Welcome back for another fun week of poorly thought out wagers. While you’re sitting there reading this I’m locked in a very large warehouse counting a lot of stuff while trying to limit my dust intake. Good times. Anyway, I was able to find three of the world’s foremost football prognosticators to assist with this week’s picks.

Smooth Jimmy Apollo: I hereby declare the Lions Smooth Jimmy’s Lock of the Week. When you lose 90% of the time you’re bound to win 10% of the time.

Unnamed Sportscaster: I declare the Colts to be my Shoe-In of the Week. And I really wish that Jay Kogen had given me a name. I am so lonely.

Professor Frink: After analyzing millions of pieces of data, the Gamble Tron 2000 says the winner is… the Falcons, by 200 points?!

In all seriousness, I have a machine that tells me to pick the Falcons every week. It has become sentient, and I have come to fear for my well being. Enjoy the games, and please never listen to anyone’s gambling advice. People are stupid. Stupider than machines.

 
Welcome to the Friday Five, our unimaginatively-named Friday afternoon post where we provide you with five things the KSK staff is looking forward to this coming weekend….

#1 Marge Simpson in Playboy! I’m a little conflicted about this. Iwouldn’t think that she would ever go along with something as tawdry as this. But on the other hand, her jugs are as authentic as those of most the ladies in Playboy.

 
#2 Broncos-Patriots. The Belichick-McDaniels post-game encounter starts as a firm handshake, slowly becomes a tender embrace, then a passionate make-out session at midfield. SUPERAIDNOONEDENIESTHIS!!!

 
#3 On the other end of the love/war continuum, we can’t wait until the feuding Clinton Portis and Mike Sellers go toe-to-toe on the sidelines when the Redskins visit Charlotte Sunday. (Note to Portis: if you think Sellers wasn’t blocking for you before, what do think he’s going to do now that you hate each other?)

 
#4 Chad Ochocinco’s promised “Ricky Bobby” touchdown celebration in Baltimore. It becomes 50 percent less funny when Will Ferrell actually shows up to join in.

 
# 5 Spending quality time with the family on the couch, kicking back and watching the games.

Much to the consternation of their fiery Latino fan-base, the Dallas Cowboys have seen disparate results in their four games this season. Before practice yesterday, quarterback Tony Romo admitted that what many see as a dream job can be vexing at times:

“[T]he quarterback and coach get a lot of the blame and a lot of the credit — whether that is right or wrong. I love to talk to Troy [Aikman] and some of the other guys just to … try and improve and to help yourself,” said Romo. “The neat thing when I talk to them is, they didn’t all have — it wasn’t all lollipops and chocolates and fun times along the way. It was a lot of hard work and effort and people beating you down. You have to have a stronger belief in yourself than the disbelief of others.”

 
The good news for Romo and the Cowboys is that they play the Chiefs this weekend–so everything should be gummy bears and unicorns and glitter for Romo this weekend. But beware: looming ahead is a visit to the Molasses Swamp (a/k/a Philadelphia).

 
via Blue Star

Former Super Bowl hero Plaxico Burress was reportedly met by a number of jeers and catcalls from fellow inmates when he was taken to Riker’s Island prison to begin serving his sentence for weapons violations. This isn’t too surprising considering Burress’ notoriety and the high-profile criminal case against him. KSK has more than a few readers inside NYC’s “sixth borough” and they shared some of the comments directed toward Burress yesterday.

“You’re a dead man. This is the world’s largest concentration of Jets fans.”

“Any man who drops a pass spends a night in the box.”

“The Michigan State Alumni Group meets on Tuesdays at 2:45, near the basketball courts.”

“I must admit I didn’t think much of Plaxico first time I laid eyes on him. He might’a been important on the outside, but in here he was just a little turd in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.”

“Charlatan!!!”

“Don’t worry, you can still make regular visits to LQ. Locked-up Queens, that is!”

Much has been made of the many eye-opening features at the new Cowboys Stadium, and rightly so. I thought we’d already seen everything the stadium had to offer, and then we were treated to the cage dancers. That development got us wondering what other features Jerry Jones tried to cram into the stadium. After a little bit of digging we managed to come up with a list of proposed stadium features that didn’t make the cut for a variety of reasons.

