A fire broke out at the office of NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith this morning. Fortunately, reports indicate no one was injured and it appears the damage is minimal. However, the timing could not have been worse for Smith. With NFL owners previously exercising their right to opt out of their collective bargaining agreement with the NFLPA, Smith– who has been on the job for only a few months– was anxious to demonstrate his negotiation skills to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. In fact, Smith had invited Goodell over this morning for what he claimed would be “an unforgettable luncheon.”

Much to Smith’s dismay, he did not learn his office was on fire until an unwitting Goodell was already waiting in the lobby. To avoid losing face, Smith attempted to rapidly usher the commissioner from the burning building. On the way out, Goodell espied the conflagration, which Smith– ever the quick thinker– dismissed as the Aurora Borealis. While Goodell was initially somewhat skeptical that the Northern Lights could appear localized entirely within Smith’s Washington D.C. office, he accepted the story and left, noting Smith’s ability to “steam a good ham.”

This season the Miami Dolphins will furnish hand-held gizmos to 5,000 preferred season ticker holders. These devices– manufactured by Kangaroo Media– will allow fans to watch replays, access statistics and send text messages during the game. Y’know, all the things you could do for much, much less if you were watching from the comfort of your home.

Here’s a closer look at what some of these jolly, candy-like buttons can do:

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We learned yesterday that Buffalo fullback Corey McIntyre was arrested in March and charged with a misdemeanor for alleged masturbating in a woman’s front yard in Port St. Lucie, Florida. The sordid details:

The 59-year-old woman told police she was at her home about 8:30 a.m. sitting at the computer when she heard a knock at the window. The blinds were closed or mostly closed, and when she looked out the window she saw a man masturbating.

The man was described as being about 5 feet 10 inches tall and in his 20s. He reportedly had dreadlocks and wore a white T-shirt and dark pants, and had a muscular build. An officer spotted a muscular man on a bicycle, and when the woman was taken to the man, the woman said, “That’s him.”

Actually, this is a simple misunderstanding caused by a difference of cultures. McIntyre, as his surname suggests, is a proud Scotsman. He was merely taking part in his national pastime– the Scottish Biathlon. The rules of Scottish Biathlon are fairly simple: bike for a while, stop to enjoy quick wank, then back on the bike for a leisurely jaunt to the finish line.

If this woman had possessed a greater appreciation for foreign traditions, she wouldn’t have called the police on McIntyre. Instead she could have whipped up some haggis for him, as is the custom of Scottish Biathlon spectators. This would have provided McIntyre with the protein needed to rub one out and finish his Tour D’ Fap.

[ TCPalm ]

CNBC’s Darren Rovell did a story yesterday about athletes receiving free schwag or making a quick buck by endorsing goods or services on Twitter. Intrigued, we did a quick search and found that a number of our favorite NFL figures were already cashing in on the phenomenon. Check it out:

TheBen: “15 KILL STREAK ON CALL OF DUTY BEATS SUPER BOWL RING ANYDAY”

Percy_Harvin: Big thanks to Magic Bus head shop on Broad Ripple for hooking me up with that sweet-ass Graffix bong while I was at the combine in Indy.

PacmanJones: Yo yo Pacman down wid Belvedere Vodka. O YOU GON DRANK WID MR. BELVEDERE, BITCH. Chuh chuh 4:15PM from the strizzay

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Maker’s Mark, purveyors of fine bourbon, recently announced that they will have Boomer Esiason’s face on a set of special-edition bottles commemorating next month’s Land’s End Stakes at Turfway Park (hint: it’s a horse race). What other NFL players past and present can we expect to see on bottles of our favorite distilled spirits and other adult beverages?

More after the jump… Read the rest of this entry »

A Denver motorist alleges LenDale White beat him with a belt following a minor traffic accident. However, authorities have declined to pursue charges against the Titans running back, citing conflicting evidence. The Titans have to be pleased that White is getting some modicum of exercise during the off-season.

According to the report, White, listed as an unknown suspect, “began striking the victim with a belt and belt buckle’’ before the parties got in their vehicle and fled. Hoch required hospitalization for lacerations, the offense report stated.

Murray said the case was thoroughly investigated by detectives, with numerous interviews and a review of evidence. “But there is evidence which contradicts these statements,’’ Murray said of the report . “The reason the case got dismissed is the evidence contradicts the statements.’’ Murray said White fully cooperated with police officials. He said NFL officials expressed an interest in the case.

“We are aware of the incident and have no comment,’’ Coach Jeff Fisher said on Monday.

Damn, if LenWhale will whip a man over a little fender bender, can you imagine his reaction when somebody grabs the last snickerdoodle? Sah dah tay, my damie.

[ Nashville Tennessean ]

Alabama tackle Andre Smith showed up at the NFL combine out of shape. I’m talking back-of-the-neck-looks-like-a-package-of-Hebrew-National-hot-dogs out of shape. To make matters worse, when he realized how woefully unprepared he was, Smith decided he was gonzo. But before he left he made sure to notify… well, no one.

Smith later issued a statement saying he left to add a couple more chins at Hometown Buffet go work out with a personal trainer in preparation for Pro Day in Tuscaloosa. CNBC’s Darren Rovell estimates Smith’s tomfoolery may cost the big man as much as $23 million.

Damn Dre, you could have bought all kinds of chicken-fried bacon with that kind of cash.

No more talk about Ben’s back or Hines’ MCL. No more talk about Whisenhunt trying to beat his old team. No more talk about Larry Fitzgerald Sr.’s objectivity. No more talk about Brenda Warner’s extreme makeover. It’s time for the motherflippin’ Super Bowl.

Let’s hope NBC’s production value is better than their glitchfest interview with President Obama. America could hear Costas yelping “Did we lose him?” back on the set in Tampa.