Ha ha, shredding. Oh dearie, those skateboard jokes. So rad.

The “Joe Flacco feeling unappreciated for being mediocre” meme got major traction this week, helped along by Ed Reed telling the media that Flacco doesn’t do good quarterback stuff. This led to more passive-aggression and surly woes-are-me by the Ravens quarterback.

“I like his style. I mean, kind of. Even though I bet he wouldn’t even notice if I did like him. Whatever. Screw that guy. I don’t care.” – Jay Cutler

Flacco got somewhat of a pass for doing nothing besides convert two-yard scoring drives against the Texans because Houston’s defense is good (elite QBs shouldn’t be expected to excel against GOOD defenses) but now Big Bert has put a huge target on himself. The Ravens have to win and Flacco has to appear impressive in the process or else more Dilfer LOLs at his expense. Easterbrook says the only thing worse than a look-at-me glory boy is a wannabe look-at-me glory boy.

Flacco’s bitchy tongue-and-cheek comments this week about the Ravens winning despite his mediocre play was awfully prophetic. Being bailed out by one-handed catches by Lee Evans and Anquan Boldin saved him from an unbroken 60 minutes of ineptitude. Nevertheless, T.J. Yates proved somehow to be the lesser. What did the Ravens do to win today except have fumbles bounce their way? They played some good centerfield on Yates INTs, perhaps.

Even leastiest was Jacoby Jones, who basically gave the Ravens the win with a fumble on his punt return attempt in the first quarter that set Baltimore up for an easy score. Jones fared almost as bad on subsequent returns, running sideway and not gaining any yards despite having 10 yards of open space.

Dare I say I actually feel for Wade Phillips? Florence Tubbingale earned it today, so toss the man a 20-piece bucket already.

Fake mustaches are the equivalent of breast implants for Baltimore women.

Not sure what Reedfense is, but my guess is that it’s not so much a word as it is a cry for help. Whatever it is, it probably won’t be around next week when the Ravens travel to Foxboro. That’s a shame. But I’m sure slow-ass Ray Lewis can cover Gronkowski and Hernandez just as well.

Just curious – after all the seemingly benign stuff we’ve seen flagged this year, how is running 30 yards to the stands after an INT not excessive celebration?

The Ravens beat the Texans in Baltimore by two scores back in October, and that was before T.J. Yates Time was dumped on the world. Plus there’s the tidbit that Bawlmer is 18-1 in its last 19 home games, so an NFL playoffs still seeking its first road team victory appears bound to stay chalktastic. Unless Joe Flacco wings multiple pick-sixes and Ray Rice goes down on the first play, which we all hope they will.

It’s been a rough weekend for overtly religious NFL stars, with Breesus and Tebow already shown the door. Could God’s Stabbacker, Ray Lewis, be next? Probably not, but it’s enticing to think about His Lordiness taking a weekend away from more pressing matters to spurn those most vocal about about faith’s impact on a stupid sport that affects nothing.

Watch as the NBC flunkies openly grouse that this game wasn’t flexed to Patriots-Broncos. “It could have been us showing viewers what Tebow would look like if he were right-handed! Who am I supposed to hype in this game? Ray Rice? SNL doesn’t devote sketches to him.”

Anyway, after sucking for the vast majority of the season, ruining your fantasy team and leading the NFL in interceptions (Josh Freeman derped his way to the top spot last week), Philip Rivers has gotten his float together the past two games, throwing six touchdowns and no interceptions. There was also a fumbled snap that the defense recovered for a touchdown, BUT THOSE AREN’T PASSING STATS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? That said, those two performances were against the Jaguars and the Bills, so a granule of salt for reason, please. Ray Lewis returns for the Ravens, which will be a nice opportunity for announcers to ignore that Baltimore’s defense has been playing better with God’s Linebacker out of the lineup. Oh, and Terrell Suggs will probably continue to rep Ball So Hard University, the sketchy sister school of Ball State.

The Ravens got their only ever season sweep of the Steelers in 2006, throttling Pittsburgh twice by a combined score of 58-7. The next four years saw the Steelers win every game against the Ravens that Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon didn’t start. That includes a three-game sweep in ’08 and two playoff victories. Pittsburgh had established itself as the dominant power in a fierce rivalry between two teams that love to complain that Roger Goodell should just go ahead and put QBs in skirts because that’s how he gets his ginger rocks off.

Then Week 1 happened. Baltimore crushed Pittsburgh 35-7, forcing seven turnovers in the process. Since then, the Steelers have seemingly gotten their act together, beating a bunch of bottomfeeders as well as a Patriots team with a horrible defense. Baltimore, meanwhile, has steamrolled some weeks, while losing to lowly teams like Tennessee, Jacksonville and nearly Arizona in others. Now the Ravens can bookend an era of having the Steelers deny them powerhouse status with season sweeps. Or they can drop yet another big game to the Steelers and have Your Friendly Section 8 Neighborhood Christmas Ape cackling with delight.

