True Raiders fans know that every coach since Tom Flores has been a pathetic underachiever (especially Jon Gruden, fuck him). But some current Raiders are treating this weekend’s game against San Diego like it’s old home week.

Nostalgia simply for the sake of nostalgia is the bane of my existence. Those Metal Skool retards are a prime example. Shit gets relegated to the dustbin of pop culture for a reason. There’s no such thing as enjoying it ironically, dicksmack, you just have shitty taste.

Not sharing this opinion is Oakland wide receiver Jerry Porter, who, I shit you not, was waxing sentimental ahead of this weekend’s game against the Chargers. Jerry, you see, unlike the Raiders fans who haven’t been able to suppress the horrible memories of the past four seasons, is fond of the Norv Turner era in Oakland.

“My dog Norv? Gotta love my dog Norv.” – Jerry Porter

Let’s put it this way, if Norv were my dog, I’d be making a trip to the pound (or Surry County, VA). But if Norv really was a well-known dog, which one would he be? Let’s find out.

Marmaduke

While we wouldn’t be surprised to hear about some frottage in Norv’s cottage, this seems like a bad comparison. Marm always gets what he wants– milquetoast Norv, not so much. Incidentally, my late grandfather loved him some Marmaduke. But for some reason, he lived under the impression that his name was “Mandrake.”

Mister Peabody

Are you fuggin’ kidding me? Peabody invented the coddam WABAC machine. Norv can’t even figure out a way to stop the zone blitz.

The Junkyard Dog

JYD knew how to handle ‘roided up freaks like Hercules Hernandez and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Norv on the other hand is still struggling with Shawne Merriman.

Droopy Dawg

Okay, I think we are getting closer. Still, Droopy’s sad-sack demeanor is somewhat endearing and garners him some sympathy. Norv’s sorry-ass coaching record only elicits scorn and canine-related mockery.

Sandy from Little Orphan Annie

Ding, ding! I think we have a winner….

Assistant coach (speaking to Norv through headset): “Okay coach, we’re down by nine with five and a half minutes. We have all three timeouts. It’s fourth and one on our own 46. Do we want to punt or go for it?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: Excuse me?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: What the fuck do you mean, ‘arf’? We are trying to win a fuckin’ game and all you can say is ‘arf’???

Norv: Arf!

Asst (sighs): We’re boned.

Marvin Lewis: Goddamit Deltha O’Neal! What is this I hear about your Rott attacking a woman and her daughter?

O’Neal: They was asking for it. Literally, they said “please, doggie, bite us viciously in our ass and legs,” at least that’s what the canine psychic said Dogtha O’Kee-ill said they said to him. Anyway, I wasn’t even arrested, coach.

Lewis: It don’t matter. I don’t need any headlines like this. The more these things crop up, the more heat I get. Mike Brown has already made it apparent that he’s cool with me missing the playoffs, so long as I don’t need to have anymore sit-downs with the Rog about player discipline. So we’re spending the rest of the week learning about comportment and etiquette. We’re off to the Skyline School for Wayward Bengals.

O’Neal: But coach, we haven’t finished preparing for the Browns.

Lewis: You let me worry about that. I’m not getting shitcanned on account of your antics.

Lewis: Okay, I want you guys to have a well-mannered, professional game out there. I want you to stay the fuck away from that Jamal Lewis guy. He’s gonna steer you wrong, get you into that bad shit. Under no circumstances are you to interact with him.

Michael Myers: Aren’t we gonna need to tackle him though?

Lewis: The fuck I just stay? Keep away from the muthafucka.

/Jamal Lewis runs for a 43-yard touchdown.

Caleb Miller: Coach! I was gonna tackle Jamal, but he was trying to offer me a good price on an ounce of rock, so I let him go right on by.

Lewis: You did the right thing. That’s some fine work, son.

/Braylon Edwards catches a 60-yard touchdown pass.

Leon Hall: Coach, man, dawg, we gotta do something. We’re gonna lose to the goddamn Browns. You know embarassing this is?

Lewis: Don’t try to lecture me on defense. I was a defensive coach for the Steelers, Ravens and Redskins when they all had top-ranked units. Didn’t you go to Michigan? You should know about embarassing losses. App State, right?

Hall: Uh, that was this year’s team. I entered the draft following last season.

Lewis: Well, Detroit’s in Michigan, right? Still the murder capital of the country, isn’t it? But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Leon?

Hall: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in Detroit!

Lewis: You just don’t know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Leon Hall?

/Kellen Winslow scores on a 73-yard pass and doesn’t even bother to run half the way.

Defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan: Marvin, I don’t know about this idea to let at-risk youth design our defensive schemes.

Lewis: And why the fuck not? We need something to burnish our image with the community.

Bresnahan: Well, for starters, on this first play, we got one defensive lineman lined up, eight people covering Joe Jurevicius and two guys selling bootleg CDs on the 30-yard line.

Lewis: They got the new Talib?

Bresnahan: What?

Lewis: Nothing.

…

Forget it. Just follow the kid’s plays, would ya?

/Derek Anderson throws another eight TDs.

Lewis: Contract extension, here I come.

Five Fast Facts About the Chargers:

*Igor Olshansky has two Star of David tattoos on his body. Way to make it that much easier for the Nazis to identify you, smart guy.
*Lorenzo Neal’s most prized possessions are boxing gloves used by Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, and that football he kept from his career-long seven yard rush.
*Shawne Merriman used to own a restaurant/bar in College Park called Lupo’s, where the steriods were occasionally served with alcohol.
*Cletis Gordon’s nickname is “Flash,” not because he’s fast, but like any self-respecting Cletis, he likes to show you his dick.
*Legedu Naanee would like to sell a vowel.

Projected record: 11-5

Actual record: 9-7

2006

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2011