It’s a rare NFL Sunday when the late-afternoon slate is more attractive than the early games, but this week’s schedule is back-loaded with games fraught with playoff implications. Perhaps the most intriguing is the Chiefs’ opportunity to prevent the Broncos from capturing the AFC West. Former Bronco quarterback Kyle Orton returns in hopes of exacting Kill Bill-level revenge upon his usurper, Tim Tebow.

As you can see, Orton is up to the challenge…

In other action, the Bengals host the Ravens in the battle for a Cincinnati playoff bid. In honor of the occasion, here’s a gingerbread representation of Paul Brown Stadium.

Here’s the rest of today’s slate rated on the patented 4-star system that hates meaningless football…

Kansas City at Denver ★★★
Tampa Bay at Atlanta ★
Baltimore at Cincinnati ★★★
Pittsburgh at Cleveland ★★
San Diego at Oakland ★★★★
Seattle at Arizona (If this is your only football option, we humbly suggest the Twilight Zone marathon SyFy.)

[ video via, image via ]

The only thing left for Tom Brady Troll Genius(TM) is a full-on heel turn during today’s game. Remember when Andre the Giant ripped the cross off of Hulk Hogan’s neck? I want to see something like that.

Detroit at Oakland **
New England at Denver ***
NY Jets at Philadelphia **
Cleveland at Arizona *

Earl Bennett just wants to look good and rock his orange cleats. Of course, since this deviates from the League Assimilation Protocol, the Bears receiver was fined after each of the last two games. The Bears won both (Eagles and Lions) and, more importantly, Bennett looked like the mack.

Rather than continue to escalate the fines, Chris Mortensen reports on Gameday this morning that the shield informed Bennett he will not be allowed on the field if wearing the verboten footwear. I’m not sure, but it sounds like Bennett will have to get past a doorman and a velvet rope to play the Chargers later today.

But first, the early games, presented by the only four star ratings system that can totally pull off orange patent leather.

Tampa Bay at Green Bay **
Carolina at Detroit **
Jacksonville at Cleveland *
Oakland at Minnesota **
Buffalo at Miami **
Dallas at Washington **
Cincinnati at Baltimore ***

It’s actually called the Bravo Sports Blacktop 360 Premium Party Hub Grill (concise!), and it’s your Unnecessary Purchase of the Week (Uncrate via reader Randy). This bad boy of tailgating does it all, from frying up wings to searing steaks at 650 degrees inches away. That seems very safe, and I’ll happily put that theory to the test if they send me a free one (eh? ehhh?).

On to the picks!

Last week: 7-7
Overall: 61-63-2

Oakland at San Diego -7

Just to be clear, the former FBI agent quoted in this Sally Jenkins column isn’t calling Norv Turner a pedophile, he’s just saying he wishes Norv Turner was a pedophile.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati +3

The first of many three-ish point spreads this week. Your office pool is going to be a bloodbath.

Denver at Kansas City -3.5

Jacksonville at Indianapolis +3

Fuck it, I’d take them straight up. This is the week when they begin to fuck themselves out of Luck. Please?

Buffalo +5.5 at Dallas

I will be praying for David Nelson to get in the endzone. His girlfriend is a Cowboys cheerleader, and he’s considering working her in to his celebration. I vote for a proper motorboating. Definitely worth the fine, even if he’s only making $400k this year.

Houston -3.5 at Tampa Bay

Watch Albert Haynesworth fall down trying to tackle Arian Foster. Then watch him get up (slowly) and fall down pretending to try to tackle Ben Tate. So much work. Somebody get him a sandwich.

Tennessee +3.5 at Carolina

I’d care a lot more if they were playing on an air craft carrier.

Washington +4 at Miami

I’m calling the push. John Beck is who the Dolphins beat writer thought he was.

New Orleans +1 at Atlanta

Oh, Saints. You can all go fuck yourselves. Such a bunch of cock teases. But I can’t stay away. Every time I think about picking the Falcons I’m flooded with visions of Jimmy Graham and Darren Sproles catching pass after pass. It’s the offense John Beck was born to run in to the ground.

St. Louis at Cleveland -3

I’ve already put far too much thought in to this game. I’m done.

Arizona at Philadelphia

Finally, a chance for Kevin Kolb to show the Eagles they were absolutely right to trade his sorry ass. You know, if he plays. Nobody has this game listed. Remind me to come back and make a pick on Sunday morning.

Baltimore at Seattle +7

Detroit +3 at Chicago

The only way we’ll be spared a Nickelback performance at halftime of the Lions Thanksgiving game is if the lead singer calls Billy Crystal a fag. My understanding of popular culture runs deep.

New York Giants at San Francisco -3

Everybody seems to be giving their midseason coach of the year award to Jim Harbaugh. That’s pretty dumb. Not because he’s an offensive guy coaching a very average offense, but because midseason awards are a very baseball thing to do.

