The Olympics are coming up and I really need to get this straightened out before anything gets started over there. It is okay to lust after girls that appear to be pre-pubescent, but are actually, um…Okay, let me start over.

You see, most gymnasts work out so strenuously that they can’t menstruate until after they’ve finished competing. So unless the “If there’s grass on the field…” qualifier trumps the “If she’s old enough to bleed…” qualifier, we’re probably dead in the water already.

But let’s suppose that it does. You think about the happy place on a girl that’s about 4-foot-8 and can probably curl 35 pounds with her Fallopian tubes. That particular region is probably so tight that even the most modestly-endowed men could find such confines friendly and inviting.

I mean, they don’t look like pre-teenage girls. Some of them are even in their twenties. Okay sure, the occasional balance beamer might look like JonBenet after she went though Shawne Merriman’s medicine cabinet, but most of them look like fresh-faced, wholesome, All-American girls. That don’t wear pants.

I’m still torn. I’ll have to slap this issue around more and get back to you.