It’s a rare NFL Sunday when the late-afternoon slate is more attractive than the early games, but this week’s schedule is back-loaded with games fraught with playoff implications. Perhaps the most intriguing is the Chiefs’ opportunity to prevent the Broncos from capturing the AFC West. Former Bronco quarterback Kyle Orton returns in hopes of exacting Kill Bill-level revenge upon his usurper, Tim Tebow.

As you can see, Orton is up to the challenge…

In other action, the Bengals host the Ravens in the battle for a Cincinnati playoff bid. In honor of the occasion, here’s a gingerbread representation of Paul Brown Stadium.

Here’s the rest of today’s slate rated on the patented 4-star system that hates meaningless football…

Kansas City at Denver ???
Tampa Bay at Atlanta ?
Baltimore at Cincinnati ???
Pittsburgh at Cleveland ??
San Diego at Oakland ????
Seattle at Arizona (If this is your only football option, we humbly suggest the Twilight Zone marathon SyFy.)

[ video via, image via ]

The only thing left for Tom Brady Troll Genius(TM) is a full-on heel turn during today’s game. Remember when Andre the Giant ripped the cross off of Hulk Hogan’s neck? I want to see something like that.

Detroit at Oakland **
New England at Denver ***
NY Jets at Philadelphia **
Cleveland at Arizona *

Earl Bennett just wants to look good and rock his orange cleats. Of course, since this deviates from the League Assimilation Protocol, the Bears receiver was fined after each of the last two games. The Bears won both (Eagles and Lions) and, more importantly, Bennett looked like the mack.

Rather than continue to escalate the fines, Chris Mortensen reports on Gameday this morning that the shield informed Bennett he will not be allowed on the field if wearing the verboten footwear. I’m not sure, but it sounds like Bennett will have to get past a doorman and a velvet rope to play the Chargers later today.

But first, the early games, presented by the only four star ratings system that can totally pull off orange patent leather.

Tampa Bay at Green Bay **
Carolina at Detroit **
Jacksonville at Cleveland *
Oakland at Minnesota **
Buffalo at Miami **
Dallas at Washington **
Cincinnati at Baltimore ***

It’s actually called the Bravo Sports Blacktop 360 Premium Party Hub Grill (concise!), and it’s your Unnecessary Purchase of the Week (Uncrate via reader Randy). This bad boy of tailgating does it all, from frying up wings to searing steaks at 650 degrees inches away. That seems very safe, and I’ll happily put that theory to the test if they send me a free one (eh? ehhh?).

On to the picks!

Last week: 7-7
Overall: 61-63-2

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Your four-star rating system regrets to inform you that if today’s early games were a bag of Halloween candy, you’d probably want to torch a few houses in your neighborhood.

Arizona at Baltimore (Zagnut) **
Minnesota at Carolina (Sweet Tarts) *
Jacksonville at Houston (Candy Corn) **
Miami at NY Giants (Jesus tract) *
New Orleans at St. Louis (box of raisins) **
Indianapolis at Tennessee (toothbrush) *

I read comic books when I was a kid–superhero stuff. But during my college days, I had a friend whose grandmother sent him Archie comics. Apparently grandma was unaware that people in their early twenties were not part of the Archie demographic and he didn’t want to appear ungrateful. So every month another Double Digest would arrive in the mail and I would again wonder who was the biggest freak in the sack—Betty or Ronnie? (My theory: Ronnie, why else would Archie put up with that uppity bitch?)

Now Cowboys tight-end Jason Witten is making a special appearance in Archie comics to warn of the dangers of underage drinking. Witten’s visit is part of larger campaign by the well-intended buzzkills at Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Here’s a look at a page from the funnybook:

The first thing I thought when I saw the panel above was “I hope this got inked before it went to press.” Otherwise, it looks like something that would appear on a Steak-n-Shake kids’ menu. My second thought was how much Witten resembles Archie character, Moose Mason (a/k/a the guy who makes violent dating relationships funny):

But Witten isn’t the only Cowboy with a Riverdale doppelganger. There’s Archie Andrews the overachieving ginger…

Reggie Mantle, the vain raconteur…

And Jughead, the lovable idiot man-child…

Jerry Jones has money like Hiram Lodge, but is sort of crazy and lack Mr. Lodge’s snooty demeanor. Also, Wade Phillips looks like Mr. Weatherbee but isn’t nearly as smart.