New England at New York Jets -1

If you kiss the clock at 11:11 what do you do on 11/11/11? Jerk off on a calendar, that’s what.

Minnesota at Green Bay -14

Even a pug in a mug knows you take Green Bay -X against the Vikings.

Your four-star rating system regrets to inform you that if today’s early games were a bag of Halloween candy, you’d probably want to torch a few houses in your neighborhood.

Arizona at Baltimore (Zagnut) **
Minnesota at Carolina (Sweet Tarts) *
Jacksonville at Houston (Candy Corn) **
Miami at NY Giants (Jesus tract) *
New Orleans at St. Louis (box of raisins) **
Indianapolis at Tennessee (toothbrush) *

Now Cowboys tight-end Jason Witten is making a special appearance in Archie comics to warn of the dangers of underage drinking. Witten’s visit is part of larger campaign by the well-intended buzzkills at Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Here’s a look at a page from the funnybook:

The first thing I thought when I saw the panel above was “I hope this got inked before it went to press.” Otherwise, it looks like something that would appear on a Steak-n-Shake kids’ menu. My second thought was how much Witten resembles Archie character, Moose Mason (a/k/a the guy who makes violent dating relationships funny):

But Witten isn’t the only Cowboy with a Riverdale doppelganger. There’s Archie Andrews the overachieving ginger…

Reggie Mantle, the vain raconteur…

And Jughead, the lovable idiot man-child…

Jerry Jones has money like Hiram Lodge, but is sort of crazy and lack Mr. Lodge’s snooty demeanor. Also, Wade Phillips looks like Mr. Weatherbee but isn’t nearly as smart.

What began as a regional uprising has swiftly grown into a continental revolution.  The protests–now in their sixth week–threaten to topple some of the biggest names in football.  Any hopes that the revolt would end after the downfall of Bills owner Ralph Wilson were dashed as disgruntled NFL fans resolve to take to the streets daily in cities league-wide until their demands are met.
 
The crisis started last month in Buffalo after a suspected self-immolation (later determined to be a grease fire) at the Anchor Bar sparked a revolt by angry Bills fans.   Protesters caused Wilson to flee into exile in Toronto. Similar movements soon took hold in other undeveloped areas such as Charlotte and Oakland.
 
Browns owner Randy Lerner urged fans to ignore the protests, even as thousands streamed into the streets of Cleveland. “This fringe movement is the product of lies and distortions by the same media that spies for Israel. They have poisoned once patriotic Browns fans with their hallucination pills,” Lerner announced during a hastily-called televised address.  Lerner’s attempts to marginalize the revolt were in stark contrast to the sounds of protests in the street.  Chants of “DON’T FRANCHISE KICKERS” rang into the night.
 
In Washington, protesters cited a repressive political environment as they spent another night camped in Dupont Circle.  Redskins owner Daniel Snyder responded by shutting down access to all media unfavorable to his regime.  Minister of Public Information Kornheiser attempted to downplay the significance of the protests, dismissing the disaffected revolutionaries as “bourgeois and devoid of craft and nuance.”

In Cincinnati, Bengals owner Mike Brown declared a state of emergency, vowing that he will die a martyr before ceding to demands he hire a general manager.  Brown unsuccessfully attempted to mollify the protester by installing a figurehead offensive coordinator.  When appeasement failed, Brown adopted a hard-line stance. “He showed what he really thinks us when he set tanks on his own people” said a protester, “Sure, Tank Johnson’s just one guy, but he can be very persistent.”

Potential guests on the Tony Kornheiser Show beware, you are not to speak ill of Dan Snyder on Mr. Tony’s airwaves. And if you’re thinking it’s because Dan Snyder owns the radio station you’d be totally wrong. Because according to John Feinstein (friend of Tony and basher of Danny) it has nothing to do with business and everything to do with friendship.

Tony Kornheiser has specifically asked me not to bring up Dan Snyder on his show. I feel queasy about this but Tony’s my friend and it is his show. It isn’t as if there aren’t plenty of other forums for me to talk about Snyder and Snyder is one of those guys Tony simply isn’t going to go after–not because he’s paid by him but because he likes him.

DAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW, that’s sweet. It also explains why Tony’s show hasn’t gone into much detail on the Dan Snyder vs. Washington City Paper lawsuit (as pointed out by Dan Steinberg) that has captivated every other local media outlet. I don’t know how far back the friendship goes, but I am pretty sure that they’ve been able to bond over their mutual disdain for City Paper’s Dave McKenna.

So what we know is that Tony doesn’t like anyone bad-mouthing his friends on his time, regardless of their crimes against a once proud franchise. Unless of course you want to call up and make fun of John “Junior” Feinstein. I’m pretty sure that’s still fair game.

