Did you know that Ray Lewis is America? It true. He embodies the best and worst within us all. Look at the way he hams it up during the anthem. That’s so goddamn American, whether he’s doing it out of pure patriotism or whether affecting said patriotism will make him seem more virtuous to people who need to view Ray Lewis as virtuous despite all that bad stuff he did. It doesn’t matter. Just freeze dry it, add a ton of sodium and sell it for $3 at Wal-Mart next to TGI Friday’s home dinners. Serves America.
Did you know that Ray Lewis calls his team’s offensive plays? It’s true. Cris Collinsworth said so. He’s become so bored with simply being a superstar linebacker that the Ravens have ceded play-calling duties to him. Why not? Cam Cameron sucks anyway. Those bombs to Torrey Smith the other week? All Ray-Ray. He also adopted a daring attack that would prevail despite Joe Flacco not completing a pass in either the second or third quarters. HE’S JUST TOYING WITH US NOW!
And Nacho is Mexico, clearly. You can see it right there on his mouth piece. He is a simple hard-working unskilled laborer who will grind himself to the bone doing the job that no one in the world wants to do (Jets quarterback). But that’s not enough to beat America. No, not yet. Not until he can breed himself into the majority (your teenage daughter).
During the Sunday Night Football Night In Redundancy Night pregame show, Bart Scott dubbed himself “The Mad Backer” which is just about as stupid a nickname as the “T-Sizzle” moniker belonging to former teammate and tonight’s opponent, Terrell Suggs. Not to be outdone, Terrell Suggs did what he does in preparation of any big game – he resorted to TEE SHIRT TRASH TALK! DOWN WITH HOMEWORK! DONE WITH HOMEWORK!
Anyway, these two teams played a painfully sloppy game in Week 1 last year, so let’s hope for something just a little more watchable this go-round. Also, the swift end of Ray Lewis’ playing career. Not asking for much, here.
Don’t stop your schadenfreude at the Colts. Guess the Ravens have to destroy the Yinzers every five years or so. But, yeah, the Chiefs look pretty bad, too.
What’s this? Actual roster moves being made? It’s as though an agonizing labor standoff has just been mercifully curtailed. Funny thing, that.
But it’s true! There was news being broken (news is very fragile and we must treat it with more care) yesterday that actually affects how teams will fare on the field. THE VERY THOUGHT! The news wasn’t even fixated on how shares of mountains of money will be dispersed among players and owners and agents and Ticketmaster and bartenders and retard bloggers because of your unhealthy obsession with the NFL. It was actually about football!
But what? What were the first ripples of activity before the upcoming melee of overspending? Just follow the bold, my friends.
The Ravens cut Willis McGahee, noted Ray Rice touchdown vulture and next notch below Antonio Cromartie on the illegitimate child generator power rankings. This was not a surprise, as McGahee has sucked pretty hard for some time. What was a surprise was that the Ravens also cut Joe Flacco’s safety blanket, Derrick Mason, along with fat white guy Kelly Gregg and very-popular-in-Baltimore white guy Todd Heap. Some have speculated that this is because the Ravens are making a play for Nnamdi Asomugha in free agency. If true, between that and the Boldin acquisition last year, the Ravens might soon be posing a challenge to the Redskins’ status as perennial Offseason Champs. Also, it’s possible that Gregg, Heap and Mason will all be back in Baltimore at a lower cost, which will have proven that the players fought long and hard to return to being easily disposable chattel.
A lot of undrafted free agents were signed. Or agreed to terms to be signed. Or some other arcane phrasing. It won’t really matter except for the one or two of these players who happen to be breakout stars down the line. These will occasion analysts to glibly mock the other 31 teams for not drafting them or somehow knowing that success would come. What’s that? You didn’t guess that his two-touchdown game against ECU presaged certain superstardom? YOU CLOD!
One of the players signed last night was trill-as-it-gets Florida safety Will Hill, who landed with the Redskins and is likely to soon begin engaging in a lengthy prostitute plank war in Thomas Circle with Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee.
