Those dastardly heavy-breathing sneakabouts in Indianapolis are at it again! First, they steal the Colts from Baltimore. Now, because of an injury to Adam Nougatieri (injuries don’t make chompions, Adam) they have signed Greatest Raven Ever Matt Stover. Is there nothing they won’t take from Baltimore? I mean, other than black people. Those Indy can do without.

Somebody put Joe Flacco on suicide watch. Derrick Mason has told Jocklife.com that he intends to retire from the NFL, much to the surprise of his current employers, the Baltimore Ravens. This means Flacco will have to start staring down another receiver on every passing play, like Mark Clayton for example. Or hell, maybe Todd Heap will start catching passes again. But yeah, that’s probably not going to happen. Adjust your fantasy ranking accordingly, at least until Mason un-retires by signing a new contract extension. [Jocklife]

Ravens cornerback Anwar Phillips has been named as a defendant in a civil lawsuit alleging he was part of an equity-draining scheme that targeted homeowners struggling to avoid foreclosure. Among Phillips’ co-defendants in the suit filed in San Diego are his mother and an area pastor.

In the alleged scheme, a troubled homeowner transfers the title of the home to so-called rescuers, who then take out a new mortgage and pocket the equity. “What they ended up doing is stripping out somewhere between $90,000 to $120,000 of equity, quit paying the loan and now the people are facing foreclosure again,” said Vallee [ attorney for the plaintiffs].

Normally, we would condemn such behavior, if true. But this is Anwar Phillips we’re talking about here. In 2002 a Penn State tribunal suspended Phillips from school for two semesters after he “accepted responsibility” for his role in a sexual assault. Phillips was later acquitted by a jury in a criminal trial arising out of the same incident.

For Phillips to graduate from alleged campus rape-o to alleged white-collar bankroller is a sign that his life is headed in the right direction. Keep living the dream, Anwar!

The day we’ve all feared has arrived, friends. Observe this photo a reader sent us from Sunday’s game at M&T Bank Stadium. WHAT IS THAT SCRAGGLY HEAD DOING JUST FLOATING THERE!?

The purple camo pants were bad enough. But now with the purple camo jacket and hood, they’ve completed the outfit. They’re virtually undetectable to the naked eye. With their advances in camo wear, Ravens fans can lurk among us completely unseen! Who knows what horrendous acts they can commit unbeknownst to us.

Observe this seemingly innocuous photo of a couple innocently enjoying a picnic.

Oh, it looks idyllic enough. At least to the untrained eye. But there’s actually a Ravens fan sitting next to them. Look harder. Harder. Squint hard enough aaaaand…See! I told you! He’s just sitting there whispering something stupid like “Move Those Chains” or even complaining about the refs. He’ll swipe your food for his lame Ravens Festivus playoff run feast.

Y’know, when I think about it, Under Armour should really strive to be the official manufacturer of these. What better way to mask all the illegal immigrants they hire.

Beware, Cowboys fans. Beware. For all you know, there may be a Ravens fan behind you at this very moment. Just start stabbing air, it’s the only way to be safe.

Thanks to reader Chris for the pic. Sorry you had to go to Bawlmer to get it.

It just so happens that the Ravens have won every meeting in their history against the Giants, including the most unwatchable Super Bowl ever. This year, the surprising Ravens are 6-3 (though the Dolphins are the only team with a winning record they’ve defeated) while minus Osi and Strahan, the Giants have yet to suffer the Super Bowl hangover everyone expected. Who are the difference makers driving their : a beetle-browed rookie QB and a measty defensive end. WHO YA GOT?

Many have often wondered what would happen when you combined the urban camo-clad fucktards from Baltimore with the the dipshits who bother to vote (some 75k times) in ESPN’s inane Sports Nation polls. Well now we know that the answer is rampant dumbfuckery of the highest order.

The WWL recently asked fans to vote for the greatest player in their franchise’s history, and this is what the results look like for the Ravens…

Yeah, the fucking kicker. Those Natty Boh swilling, scrotum sniffing assholes picked some lily white piece of shit as their most accomplished football player because he was able to provide points when Trent Dilfer couldn’t get the ball inside the twenty.

Now Stover was pretty damn good for a little Greek kicker, but even Stefan Fatsis has to be blown away by the overwhelming retardation of this poll result (I’d ask him, but he’s busy standing next to his book display at Kramer’s while trying to look nonchalant desperately waiting to say “Why yes, I am Stefan Fatsis!”).

Don’t you assholes realize that Jonathan Ogden is quite possibly the second best tackle (Munoz) in the history of football? Have you already forgotten that he was the first player your sorry relocated franchise ever drafted en route to 11 consecutive Pro Bowls?

So please explain to me how this man can only garner 4.4% of your vote while a fucking kicker racked up better than half of the total. Unless of course you’re just ruling out Ogden because he’s a brother from DC. Because I think everyone expects a bit more from the city of Baltimore.

What’s that? They don’t? Yeah, probably not.

The top two seeds in the AFC last season are barely hanging onto faint playoff hopes with only a few weeks remaining in the regular season. When heads eventually roll, they’ll probably bear the visages of these two clowns. Likely, incompetence will emerge Hydra-like from the stumps. In the meantime, we can find out who’ll be king of the unemployment line in the offseason. WHO YA GOT?

As SBXLI 1/2 occupies all discourse, both rational and Easterbrookian, this week, a few other somewhat compelling matches are getting the short shrift. Among them is a battle for the AFC North in which I have absolutely no emotion invested. No, I don’t hate Baltimore at all. I hear it’s a wonderful city to get murdered in. 500 some odd people a year can’t be wrong. So, WHO YA GOT?

Proof of divine connection: from a murder arrest
to walking away with a humble.

God, the omnipotent, all-knowing supreme being of all creation this week proclaimed Brian Billick’s call of three straight pass plays in short yardage situations to be “some bullshit, man.” These words were conveyed through the Lord’s chosen spokesman to mankind, Ravens’ linebacker Ray Lewis. In an address to his faithful, God, who in his eternal wisdom, has seen fit to deliver his blessed word via medium frequency Towson, Maryland sports radio, went on to describe the Raven’s record thus far to be “straight-up bullshit.”

Despite being able to commune directly with the hearts and minds of all living creatures though the power of the Holy Spirit, God chose to express his proclamations through the vessel that is a rapidly-deteriorating linebacker prone to lawless behavior. Former Raven Adalius Thomas has characterized the team as having a “me-first” locker room. The Almighty-through-Lewis called these comment, “just mo’ bullshit, y’all.”

When long-time listener, first time-blaspheming heretic “Barry from Dundalk” suggested that God should consider the shaky pass coverage of corner Corey Ivy, a perturbed Yahweh/Allah/Vishnu/Jah made it clear that he “ain’t even trying to hear that bullshit, man.” The Creator chastised Barry, whose soul had just been rendered forfeit for eternity, and reminded him that He “would go upside that head wit’ a quickness.”

The Word of the Almighty can be heard at 1300 on your AM dial, Monday afternoons between the Stephen A. Smith Show and “B-more Sports Nutz Weekly”.