- A four drink minimum

- Mirrored ceilings

- Cheerleader locker room cam

- Indoor coach firing squad

- Tower of Babel built to scale

- Massive throne for when God shows up to watch his team

- Shark tank dancers

- Marcus Dixon’s Super Fun Kids’ Playroom

- 18 hole golf course

- Monorail around concourse

- Oversized belt buckle concession stand

- Gun check

- Double wooden swinging doors in front of the tunnel

- Michael Irvin’s Barbershop

- A kick ass rear spoiler

- Swearing in of all club-level ticket holders as “Deputies”

- Pass defense

- Sideline hitching posts

- Baked potato bar

- Sarsaparilla vendors

- Mean dog on a chain in lieu of stadium security

- Hologram ushers

- Glory holes

- All you can eat pussy buffet

- On-site White House with shuttle access to special dirtier off-site White House

- Wade Phillips dunk tank

- Jason Garret’s dining club (closed to the public)

- “Shoot your own steak” barbecue pit/cattle corral

- Flozell Adams Brazilian Wax Salon

- Used cheerleader panties concession stand

Image via Flickr

It cost a billion dollars. It will stand for centuries. It will inspire children to grow into succesful adults. It will cure your erectile dysfunction. It will make you a sandwich while you watch reruns of Night Court.

NBC wasn’t satisfied with their preseason mouth-party for the Cowboy’s new stadium, so we get round two tonight. What the networks haven’t figured out yet is that no one outside of fans of Latin America’s team gives a rat’s ass about a new stadium. So prepare yourself for the onslaught of useless information about Jerral Jones’ monument to his own ego. (”Y’know Al, this stadium has enough square footage to hold 4.5 trillion extra-wide magenta neckties. That’s enough to keep Keyshawn Johnson looking like a foppish prick until the sun collapses into a singularity.”)

A crowd of over 100,000 is expected tonight, however most of them will be so far away that the echos of the cheers aren’t expected to reach the field until sometime Tuesday morning. That’s not to say that Dallas won’t enjoy a home-field advantage, as Eli Manning is known to be distracted by shiny objects.

Feel free to put all of your insightful observations in the comments below. Unless, of course, you’d rather spend the evening preparing baked goods.

Ice Cube is making a documentary about the Los Angeles Raiders. The old Oakland Raiders were like the original Friday. The L.A. Raiders were like “Straight Outta Compton”. The current Oakland Raiders are like Are We There Yet?

Ricky Williams is going to retire after next season. He’s going to finally do what’s he talked about for years– really get out and see America. He’s saved up for a Winnebago. He and Barbara are counting down the days. Driving west and to spend two weeks with the grandkids in Downer’s Grove, Illinois before making their way out to the Grand Canyon. Maybe stop a night or two in Branson, who knows? They’re gonna see how many Cracker Barrels they can visit along the way. Bar is just crazy for those Goo Goo Cluster they sell there, don’t you know.

Could Jamal Lewis be on the verge of Dumpsville in Cleveland? Wonder which was worse: four months in prison or two seasons in Cleveland?

[ via Winnipeg Sun, NBC Chicago, Fox Sports, Waiting For Next Year ]

[ Shaub image via F Juice ]

Did you hear that Jerry Jones built a gargantuan $1.15 billion shrine to football and decadence? Because he did, and he wants everyone to know how GODDAMN HUGE it is. Needless to say, Dan Snyder will take this shirt as an affront to his stature and he’ll be even more eager to build a shiny new monstrosity of his own. [NBC DFW]

Tom is excused from the sixth rule of Fight Club.

Fresh off his knockout victory over defensive assistant coach Randy Hanson, head coach Tom Cable is eager to make the next step up the coachfight contender ladder. But that doesn’t mean Cable is about to let success go to his head. “Sure, a decisive victory is always great, “ he said, “but I can’t get cocky—this guy [Hanson] is just a low-level assistant; not even a position coach.”

The beefy Cable has been coachfighting for decades, but it wasn’t until he blind-sided the much smaller Hanson that he made a national name for himself. “Like a lot of other coaches, I started out in the underground fights– bare-knuckle brawls in abandoned warehouses against over-the-hill high school coaches.  Winner take all.  In most cases ‘all’ was a can corned beef hash.”

Cable acknowledged that his fight against Hanson was outside typical coachfight protocol where intra-contests fights are typically disfavored.  “What could I do,” Cable asked, his eyes dancing mischievously, “We’re the shitty Raiders.  We can’t beat anyone else.”

But Cable’s days of toiling in obscurity over. “I’m training for my next fight,” Cable said while taking a break from the speedbag to cram a Hostess Ho-Ho® in to his gullet, “It’s against a well known tight ends coach. If I can win that one, then I should be in a line for a title fight against an honest-to-gosh offensive coordinator.”

Despite his meteoric rise, Cable is careful to keep his success in perspective. “Look, I may never be good enough to beat Tom Coughlin—that wiry son-of-a-bitch is the best for a reason.  But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I know I can knock Rex Ryan’s fat ass out.”