all out to get him? Fortunately, KSK has obtained such a manifesto, in 3 parts, geared toward providing Ookie with the fan base he currently so desperately needs.

This guide was intended to be posted AS A COMMENT on Deadspin earlier today (I’m not making that up), but was intercepted by noted Combudsman Rob Iracane. KSK then brokered a deal with Mr. Iracane to acquire the manuscript, along with the rights to reproduce it in this space, as a way of telling the “other side” of this fascinating tale.

I present the Ookie Manifesto:

Article I.

FUCK ALL OF YOU VICK HATERS YOU CAN SUCK THOSE DOGS DICKS.
HOW COULD YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS CARE SO MUCH ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE ASS PIT BULLS, THESE FUCKING DOGS HAVE BEEN RECORDED KILLING FUCKING HUMANS. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KISS HIS ASS!!!!

Article II.

YOU FUCKING CRACKERS TRIED TO GET HIM OUT OF THE LEAGUE A LONG TIME AGO DEAL WITH IT HE IS A GREAT ATHLETE . ONE OF YOUR FELLOW FEMALE CRACKERS WENT BEHIND THIS AFRO AMERICAN AND PICKED UP HIS FUCKING WATER BOTTLE AND SAID IT SMELT OF WEED. ONLY IF THIS BITCH IS ALSO A FUCKING DOG AND A REGULAR CHRONIC SMOKER WOULD SHE BE ABLE TO SNIFF THE SCENT OF WEED ON THE TOP OF A WATER BOTTLE.

VICK IS RIGHT!!!! ALL THE TIME YOU GO VICK!!!!!

Article III.

RAY BU(FUCKIN)CHANNON IS A BITCH

–END–

To recap:

1. Perform canine fellatio immediately. Kiss ass.
2. Even the g0ddamn dogs are out to frame Vick.
3. Ray Buchanan is a bitch.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.