*QUEEF* John Parr, who wrote and recorded #1 hit “St. Elmo’s Fire” in 1985, has refurbished the song with lyrics about Tim Tebow. It’s so exquisitely awful that I got goosebumps. It’s like when Elton John remade “Candle in the Wind” for Princess Diana, except heroic paparazzo has orchestrated a martyring car crash.

HUE! Former Packers exec Reggie McKenzie had a productive first day as the Raiders’ new GM: he wasted no time firing coach Hue Jackson. The Raiders lost four of their final five games, including a Week 17 home loss to the Chargers that allowed the Tebroncos into the playoffs. Good riddance, says I.

O YOU FANCY. The Postmortal, which was written by our very own Drew Magary, has been nominated for the Philip K. Dick Award (“presented annually to a distinguished work of science fiction published in paperback original form in the United States”). Fitting that Drew’s first big award nomination is the Dickie. Sources say the event will be hosted by…

‘DOOR FLIES OPEN’ IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF KISSING SUZY KOLBER LLC. Early today we became aware of a satirical article by Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal in which Rex Ryan gives a pep talk to the New York Giants. He wrote us a very nice email in which he apologized and confessed ignorance of Drew’s REX RYAN: BEST COACH EVER character. He seemed genuinely aghast about the whole thing, so, you know, no need to flame him on Twitter or firebomb his house.

WITH GOD ON HIS SIDE. Pardon my whoring, but yesterday I imagined what God would have to do to help the Broncos win the Super Bowl. Please read and share it on the Twitbooks.

Today might be Peyton Manning’s actual birthday, but last week he was celebrating early down in Key West, ostensibly to reunite with his old flame Kenny Chesney. As you likely recall, Chesney has a long history of making beautiful music with both Peyton and his little brother Eli, but never both at once because incest is gross (unless you’re in bed with twin sisters). Continue after the jump for the duo’s encore performance, a fitting tribute to their hosts at Sloppy Joe’s.

Video via FanHouse, Shutdown Corner, and more.