Jim Irsay indicated that there exists a price he will not exceed for Peyton Manning. This is a bold thing to say, even for the desperately suicidal. Does he not know that the Fat Humps are prepared to sacrifice everything, to pay whatever price is demanded of them, to ignore as many as one fourthmeal, so that they can enjoy seeing Pey-Pey flinch horribly and toss mercy picks once he’s contacted? If there’s an amount needed to secure the future of a 35-year-old quarterback, you pay it. You don’t ask questions. Because Steak ‘n Shake doesn’t do menu changes.
T-SIZZLE ONLY BANGING CELINE DION AURALLY Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs recently sat down for an interview on NFL Network to address some insipid comments by former teammate Bart Scott about how the Ravens aren’t as loose since John Harbaugh took over as head coach.
To let This Fuggin Bart Guy know that Suggs is, in fact, calmer’n you are, he relayed the following:
“Really, Bart. We have fun. That first year, we had that change and it was kind of weird. But you don’t think me and Haloti Ngata don’t have fun? I’m the loosest guy in the NFL. It’s still a very loose locker room. I’m still banging Celine Dion out of my locker.”
At that point, Fran Charles had to jump in and clarify that Suggs was talking about Dion’s music, so as to avoid a thoroughgoing Mike Florio investigation into whether Celine Dion has indeed become a Bawlmer locker room floozy. A shame she hasn’t. There’s nothing a good Suggs bleaching wouldn’t do for her face.
I can’t say I watched a lot of the Giants-Vikes game, but from what little I did, I could tell I wasn’t missing much. And ESPN seems dedicated to catching you up on all the forlorn looks Brittfar made on the sidelines. Among every other shopworn moment from his thankfully concluded career.
Hard to tell but that hat plays Big K.R.I.T.’s ” Country Shit” on loop.
The regularly scheduled Monday night game wasn’t faring much better until Houston peeled off an amazing comeback to tie the game with a touchdown and two-point conversion with less than 30 seconds on the clock. It being the Texans, though, they had to find a way to blow it. Of course they did. Bastards.
ESPN is better than most about getting ridiculous crowd shots. Hell, you’re lucky if you ever see NFL Network pan a camera through the stands. Normally, that means a few of the most retarded fans make the entire fan base look bad, but man, Houston really brought its tard fan game to a new level on Monday. Just uncanny amounts of fan DERPitude.
Some folks will wonder why we’re not starting the live blog earlier in the evening to accommodate the rescheduled and relocated Giants-Vikings game. To them, I say, “I am sorry. We are not made of live blog.” So it’s just the later, actually nationally televised game that we’re focusing on tonight. But feel free to use this as an open thread for Ford Field roof implode-a-polooza.
Not that we’re sticklers for order or anything, but trying to live blog two games at once will make it an even more jumbled, incoherent mess than our live blogs already are. That said, if Brett Favre does play and suffers a catastrophic injury UPDATE: NO GUNSLINGING TONIGHT!, there’s no reason people shouldn’t make an exultant note of it.
As for Ravens-Texans… uh…don’t Matt Schaub and Joe Flacco look like really fugly siblings? Flacco got the better of the hair genes, both on the head and the brow, while Schaub is generally just a better quarterback. Fair trade, I guess. In more indulgent matters, Ufford and I are going against each other in fantasy playoffs. I’m up 17 with the Ratbird defense (best available on the waiver wire this week) while he’s starting Boldin. With him against the extremely porous Texans defense, I feel no comfort whatsoever.
The Ravens’ last-ditch play at the end of last night’s loss to the Falcons was derailed when T.J. Houshmandzadeh was amusingly side-swiped by Donte Stallworth, making his first appearance in a regular season game since that little bout of killing a person with his car. The announcers did their best to tiptoe around it, with Bob Papa mumbling about an incident with “a DUI, and someone was killed in Florida.” Why, he makes it sounds like they are barely connected happenings.
Anyway, I think I stumbled upon a fool-proof test of how the league might cull out its worst announcers. Simply get them to try to pronounce Haloti Ngata’s name. Terrible announcers can’t do it. Even after their colleagues have been doing it properly all game. Observe:
Dierdorf from Sunday:
Theismann from last night:
Make this quick test mandatory to enter a broadcast booth and we might even reduce commentary retardery by as much as nine-tenths of a percent. Huzzah!
It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC North, the festering den of iniquity that is home to murderers, rapists, abusers, drunk drivers, drunk kickers, drug addicts, tardwit reality show wide receivers and worst of all, the Cleveland Browns.