What began as a regional uprising has swiftly grown into a continental revolution.  The protests–now in their sixth week–threaten to topple some of the biggest names in football.  Any hopes that the revolt would end after the downfall of Bills owner Ralph Wilson were dashed as disgruntled NFL fans resolve to take to the streets daily in cities league-wide until their demands are met.
 
The crisis started last month in Buffalo after a suspected self-immolation (later determined to be a grease fire) at the Anchor Bar sparked a revolt by angry Bills fans.   Protesters caused Wilson to flee into exile in Toronto. Similar movements soon took hold in other undeveloped areas such as Charlotte and Oakland.
 
Browns owner Randy Lerner urged fans to ignore the protests, even as thousands streamed into the streets of Cleveland. “This fringe movement is the product of lies and distortions by the same media that spies for Israel. They have poisoned once patriotic Browns fans with their hallucination pills,” Lerner announced during a hastily-called televised address.  Lerner’s attempts to marginalize the revolt were in stark contrast to the sounds of protests in the street.  Chants of “DON’T FRANCHISE KICKERS” rang into the night.
 
In Washington, protesters cited a repressive political environment as they spent another night camped in Dupont Circle.  Redskins owner Daniel Snyder responded by shutting down access to all media unfavorable to his regime.  Minister of Public Information Kornheiser attempted to downplay the significance of the protests, dismissing the disaffected revolutionaries as “bourgeois and devoid of craft and nuance.”

In Cincinnati, Bengals owner Mike Brown declared a state of emergency, vowing that he will die a martyr before ceding to demands he hire a general manager.  Brown unsuccessfully attempted to mollify the protester by installing a figurehead offensive coordinator.  When appeasement failed, Brown adopted a hard-line stance. “He showed what he really thinks us when he set tanks on his own people” said a protester, “Sure, Tank Johnson’s just one guy, but he can be very persistent.”

Potential guests on the Tony Kornheiser Show beware, you are not to speak ill of Dan Snyder on Mr. Tony’s airwaves. And if you’re thinking it’s because Dan Snyder owns the radio station you’d be totally wrong. Because according to John Feinstein (friend of Tony and basher of Danny) it has nothing to do with business and everything to do with friendship.

Tony Kornheiser has specifically asked me not to bring up Dan Snyder on his show. I feel queasy about this but Tony’s my friend and it is his show. It isn’t as if there aren’t plenty of other forums for me to talk about Snyder and Snyder is one of those guys Tony simply isn’t going to go after–not because he’s paid by him but because he likes him.

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Dearest De-

Sorry our last encounter had to end so abruptly. You know by now that my bluster is merely a front. (“Forty percent or we f—king walk.” God, I sound just like a butch version of David Geffen!) We must maintain appearances for the sake of our respective constituencies. It killed me inside to leave in a huff, but I had no choice–people in the room were becoming suspicious. Turns out it was Wellington Mara’s leg that I was rubbing my foot against underneath the table. Please don’t be jealous ;).

Oh, De, since we left each other’s side, our song has been on repeat in my head:

All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado
Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear
But as the sun goes down
I get that empty feeling again
How I wish to God that you were here

Oh, those words are seared on my very soul. De, together there’s nothing we can’t accomplish. Remember that night in San Diego six months ago? I called you my Space Cowboy and we settled the labor impasse over three bottles of Riunite and a rotisserie chicken. But we agreed to continue with this charade of a looming strike in order to conceal a love that doth not speak its name.

Sooner or later we are going to have to tell the world that there’s a new collective bargaining agreement–and once we do, we will lose our excuse for always being seen in public. I don’t know if the accolades of saving the NFL will be worth it if we can’t be together.

I have to see you tonight, Sweet De. Don’t decertify my love. I’ll never lock you out of my heart…

Love,

Rog

Very Nice Kid Who Has Cancer And Loves The Packers: Oh, boy! Today is my lucky day! I can’t believe the Make A Wish foundation was able to get Aaron Rodgers to come visit me in the hospital! He’s awesome! He’s better than Brett Favre! He’s gonna lead us to the Promised Land! This is the greatest day of my life! I’m so, so happy! I wonder when he’s gonna show up.

(hears footsteps)

Mr. Rodgers? Mr. Rodgers, is that you?

(door flies open)

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