You might think it cruel of me to be picking on this misguided tyke, for no other reason that he violates the first cardinal rule of fandom (to wit: YOU CANNOT ROOT FOR MORE THAN ONE GODDAMN TEAM). But I feel if he stumbles upon some of the negative comments bound to crop up on his YouTube page, he might correct his problem before he reaches the age where he would be forced to answer for his crimes with foot-fed mouthfuls of a parking lot curb.

Now, everyone in their right mind knows the rooting hierarchy goes:

1. Your favorite team.

31-way tie for last place: EVERY OTHER FUCKING TEAM IN THE NFL.

Maybe I can accept a 28-way tie for fourth last followed by the other three teams in your division at 30, 31 and 32. But what this little shit did is beyond the pale. Let’s review.

1. Dallas Cowboys [with douchey chest pound for emphasis] – Die. Even if you live in Dallas. Especially if you live in Dallas.

2. San Diego Chargers - I suppose if one were fucktarded enough to have a “second favorite team” in addition to the Cowboys, this would be a fine selection. Other conference. No discernible bad blood between the teams. Hokay. My blood hasn’t reached proper boil just yet.

3. New York Jets – Again, no real beef with your supposed favorite team, and they’re bad enough so as not to get you labeled a serious bandwagon fan. Rage still kept in check.

4. Chicago Bears - CHICAGO AS NO. 4? WE HAVE A PETER KING IN TRAINING. JUST GOTTA SWAP THE MONSTER-FLAVORED WATER FOR THE COFFEE, DUDE!

5. Detroit Lions – Ah, the token really bad team, solely included for the tortured fandom bona fides. It’s like the anklebiter put some effort into this.

6. New Orleans Saints - Made all the worse because he pronounced the city like Al Michaels. Note he’s now checked off three consecutive NFC teams, two which could be contending for playoff spots with his beloved Cowboys next year.

7. New York Giants - Waitwaitwait. The Cowboys are your favorite team AND YOU HAVE HATED DIVISION RIVALS IN YOUR TOP TEN?! WHAT IN THE NAME OF TERRENCE NEWMAN’S PUCKERED ASSHOLE IS WRONG WITH YOU? EAT TOXIC PLAY-DOH!

8. Philadelphia Eagles - Now you’re just piling on, kiddo.

9. ???????? - WILD CARD BANDWAGON PICK!

10. Seattle Seahawks – And here we have yet another NFC team, one that handed your ‘Boys an embarrassing playoff defeat not but a few years ago. Not only is it another egregious gaffe, but it goes against everything that it means to be a Seahawks fan. They begrudge big game defeats for the rest of their miserable lives. THEY WILL NOT HAVE YOU AS A 13TH MAN!

Unless this kid one day enrolls in an Ivy League school, I don’t think I could hate him more. I assume he has no fatherly presence available to sit him down and tell him only tonguezoomers have multiple teams. But there must be other outlets for getting this sorely needed edification. Do we, as a society, want this idea gaining ground among our youth, that is this aboveboard? That’s it’s okay to split our team allegiance willy-nilly? I’d rather my kid (God forbid) stick his dick in the sink garbage disposal. Or even watch Night at the Museum 2.

I’m not one of those reactionary Redskins fans, or one to go over the top in my reaction to a big win, but I think it’s about time we gas up the bandwagon and plan the trip to Tampa Bay. Continue after the jump for a clinical and reserved analysis of what we learned in yesterday’s win of the millennium at Dallas Stadium.

10 Things I Know I Know That I Know SI Writers Don’t Know

1. I may have been a bit hard on Jim Zorn in the past, but now I think it’s safe to say that he’s the single greatest play caller in the NFL. Watching the Zorn Star orchestrate a drive is like watching Kurosawa direct the world’s stickiest bukkake video.

2. It’s really about time that we start thinking about renaming the MVP award. The Jason Campbell Award For All-Encompassing Sexcellence is the leader in the clubhouse.

3. If the government’s nuclear football ever were to fall into the wrong hands Chris Horton would be called upon to intercept it on behalf of the Pentagon.

4. The only reason Clinton Portis isn’t leading the league in rushing is because Brian Mitchell’s bloated ass is dragging from his jock strap.

5. What happens when you mix Mark Mosley’s sperm with Jesus Christ’s sperm and then inject the resulting mixture into the womb of Kathy Ireland’s character from Necessary Roughness? Shaun Swisher Suisham.

6. The spirit of Sean Taylor has inhabited the body of Santana Moss and he’s giving the wide receiver superhuman powers. If you look closely you can see Taylor speaking through his brother from the U.

7. The foot of Durant Brooks is made of bone, muscle, ligament, skin, hematite, and sunshine.

8. Chris Paul is going to sweep the Grammy Awards.

9. If the Redskins offensive line locked arms at the old border between East and West Berlin communism would be alive and well in Europe.

10. The Redskins are sweet like apples and honey.

L’SHANA TOVA, BITCHES!

UPDATE: DAN SNYDER IS PUMPED, TO THE MAX!

via Mister Irrelevant