It was then that the Beagle Boys kniferaped Magica De Spell and dropped her from the back of a moving truck.
Key Additions: Anquan Boldin, Donte Stallworth, Walt Harris, Shayne Graham, Marc Bulger
Key Departures: Kelley Washington, Samari Rolle, Adam Terry
Known Miscreants: Ray Lewis (murder snitching on friends to plea bargain down to obstruction of justice charge), Donte Stallworth (reigning Death Race 2000 champion), Fabian Washington (domestic assault), Terrell Suggs (woman bleaching), Willis McGahee (Antonio Cromartie syndrome)
Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:
- Sergio Kindle’s fall and resulting injury earlier in training camp was blamed on his narcolepsy. Ravens fans were aware that referees could induce that in people.
- The enduring lesson of Donte Stallworth’s vehicular homicide: if you act halfway remorseful, the public and the media will completely forgive you. Or, in the case of Leonard Little, you can not give a shit and the public and the media will mostly ignore it.
- WERE YOU AWARE?: Of the 19 active quarterbacks with more than one start in the playoffs, Joe Flacco has by far the worst postseason passer rating (in five starts, he has 1 TD and 6 INTs for a rating of 46.5). The next highest is Mark Brunell (11 appearances, 66.3 rating) who still has a rating nearly 20 point higher. Also ahead on the list: Rex Grossman, Michael Vick, Chad Pennington and Ravens back-up Marc Bulger (so that’s why they got him). BUT HEY JOE COOL IS THE PIZZA HUT OF MARYLAND SPOKESBROW FOR THE SECOND YEAR RUNNING!
- Ray Rice’s father was killed by a drive-by shooting when the running back was only a year old. His uncle helped to raise him until he was killed by a drunk driver in 1998. Man, Ray Rice must have such great admiration for his teammates.
- Haloti Ngata gave Terrence Cody the nickname “cheeseburger” during training camp. As they say, you are what you eat 39 of in any given sitting.
Over/Under For 2010: 10 wins
Verdict: OVER
Their secondary isn’t good even when it’s healthy, and it’s definitely not healthy right now. Nevertheless, the Ravens are pretty stacked everywhere else. Granted, Joe Flacco can’t play for shit in big games, but then that won’t come into play until they reach the playoffs, which shouldn’t be much of a problem for the Ratbirds this year. Though it is amusing that, after losing close games last year because of a lack of clutch kicking, that they would consider Shayne “The Ginger Nate Kaeding” Graham a possible answer.
CINCINNATI BENGALS
Key Additions: Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Mike Nugent, Antonio Bryant, Matt Jones
Key Departures: Laveranues Coles, Shayne Graham
Known Miscreants: Pacman Jones (womb raiding), Matt Jones (being a cocaine cowboy, Rey Maualuga (DUI with underage girls in the car – the best kind!), Cedric Benson (waitress assault), Tank Johnson (munitions hoarding)
Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:
- Experts say the emergence of Bernard Scott is expected provide some relief to Cedric Benson’s huge share of carries this season. No word on how much of Benson’s arrest commitments he’ll be taking on.
- Pacman say hey da HughesNet bitch stop paradin yo fine azz round my TV. You older, but not too old that Pacman don slip it in dat USB slot. That stand for pUSsyBitch. Pacman not carin if that don make sense. YOU NO STOP HE SHINE.
- The anemic quarterbacking done by J.T. O’Sullivan in the ante-season will not be a blot on his escutcheon. If anything, coaches appreciate his efforts to ease pressure on Good Sir Palmer that his station could be imperiled by a son of Eyre.
- Bengals fans two years ago bought up billboards threatening to “protest” the team until Mike Brown hired a GM that wasn’t himself. Brown responded by… doing nothing. Of course, the team started winning anyway, so the fairweather Cincy folk forgot all about it. Which is pretty much how all fan protests go.
- Let’s hope Maurice Purify isn’t taking his last name as a life mission, or he has quite a task ahead of him with the Bengals.
Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
The Bengals played like dogshit down the stretch in 2009, mostly as a result of a inability to pass the ball. To resolve that issue, they did the usual Bengal thing and picked up a bunch of inexpensive retreads that no one else wanted: T.O., Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant. T.O. should be a decent improvement over Laveranues Coles, who was generally useless last season. First-round pick Jermaine Gresham has looked pretty good in preseason, so maybe he’ll be a good receiving option at tight end this year. Nevertheless, the pass blocking is still horrid and the team still has f*cknuts Bob Bratkowski calling plays. And Carson Palmer has shown that he isn’t good enough to compensate for those for those deficiencies. Again, the defense and the running game will have to carry this team, except now they play with a 1st place schedule and the Bengals will be hard-pressed to sweep both the Ravens and Steelers again this season. They won’t finish under .500, but they’re not going back to the playoffs either.
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Sensing the obvious, the Browns didn’t even bother to print Jake Delhomme jerseys. Ever resourceful Cleveland fans adapt. via.
Key Additions: Jake Delhomme, Bobby Engram, Benjamin Watson, Seneca Wallace, Scott Fujita, Sheldon Brown, Colt McCoy
Known Miscreants: Shaun Rogers (airline firearm supply), Brandon McDonald (future T.O. rapist), Colt McCoy (too wholesome), Joe Thomas (fishing without a license)
Five Fast Facts About The Browns:
- Shaun Rogers tried to rehab his image after bringing a loaded gun onto an airplane by ratting out a drunk driver to the police. Mario Reyes appreciates the timing, asshole.
- As referenced above, corner Brandon McDonald threatened over Twitter that he and the Browns secondary are going to “run a train” on Terrell Owens. Usually not a fan of prison rape, T.O.’s talks with his Bengals teammates have convinced him otherwise.
- DAWWWWWWWWW WHERE’D STEVE SMITH GO?
- Joshua Cribbs spent his wife’s birthday at a Playboy Golf event, then took her to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles for dinner. This automatically puts him in the top 4 percentile of NFL player husbands.
- In a recent interview with GQ, Scott Fujita referred to former teammate Garrett Hartley as a “fat punk kicker.” Asked for a response, Hartley said he refused to lower himself to those Jap tactics.
Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
I was briefly tempted to be generous and give them the over, but then I peeked at Cleveland’s schedule. After two winnable games against the Bucs and Chiefs, they have to run this seven-game gauntlet: @Ravens, Bengals, Falcons, @Steelers (this will most likely be the game Roethlisberger returns), Saints, Patriots, Jets. I seriously doubt that the Browns are going to win any of those games, meaning Cleveland will likely be 2-7 or 1-8 after nine games. Most likely, that means it’s “let’s give Colt McCoy a shot” time, with a trip to Miami, and rematches with the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers remaining. So yeah, sorry, no six wins for you guys.
Known Miscreants: Ben Roethlisberger (alleged bathroom bad touch), Jeff Reed (bathroom bad touch on towel dispenser), James Harrison (domestic assault)
Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:
- Threatened by the arrival of Flozell Adams, Hines Ward has been forced to slash the prices on his cheap shots.
- Dennis Dixon would be getting a chance to start during Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension, but instead the team is purposefully stifling his development because they don’t want to risk him showing up the quarterback that they tried to trade before the draft. Luckily, I am first person to formulate this not-at-all retarded theory for why Byron Leftwich will likely start Week 1.
/checks PFT
SHIT!!!!!!!
- Mike Wallace has some large vaginas to fill with the departure of Santonio Holmes.
- Even if it’s a year late, Troy Polamalu appreciates that the Madden Curse has finally caught up with Larry Fitzgerald.
- Despite the fact that he was injured months ago and will miss the entire 2010 season, Limas Sweed will still find a way to cost the Steelers a win this year. Mark my words.
Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins
Verdict: PUSH
After the offseason that just transpired, there’s absolutely no outcome to this season that would surprise me. On one hand, the Steelers tend to do better when expectations aren’t astronomically high, and they have Troy Polamalu, Aaron Smith and Bryant McFadden (starting in place of shitty ass Purple Jesus-stompee William Gay) back on what should be a damn good defense. On the other hand, their most talented receiver was traded away for nothing (DON’T SLEEP ON MIKE WALLACE MOTHERFUCKAS!), they have goddamn slow-footed cheap-shotting penalty magnet Flozell Adams starting at right tackle and who knows how Roethlisberger is going to respond once he’s reinstated. With all that in mind, I’ll keep the homerism at bay and keep it at a push.
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