Look everybody! I scaahhhed tickets to the Final Fowah! They gawt live dahhkies here and everything! They even let ‘em tack on the TV. Life is wicked strange outside the ivory towah.

[Points to a guy in a turban and calls him Obama]

I’m he-ah with Cameron Crazy Nation ’bout to see Duke win yet anothah title, because Coach K is fackin smaht. He and Billy Belichick are fackin evil geniuses and you just wish you could stop them. If they combined they-ah genius they could rule the world, so you should stop bitching about they-ah coaching and just be glad you don’t have to give them 95 pahcent of yo-ah wages. Nawt that you make anywhere near as much as my dad.

[Flashes American Express black card with dad's name on it at camera]

People give me shit for rooting for good teams but I do nawt root for them because they ahhh good. They ahhh good because fans like me gawt haaaahhhhhhhttt. I willed that last second faggot Butlah desperation shawt out of the hoop. It was about to go in, and I said, “Shawt, if you go in that hoop, I will roundhouse kick ya mothah in the dick.” So it clanged out. I was rawponsible for that. They should have let me cut down the nets. Speaking of the Nets, no poor Jersey faggots will be bringing Coach K to the NBA. The Celtics already showed that successful college coaches don’t work in the NBA. If it can’t work for Bahston, why would you even try? Besides, Coach K is treated like a god by Cameron Crazy Nation. We made a cheer sheet so fans could tell him that.

[Shakes outstretched hands at usher to psych him out]

Yankees sack! Tahhh Heels sack! Tahhh Babies sack!

You might think it cruel of me to be picking on this misguided tyke, for no other reason that he violates the first cardinal rule of fandom (to wit: YOU CANNOT ROOT FOR MORE THAN ONE GODDAMN TEAM). But I feel if he stumbles upon some of the negative comments bound to crop up on his YouTube page, he might correct his problem before he reaches the age where he would be forced to answer for his crimes with foot-fed mouthfuls of a parking lot curb.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not one of those reactionary Redskins fans, or one to go over the top in my reaction to a big win, but I think it’s about time we gas up the bandwagon and plan the trip to Tampa Bay. Continue after the jump for a clinical and reserved analysis of what we learned in yesterday’s win of the millennium at Dallas Stadium.

Read the rest of this entry »