Yesterday, in the wee, wee hours of the morning we received an email from KSK reader Fernando G.

I am actually tingling with excitement at the thought of Tebow getting his first start AT Oakland. The benches are way too close to the fans there; I can’t wait for him to accidentally get too close to the front row and have a fan chop his arm off with an ax. If there were a God, he wouldn’t allow Tebow to play for the Broncos in Oakland. This game needs to be shown in every home in the country, and you should have an open thread.

The fact that Fernando is up at this hour inescapably leads me to the following alternatives. Either:
1) Fernando lives in Indonesia; or
2) Fernando works for NORAD; or
3) Fernando is drunk.

Nonetheless, as a fellow Raiders fan and in the spirit of the holidays, I’m indulging Fernando’s request for a special open thread. However, I don’t share Fernando’s desire to see Tebow get his arm lopped off. Unless he tries to convert some of the heathens in the Black Hole. Hate you Donkeys.

DEN @ OAK ****
ATL @ SEA NO STARS
NYJ @ PIT NO STARS & GO TO HELL

Mysterious Winter Warlock paralyzes the Twin Cities.

The Giants-Vikings game, orginally scheduled for this afternoon, has been postponed until tomorrow night after a blizzard left the Giants stranded in Kansas City. Initially, the league hoped to play the game as scheduled, with the Giants flying into Minneapolis this morning. Instead, the game will be aired on Fox tomorrow night–but only in the teams’ home markets (weak).

Complicating matters are reports out of Minneapolis that all the snow has caused the roof of the Metrodome to collapse. While it is not yet known what effect this will have on tomorrow’s game, it is generally agreed that this clusterf-ck is a perfect metaphor for the Vikes’ season.

UPDATE: The Metrodome is FUBAR. Game moved to Detroit and will air on the Sunday Ticket.

Here are the games that will be played as scheduled, rated on my Freez-Pruf(TM) Four-Star System.

CLE @ BUF *
TB @ WAS **
GB @ DET **
ATL @ CAR **
OAK @ JAC ***
CIN @ PIT **

Well, here’s today’s slate of early games. Mediocre match-ups abound, making us wonder how much worse it will get when the league expands its regular season to 18 games. It also remains to be seen how fantasy football leagues will react. As it is, most fantasy leagues are done prior to the final week of the regular season to avoid problems caused by teams resting their stars prior to the playoffs. If the regular season expands, there will also be more meaningless late season games for fantasy owners to deal with.

Of course, these concerns will seem trivial when the lockout comes down and we spend next fall crying, masturbating, and then crying and masturbating.

Today’s early games, rated on an increasingly arbitrary four-star system:

TEN @ MIA **
NYJ @ CLE **
CIN @ IND **
HOU @ JAC ***
MIN @ CHI **
CAR @ TB **
DET @ BUF *
bye: Raiders, Chargers, Packers, Saints

[ inspiration for picture found here ]

Days after USC hired Tennessee running back coach Kennedy Pola as its new offensive coordinator, the Titans have filed suit. The lawsuit, filed in a state court in Nashville, accuses USC coach Lane Kiffin of tortious interference with Pola’s contract with the Titans. Earlier, Titans coach Jeff Fisher–a USC alumnus–expressed his frustration with Kiffin’s lack of professionalism in the matter.

While no one can predict how the legal process will play out, here’s exactly what will happen:

Titans’ Lawyer: “Your honor, I call our sole witness… Jeff Fisher’s Mustache!” Read the rest of this entry »

Prostitutes and their clients may become persona non grata at Cowboys games if local officials get their way. According to the Dallas Morning News, the city of Arlington is considering barring individuals convicted of such offenses from the city’s entertainment district—including the football stadium—by establishing a “Prostitution Exclusion Zone.” [ ed. Note: mmmmm, PEZ ]

“The ordinance would set boundaries that people convicted of prostitution-related offenses would not be allowed to cross, except in limited circumstances. The exclusive zone would last for one year. The proposed zone includes a large section of north Arlington, including Cowboys Stadium, Six Flags Over Texas and Rangers Ballpark in Arlington.”

With Super Bowl XLV coming to Cowboys Stadium next season, this ordinance could have some unintended consequences. For instance, any plans to honor the 20th anniversary of the Giants remarkable victory in Super Bowl XXV could result in some embarrassment for Lawrence Taylor. According to the details of the law, Taylor would only be allowed to enter the Prostitution Exclusion Zone if he’s trussed up Hannibal Lecter-style and wheeled onto the turf.

This proposed measure is the latest in an effort to rid the DFW area of crime. I commend the city fathers for looking to improve the quality of life, but let’s not go overboard. If you eliminate the drugs, violence and whores then it’s not really the Metroplex anymore. Christ, you might as well live in Lubbock.

“Now Dezzy, I don’t believe that story for a second. But if your sweet mama can’t come to the games, she’s always welcome on Double-J’s air-o-plane. YEEEEEE-HAW!!!”

[ Dallas Morning News via Busted Coverage ]

“That’s good ball distribution right there.” — Big Daddy Drew

The Georgia Bureau of Investigations today released an asston of records related to its investigation of an alleged sexual assault involving Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. These records include videotaped witness interviews and photographs taken at the nightclub before and after the incident. In most pictures, Big Ben looks puffier than the bastard child of Vince Vaughn and the Michelin Man.

But the piece d’resistance is the beauty you see above. It’s almost as if the Georgia authorities want to embarrass Roethisberger since they can’t lock him up in the calabozo. I want to make a few more wiseass comments, but I’m a little choked up right now. I always get a little emotional at the sight of erstwhile future quarterbacks being swabbed from the wall of a barroom crapper. Such a waste of potential.

[ TSG via LBS ]

“Ben, jerky is a family food. Maybe date-rapers eat jerky; we don’t know.
Frankly, we don’t want to know. It’s a market we can do without.”

The makers of “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky” have ended their business relationship with beleaguered Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. PLB Sports Inc., the Pittsburgh-based company that has produced “Flutie Flakes” among other athlete-related products, announced that they were terminating their contract with Roethlisberger. PLB president and Steelers fan Ty Ballou says that right now Big Ben is toxic as a pitchman:

“I can’t imagine anyone touching Ben Roethlisberger. Enough is enough. I hope there is a suspension. At some point in time, Ben has got to put himself in the right position and understand what it means to be a celebrity, a quarterback, a Steelers player.”

Ouch. Read the rest of this entry »

Austin 3:16 Says shut the f*ck up.

In what will ultimately go down as the best thing to ever happen at the combine, somebody finally told Tim Tebow to stuff his Jebus in a sack.

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow’s group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response: “Shut the f–k up.” Others players in the room then laughed.

I’ve never wanted an anonymously sourced Florio report to be more true. If it is so, this unknown Combine invitee just shot up to the top of the first round on my own personal draft board, right above an offensive tackle and “anybody but Jimmy Clausen.”

Might I suggest that we all bow our heads and silently pray that none of our teams draft Jimmy Clausen?

Welcome back for another fun week of poorly thought out wagers. While you’re sitting there reading this I’m locked in a very large warehouse counting a lot of stuff while trying to limit my dust intake. Good times. Anyway, I was able to find three of the world’s foremost football prognosticators to assist with this week’s picks.

Read the rest of this entry »

Via.

 
Welcome to the Friday Five, our unimaginatively-named Friday afternoon post where we provide you with five things the KSK staff is looking forward to this coming weekend….

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