Dearest De-

Sorry our last encounter had to end so abruptly. You know by now that my bluster is merely a front. (“Forty percent or we f—king walk.” God, I sound just like a butch version of David Geffen!) We must maintain appearances for the sake of our respective constituencies. It killed me inside to leave in a huff, but I had no choice–people in the room were becoming suspicious. Turns out it was Wellington Mara’s leg that I was rubbing my foot against underneath the table. Please don’t be jealous ;).

Oh, De, since we left each other’s side, our song has been on repeat in my head:

All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado
Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear
But as the sun goes down
I get that empty feeling again
How I wish to God that you were here

Oh, those words are seared on my very soul. De, together there’s nothing we can’t accomplish. Remember that night in San Diego six months ago? I called you my Space Cowboy and we settled the labor impasse over three bottles of Riunite and a rotisserie chicken. But we agreed to continue with this charade of a looming strike in order to conceal a love that doth not speak its name.

Sooner or later we are going to have to tell the world that there’s a new collective bargaining agreement–and once we do, we will lose our excuse for always being seen in public. I don’t know if the accolades of saving the NFL will be worth it if we can’t be together.

I have to see you tonight, Sweet De. Don’t decertify my love. I’ll never lock you out of my heart…

Love,

Rog

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: Oh, boy! Today is my lucky day! I can’t believe the Make A Wish foundation was able to get Aaron Rodgers to come visit me in the hospital! He’s awesome! He’s better than Brett Favre! He’s gonna lead us to the Promised Land! This is the greatest day of my life! I’m so, so happy! I wonder when he’s gonna show up.

(hears footsteps)

Mr. Rodgers? Mr. Rodgers, is that you?

(door flies open)

Goth Aaron Rodgers: What?

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: It IS you! You came to visit me!

Goth Aaron Rodgers: Pfft. Whatever.

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: Aren’t you gonna sign my jersey?

Goth Aaron Rodgers: Why would I do that? Ink is the spoiled blood of corporate writing instruments. A name is nothing more than a brand, seared into the flesh by your whore of a mother and your drunken rapist of a father. It is not your true identity, which is why I instruct my closest friends to always refer to me as Coagula. THAT is my true given name, as decreed by the archdaemon Secchus in a ritual ceremony we have in the Kum & Go parking lot every August.

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: But… but… but you’re my hero.

Goth Aaron Rodgers: Hero? Hero? What is that? What is a hero? A hero is just a man who does “good deeds” in order to buttress his own bloated self-legacy. It is a delusion, one that gives man permission to worship himself and tear apart vaginas as he pleases. Heroes REPULSE me. Ask Matthew Lillard on Monday evening’s episode of “House” what being a “hero” is worth.

/spits on the ground

Hero
Heroism
Heroine
Heroin
Here is the needle
Here are your dead eyelids
HEROin

I wrote that in my head just now.

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: You’re weird.

Goth Aaron Rodgers: Am I? Am I “weird,” or am I normal and everyone else is “Weird”? Just because you conform to society’s rules and let it inject you with radium doesn’t mean you’re normal, young lad. Far from it. You are a walking cog. And the tumor inside you makes you a defective part in society’s endless rape of Nature’s womb.

I will sign my name for you, but only if I can sign upon your tumor itself. If I can sign my name in blood across the tangled mass of teeth and veins that is slowly colonizing your body. Then we will have truly bonded. I, the overlord. And you, my precious “fan”.

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: I don’t think they can do that. They said they can’t cut the tumor out.

Goth Aaron Rodgers: That is because they don’t want to. YOU ARE THEIR PAWN, AND YOUR BALD LITTLE HEAD ONLY EMPHASIZES THE SIMILARITY.

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: Well, can you at least throw a touchdown for me on Sunday?

Goth Aaron Rodgers: For you? Why would I do that? Do you know why I throw touchdowns, young one? Do you know why I hit Greg Jennings in perfect stride on deep seam routes? BECAUSE IT MEANS NOTHING. Touchdowns are a triumph of nothingness. I wallow in their meaninglessness. I can taste the nihilism. I feel my soul drain every time I throw one, and the emptiness cleanses me. It is an enema of my putrid spirit. Where you see a touchdown, I see a pile of oozing fecal brain matter. THE DIARRHEA OF A DISEASED MIND.

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: Uh, can someone get him away from my bed? He’s scaring me now.

Goth Aaron Rodgers: It is not I who should scare you! IT IS THE DEMONCHRIST!

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: Just leave so I can have lunch!

Goth Aaron Rodgers: FLORIO WILL MISCONSTRUE THIS MOMENT BETWEEN US! I HAVE FORSEEN IT!

(gets dragged out by security)

YOU CANNOT EVADE THE BLACKNESS, CANCER KID! GOD’S HATE IS OMNIPRESENT!

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: Jesus. Hey, there’s Jay Cutler! Jay, can you throw five touchdowns for me on Sunday?

Cutlerfucker: What? Yeah, whatever. Just don’t get your cancer on me.