Either way, it’s a good thing the Monday night game looks promising, as this was probably a contest worthy of a live blog. However, because it avoids THE INSIDIOUS CURSE O’ THE LIVE BLOG, it might actually be entertaining. Nevertheless, I offer my humblest apologizes. Unfortunately, moderating thousands of comments gets in the way of drunken swearkkake and yelling at the TV pixels that make up Ravens players.

[Pic via]

That was a decidedly ugly game, but from a schadenfreude standpoint, it was a masterstroke in the hatestroking arts. If you only watched the actual game, from kickoff to final whistle, it was probably really, truly agonizing. MJD fumbled three times. At the midpoint of the third quarter, Joe Flacco was 6/16 for eight yards. EIGHT YARDS! Jack Del Rio made the worst challenge ever when he threw the flag on a Flacco pass out of the end zone during which Flacco’s plant foot was near the back line of the end zone, but he very obviously didn’t touch it. Like, not even close. And the game was at home, so Del Rio had ample available replays to show him that the foot was nowhere close. AND HE STILL CHALLENGED IT, LIKE A DEFIANT GUNSHOT AT A CLOUD HOPING TO STRIKE GOD! Worst. Challenge. Ever. I know that sounds like knee-jerk typical blog bullsh*t hyperbole, but I sat in the dark with that statement for five minutes and I know it to be true. I know we mock Andy Reid and Lovie Smith for that sort of thing, but Del Rio just changed the game, son.

That said, if you happened to watch the hour leading up to kickoff, when the ESPN team made the Ravens out to be the bastard stab child of the ’85 Bears and the ’99 Rams, this was a wondrous, possibly life-affirming thing. “JOE FLACCO IS AN ELITE PASSER! I CAN LIVE WITH A VERSION OF MYSELF WHO SAYS THESE THINGS ON AIR TO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AND PASSES THEM OFF AS MY EARNEST OPINION! YEAH, IT SUCKS TO FEEL THIS WAY BUT YOU SHOULD SEE HOW THE BRISTOL INTERNS THROW THEMSELVES AT ME!”

Joe Flacco completed a pass to himself. Remember when Brad Johnson threw a TD pass to himself with the Vikings in ’97? This was not like that.

Who knows? Maybe the Ravens will blame the refs. Their official Twitter feed is already on it.

Can this game be as lopsided as Colts-Saints last night? That’s what we plan to find out through barely coherent profane commentary and copious NSFW links.

This may not be much of a contest, but at the very least we won’t be treated to an opener as horrid as the Fireman Ed intro from last week. ESPN is reportedly leading off the broadcast with a Sports Science segment on Ray Rice and Maurice Jones-Drew. I don’t know what to say. That’s… a reasonable replacement. Not sure how that happened. But let’s not give them plaudits yet. They haven’t announced the exact subject they’ll be highlighting. It could just be Gruden cackling at the running backs and yelling “THIS SCHRODINGER’S CAT! HE’S INSIDE THE BOX! HE’S OUTSIDE THE BOX! HE NEEDS BOX DISCIPLINE IF WANTS TO MAKE IT IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!”

Did you know that Ray Lewis is America? It true. He embodies the best and worst within us all. Look at the way he hams it up during the anthem. That’s so goddamn American, whether he’s doing it out of pure patriotism or whether affecting said patriotism will make him seem more virtuous to people who need to view Ray Lewis as virtuous despite all that bad stuff he did. It doesn’t matter. Just freeze dry it, add a ton of sodium and sell it for $3 at Wal-Mart next to TGI Friday’s home dinners. Serves America.

Did you know that Ray Lewis calls his team’s offensive plays? It’s true. Cris Collinsworth said so. He’s become so bored with simply being a superstar linebacker that the Ravens have ceded play-calling duties to him. Why not? Cam Cameron sucks anyway. Those bombs to Torrey Smith the other week? All Ray-Ray. He also adopted a daring attack that would prevail despite Joe Flacco not completing a pass in either the second or third quarters. HE’S JUST TOYING WITH US NOW!

And Nacho is Mexico, clearly. You can see it right there on his mouth piece. He is a simple hard-working unskilled laborer who will grind himself to the bone doing the job that no one in the world wants to do (Jets quarterback). But that’s not enough to beat America. No, not yet. Not until he can breed himself into the majority (your teenage daughter).

During the Sunday Night Football Night In Redundancy Night pregame show, Bart Scott dubbed himself “The Mad Backer” which is just about as stupid a nickname as the “T-Sizzle” moniker belonging to former teammate and tonight’s opponent, Terrell Suggs. Not to be outdone, Terrell Suggs did what he does in preparation of any big game – he resorted to TEE SHIRT TRASH TALK! DOWN WITH HOMEWORK! DONE WITH HOMEWORK!

Ha ha, it’s so funny until you realize Bart Scott gets paid royalties on those shirts. (UPDATE: or not.)

Anyway, these two teams played a painfully sloppy game in Week 1 last year, so let’s hope for something just a little more watchable this go-round. Also, the swift end of Ray Lewis’ playing career. Not asking for much, here.

Don’t stop your schadenfreude at the Colts. Guess the Ravens have to destroy the Yinzers every five years or so. But, yeah, the Chiefs look pretty bad, too.